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Houston Texans Final Score/Post-Game Recap: Texans 37, Jaguars 21

What in tarnations?

Jacksonville Jaguars v Houston Texans Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

All summer long, the haters and the losers have been down on your Houston Texans. They're nothing without Deshaun Watson. Nick Caserio is another Patriots wannabe who will end up back in New England eventually. Tyrod Taylor and Mark Ingram are washed up. Kamu Gruiger-Hill and others are never-beens. It’s a long, slow death march to 0-17.

But you have to play the games. Once the ball was finally kicked of at NRG Stadium today and the chatter was silenced into the abyss, the Texans absolutely skinned the Jaguars once again and mounted their coat to the wall like something you’d see in a demonic dental office.

Tyrod Taylor. That’s TYGOD Taylor to you. He was slippery in the pocket, evading pass rushers, something he needed to do often, and took off occasionally when it was open. Down field, Taylor delivered to absolute kill shots to Brandin Cooks, including one where Cooks leapt over another defender—who was recently sent to the shadowlands never to return—and another deep bomb on the run. Tim Kelly schemed up open throws to the sideline well by using his tight ends as a distraction. TYGOD Taylor banished the Antichrist back to Jacksonville.

Last year, the Texans had three interceptions all season long, one of which was a J.J. Watt pick-six. Regression to the mean was expected to happen this year. The Texans matched last year’s interception total in a single game, with not one, not two, but three interceptions. Each one was pretty easy to boot. It just goes to show that turnovers require the defense to capitalize on the offense’s mistakes.

Houston’s pass rush was weak though, and there were plenty of holes in the zone coverage. The Jags fell behind and they could never really try to get the run going. Trevor Lawrence was still able to find two easy deep touchdowns. Jacksonville’s receivers dropped five passes. Most of Lawrence’s errant throws were high passes that came on the move.

Jacksonville was terribly coached this game too. Urban Meyer has never watched the Texans play before. Today was a first for him. Illegal formation penalties. A horrendous 55 yard field goal attempt. Terrible screen passes against zone coverage. Joe Cullen back to his old ways—naked and drunk in the drive-through, coordinating a bland defense that had way too many Andrew Wingards.

The Jaguars were completely outclassed by the man on the opposite sideline. David Culley was beautiful and jovial. Coaching his players up, constantly licking his lips, tongue enormous, teeth glorious and white and bright. How can you not play football? How can you not love suiting up for this man?

Houston will play plenty of other better teams, teams who aren’t starting a rookie quarterback in his first game, teams that have an actual NFL caliber head coach. Don’t worry about the future and what may happen against Indianapolis, Cleveland, Arizona, Seattle, or Los Angeles (C). Enjoy what just happened. Because that was fun as hell, and we have no idea how much more of that we are going to get. Every day is a gift, and today was a box of puppies.

Your first place Texans play the Browns in Cleveland next Sunday at 12 p.m.