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Totally Not Fake News: All Quiet on the Texans’ Front

Nope, nothing going on with the Texans...is this a bad thing?

NFL: DEC 21 Ravens at Texans Photo by John Rivera/Icon SMI/Corbis/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

HOUSTON, TX – The NFL “Dead Zone” continues. Training camps are still a few weeks away and the sports world, between the resumption of key 2020 events, like the European Championships (although, now that the Belgian Red Devils are out of the draw, we fully expect ratings to fall with a Cal McNair-like certainty) and the Summer Olympics (which may yet not turn into a COVID-super spreader dumpster fire), the NBA Finals (where the Phoenix Suns seem to be in good position with their experienced point guard, who this city may or may not remember when he suited up for them for a spell) and baseball (even if the sport is going through trashcan-banging and Spider Tack withdrawal), is awash in plenty of non-football type events. Given the dearth of football activity, the extra-curricular activities of some of its stars will garner headline news.

Normally, most organizations would like to be somewhat in the headlines, as that portents increased attention and mentions in social media. Most teams. For the Houston Texans, well, not exactly...

“Thank [Easterby]!!! Between the 4th of July and the NFL Dead Zone, I am sooo needing a break from the madness that has been 2021. I know most people look to 2020 as the hell-year, but you talk with any of the staffers that haven’t quit, gone mad or thrown themselves off the roof of NRG Stadium, and it is just nice that we are actually NOT trending on social media” exclaimed one unnamed staffer.

“Just think about what has gone on with this team? When it is universally regarded that the best moment of the year was the last game of the previous season, which we lost to the in-bred idiots in our typical, stupidly entertainingly fashion to finish 4-12…you know that everything is just plain EUBAR/SNAEU*…I can’t take any more bad headlines. Everything we have done, and I mean everything, since then has just been a certified nightmare for us all.”

“I…I…I…can’t take it any more!!!” cried another staffer in the Public Relations department. “I just can’t make up another ‘feel good story’ about another Joe-Schmo linebacker/running back who was once on an NFL roster for a hot minute and the team signed in order to improve the charac…the charac…the char [loud, long retching noise…forcing us to leave the room for 5 minutes]”

After a half-hour break, where said staffer used 4 smelling salt packets and 2 full tumblers of an Easterby Cleanser (which, as far as we can tell, is a mix of lemon juice, Southern Comfort, Russian homemade vodka (or engine degreaser) and bleach**), the interview resumed.

“Good lord, I so needed that. Some people in the office are up to five of those for breakfast. Yeah, all of those free agents, and almost no one knows or cares. Then you have that whole loss of Watt, which killed our social media trending strategy. Mix in the situation with last season’s starting quarterback…yeah, hold on [immediately chugs some sort of clear, alcohol-smelling type liquid, which could be anything from Everclear to hydrochloric acid]….WHHHOOOOOOO!!!!! Yeah, and don’t get me started on the posting the ‘Kyle’ pressers….I just can’t.”

When we wondered if the team considered some sort of mental, psychological or spiritual help, noting that in the era of COVID, there is a greater emphasis on worker mental and psychological help, Texans CEO and main figurehead Cal McNair had this to offer:

“We feel that we have the best, strongest organization when it comes to spiritual and mental health. Yes, there have been quite a few stressful moments for this team, but as I aid in previous statements, the employees, like the fans, have to trust that we, the team brainy-part/smartiest-type people, know what we are doing, and that it is in the best interest of the Easterby, er, the organization...gotta work on that last part...Anyway, we have a strong spiritual base, so for any whose faith in the Texans are wavering, we have a special “heart-warming” ceremony to strengthen the resolve of our employees.

Oh look, here is Jack Easterby conducting the most recent heart-warming ceremony now...

“As for mental health, and breaks, why, we have some of the best entertainment in the business. For example, we have the latest installment of ‘Building the Texans.’ Just take a look.”

[Immediately after this started showing on all the monitors at the Texans facilities, five employees made a beeline for the windows, frantically opening them and jumping over the threshold…even at the highest levels of the office. We also received word that the custodial staff is protesting, as they can’t keep cleaning/disinfecting agents on hand in sufficient quantities for post ‘morale-boosting’ events. Whether it is for excessive clean-up, or that the various staffers are purloining the liquid for their own personal consumption, we are not sure.]

Perhaps all the turmoil explains the current dearth of seemingly relevant, key Texans football news. “Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Yes, we had big plans for the 20th anniversary of the franchise, but given what has gone on this off-season, and we just can’t shut down our team page with a slide saying ‘See you in 2022’, we figured we would just post highlights of the Texans beating up on inferior teams to show a few of its better moments” noted a team executive who didn’t give its name, but whose profile looked very similar to a new team president.

Until then, the team will continue to go with past highlights, ignoring any and all mentions of the greatest players that either no longer play for the team, or are in a bit of legal limbo. Perhaps this is an anathema to the modern media world, but for the staff of the Texans, no news is good news. Will it stay that way before training camp? Stay tuned.

*Easterby-ed Up Beyond All Recognition/Situation Normal, All Easterby-ed Up
**This should really go without saying (seriously), but after events of the past year, it is actually NOT a good idea to directly ingest bleach. Contrary to the pronouncements of some, it will not actually help you alleviate any medical (physical, mental, psychological) condition.