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Totally Not Fake News: The Nuclear Option

The card you play when all else fails...

Atomic Bomb dropped in Nagasaki Courtesy of the National Archives/Newsmakers

HOUSTON, TX – When people use the term “nuclear option” this tends to involve the most extreme, the most desperate measure available for use. The modern lexicon has multiple uses for the “nuclear option.” Should one go to that sage source of all knowledge, Wikipedia, you will receive a brief overview about the “nuclear option” as a procedure in the US Senate. There are also other various references to using the “nuclear option”. Most of this stems from the fact that nuclear weapons are considered the ultimate in firepower and for those countries who have them, there is always that option.

However, lest we dwell on the ramifications of thousands of nuclear warheads detonating across the globe, bringing about such charming concepts as nuclear fallout/winter, mass extinction and the end of life on the planet, let’s move on to other, more important topics. By this, we mean the trench-warfare stand-off between Deshaun Watson and the Houston Texans. You remember Watson, right? The fourth string quarterback and back-up non-contact safety who has only suited up in pads once at Training Camp. Oh, yeah, he was a starting QB for the team, allegedly.

There was quite the to-do when people at the Texans’ training camp on Monday saw the fourth stringer (or second-string non-contact safety if we want to be a little more charitable) have a discussion with the most powerful velociraptor in the NFL, Nick Caserio. While “official” sources did not report on what was said, we at Totally Not Fake News, using our own special and possibly, somewhat, kinda-sorta-but-maybe-not-entirely-but-we’ll-say-they-are legal listening devices means were able to gleam what the two entities discussed:

Watson: “Hey, Nick, did you trade me yet?”

Caserio: “No”

Watson: “You gonna trade me today?”

Caserio: “No”

Watson: “You gonna trade me tomorrow?”

Caserio: “No”

Watson: “You gonna trade me at some point soon?”

Caserio: “No”

Watson: “You’re funny…but no, seriously, when are you gonna trade…”

Caserio: “No.”

Watson: “Ok…[inaudible]…well, when you come around, give me call at the following. Got a great massag[CENSORED SO THAT WE DON’T GET SUED VIOLATE HIPAA ISSUES]”

The meeting of the minds
Houston Chronicle

To recap, since the early stages of the off-season, #4 as declared that he wanted out of Houston, requesting, nay, demanding a trade. Thus far, the team has not traded the back-up non-contact safety, as apparently, other teams are realizing the Texans do not have the previous GM on the team.

“Non-contact, back-up safeties who can also play fourth string quarterbacks don’t just grow on trees ya know. If you think we are trading that valuable camp asset for anything less than a franchise-altering level of draft picks, well, we can’t help you on that one” observed a spokesperson for Nick Caserio.

However, the long stalemate is apparently wearing on all parties. Coach Culley, in an effort to save his voice, is taking to placing a laminated card on his podium for press conferences that reads as follows:

For All Questions About the 4th string QB/2nd string non-contact safety, please refer to one of the following responses:

A) “Nothing has changed”

B) “No comment”

“Saw that [Easterby] card at least 25 times in the last press conference” observed a lesser press entity that was clearly not the great and glorious Totally Not Fake News.

As for the multiple-faceted camp asset, there is growing frustration in his camp. “[Easterby], I thought the team was for sure gonna free him by now” observed an anonymous consultant to #4. “First, we made the public pronouncements…he even removed all references on SOCIAL MEDIA….in 2021, that is like a living death, man! Then, after what we saw the Stafford and Wentz deals, we thought for sure that we was gonna be gone, hopefully to a great city/organization. Hey, they might have gotten some decent picks, don’t know. Could’ve been the big win/win they always talk about…ah well.”

When asked about the various allegations, the consultant went into conniptions “You mean the FALSE allegations. They didn’t happen, they can’t prove it, my employer/bill-payer is completely and totally innocent. FAKE NEWS!!!”

After he calmed down for a bit…”Well, to be honest, we felt that this could still have worked to our advantage. The team, which is so big on “character” and “morality” would’ve been thrilled, or so we thought, to get rid of a so-called ‘predator’. Ship him out, get him off the books and move on…but Oh no…they want this whole ‘fair value thing’. Either that, or they are still holding to that pronouncement that Watson is ‘The ‘Chosen One. Ordained by the one true prophet of the Texans that will lead the blessed Texans to the Promised Land’…or some bull[Easterby] like that.”

The consultant appeared deflated. “Yet, here we are. The team ain’t lettin’ him go, and #4 gotta go clock in…gotta pay the bills. I mean, we may, not that we want to, but we may have to look at the…the…nuclear option.”

Thus, the following exchange occurred:

TNFN Reporter: “You want to end the filibuster for the Texans?”Anonymous Consultant: “What? No! This team is a theocracy. There ain’t no filibusters in the Bible.”

TNFN Reporter: “You have actual nukes?”Anonymous Consultant: “No! [Easterby] no! Besides, radioactive fallout could really hinder my client’s [CENSORED]”

TNFN Reporter: “So, what exactly is this ‘nuclear option’ that you speak of?”

The consultant was not at liberty to say, but he did reveal that they think they figured out the critical node for “targeting”.

“The team’s center of gravity is its spiritual advisor and his ‘message.’ Disrupt that, or shock the [Easterby] out of that and #4 will be as free as a jaybird…money and all.”

How could #4 employ the “nuclear option” to maximum effect? We have unconfirmed reports that the following transcribed soundtrack was playing at his residence around midnight. The transcript was a little incomplete, as there were sounds of what seemed like dying animals, but we could get the following:

“ALL HAIL SATAN!!!! All HAIL THE FALLEN ANGEL!!! ALL HAIL THE MORNING STAR!!! ALL HAIL

[Editor’s note: The rest was drowned out by indiscriminate noise of some sort of life form(s)…we aren’t sure.]

[Editor’s 2nd note: Our sound technician has suddenly taken to a habit of eating raw hamburger meat…we aren’t sure why].

Whatever option, if any are deployed, we at Totally Not Fake News will relay that information, provided our staff are located at a minimum safe distance.