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Totally Not Fake News: The Aftermath of Week 2

We are over the hump for the pre-season

NFL: AUG 21 Preseason - Texans at Cowboys Photo by George Walker/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Houston, TX – As the dog days of August move ever slowly towards September, the traditional end of summer and the start of the football season, many a tired football player, drowning in buckets of sweat from the long, long hours of football type work in the hot Texas sun, looks towards those days. They do this not only because that’s when the real money/paychecks arrive, but also because it is end of the long, arduous slog that is training camp. Well, for most players. For the Texans, not so much.

“Come on, man! You think we want this to end? Did you see what we did in Green Bay? Did you see what we did in Dallas? When you are winning, you don’t ever, EVER want to stop! As the Holy Messenger Says: ‘VICTORY, VICTORY, VICTORY, VICTORY, VICTORY, VICTORY, VICTORY, VICTORY!!!’ observed one nameless Texans player.

“Oh, what a glorious day it was!!! We slayed the heathens up North, showing the world who really runs the show in Texas!!!! Yeah, yeah, I know. There will be a multitude of people out there saying something about how that team didn’t play its best players, it’s pre-season, it doesn’t matter, blah, blah, blah. Point is, they charged full price for those tickets, and the misguided souls, those who have not come to accept the true path of salvation, bought the smooth talk from the messenger of the Fallen Angel” exclaimed a quite exultant Executive Vice President of Football Operations Jack Easterby.

While the other team might have a point that they didn’t have their primary QB under center, they did play most of their starting offensive line. Yet, by halftime, the Cowboys probably wanted to change the narrative, especially the way that their “superior” offensive line fell prey to Charles Omenihu, who collected two sacks and a fumble recovery. “Well, those were nice and all, but the best part of night was receiving high praise and congrats from that most important of figures.” noted Omenihu.

Defense clearly won the game against Dallas. As for the offense, it did play.

NFL: AUG 21 Preseason - Texans at Cowboys Photo by George Walker/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

“We improved” noted Davis Mills. “Mr. Coach Culley told me to focus on the positives, no matter what the struggles. Going 10-16 for the game, that was so much better… and I didn’t get picked off by Mr. Vernon Hargreaves the Third. High FIVE!” Mills raised his hand up high, looking to our reporter’s hand, only to have it slap the outstretched hand of the aforementioned cornerback walking back to his locker room, noting “Again, MILLS!?!?!?”. Yet, no one on offense seemed more exuberant than Jeff Driskel.

“Man, I not only improved my completion percentage by a factor of 3, but did you see how I was running the football? Second leading rusher for the team… I can do it all. The single-wing QB of the Texans’ future. I ain’t going anywhere! Absolutely not… right Mr. Easterby? Right?”

[Jack Easterby had long since left the practice field]

While Driskel remains on the roster, the dark side of preseason continues rear its ugly head, as more players find themselves forced to update their LinkedIn Pages. Among them, TE and former water polo prospect Kahale Warring. “Yeah, it sucked getting cut. However, that wasn’t as tough was dealing with that damned ‘In Your Eyes’ song that one fan kept blaring outside my window. The only time that stopped was when it started raining something fierce… only for that same fan to sit out in his undershirt and jeans screaming.

KAHALE!!! HEY KKKAAAHHHHAALLEEE!!!
theguardian.com

Also included in the purges was the star of last year’s training camp, John Reid. “Man, getting traded for a bag of old Starbucks’ coffee sucks. I thought I was good with the whole ‘Smart, Tough, Dependable’. That was my path to success. What did I do wrong?”

“You were Smart, Tough and Dependable,” Noted Nick Caserio when asked.

Yet, the Texans did not only fire people. After sacking the remnants of BO’B’s drafts (clearly BO’B and no other individuals who were on the staff and had significant personnel inputs.) The team traded a 7th round draft pick for a Green Bay cornerback. We’ve never heard of this guy, so it is probably not anything to care about anyway.

“Hey, it had been a while since I made a trade or picked up a new player. Was gettin’ kinda antsy. Was annoying the [Easterby] out of my wife. Told me to get out of the house, make a trade, kill a brontosaurus… ya know, those things you do when you are a antsy raptor.” Noted GM Nick Caserio. “Wanted to get a linebacker or new running back, but the doctor told me to cut back on impulse buying/trading… But he didn’t say anything about defensive BACKS!!! WHOOO!!!!”

However, as the team moves forward, personnel moves are not the only concern. The squad looks to not only go for 3 in a row, but a chance to face-off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and their legendary starting quarterback, Tom Brady (all the Patriot Alum once again put their hands over their hearts and utter the chant “TOOOOOMMMMM BRRRRRAAAADDDDDYYYYYYY!”). Currently, it is not known if Brady (TOOOOOMMMMMMMM BRRRRRAAAAADDDDYYYYYYY”) will play. However, the Texans, coming off a two-game winning streak, look to end the pre-sesason on a high note, especially if it can claim a victory over the Super Bowl Champs, whether or not Tom Brady (TOOOOMMMMMM BRRRRRAAAAADDDDDYYYY) [At this point, it was getting a little annoying with all the chanting and people standing and coming to attention, so we will only refer to the Tampa Bay QB by his jersey number] plays.

“We’ll be ready” observed defensive coordinator Lovie Smith. “Doesn’t matter if we play against the idiots who fired me and forced me to get a job at Illinois. Doesn’t matter if they ruined my NFL resume. Nope, it doesn’t matter. We’ll be ready, whether Brady (TOOOMM“SHUT UP!!! SHUT THE [EASTERBY] UP!!!! {sounds like gunshots permeated the air})….ahem, whether or not #12 plays or not.”

Houston Texans v Green Bay Packers
He may or may not be out for vengeance this week. Who can tell?
Photo by Quinn Harris/Getty Images

Whether or not the Texans can live up to that promise, we shall see. Until then, we will wait until Saturday, when the team takes the field for the last of the pre-season games, ready to greet the home crowd and fight off the Bucs and prep for the regular season.