Hair of the Dog - “They Did What?” Edition: Texans/Jaguars

I’m pretty sure none of us saw this coming. Not the game; we knew that was coming back in April when they released the schedule. But how DOMINANT the Texans would look against the Jags in their home opener. Because that’s what they were. They dominated the Jags in all phases of the game. At no point did the game even feel like it was in doubt for your favorite Houston-based professional football team. They made it look, dare I say (Dare! Dare!), easy.

Now it would be really easy to see how the Texans played and immediately start making plans for being in Los Angeles in February, but there’s a couple of things to remember before you book a hotel. First, these are the Jags, and they are not what you would call good. So any accomplishment by the Texans in this game should be tempered by that fact alone. But second, and more importantly, it’s been one game. It is impossible to determine how good or bad a team is with one game’s worth of data, and this year is no exception.

I’m not saying the Texans will absolutely not be any good this year, I’m skeptical, like deeply skeptical, but I’m not closing the book on the possibility. I will wait a few more games before making a more informed judgment on the team.

Until then, I’m going to relish this win. My hope for a spectacular trainwreck of an 0-17 season is gone. I’m only nominally sad about that, but that win was too enjoyable to sulk about it too much.

So with that said, let’s get to the inaugural Dog of the season.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this thread safe to read at work. Because if we didn’t, the voices would come back and yell at me until I fixed it.

If you have any questions or concerns about this week’s commentary, please either make mention of them in the comments section. Or don’t, I’m not your mother.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION

UprootedTexan — 11:51 AM

Ahh, it’s good to be back in the abyss. It’s cozy, it feels like home.

Joe Critz — 11:51 AM

FOOTBALL IS BAAAAAACK

ready to beat the jags?

Carlos Flores — 11:51 AM

Cue MNF music

Joe Critz — 11:52 AM

Actually we’ll probably end up tying with them since it’s apparently a thing for first overall pick qbs to tie in their first game

Matt Weston — 11:53 AM

Adam last call Archuleta always has that little squinty eye rolling

UprootedTexan — 11:56 AM

Direct TV isn’t working here so already this is the best start I could’ve hoped for.

Matt Weston — 11:57 AM

Every week one is the entirety of America scrambling trying to figure out how to watch CBS again

l4blitzer — 11:57 AM

As ambivalent as I am about the fighting McEasterby’s, only my loathing of Urban Meyer makes me want to see the McEasterby vision come to fruition for today

Joe Critz — 12:01 PM

urban meyer is about to be such a bad nfl head coach

i have absolutely no faith in his ability to coach or his carefully selective memory

UprootedTexan — 12:04 PM

[Kitten]it, it’s working. Now I have to watch the game.

FIRST QUARTER

TEXANS FIRST POSSESSION

Matt Weston — 12:06 PM

send me my jacket

UprootedTexan — 12:07 PM

AND A RUN UP THE MIDDLE TO START! THAT FOOTBALL FEELING!

bigfatdrunk — 12:08 PM

Which will be uglier this year? Me, naked, covered in corn oil and rolling around in a baby pool with Cocoa Pebbles?

Or the @houstontexans offense?

UprootedTexan — 12:08 PM

Three and out.

Joe Critz — 12:08 PM

i believe in tyrod taylor :)

no i dont

JAGS FIRST POSSESSION

bigfatdrunk — 12:09 PM

Wait, what did he say about BOB? That he wasn’t committed to running the ball???

UprootedTexan — 12:09 PM

Oh man am I glad I can’t hear them talk.

Joe Critz — 12:10 PM

How good is Trevor gonna be in the context of the other 1st round qbs drafted alongside him

I think he’ll be right in the middle, third best out of 5

Or third worst if you’d rather look at it like that

UprootedTexan — 12:11 PM

Jags already calling a timeout.

Joe Critz — 12:11 PM

Maybe even fourth if both Fields and Lance turn out to be good

UprootedTexan — 12:13 PM

It’s hard to say. You’re not even entertaining the idea of Mac Jones being better than Lawrence?

3rd and 15 and they almost converted.

This secondary is gonna be traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash.

Joe Critz — 12:14 PM

ITS OKAY

We stopped them!

TEXANS SECOND POSSESSION

Joe Critz — 12:14 PM

I am gonna stay helplessly positive until I can’t anymore

Matt Weston — 12:15 PM

[Durga] this is awful so far from both ends

bigfatdrunk — 12:16 PM

Cunningham was absolutely lost on the 3rd down play. If we are counting on him to play the Derrick Brooks role, we’re completely screwed.

l4blitzer — 12:17 PM

Wait, there’s a chance we’re not completely screwed already?

Carlos Flores — 12:17 PM

Cant see the game but it sounds like it’s a stink show

bigfatdrunk — 12:17 PM

No, not at all.

UprootedTexan — 12:17 PM

I’ll just add it to the list of things that we’re screwed at.

Joe Critz — 12:17 PM

ur never out of the game when Taylor is on the field :)

bigfatdrunk — 12:18 PM

DAVID CULLEY HAS SIZE 10 1/2 SHOES, Y’ALL.

UprootedTexan — 12:18 PM

@Joe: I feel like we said the same thing about Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Joe Critz — 12:18 PM

Hahaha

Yknow this running style we want to work is really gonna rely on good interior blocking

Which is a really bad idea

We at least have good tackles

bigfatdrunk — 12:20 PM

Taylor now 1-4 passing.

l4blitzer — 12:20 PM

Good, our first First Down of the day.

Matt Weston — 12:20 PM

that was a cute RPO

l4blitzer — 12:20 PM

…and a given up sack

bigfatdrunk — 12:21 PM

Amendola is a waste of a roster spot.

l4blitzer — 12:22 PM

All hail Patriots South! Do y’alls job!!!

UprootedTexan — 12:22 PM

I still can’t believe they signed Amendola.

I shouldn’t be surprised but yet somehow...

Joe Critz — 12:22 PM

It’s so funny

But hey he’s got a few receptions

The dreaded Taylor to Amendola connection

bigfatdrunk — 12:23 PM

Lindsay and D. Johnson on the field at the same time.

l4blitzer — 12:23 PM

David Johnson with a 2020 classic 2 yard run

UprootedTexan — 12:23 PM

Oh boy, David Johnson for no yards!

Matt Weston — 12:23 PM

Tytus Howard still can’t run block if you care about that sort of thing

l4blitzer — 12:24 PM

Uh, did we just make a big play?

bigfatdrunk — 12:24 PM

[Kitten]uva catch by Cooks. [Kitten].

UprootedTexan — 12:24 PM

How in the [kitten] did they pull that [kitten] off?

Carlos Flores — 12:24 PM

Cant see the game but it sounds like it’s a stink show

Joe Critz — 12:24 PM

LETS GOOOOO

bigfatdrunk — 12:24 PM

What a perfect end to that drive. *chef’s kiss

UprootedTexan — 12:24 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Matt Weston — 12:25 PM

I can’t think of anything more embarrassing than Brandin Cooks outleaping you

bigfatdrunk — 12:25 PM

Ugh, forgot that’s a forward pass.

(MARK INGRAM WITH THE TOUCHDOWN RUN. TEXANS LEAD 7-0)

Joe Critz — 12:27 PM

Touchdown!

Matt Weston — 12:27 PM

I still can’t believe 5’10” Cooks was the one to climb the ladder on a floppy Tyrod Taylor deep ball

UprootedTexan — 12:28 PM

I’ll be [kitten]ed, they got a touchdown in the first quarter.

l4blitzer — 12:28 PM

Maybe the Texans are shaking off that disappointing loss two weeks back to ruin that perfect preseason?

bigfatdrunk — 12:28 PM

Only two teams had worse DDVOA’s than the Texans last year. JAX was one of them.

UprootedTexan — 12:30 PM

So how much do you think they had to pay those guys to wear Trevor Lawrence jerseys? Because as we all know Jags fans don’t exist.

bigfatdrunk — 12:30 PM

That drive was 14 plays and 84 yards, including a 40 yard completion. WOW.

JAGS SECOND POSSESSION

UprootedTexan — 12:30 PM

Aaaaaaaaaaand they’re already in Texans territory.

Joe Critz — 12:31 PM

:(

l4blitzer — 12:31 PM

Jags radio guys going off on Slye’s “guns”…whoo boy…Madden/Summerall this ain’t

bigfatdrunk — 12:32 PM

DeAndre Hopkins doing DeAndre Hopkins things.

UprootedTexan — 12:33 PM

Nothing new there.

Matt Weston — 12:33 PM

throw the intermediate middle v. the houston texans

bigfatdrunk — 12:33 PM

Two drops end the drive.

GO FOR IT, COWARDS!

Told ya so.

l4blitzer — 12:34 PM

Lovie Smith channeling the divine intervention of the Easterby…as did the special teams.

Matt Weston — 12:34 PM

the Texans best defense are the jaguars receivers

(FIELD GOAL ATTEMPT FAILS. TEXANS LEAD 7-0)

Joe Critz — 12:34 PM

Lets goooooo

bigfatdrunk — 12:35 PM

@l4blitzer LOL!

UprootedTexan — 12:36 PM

I think if I ever get another cat I’m gonna name him Walter.

Joe Critz — 12:37 PM

Btw jalen hurts is already looking amazing

TEXANS THIRD POSSESSION

UprootedTexan — 12:37 PM

I know Jacksonville is bad but I can’t believe they’re THIS bad that we’re making them look silly.

l4blitzer — 12:38 PM

He’s bad, He’s bad!!! Pharaoh Brown!!! Baddest man in the whole [kitten]ed town…

UprootedTexan — 12:39 PM

That’s fantastic.

bigfatdrunk — 12:39 PM

Johnson one on one vs. a LB on the outside, and Taylor misses by a mile.

Matt Weston — 12:40 PM

Johnson needs to make a move to a farm upstate

l4blitzer — 12:41 PM

The Texans juggernaut can’t be stopped???

(DAVID JOHNSON TOUCHDOWN RECEPTION. TEXANS LEAD 14-0)

l4blitzer — 12:41 PM

What were the Super Bowl odds on the Texans again?

Matt Weston — 12:41 PM

rubbed to death

UprootedTexan — 12:41 PM

@Matt Weston But he can’t run, what’s he going to do on the farm?

Matt Weston — 12:41 PM

Jack has to cut that flat route off early. I’m surprised they didn’t banjo that at the goalline.

Joe Critz — 12:41 PM

Texans are good guys

You just gotta believe

UprootedTexan — 12:42 PM

They just legalized sports gambling here in Washington, I may have to make an LOL wager on the Texans.

SECOND QUARTER

Matt Weston — 12:42 PM

He can pickle beets and peaches

bigfatdrunk — 12:42 PM

“rubbed to death” <— that’s how I hope to go!

UprootedTexan — 12:42 PM

Poor, poor Mrs. BFD.

JAGS THIRD POSSESSION

l4blitzer — 12:45 PM

Murray making a play after a decent gain…he’s in midseason form

bigfatdrunk — 12:46 PM

So, the Jags have run the ball twice, both with holding penalties. Two easy drops killed their last drive.

UprootedTexan — 12:47 PM

They are what we thought we were.

And another timeout for Jacksonville.

Joe Critz — 12:49 PM

Can’t wait to see Urban Meyer pulling all his media levers to try and paint a good picture while the jags are 0-9

Matt Weston — 12:49 PM

zero awareness from Lovie Smith with that white nipple shirt

I don’t think Urban Myer has ever watched a Texans game before

UprootedTexan — 12:51 PM

Oh I think he’s fully aware.

l4blitzer — 12:52 PM

Or at least, he’s seen footage of our secondary.

Matt Weston — 12:52 PM

This is a family outfit. I don’t want these nipples on my screen!!!

l4blitzer — 12:53 PM

Jacksonville leveraging the CHUM, for good and bad

Matt Weston — 12:53 PM

throw the intermediate middle v. the houston texans

Kirksey is playing the brooks role in this defense BFD

UprootedTexan — 12:55 PM

Another holding call against JAX.

Joe Critz — 12:55 PM

Lets goooo

Matt Weston — 12:55 PM

[Durga] [kitten] I wanted Trevor Lawrence to pull a Bortles and throw one after the LOS

UprootedTexan — 12:55 PM

I think we might have swapped playbooks with the Jags somewhere last year.

Matt Weston — 12:55 PM

Running a 1x3 boss front to get Mercilus in a one v. one situation is hilarious---that wasn’t a hold

l4blitzer — 12:56 PM

Is it just me, or does the ref sound a little drunk?

UprootedTexan — 12:56 PM

My [kitten], that’s roughing the passer.

Matt Weston — 12:57 PM

yeah he hit him high

UprootedTexan — 12:57 PM

Yeah but he did it nicely.

(TOUCHDOWN JAGS. TEXANS LEAD 14-7)

Matt Weston — 12:58 PM

It’s 2020 not 2001

Joe Critz — 12:58 PM

:(

UprootedTexan — 12:58 PM

It’s 2021, Big Matt.

bigfatdrunk — 12:58 PM

TD by something called Manhertz. Uhhhhh heh ehehe ehhehe heheheheheheeheheheh.

l4blitzer — 12:58 PM

Welp, there went the shutout

Matt Weston — 12:59 PM

whatever!

Throw the intermediate middle v. the houston Texans

TEXANS FOURTH POSSESSION

UprootedTexan — 1:01 PM

Trevor Lawrence is a goofy looking bastard.

CHUM

bigfatdrunk — 1:04 PM

DHop with another TD. He might be good. Maybe we can get him for David Johnson?

UprootedTexan — 1:04 PM

Get real, nobody would be dumb enough to trade DeAndre Hopkins for David Johnson.

::looks in general area of Tuscaloosa::

Cooks is working this defense.

Now Lindsay’s getting all the carries this drive.

bigfatdrunk — 1:07 PM

Rex Burkhead is a waste of a roster spot.

(SLYE’S FIELD GOAL IS GOOD. TEXANS LEAD 17-7.)

UprootedTexan — 1:08 PM

I was trying to remember who the fourth member of the Hydraback was and I couldn’t remember it was Burkhead.

l4blitzer — 1:09 PM

Just wait until they bust out the T formation…

JAGS FOURTH POSSESSION

l4blitzer — 1:13 PM

Even the Jags commentators noting how little Mercilus does on the field

Matt Weston — 1:14 PM

there’s a good Zach Cunningham missed tackle

UprootedTexan — 1:14 PM

Between Cunningham being unable to cover and Mercilus being unable to do anything it’s a wonder we have linebackers at all.

Hargreaves is hurt.

Matt Weston — 1:15 PM

Mercilus is playing RDE and getting locked down by Cam Robinson

l4blitzer — 1:16 PM

Maybe it is the NRG mikes, but this ref sounds like he is 3/4th of the way through a fifth of Jack Daniels. But if you are on the crew that drew this one, I can understand.

bigfatdrunk — 1:16 PM

King is such a good tackler.

UprootedTexan — 1:17 PM

Ref: Delay of game. Offense. 10 yards, repeat the down.

Field Judge: It’s halftime, Dave.

(JUSTIN REID PICKS OFF TREVOR LAWRENCE. TEXANS BALL)

l4blitzer — 1:17 PM

Justin Reid, welcome back, we’ve missed you.

TEXANS FIFTH POSSESSION

Joe Critz — 1:17 PM

LETS GOOOO

Defense picking up from where it left off in the preseason!

Matt Weston — 1:18 PM

there’s some turnover regression, what an awful throw

bigfatdrunk — 1:19 PM

Missed him by a zip code.

UprootedTexan — 1:19 PM

NORM!!! I mean, KENNETH!!!

I would’ve been surprised if that DIDN’T get picked off, that was such an awful throw.

Kenneth L. — 1:19 PM

Illegal streams make me a difficult hair of the dog contributor, but consider it a blast from the past

Like I just saw the interception. How far am I behind y’all?

UprootedTexan — 1:20 PM

About a commercial break’s length

Kenneth L. — 1:20 PM

Oof

UprootedTexan — 1:21 PM

Because they just came back from commercial on my feed.

Matt Weston — 1:21 PM

I want to french kiss David Culley

UprootedTexan — 1:21 PM

Okay, I’ll bite. Why?

Also, do you want to cuddle Lovie Smith the way you did RAC?

Matt Weston — 1:22 PM

look at that tongue!!!

[Editor’s Note: Remember how he objected to Lovie Smith’s nipple shirt earlier? Go figure.]

bigfatdrunk — 1:22 PM

GO FOR IT COWARDS.

Matt Weston — 1:22 PM

Lovie is like a shark, there’s too much bone and muscle

I want to do a 3x5 workout with Lovie

bigfatdrunk — 1:22 PM

Wow, what a horrible penalty.

UprootedTexan — 1:23 PM

False start on Jon Weeks.

bigfatdrunk — 1:23 PM

That’s on us??? Shocking.

UprootedTexan — 1:23 PM

He lifted his head up.

Matt Weston — 1:23 PM

all that competition is in his head

JAGS FIFTH POSSESSION

UprootedTexan — 1:23 PM

He got overcome with That Football Feeling.

Joe Critz — 1:25 PM

Booooo

bigfatdrunk — 1:25 PM

Burrow to Chase for a long TD.

l4blitzer — 1:26 PM

That’s now how the power of the Divine Easterby is supposed to work

UprootedTexan — 1:27 PM

The power of McNair compelled him.

bigfatdrunk — 1:27 PM

Glitter Kitties killing themselves with bad penalties.

UprootedTexan — 1:28 PM

They’re stealing our bit.

l4blitzer — 1:28 PM

Vernon Hargreaves III 2021 = Deion Sanders 1994

(VERNON HARGREAVES PICKS OFF TREVOR LAWRENCE. TEXANS BALL)

(YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT)

(TEXANS SIXTH POSSESSION)

TWO MINUTE WARNING

Joe Critz — 1:30 PM

LETS GOOOOO

THEY SAID HE COULDN’T DO IT

These Texans are good????

bigfatdrunk — 1:30 PM

I don’t remember the last time I saw a team beat itself so badly as the Glitter Kitties today.

UprootedTexan — 1:31 PM

They’re playing the Jags and the Jags keep setting themselves on fire next to a gasoline depot. Let’s not throw the G word around just yet.

Kenneth L. — 1:31 PM

Wow that felt nice

Texans rocking this multi tight end formation, but mark Ingram keeps trying to cut it back. Needs to continue with the blocks and read the offense

UprootedTexan — 1:32 PM

Are you getting That Football Feeling, too Kenneth?

Kenneth L. — 1:32 PM

After the Longhorn game last night, yeah we are back

UprootedTexan — 1:34 PM

That was a [kitten] of a grab by Collins.

Joe Critz — 1:35 PM

NICO COLLINS

yeah he’s our next Hopkins

He’s got the length

The hands

The almost speedy

UprootedTexan — 1:36 PM

LOLOLOL, that lateral attempt.

bigfatdrunk — 1:36 PM

This game is one serious slapfight.

Joe Critz — 1:37 PM

Mannn Tyrod shoulda just kept it and tried to make something happen

Matt Weston — 1:37 PM

there is no next Hopkins, there is only one Hopkins

Joe Critz — 1:37 PM

I just wanna see Tyrod running around, man

(SLYE FIELD GOAL ATTEMPT IS GOOD. TEXANS LEAD 20-7)

JAGS SIXTH POSSESSION

UprootedTexan — 1:37 PM

So many empty seats.

l4blitzer — 1:39 PM

While the Texans cashed in on the turnover, the execution against this Jags team is only reinforcing the perception that this Texans team is not bound for greatness

Joe Critz — 1:39 PM

Tee Higgins

UprootedTexan — 1:39 PM

Almost got a third pick from Lawrence there.

Matt Weston — 1:40 PM

there’s still only one

bigfatdrunk — 1:40 PM

Well, if my Twitter timeline is correct - and it’s not! - the Texans are for real and all of us naysayers have been wrong the entire time. I’m sure NRG will be stuffed for the next game.

Wow, two more drops.

And Chark should have caught first down.

TEXANS SEVENTH POSSESSION

bigfatdrunk — 1:41 PM

Andre Roberts is such a good player.

UprootedTexan — 1:43 PM

I will say I’m impressed with how Tyrod has managed to avoid getting sacked so far today.

Again, huge Duval county-sized grain of salt, but still.

bigfatdrunk — 1:44 PM

LOLOLOLOL!

Matt Weston — 1:45 PM

Yeah, he’s slipped around well so far

hahaha [Durga] [kitten]

TYGOD

Joe Critz — 1:45 PM

OH MY [DURGA]

TYROD TAYLOR

Hajdjska

l4blitzer — 1:46 PM

Is The Urbz trying to sandbag us or somethin’? Poorly executed 1 min offense, and then allowing us to get huge play?

Joe Critz — 1:46 PM

I need Taylor to please not be hurt

Matt Weston — 1:46 PM

[kitten]ing danny amendola

(TAYLOR TO AMENDOLA TOUCHDOWN. TEXANS LEAD 27-7)

Joe Critz — 1:47 PM

LETS GOOOO

THE TAYLOR TO AMENDOLA CONNECTION

bigfatdrunk — 1:47 PM

Amendola is a waste of a roster spot.

Joe Critz — 1:48 PM

Taylor is a pro bowler if he stays healthy calling it right now

UprootedTexan — 1:48 PM

::noting this for the record::

HALFTIME REACTIONS

Kenneth L. — 1:48 PM

I NEVER DOUBTED THIS TEAM FOR ONE SECOND

Matt Weston — 1:49 PM

psilocybin Joe

Joe Critz — 1:49 PM

Absolutely fantastic, I’m so happy I just embraced this team after Tyrod and the preseason excitement. They look actually good

Matt Weston — 1:49 PM

I’d rather have Keke Coutee because of potential, but Amendola has been perfectly fine this game

Carlos Flores — 1:49 PM

Haven’t seen the game but the score is indicating that Trevor Lawrence is having trouble adjusting to the NFL. Stoked to see Tyrod putting up points!

Joe Critz — 1:50 PM

Every part of this team is playing well above expectations

Matt Weston — 1:51 PM

God hates the Jags. This is the worst coached team I’ve seen in a long long long time. The Texans veteran squad will beat teams just by doing der job. No matter what’s going on, the Texans will always beat the Jags.

l4blitzer — 1:55 PM

Great for the Texans, but this an indictment of Urban Meyer if I’ve ever seen one. Yes, his first NFL game, but he is championship coach. He should know better by far. The Jags were undisciplined and doing Lawrence no favors. At least the Texans are smart enough to follow the adage that if a foe is digging a hole, best not to interfere.

UprootedTexan — 1:57 PM

I’m not getting too excited because, again, they are playing the Jags, but that aside, they are playing way better than I expected them to.

bigfatdrunk — 1:59 PM

Two picks, five drops, 7/53 on penalties, and terrible defense. The Glitter Kitties are killing themselves and look like an expansion team under Urban Meyer.

THIRD QUARTER

JAGS SEVENTH POSSESSION

Carlos Flores — 2:03 PM

Let’s see if Urban can make some

adjustments

UprootedTexan — 2:04 PM

Who’s injured?

Oh [kitten], it’s Justin Reid.

Joe Critz — 2:05 PM

NOOOOO

TEXANS EIGHTH POSSESSION

l4blitzer — 2:09 PM

Are we looking at dueling CHUMs to start the 3rd?

Joe Critz — 2:10 PM

I wouldn’t mind

UprootedTexan — 2:10 PM

Sure looks like it.

Joe Critz — 2:10 PM

It’s chew clock time

UprootedTexan — 2:10 PM

Nico Collins with the nice catch there.

Joe? Bill O’Brien is gone now. This is NOT chew the clock time.

GO FOR IT, [KITTEN] YOU!

bigfatdrunk — 2:12 PM

GO FOR IT YOU COWARDS sigh.

JAGS EIGHTH POSSESSION

Joe Critz — 2:16 PM

When ur this good the whole second half is chew clock time

Is it possible for us to steal Tyler Huntley front the ravens

UprootedTexan — 2:16 PM

[Durga] I’m worried about you.

Joe Critz — 2:16 PM

He’d be a perfect backup for Tyrod

Matt Weston — 2:16 PM

The Jags need to fix their culture. They could really use Jack Easterby.

Joe Critz — 2:17 PM

I’m just afraid for when Tyrod inevitably gets hurt, the offense is gonna have to radically change for Davis Mills

UprootedTexan — 2:17 PM

Yes, brother Matt, he needs to spread the good word of Texans football to the unbelievers of Duval County.

Joe Critz — 2:17 PM

We need someone behind Tyrod that can play in a system like Tyrod’s in case this offense is actually consistently good

The Houston to Jacksonville crusade

bigfatdrunk — 2:21 PM

I think Easterby for Shenault is a more than fair trade.

TEXANS NINTH POSSESSION

UprootedTexan — 2:21 PM

Wasted time out. THIS is the Texans team I’m used to.

Just got my first drink of the season.

Joe Critz — 2:22 PM

Hahaha

This is a good drink!

Victory drink!

bigfatdrunk — 2:22 PM

DJ Chark has one catch on six targets. Yikes.

UprootedTexan — 2:23 PM

That’s bad? That sounds bad.

Matt Weston — 2:23 PM

I think he has 2 drops too

UprootedTexan — 2:24 PM

First time I’ve had bourbon.

l4blitzer — 2:24 PM

Now we see the methodical matriculating the ball down the field that the team has so wanted to do.

We need MOAR Pharaoh Brown please.

UprootedTexan — 2:25 PM

I’ve always liked Mark Ingram. I don’t know why but I’ve always liked watching him play.

l4blitzer — 2:25 PM

BO’B still has nightmares about what he did to the Texans the last two matchups with the Ravens

Matt Weston — 2:26 PM

the Texans are going to be in first place in the AFC South today

UprootedTexan — 2:26 PM

HOLY [KITTEN] PHARAOH BROWN

Joe Critz — 2:27 PM

LETS GOOOOO

l4blitzer — 2:27 PM

…baddest man in the whole [kitten]ed town

(PHILIP LINDSAY TOUCHDOWN RUN. TEXANS LEAD 34-7)

Matt Weston — 2:27 PM

I really have no idea how Andrew Wingard is playing this many snaps

Joe Critz — 2:27 PM

Okay yeah these Texans are definitely not bad

You don’t beat up on another NFL team this bad unless you’re pretty good

This is a college score

UprootedTexan — 2:28 PM

I really do not know what to make of these Texans. I don’t want to get too up on them.

bigfatdrunk — 2:28 PM

No, Joe. This is still a 3-14 quality team.

Joe Critz — 2:28 PM

We should honestly have the backups in the entire 4th quarter

l4blitzer — 2:29 PM

Embarrassing Urban Meyer like this is the highlight of the day, no matter what the rest of the season holds

JAGS NINTH POSSESSION

Carlos Flores — 2:31 PM

Texans to the super bowl?

l4blitzer — 2:31 PM

Honestly, just heard the Jags’ commentators make the first mention of Deshaun Watson today…didn’t peg that it would take this long.

UprootedTexan — 2:32 PM

[Kitten], I think CBS didn’t even bring it up until the second half.

Yuck.

(JAGS TOUCHDOWN. TEXANS LEAD 34-14)

Joe Critz — 2:33 PM

James Robinson has only felt the thrill of victory one time in the NFL

His very first game and that’s it

Carlos Flores — 2:34 PM

There’s the Trevor Lawrence I was expecting

bigfatdrunk — 2:34 PM

That was a pretty ball.

Joe Critz — 2:34 PM

That was

Very Tyrod like

l4blitzer — 2:34 PM

After all this praise talk, we then come to realize that we have this secondary…

bigfatdrunk — 2:34 PM

Agree on embarrassing Meyer. Kitten that guy.

TEXANS TENTH POSSESSION

Carlos Flores — 2:37 PM

100 yards rushing, we win!

UprootedTexan — 2:37 PM

Oh dear.

JAGS TENTH POSSESSION

Joe Critz — 2:38 PM

:(

Carlos Flores — 2:38 PM

What happened?

bigfatdrunk — 2:39 PM

The rushing comes out to a 30/109 slash line, or 3.6 ypc.

Joe Critz — 2:39 PM

3 and out

l4blitzer — 2:39 PM

Hargreaves got lucky on that miss

FOURTH QUARTER

UprootedTexan — 2:40 PM

Gettin’ the ball back.

Joe Critz — 2:43 PM

I need Tyrod to get 450 yards passing at some point this year to win a bet with a friend and get a jersey

bigfatdrunk — 2:43 PM

Why aren’t they going for it? So stupid.

UprootedTexan — 2:43 PM

On their own 30?

TEXANS ELEVENTH POSSESSION

bigfatdrunk — 2:43 PM

Yes.

Now or never.

l4blitzer — 2:44 PM

The Urbz doesn’t know what to do here…I have no complaints.

UprootedTexan — 2:44 PM

I guess he just doesn’t think it’s THAT urgent yet. He’s probably wrong, but still.

Urban is probably still confused why the clock keeps running even when they get a first downs.

bigfatdrunk — 2:45 PM

The ball was on the ground when he committed the penalty. Weird.

UprootedTexan — 2:46 PM

I don’t know what that was but don’t never do it again.

Rumble, young man, rumble.

Joe Critz — 2:46 PM

Hahaha

Tyrod the [Durga]

l4blitzer — 2:48 PM

If the team is not waiting until like 01-03 on the clock to snap, they are wrong.

(SLYE FIELD GOAL ATTEMPT IS GOOD. TEXANS LEAD 37-14)

l4blitzer — 2:50 PM

GLORY TO ALL SLYE OFFENSE???

JAGS ELEVENTH POSSESSION

UprootedTexan — 2:52 PM

Yeah, Ka’imi can take as long as he needs to get back.

Great job covering, y’all.

bigfatdrunk — 2:55 PM

Definitely seeing the Texans are Super Bowl bound (not ironically!) on my timeline. People are going to be very, very disappointed.

l4blitzer — 2:57 PM

Haven’t won a season opener since 2016 and the dawn of [UNPERSON], so you have to find something good, I guess.

bigfatdrunk — 2:58 PM

Oh, I get that, of course. I get the optimism! I just try to stay realistic.

It’s like UT winning last weekend.

UprootedTexan — 2:58 PM

All I do is win win win no matter what what what

Matt Weston — 2:58 PM

Today is fun. There will be plenty of games against real NFL teams.

bigfatdrunk — 2:59 PM

What’s crazy to me is how inaccurate Lawrence has been.

Matt Weston — 2:59 PM

Dropping Roy Lopez in coverage to own the losers

He’s just been high when he’s been throwing off balance.

UprootedTexan — 3:00 PM

It has to be jitters, right? I mean he hasn’t been this inaccurate through all of college and I can’t think what would cause him to be less accurate.

l4blitzer — 3:00 PM

Jags announcers “You don’t plan to be down 20.” True, but if the Urbz had planned better, they wouldn’t be down like this

For Lawrence, perhaps, but those early drops didn’t help to instill confidence, which makes it harder for a rookie in his first start.

bigfatdrunk — 3:02 PM

Not a lot of easy throws to start, either. No screens. Lots of slants available against Cover 2.

(LAWRENCE PICKED OFF BY KIRKSEY. TEXANS BALL)

UprootedTexan — 3:02 PM

LOLOLOLOLOL, what the [kitten] was that?

bigfatdrunk — 3:03 PM

Jeebus. Missed another by a zip code for a pick.

Matt Weston — 3:03 PM

There’s been plenty of open throws. They just dropped a down of balls. Slants are tough to throw v. cover two.

TEXANS TWELFTH POSSESSION

UprootedTexan — 3:03 PM

What in the literal [kitten] was that throw by Lawrence?

l4blitzer — 3:04 PM

For the Texans, nothing but CHUMs and time-killing to end this.

UprootedTexan — 3:04 PM

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Matt Weston — 3:04 PM

The Texans have as many picks in 2020, as they do in this game

bigfatdrunk — 3:05 PM

And every one of them was easy.

l4blitzer — 3:05 PM

FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!! Best hitting by Jacksonville all game.

UprootedTexan — 3:06 PM

Urban: What the [kitten]?! How is that targeting!?

Asst. Coach: There is no targeting here coach.

l4blitzer — 3:07 PM

[Kitten]…this ref just finished the second fifth of Jack and is now on his 3rd hit of some hallucinogenic substance.

bigfatdrunk — 3:07 PM

Sounds like he has a speech issue.

UprootedTexan — 3:08 PM

I can’t blame them for getting snippy, if I were down by three touchdowns to the Texans I’d be pissed too.

JAGS TWELFTH POSSESSION

l4blitzer — 3:08 PM

Again, could be the stadium audio, but the ref doesn’t sound like he is fully in this game

Joe Critz — 3:09 PM

Lets eat this gigantic, Texas sized W

bigfatdrunk — 3:10 PM

After doing nothing all game, there’s Mercilus.

l4blitzer — 3:11 PM

He gets the sack??? Now we are just trolling Meyer…I have no complaints

UprootedTexan — 3:11 PM

Falling [kitten] backwards into a sack.

bigfatdrunk — 3:11 PM

Lawrence dropped back too far and killed his blocking angle.

Matt Weston — 3:11 PM

A whitney mercilus sack is the corn on the top of this turd

UprootedTexan — 3:12 PM

That’s a surrender punt.

TEXANS THIRTEENTH POSSESSION

bigfatdrunk — 3:12 PM

Yup.

UprootedTexan — 3:12 PM

Gentlemen, your AFC South leading Houston Texans.

STOP THE SEASON!!!

bigfatdrunk — 3:13 PM

Also, this is precisely why I wanted Tyrod after 2013. I wanted him badly.

JAGS THIRTEENTH POSSESSION

l4blitzer — 3:19 PM

Jags commentators obliterating the coaching staff, and rightfully so for this loss.

(JAGS SCORE GARBAGE TOUCHDOWN. TEXANS LEAD 34-21)

FINAL SCORE: TEXANS 37 - JAGS 21

POSTGAME REACTIONS

Joe Critz — 3:30 PM

Awesome game. Texans completely blew away my expectations and are looking like they’re only gonna build on those preseason highs. The run game and Taylor both looked good enough to make me happy

l4blitzer — 3:30 PM

No 0-17 from Houston…sorry folks.

Matt Weston — 3:30 PM

Everyday is a gift and today was a box of puppies

GAME BALLS

Offense - Tyrod Taylor. Taylor was really impressive in the backfield, avoiding sacks and pushing the ball downfield. It was a great game for the journeyman quarterback.

Defense - I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Vernon Hargreaves III got a couple of picks today, and that is good for a game ball. Yes, I’m as shocked as you are.

Well that’s this week’s Dog. If you have thoughts or questions or suggestions, go ahead and drop them in the comments.