Brothers and sisters! It is time once again for us to sing our praises and thank the good football Lord that we have pigskins flying again in Houston once more. And so it falls upon me, your humble minister, to guide the scattered flock toward the glorious and beautiful light that is Houston Texans football. Can I get a praise Cal? I said, can I get a praise Cal?!
Today, fellow Texan brethren and sistren, I’d like to speak about…the tumult and the crucible that our beloved team has been put through over these long, hard months. But we have come through that storm stronger than ever before! Much, much like a humble drop of water.
Folks, next time you get yourself a tall glass of water or get out of the shower or brush your teeth at night, stop and take notice of that little drip of water. It doesn’t look like much, does it? But there are forces at work there! Forces that you cannot see or hear with the naked eye! Notice how that drop clings together. It doesn’t disperse; all them little water atoms don’t just stray apart. They hold together, they are a CO-HESIVE unit. Cohesion is critical. Without COHESION , brothers and sisters, there is only chaos. There is degeneracy.
And that is what our Houston Texans, beloved in the sight of the one true football God, have achieved! The same cohesion as that humble drop of water!
But there is more to a drop of water; way, way more than mere cohesion. And that is where you, pious followers of the one true team come in! Water is both cohesive and adhesive. Water will adhere to any surface that it might land up against. It adheres so that the drop does not simply bounce from place to place without regard to its actions. The followers of the Texans must adhere to the team and keep them grounded, no matter what adversity comes along.
Now, you may find yourself, after seeing all the hardship and all the torment, asking Mr. McNair, peace and blessings be upon his family, you may ask, “Sir, I am a good fan. I’m a loyal fan. I’ve supported this team through the hardest of times and yet you still try me. When does it get easier? When do we get to experience the promised land that we have sought lo these many years?” It’s a perfectly understandable sentiment. You might even think about straying from the path.
You might even hear a little voice inside you say, “It’s okay. It’s just one year. What could possibly happen if we follow a different team this season?” Do not listen to that voice! For that gentle whisper is the siren song of the vile Beelzebud leading once good members of the flock to their eternal torment. For they shall receive nothing but the fire and misery of standing in the burning gridiron of Nashville for a thousand aeons until the spotlights fade and the final whistle of judgment sounds!
Now please open up your playbooks to the Book of Kubes, Chapter 14, Verse 9.
“For it is upon me that the fortunes of this team must sit. And while I struggle to watch and receiveth our lessons, it is with song in our hearts that we joyously learn from our mistakes. Yay, though we shall resurrect ourselves the following Sunday and put into effect our lessons learned that we may shower in the glory of Mr. McNair’s approval.”
It is upon us all to remember that the team rests upon ALL our shoulders, brothers and sisters. No matter how difficult the burden, we must all remain strong for the sake of the flock. For one bull may stray, but when all stray, the weight crushes those who would lift it.
Here endeth the lesson.
Now before we go, we do have some additional business to address. We would like to wish Brother Bradley Roby well as he goes off on his mission. If you haven’t heard, he is being tasked with bringing the good word of Texans football to the godless heathens in New Orleans. We hope he is successful and that the path toward the light shines brightly for them.
And we know there’s a great deal of uncertainty revolving around Brother Deshaun as he battles the demons that stand before him. Let him serve as a reminder to all of us that THE LAYING OF HANDS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A CONSENSUAL ACT, no matter how desperately you may think the other person needs it.