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TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: The 2021 NFL Draft, Texans Style

The NFL Draft...a time of hope and the fulfillment of dreams...theoretically.

Would you answer this man’s call? Should you?
houstontexans.com

HOUSTON – Team Draft Headquarters. The place where dreams are made and the fortunes of men and franchises are won and lost. Every year, the 32 NFL franchises gather their brain trusts, compiling terabytes and terabytes of data, crunching numbers, measurements, and game film and personnel reports to try to match up the new crop of eager young collegiate prospects. It is full-time affair, and starting on Thursday night, the Draft Room does resemble that of a proverbial War Room, with franchise leaders bunkered down, set to make strategic, operational and tactical decisions that resonate on both on and off the field of conflict.

Well, for most teams, the draft rooms/yachts/facilities were open and engaged in a three-day long military-style campaign. For the Texans…well, not exactly.

Where the action happens...or not

After a series of moves a few years ago, the team decided that it really didn’t need all of the drama and ruckus of a 1st round pick. “A bit too idolizing for those young men, honestly” chimed in team owner Cal McNair. “They always have this big to-do where [the draft prospects] are dressed up in outfits no one has ever seen or will ever see again. Then they go up on stage all dancing and thinking that they are all that. Plus, the way that some of them outright assault Goodell. Nope. We don’t need that around here on this team. We want dignified Christians…the best of the best, right Most Blessed Jack?”

“Right you are, Humble Brother Cal,” chimed in the Polo-Shirted Eminence.

The masterminds at work
NFL Network/Discord

So it was that on Thursday, when the NFL was busy prepping to welcome those selected in the first round of the NFL draft, the Texans kicked back and rested, gearing up for what would be an eventful following two days.

Fast forward to Friday, and the Texans found themselves hard at work. Given the struggles with the team this past season and various concerns this off-season, the Texans had no shortage of areas to address in the draft. When pick #67 came up, and the team could finally profit from the 2021 draft, they decided on...quarterback. Davis Mills.

“Who the [Easterby] is Davis Mills?” came the cry from the fanbase

“Who the [Easterby] is Davis Mills?” came the cry from the team front offices.

“Who the [Easterby] is Davis Mills?” came the cry from the NFL punditry.

“Who the [Easterby] is Davis Mills?” came the cry from the Stanford quarterback named Davis Mills.

“Why not?” noted Easterby. “Kid comes from a blessed school…oh, and I guess he did okay at Stanford.”

Texans GM Nick Caserio then proceeded to call the newest member of the Houston Texans:

“Kid, just wanted to let you know, good luck. We’re all counting on you.”

We attempted to follow up with Davis Mills, but received word that he wanted to be alone with this thoughts. We presumed that he wanted to engage in some quiet contemplation, but sources close to Davis got a different impression.

“Wanted to go in and congratulate him in his room,” noted his mother. “But, no sooner did I enter his room when I found him on the floor, curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth, saying ‘It’ll be all right. It’ll be all right. It’ll be all right’”

On initial glance, that seemed to be the night for the Texans. Yet, the fun was just beginning. The Texans apparently found the prospect they couldn’t refuse. So, in a draft with incredible depth at wide receiver, and a team that maybe not armed with the greatest individual talent, but one with quite a few wide receiver decided to trade three total picks to move up so they could draft…a wide receiver. Nico Collins.

Once again, the Texans draft room went wild. The rest of the organization immediately reached for another shot of “Holy water” and Nick Caserio made another call.

Texans “Holy Water”
Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

“Kid, just wanted to let you know, good luck. We’re all counting on you.”

However, if there was high drama on day two of the draft, Day three brought about some real action in the draft room.

“Man, you wouldn’t believe it” noted one staffer on the condition of anonymity “Everything was going relatively well, at least until someone laid out the remaining draft picks we still had. It went like this.

“5, 6, 6, 6, 7”

“You see a problem with that?” our source asked. We stated that we did not, and figured that the team still had a chance to add some key depth at all the positions of need.

“Man, have you been following this team for the past couple of years? Look at the number of 6th round pick?”

So, we did. We just saw 6,6,6.

“Dude, remove the commas!!!”

So, we did

666

“3 Sixes.”

“Yes, 3 6s…666.”

“So, it comes out to 666…oh…OH, WOW!!!!”

“When the Exalted Easterby saw that, he damned near lost his mind. Started slamming his Bible on the table, started crying and going on about the whole ‘Mark of the BO’B’ and how the Lord was cursing us.”

“Did anyone else have an issue with that line-up of draft picks?”

“Nope. Actually, there was quite the grin on Caserio’s face. He was trying to calm Easterby down. He was all ‘Jack, Jack…think about it. 3-6th round picks. Three chances to possibly find the next Tom Brady.’”

The source paused for a moment. “All of a sudden, every single person that Nick Caserio brought over from New England stood up ramrod straight, removed their hats, placing their hats and hands over their hearts chanting ‘Toooooommmm Br-aaaaaaa-dy.’”

Wild Card Round - Tennessee Titans v New England Patriots
The Blessed, Old Testament Version of Tom Brady (not the New Testament thing in Tampa Bay)
Photo by Maddie Meyer/Getty Images

“But that didn’t stay ol’ Easterby. Oh [Easterby] no! He went berserk, calling Caserio an instrument of the devil, under the influence of the Evil Hoodie One and, and, and…called him a…a…(gulp) a man who wasn’t smart, tough or dependable!!! Oh, did that ever get Caserio’s dander up. The claws were out, and he was about to pounce on Easterby…”

Rare image of Nick Caserio prepping to attack Jack Easterby after such a grievous insult
jurassic-world.fandom.com

We replied “What stopped him? Cal?”

The source: “Oh, [Easterby] no!!! Cal was too busy trying to figure out how to turn on the franchise mode in Madden 2020. Nah, Janice just happened to walk in, saw a near fight break out, and then threatened to take away Cal’s allowance as well as Caserio’s and Easterby’s church parking spaces. Eventually, they reached a deal whereby Easterby apologized for the grievous insult and Caserio promised to work some major deals to try trade a couple of picks away. He still managed to keep two 6th for this chance to hit on the next Tom Brady [as one, every New England minion hired by Caserio stood up ramrod straight, removed their hats, placed hats/hands over their chest and chanted ‘Toooooommmm Br-aaaaaaa-dy!’]. A few trades, draft picks, and some more encouraging calls from Caserio: ‘Kid, just wanted to let you know, good luck. We’re all counting on you.’”

“[Easterby], what a cluster[Easterby]. I need another pint of ‘Holy Water’”

And so it went for the Texans. Usually, there is the post-script of all the UDFAs that a team can sign, perhaps with the chance to find the next Arian Foster [All Texans fans from 2010-2015 stand up as one, remove their hats, place them and their hands over their hearts and chant in pterodactyl] or A.J. Bouye. However, as another staffer noted “Eh, Caserio didn’t care too much. He already signed so many free agents that he didn’t care about UDFAs. Easterby was all trying to sell how great and wonderful the Texans were…so a grand total of 4 guys decided, yeah, we’ll do it. Guess he [Easterby] wanted to push ‘Building the Texans’...didn’t get the results we hoped.”

“Hey, beats waiting to hear back from H.E.B. and seeing if that stocking position will open up.” Noted one of the lucky 4 UDFAs who did not wish to be named.

With that, the Texans turn the page on this draft. Perhaps next year’s draft will offer a greater level of drama. Until then, take a gander at the updated projections for top prospects for 2022. And in looking at those, don’t lose too much sleep on those at the top of the list, the ones most likely to be there when the draft starts. Nope, no reason to think about top prospects whatsoever…no reason at all.

Until then, we say to the newest Texans: “Kids, we just wanted to tell you, good luck. We’re all counting on you.”