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TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: The Emergence of the Brood Texans

A gathering of lifeforms the likes of which never before seen in Texans history

Brood X Cicadas Emerge After 17 Years Underground Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

HOUSTON – In what many experts are calling a massive infestation not seen in many years, there is a swarm of creatures overtaking the facilities in downtown Houston. “So far, the infestation appears to be localized, most focused on the South, Central part of the city. However, we can’t guarantee that this will remain the case in the future. We really don’t know all that much about this particular brood, and we can’t be sure about migratory patterns.” noted sociologist Dr. Magic Septendecim.

“At the latest count, we figure there are 72 or so of these particular creatures taking up residence around South Central Houston. Interestingly enough, they all seem concentrated in one specific area, forming nests in and around the NRG Stadium. Given the rarity of this creatures and this type of concentration, there is much more study and analysis we will need to perform before we can get the full picture of what we are dealing with as a community and a species.”

What are these creatures that seemingly emerge from out of nowhere (perhaps out of the ground), buzz around areas, making a lot of noise and seemingly moving in less-than-graceful manners?

“This is the localized species of Free Agentius Texacanus. While known to frequent this part of the city from the early spring, rising in numbers by late summer, but thinning out by autumn, the high numbers of individual creatures are especially unusual. While it is not unheard of for other parts of the country to experiences such a massive conflagration in a localized area, this is a once-in-decade-or-two event.” Noted another mammalian researcher, Dr. Ci Cadia.

“An emergence/swarming this big, it is leading many of us to think of these things as a brood. Ok, maybe they don’t cover quite an area like the whole Brood X thing going on, but in their general living area, they are no less dense, and certainly, no less loud than the their six-legged counterparts.”

So, what is the deal with the emergence of Brood Texans? Is this meant to rival the near biblical emergence of Brood X?

“Well, I don’t know about all of that scientifical stuff, but all I know is that we have a real need for free agents and new players. Especially at Linebacker and Running Back. Big demand” opined Texans GM Nick Caserio.

Admittedly, you could be forgiven for thinking this is another Texans LB/RB...but you could also be right...
Personal Collection/SCM

“After my time back at college, I was looking to expand my coaching horizons” noted Texans Defensive Coordinator Lovie Smith. “In particular, after one of our many rough Big Ten games, a couple of players showed me a lesson they were working on for biology. Ended up reading something about this type of bugs that only come out of the ground like once every 17 years or so. That seemed kinda cool…or it could have been the hookah we were smoking (for medicinal purposes). Anyway, it was something that just always stuck in the back of my mind for the next few months. Then I get to Houston.”

“After talking with [Head Coach Dave] Culley, we then went into a meeting with Nick [Caserio]. That was one wild conversation. I noted how we seemed a little thin at linebacker, especially with my new Serie A inspired concepts, and [Offensive Coordinator] Tim [Kelly] kept saying that he wanted a deeper bench of running backs, and thus, our plan came to germination…fruition…evolution, oh whatever, that is when we went all Brood X on them.

“Brood X?”

“Yeah, that we got from Dave. Before he left Baltimore, he kept reading about how the big ‘Brood X’ was coming up out of the ground and taking over everything up there. Imagine, a swarm of cicadas. Our ‘Swarming Cicada Defense and Rushing Attack!’ Doesn’t that strike terror into the hearts of our opponents?”

Brood X Cicadas Emerge After 17 Years Underground
This is the dream of the Texans brain trust for the rushing/LB corps.
Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

“Actually” chimed in Dr. Cadia, “that has to be one of the dumbest statements I have ever heard. Yeah, the Brood X swarms around, and there are billions of those things, getting into everything. They are as loud AF when they are all ‘chiming’, but they fly around like staggering drunks, and the only thing they are aggressive about is mating. Then again, if you’ve been stuck underground for 17 years, and don’t have a long life span, what do you think your priorities will be?”

“Oh, well, at least we have the whole depth thing going for us,” countered Caserio. “Why do you think we have SEVEN running backs on the roster, and 10, 12 LBs on the roster…that, and we can flex the LBs and all the other positions. So, we lose a few. We just overwhelm our opponents with depth. We are quite scary, right?”

Would this put fear into opposing teams? What say the East Coast Teams?

“Wow, how dumb is that organization getting? I mean, they [cicadas] get all over the place, and they do sorta freak you out at first when the land all over everything. Yet, they don’t hurt the crops, don’t actually bite or sting, and if you get them on their backs, they are generally useless. You just crush the ones in your way, and you ignore the rest as you drive through them to get wherever” observed one player.

This was the sentiment from just about everyone, well, except the Baltimore contingent, who seemed obsessed with using Old Bay to add some flavor to them, or just the fact that they use Old Bay in everything from cooking, to air freshening, to deodorant. You throw some Old Bay on anything, including a gross-looking bug, and for those who are full-up Maryland, their tongues will lap them all up, wings and all.

Brood X Cicadas Emerge After 17 Years Underground
Could this also migrate from Baltimore to Houston?
Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

“Normally, when a brood like Brood X comes out, that is a once in a lifetime/career opportunity. However, with Brood Texans...eh, not quite as many people looking to really study their habits. I guess someone will have to cover it, but don’t think I will be on that crew” stated Dr. Cadia. “However, if you excuse me, I have some work to do...” This probably did not have anything to do with a female colleague that was walking by, but we don’t want to speculate.

Until then, we at Totally Not Fake News recommend that people remain calm. Brood Texans, while loud and maybe a little scary-looking, are really quite harmless and shouldn’t be any cause for alarm. Just go calmly about your lives, and all will be fine, even if you have to scrap the remains off your windshield.