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TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: Moving Towards Real Football

New players, new bibles, new ways to eat nachos...

The newbies in action
houstontexans.com / Kenneth Richmond

HOUSTON – With the draft a distant memory, and free agent signings mostly down to a trickle, the team can move on to the real action on the field (although with the itchy trigger claws of Nick Caserio, you can never say never with the Texans). “Please, for all that is holy, no more, please!!!” begged a Texans staffer. “I am so, so, so tired of trying to look up obscure tackling stats and DMV pictures for all of these guys Nick keeps signing. I swear to Easterby, if we sign just one more…one more [Easterby] linebacker, I will go so postal on this place…”

“Eh, so another staffer is losing their mind, no big deal. We have about 20 in the back, and we can always sign a few new ones” shrugged Nick Caserio when confronted about this potential workplace violence situation.

As for the action on the field, the Texans took great pride in opening their first rookie mini-camp under the new regime. This past weekend, the rookie hopefuls for the Texans, eager to make their mark, arrived in Houston to try to get acclimated to the new team and to life in the NFL.

“Kind of a strange experience, to be honest with you” observed one participant, who chose to remain anonymous. “We all arrive, and it really did feel like the first day of camp. They had the team staffers meeting the squad at the front of the building, wanting to make sure that we had all of our paperwork in order, that we had the right permission forms signed and that we went over all of the waivers with no questions or concerns. They also seemed to take pride in pointing out the refreshment tables, with all the sliced oranges and juice boxes. Thought it was a bit of a rookie hazing thing, but they genuinely seemed to think that was a great thing. That and all the vacation bible study posters around...not sure what I signed up for, but ok.”

“It seemed ok, although there was quite the commotion when Davis Mills’ family attempted to drop him off at camp. Dude took two steps out of the van, saw the staff, and just lost his mind. Tried to jump back into the van, screaming all the way ‘NO, DON’T SEND ME THERE! I DON”T WANNA GO! I JUST WANNA GO BACK HOME!!!! DON’T LEAVE ME THERE!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!’ I think it took both of his parents and six staffer to coax him [accounts vary, but some sources reported that all of the participants had to physically grab him and remove him from the van, all but carrying the screaming future franchise QB to the team facilities]. Aside from that, it seemed pretty straight forward.”

Another unnamed player chimed in “Yeah, after all of that fun, the coaches brought us in and started talking with us about the basics of the team. Went over the basic team rules. I know that each team has its own way of doing things, their own special way of doing things, etc. However, I did seem…unique when they read off the main team rules…or rather, the team “Commandments” It was such a solemn thing, when they forced all of us to stand up, and the document was read by a dude in what looked like old vestment robes, like those you saw in a picture from a kid’s Old Testament Bible. Anyway, here are a few we have to memorize:

  • THOU SHALT SERVE THE LORD EASTERBY
  • THOU SHALT NOT HAVE ANY MASTERS OTHER THAN YOUR FOOTBALL LORD EASTERBY
  • THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE EASTERBY’S NAME IN VAIN
  • THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY EASTERBY’S GIFT OF SPEECH, NOR COVET THE FAMILY OR LIFE OF THE MOST BLESSED EASTERBY
  • THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE EASTERBY BIBLE
  • THOU SHALT HONOR THE SABBATH AND KEEP IT HOLY AS WAS INTENDED BY THE EASTERBY
  • THOU SHALT NOT KILL, UNLESS IT BE IN THE NAME OF DEFENDING THE MOST HOLY AND REVEREND EASTERBY
  • THOU SHALT HONOR THY TEXANS FATHER, THE BLESSED EASTERBY
  • THOU SHALT NOT LOOK THE EASTERBY IN THE EYE
  • THOU SHALT NOT SPEAK TO THE EASTERBY UNLESS SPOKEN TO, AND THEN, ONLY TO ADDRESS THE EXALTED EASTERBY, AND ONLY WITH BENDED KNEE AND BOWED HEAD, WITH THE WORDS “MY BLESSED LORD EASTERBY” OR “YOUR EMINENCE, THE MOST ENLIGHTED AND HOLY EASTERBY”

“It went on for quite a while actually…the reading of these commandments. I thought there was only 10 of those things, but according to the New Easterby Revised Directive Bible, there are a LOT more of those commandments. Didn’t expect the commandment about banning the use of the name BO’B, but whatever.”

This was part of the Texans’ welcome package to the rookies.

Once the administrivia was out of the way, the players got on to the field. Yet, even then, there seemed to be some issues to iron out. “I guess they still had the jerseys from the last regime, which wasn’t noted for using rookies.”

Helpful to know what role the rookies will play on the team this year.
houstontexans.com

Our intrepid reporter didn’t get too much more of the details of the drills, but we did get some insight into the response to Coach Culley.

“Coach [Culley] seems like a good dude. Tried to do a lot of good teaching and basic drills and stuff. Everything was on track, until someone had to ask the question “Coach, where’s a good place to get some nachos?” Oh, sweet [Easterby], he went on and on and on and on and on and on…was having flashbacks to that old movie…what’sit called…’Forrest Gump’. How we were ever going to learn the basics of Coach [Lovie] Smith 0-9-2 defense with the head coach waxing poetic about nachos, I’ll never know.”

“...nachos con queso, nachos with jalapenos, nachos with salt, loaded nachos, gluten-free nachos, nachos with bean dip...”
houstontexans.com

With that, the first rookie camp is in the books and the team is well on its way to the mandatory camps and the dawning of for real football for the first time in months. Until then, we bid all adios.

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