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Totally Not Fake News: A New Season and A Chance to Answer Some Questions

Finally, enough talking about football...let’s play football, and then get right back to talking about football.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers v Houston Texans
Game Time!!!
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Houston, TX – The new season is finally, finally upon the world. With the first game on Sept 9th, the NFL returns to games that count for real. Real football, and the chance for real sellouts with real-live, three-dimensional fans. Players will actually take the field and the stars will play for the entire game, if they can. It is a generally considered a great thing. This is a time for excitement…at least for most teams.

However, not every franchise can look to the regular season with high spirits. For the Houston Texans, there is some optimism, but given the sheer disappointment of missing some key goals/milestones from the last game and the end of preseason, it is best considered guarded. “We know that it is tough for teams to rebound when they come so close to final victory, only to be thwarted. However, we do get another chance to move past this, and perhaps salvage something with the regular season. There’s got to be a silver lining after that last game” lamented one unnamed player, but we think was a linebacker or running back…so, yeah, could be anyone.

“The team’s spirits were so down after that loss to Tampa Bay” observed Head Coach David Culley. “Guys were just mopping around. There was no real energy in practice for the first couple of practices. We got nothing done. I thought that the team needed some sort of major pick-me-up. So, instead of practice, we just went ahead and had a BBQ. I think it helped the team for the most part. Never figured that some good ol’ Bill Miller BBQ would do the trick. So filling…but maybe too filling, as we had to practice the next day due to an unusual number of players having to quickly leave the field for the locker room, only to return to the field, to then, just as quickly, return to the locker room. Very strange.”

When you see this sign, your stomach knows what’s comin’... (probably not followed by a sponsorship).

Yet, as the team looks to move past the preseason and onto the next phase of the NFL calendar, there are so many questions that the Texans will face, and the first chance to answer them will be this coming Sunday, against the Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jags, also armed with a new head coach and starting quarterback, will bring in a new sense of optimism, but also their own series of questions to answer.

Some of the questions the Texans will have to answer:

  • Can Vernon Hargreaves III continue the dominance he showed in training camp as the top corner for the Texans?
  • Will Bradley Roby get over his grief from being suddenly traded to the New Orleans Saints, who will open the season in Jacksonville, while the Jacksonville team is opening the season in Houston and the Houston team will open its season in…oh, you get the idea.

[Editor’s Note: We have footage of Roby departing the Texans’ facilities after completion of the trade]

  • Will the Texans continue to cycle through cornerbacks and Patriot slot receivers? Can the Texans show that they are the new Patriots South?

Yet, the Jaguars have their own questions to answer. Some of the issues they must face:

  • Will we actually see a real, live Jaguars fan in the wild? We hear rumors of them, and sometimes they wash up passed out on random coastlines, but will we see them in action? And in multiples?
  • Will Urban Meyer’s coaching pattern of racking big wins on the field and creating massive personnel drama continue in the NFL?

Then there is the greatest question of all regarding their #1 draft pick, and sole national championship winning quarterback from Clemson that will be on the field. No, it has nothing to do with his expected on-field performance, nor to do with the fact that he will be sans his backfield teammate from Clemson.

Nope, the biggest question facing Trevor Lawrence is…when will he get around to signing that massive endorsement deal for a hair care product line? It is known that he is a regular user of Pantene Pro-V, which should put Pantene in the driver’s seat for that coveted endorsement deal (especially since it nearly sold out in South Carolina). Yet, is Lawrence playing the market? Will Head and Shoulders move ahead in the race? Is it a play to pump up the endorsement contract? We have to know!!!

Jacksonville Jaguars v New Orleans Saints
No helmet hair for this man...
Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images

Perhaps these and many other questions will be answered, as these two teams will slug it out on the field, deciding once and for Urban Meyer the worst man named Urban since Pope Urban II?

No, wait, sorry, that is not the right question. The correct question is...will Urban Meyer reign supreme as the biggest douche on the field come Sunday?

Oh, wait, sorry...alright, alright [deep breath]...This game will probably help set the tone for each team for the 2022 NFL Draft 2021 NFL Season, which is always of interest to the Texans’ off-field, off-season MVP Nick Caserio. Until next week dear readers.

Clearly the Texans will not have anyone that can challenge Urban Meyer for the title of biggest douche on the field. Nope, there is clearly no contest here.