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Totally Not Fake News: The Week After

Victory...so long an unremembered dream, was theirs

Houston Texans v Green Bay Packers Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images

Houston, TX – It was a joyous, defiant team that returned to practice this week. The Texans, logging their first win of 2021 and first win of any sort since Thanksgiving 2020, felt a sense of unity of purpose and ready to attack the critics. “Not favored to win ANY games, huh?” boasted Vernon Hargreaves III. “Well, shows you what all the so-called-experts know!!!! We are invincible, and we are gonna shock the world!!! Screw last season, screw it al…hold on a sec [Thump of a football hitting a pair of hands] MILLS!!!! Picked you off again, dude! We aren’t even on the field right now, man!!!”

“Sorry Mr. Hargreaves the Third, sir! I promise that I won’t do that again” noted a sheepish-looking David Mills. “I really didn’t mean to throw it towards him. I was just passing the practice football back to the equipment manager, and it just sorta slipped out of my hand. The ball just seems to have a homing device for Mr. Hargreaves the Third. Practice has been tough lately, going against our secondary. They were picking off everything, and I mean everything. Coulda swore I was facing the second coming of the 1994 49ers defensive backfield. Imagine how relieved I felt when I went against a secondary that wasn’t ours. I almost didn’t know what to do with myself. Kept texting my Mommy and Daddy about how much less stress it was. Yeah, missed a few throws, and I did have that one pick…Stupid, Stupid DAVID!!!! However, Coach put his nacho tray down and was like ‘Dude, you aren’t throwing against our secondary. You’re throwing against Green Bay’s. Big difference.’ Mr Coach Culley is a swell guy.”

Houston Texans v Green Bay Packers
The best air defense weapon money can buy...without violating various international arms trafficking laws
Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images

Quarterback Jeff Driskel had his own take on the game. “Can’t believe that snot-nosed kid outpassed me! Of course, they let him throw 22 times. If they would’ve let me throw 22 times, I know I could have completed at least…6, probably 7….potentially 9 of those passes!!! However, I think I am in good shape for that lead QB blocking position. See how I was trucking people on my way leading Darius Jackson to the endzone?”

Reached for comment, Jackson had this to say “He thinks he was a legit lead blocker??? I kept telling that dumb[Easterby] to ‘Get out of the way! Move to your [Easterby] left or right!’ but he was having trouble with those basic commands. Not sure he has quite mastered those directional skills. Certainly that other QB we once had would’ve at least known to actually MOVE out of the way where I would tell him when I would tell him.”

“A win is a win” observed head coach David Culley, brushing remnants of the celebratory bag of nachos dumped over his head. “However, there is a lot of football to be played. We have to take each play one play at a time. If we work hard, practice hard, and follow the Divine path of the Blessed Easterby, we will achieve the glory of faith, and maybe some comped snack food at Caesar’s?”

Houston Texans v Green Bay Packers
THE 1-0 David Culley...aka “Swell Guy”
Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images

However, that was last week. Time to leave the rancid cheese of Green Bay behind and move on to next week. Another glorious pre-season tilt, this time against the Deep Southern Oklahoma Genocidal Animal Abusers….oh, wait, what was that?? Oh, sorry, we meant the Dallas Cowboys. They have also played a couple of pre-season games. They have not done quite as well as the Texans.

“Oh, I love our most blessed chances against that team from Sodom and Gomorrah” opined the Most Blessed Easterby after his afternoon devotionals. “They are not doing near as well as we are this season. We have better on-field performances and in-house church service attendance. Our boys thump the Bible better than they do. I can’t think on an area they have a leg up on us.”

Our intrepid reporter “You mean other than that their franchise is valued way, way more than yours, they have better odds for success this season and their franchise quarterback who also recently signed a massive contract extension is not facing over 22 counts of...”

“Oh ye of little faith. Perhaps you need one of our heart-warming ceremonies to get you in the right spirit?” the right-reverend Easterby stated, with a strange red glow in his eyes emerging.

“Uh, no, I think I am good. In fact, I am very good. Ohgeelookatthetimegottagonow!!!!” Our reporter quickly sped off.

As for the rest of the team, life moves forward. 85 players that will prep for the epic clash against the other team [Ed note: Cutdown week, as the squad has to get to 85 players.] Isaiah Coulter was the first asked to turn in his team playbook and Bible. “Good riddance to that remnant of the infidel BO’B” exclaimed Easterby. (Our reporter once again ran away right after pointing out that Easterby was on the staff that drafted him.) Caserio also set the team up for 2023 with a trade for a 6th round pick and another chance to draft the next Tom Brady [All Patriot alumni in the office rose as one, hats off and hands over hearts, to chant “TOOOOOOMMMMMMM BRRRRRAAAAAAADDDYYY”]. Then, the team, proving its increased efficiency, removing Roderick Johnson from the team’s COVID numbers and its overall roster all in the span of 24 hours.

With that, we leave the team as it moves forward in the off-season and ever forward towards the real 2021 season. Until then, enjoy the tilt against the other team up north. We really hope it is an enjoyable game. God knows we could use some actual good news after this week.