BRB Groupthink: Must See T.V.

We knew who the 2021 Houston Texans would play against, and now we know when the Houston Texans will play against them. The 2021 schedule has been announced. The Texans are set to play the following schedule.

At the release of the schedule, we can sit here, and gaze upon the future. Pick through and fabricate various realities, realities more beautiful than the one we are currently in. Because actuality is going to be terrible this year, actuality is going to be worse than anything you can imagine. There is no bottom.

With that being said, even in a gap year that doesn’t matter, there are still things to look forward to, things like, will Lonnie Johnson Jr. be a playable safety, can Max Scharping finally put together an entire season, how much will Tytus Howard’s run blocking improve and can he become an all around player, and who will even play quarterback in Houston?

There are games to look forward to. Narratives to be fulfilled. Moments to share with those that you love. For this week’s groupthink I asked the masthead the following question:

Now that is the schedule is out, which game are you most excited for, if you are even excited for one at all?

These are their responses:

UPROOTED TEXAN:

In an odd (read also: twisted) way, I’m kind of excited for all of them. Here’s why:

This year, the NFL will play a full 17 game schedule for the first time. That means that the possibility of an 0-17 season is possible, something no team has ever done before.

The Texans aren’t going to be good this year, in fact there’s a distinct possibility they will be quite bad. So instead of getting really annoyed at really terrible football.or slipping into a deep trench of complete indifference, I will instead watch to find out if the Texans can become the first team to go 0-17.

Not because I don’t like the team or that I don’t want them to win. Far from it. I want them to win desperately, I just know that winning this year will be pointless because this year’s iteration of the team isn’t going anywhere. So rather than watching the Texans try to squeeze a 9-8 record and a possible one and done playoff appearance out of an extremely sharp and pointy rock, I want the Texans to achieve something of historical significance to add to their already sizeable list of dubious historical achievements. I have reversed my expectations of this team and want them to do something original, and being the first 0-17 team would be original as hell, not to mention also incredibly funny.

But in order to do that, I have to watch, with bated breath, the Texans try to live up to the lowest of expectations, and that’s why I’m really excited for the entire slate of games.

Man, this team has [kitten]ing broken me.

MATT WESTON:

With my tongue hanging out of my mouth, and my fingers making the rock on sign, I am really twisted individual. I’m into all sort of crazy things. UFOs are a subconscious projection of the collective unconsciousness. The Nickolodeon symbol is a foot. The astral realm and the various glands associated with the soul. My heart is your heart, your heart is my heart, and we all are one in the same, the same pulsating thing. I want to see the Texans anguish in the most creative of ways.

Because of this, my nipples are hard and tied to the end of a car battery, a brick is tied to a string, the other end is in my hand, and it is oscillating on the gas pedal, as I look at games against the first round quarterbacks Houston could have possibly taken: New York (J), San Francisco, and New England.

Houston was without a first and second round pick because of the Laremy Tunsil trade. A dumbfounding forever dumb decision in team building. Eviscerating the future for a present that led to a blow out loss against Kansas City, and a 4-12 season. This same move stymied a Houston rebuild, and turned this season into a gap year, instead of the beginning of a rebuild. I’m excited to see what could have been right in front of their faces. Instead of Davis Mills, Houston could have had Zach Wilson, with a trade up, or Justin Fields, or Trey Lance, or Mac Jones. They have Davis Mills, a higher ceiling backup quarterback, and Tyrod Taylor, who is cursed to never start again.

The Tunsil trade was atrocious. Their face needs to be rubbed into it a little bit more. These matchups are the proverbial and metaphorical dog turd. Then, next season, we can have a football team where we care about performance and talent and cornerstone players again. Until then, it’s yellow and smeared, it’s sweet and putrescent.

BIGFATDRUNK:

For me, it’s pretty much always the first game of the season.

We finally get a chance to see if Bill O’Brien made the changes necessary to turn the offense into HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Well, we’ll get the David Culley/Tim Kelly offense, which I’m guessing is going to set back the NFL at least 80 years.

I’m already having Mark Sanchez flashbacks thinking about what Trevor Lawrence is going to do against this talentless defense.

The Jaguars were a terrible team in 2020. The 2021 Texans look to be far worse. The first game will be an interesting benchmark to see which team is heading in which direction.

L4BLITZER:

To quote C3PO: “Exciting is hardly the word I would use.” 2021 continues to shape up as the lost season. The schedule was not going to do the team any favors just based on the opponents…and it hasn’t. In theory, the 1st 2 home games offer the best chances for victories and a false dawn of a 2-1 start. If that actually happens, I will be pleasantly surprised.

There is a chance that the team generates the morbid excitement of going 0-17, but going nullo in the NFL is hard. I want to look for the fun upset that ticks everybody off, but aside from the finale against the Titans, who may or may not have anything to play for, I am having a hard time seeing it. I am even on the lookout for the franchise’s first ever tie, but not seeing that as a possibility at the moment.

If there is a game to “must” watch, if only to see how they get their revenge, go with the Week 7 tilt in Arizona, when J.J. Watt and “That Player” (aka Nuk Hopkins) look to get their revenge on McEasterby. Probably will be a bad game for the Texans, but a motivated Watt and Nuk…should be fun to watch for Texans fans, kinda like how it is fun to see a slow-motion train wreck, or fun to polish off a Fifth of whiskey to only regret it the next day.

RIVERS McCOWN:

If the Culley Offense can’t come together for a Week 1 matchup against a team that was last in DVOA defense last year and hired a coordinator who last did that job in 2004 for Indiana, I think that’s a pretty bad sign. Ergo, that is the game I am most excited about.