Totally Not Fake News: Post Draft Actions

HOUSTON – With the pageantry and glory of the draft now a distant memory, the Texans now look to move on to the future, and the inexorable march towards the start of the various mini-camps, team meetings and the dawn of preseason.

“Now we can get to work” exclaimed David Culley. “I’ve been waiting for decades to show what I can do as ‘The Man.’ Enough of the bargain-basement free-agency shopping. Enough of the best Smart, Tough, Dependable underrated draft pick to show off how smart we think we are. Enough of all of that high-minded eleventy-degree chess. Time to get on to the field with our 87 football players. Players whose information and profile I have spent hours and hours memorizing and mentally placing into our grand team plans.”

Just then, Culley looks down at his phone after a ping. On the screen:

“Dave, it’s Nick [Caserio]. Just picked up another free agent linebacker. Now you have 88 players to get ready for…enjoy.”

“[Easterby] it! Now all of my grand plans are upended!!!! Thanks Nick!”

5 seconds later: “Hey, Dave, sorry to tell you, but we aren’t getting the QB/TE we talked about. Boss and Cal would’ve liked him, but he just signed with Jacksonville.”

“[EASTERBY] IT TO [EASTERBY]!!!”

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Meanwhile, the new defensive coordinator is taking all of this information in stride.

“Eh, so we signed another linebacker? Doesn’t matter. I’ll find a way to cash my checks…er, create some sort of defense. Yes, I am known as the Tampa 2 guru…who do you think carried the rep of that old gasbag Monte, right? Still, figured I would try some new things, especially with all of the players we are bringing in.”

Our intrepid Totally Not Fake News reporter followed up with: “So, do you think you can recreate some of those great defenses from your time in Tampa, St. Louis or Chicago?”

“Oh, [Easterby] no!!! We ain’t got that kinda talent. Not even close. I mean, if you put all of our linebackers together, squint your eyes, load up on two bottles of Texans Holy Water, you maybe, just maybe, can tell yourself you can see a slight resemblance to Derrick Brooks…perhaps.”

“So, with that kind of talent, you have to get creative. Been drawing up some new designs, borrowing from defensive concepts in Europe. Especially Serie A. I know in the NFL, we all tend to view things through the lens of 4-3 defenses, or 3-4, or if you want to get freaky, those crazy 3-3-5 formations from college, or the old-school 5-2. Well, I saw what they did in Italy, where they just play defense and act like they’ve been shot or something. However, you have to love the formations. So, I’m thinking of busting out some really wacky stuff: Let’s go with a 3-6-3, or a 2-7-1, or a 2-2-4-3 [2 DL, 2 “Front” LBs, 2 “Back” LBs, 3 DBs], a 4-5-1, or gimme a 1-3-3-4 [1 DL, 3 “Front” LBs, 3 “Back” LBs, 4 DBs...we’re guessing that is what he means by those strange numbers..]...with all of these linebackers, I might try the 2-7-2, the radical 1-9-1, or even the crazy 0-11-0…we got so many dang linebackers!!! Normally would like to have a defensive lineman or two and a decent defensive back, but, well, you look at the roster…”

Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images

Our reporter really wanted to dig further into Lovie Smith’s mindset on the new Serie A defensive formations, but we got word about an even bigger event: Cal McNair was going to speak to the press again.

“Are you [Easterby] kidding me?!?!?! After the cluster[Easterby] of a performance last time? I know we’ve been sending him to class to try to speak coherently, but my [Easterby]!!!! Give me some [Easterby] Holy Water…NOW!!!” a rather perturbed staffer lamented. It was a common theme in the room, along with the popping of a lot of bottles of Texans’ holy water.

So, Cal went ahead and gave his press conference:

Photo by CBS via Getty Images

“First off, I am glad to be here. As you know, my name is Kyle McNair…oh, whoops, Cal! Cal McNair!!! Don’t worry Mr. Easterby, I’ll get it right from now on. Anyway, I am glad to welcome you to this press conference, where I will be talking about all of the gooder updates for your Houston Oilers. See, we are done with our draft and we…wait, what was that??? I said that…again!!! Ok, let’s try that again. I meant to say that I am glad to welcome you to this press conference, where I will talking about all of the great updates for your Houston Comets….wait, oh, I meant to say, where I will BE talking about all of the great updates for your Houston Gamecocks. So, after we drafted all of those wonderful players, who are the bestest, er, sorry, the goodest of aller ti…[deep shoulder shrug…massive exhale]…Ok, ok…come on Kyle, er Cal…remember your training. Remember what Mr. Easterby said. ‘If you get flustered, imagine yourself taking off all of your clothes and running through a crowded stadium of people.’…Wait, was that was Mr. Easterby really said? Oh, man…MOOOMMMMM!!!!! Need your help, please!”

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We would’ve transcribed more from the conference, but a clearly discombobulated Cal McNair decided that the advice to deal with stage fright during a press conference was to remove all of his clothes, run real fast at the reporters, jumping into the arms of the first person in sight. He was in the process of removing his pants when for the sake of FCC regulations and public health considerations, we cut away from our coverage. We don’t know if this will make it into the next iteration of “Building the Texans”, but for some reason, the Texans website had a bunch of PSAs for counselors and mental health assistance posted within two hours of that event.

On a related note, the stock prices for Southern Comfort spiked by 50 percent within 24 hours of the Cal Press Conference, as reflected by a MASSIVE uptick in sales by those employed by the Texans.

Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

So, we once again leave the Texans, as they move on from the cutthroat games of free agency and the draft and look towards getting all the new players ready for the season.