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Totally Not Fake News: One Down, 16 More to Go

The more things change...well, actually, Houston beating Jacksonville at home, that really doesn’t change all that much.

Jacksonville Jaguars v Houston Texans
All full-time Texans head coaches that won their first regular season games with the team take one step forward...not so fast there Kubiak!
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Houston, TX – Coming into the season, the Houston Texans did not have a lot of folks picking them to do well. Talk of 0-17 and being among the worst teams of all time circulated around the team. The squad even found themselves a three point underdog to Jacksonville, something that had not happened for years. The Texans were facing the #1 pick in the 2021 NFL NFL draft (and only championship winning QB from Clemson involved in this matchup that anyone should care about) and a coach who brought in a lifetime winning percentage north of .850 and 3 national championships from college.

As a result, it was absolutely no surprise to anyone who follows the Texans, Jaguars, NFL football, or any aspect of American sports/cultural life that the Texans annihilated the Jaguars 37-21. The defense, led by Defensive Player of the Year candidate Vernon Hargreaves III, forced 3 interceptions and held the Jags in check until the game was all but won. The Texans, led by the only QB on the roster with starting playoff experience that you care about…the only one, absolutely it…nearly put up 300 yards in the air.

Jacksonville Jaguars v Houston Texans
Yawn...just another day putting up nearly 340 yards of total offense.
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

“We really didn’t have to do all that much, honestly,” possibly noted the Texans leading rusher Mark Ingram. “They [Jacksonville] just made it so easy for us. All of those drops in the first quarter on easy passes, all of those penalties. Shoot, the two timeouts used before the end of the first quarter and the severe derpitude of their final drive before the first half offered some real entertainment. Admittedly, we were a little scared at first. We knew about [Urban] Meyer’s reputation. We were worried that he was lulling us into a false sense of security, some sort of 11-degree level of Sun Tzu Art-of-War strategic trap or something. But when we realized that he just sucked, well, it made it that much easier.”

“Oh, you thought I only terrorized Davis Mills? Oh, ye of little faith,” probably boasted a very haughty Vernon Hargreaves III. “Everyone saying ‘Davis Mills Sucks!!!’ just because Justin Reid and I had a contest to see who could get the most picks of that Stanford kid in camp is not true. Well, against me, he does suck, but then you saw what I did against that guy with the hair. That is only the beginning. Given that I am on pace for the NFL single-season record of 17 interceptions this season, you too, like some others in this organization, will be comparing me to that dude, what’s name…Sanders. Deion, yeah, that was the first name. Anyway, I am just updating my official first name from Vernon to “2021 Defensive Player of the Year” Vernon Hargreaves III.

[Editor’s Note: When we ran this passage by Vernon Hargreaves III, he and his representatives indicated that we needed to make the following corrections:

1) It was not that we [the media] would be comparing Hargreaves to Sanders, but that we would be comparing Sanders to Hargreaves.

2) We needed to update that change in his official first name from “2021 Defensive Player of the Year” to “2021 Defensive Player of the Year AND NFL MVP”, thus, any and all future correspondence shall read as follows “2021 Defensive Player of the Year and NFL MVP Vernon Hargreaves III.”]

Jacksonville Jaguars v Houston Texans
When you say the name “2021 Defensive Player of the Year and NFL MVP Vernon Hargreaves III” you say it with all the pride and reverence it deserves.
Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

“Sounds great, Mr. Vernon Hargreaves the Third, Sir! Oh, sorry, I mean Mr. 2021 Defensive Player of the Year Vernon Hargreaves the Third, Sir” noted Davis Mills, who was just completing his morning ritual of bringing the defensive back his daily breakfast ration of Starbuck’s coffee, Shipley’s donuts, fresh Beluga Caviar harvested from sturgeons grown in the Caspian Sea and freshly ironed editions of the Houston Chronicle, the Wall Street Journal and of course, (a printed out copy of) Totally Not Fake News.

[Editor’s Note: We assess that Davis Mills is updating this address of Hargreaves as we speak to account for the new “official” first name.]

From the vanquished sidelines, we at Totally Not Fake News received absolutely credible reporting that Urban Meyer may still be adjusting to the rigors of the NFL game. In particular, Meyer seemed flummoxed by the fact that the clock did not stop after every first down; that he was playing teams that also had talent and that he could not open with an FCS team to start the season. He reportedly had a heated discussion with Jags owner Shahid Khan about the game scheduling, at least until Khan told him to shut up and get out of his office. We think that Khan is still mad at Meyer not doing a better sales job of getting former TE Tim Tebow into his AEW organization.

Cleveland Browns v Jacksonville Jaguars
Can you just hear Jim Ross making the call: “By Gawd! Tim Tebow unleashing the Holy Spirit on Chris Jericho. Folks, Tebow is putting him in the Tebow knee bend, and that move is as tough as a two dollar steak!!!”
Photo by Don Juan Moore/Getty Images

However, the fortunes of once-and-future college coaches, wrestling promoters and hair endorsements are in the past. The Texans now look to build upon their initial success as they get ready to face the Cleveland Browns. “Can’t overlook anyone” noted undefeated head coach David Culley. “They are coming off a tough loss at Kansas City, on the heels of that previous loss in Kansas City. They have yet to win. We have yet to lose. Still, you can’t overlook anyone, even Cleveland. Maybe they don’t have our record or position of leading a NFL division, but it is when you overlook your opponents, don’t take them seriously, that’s when you get burned.”

While the team prepares for its journey to Cleveland, there will continue to be various personnel moves that most fans won’t care about. We expect Nick Caserio to comb the NFL desert to find personnel to fill the various vacancies due to injury, poor play and/or insufficient dedication to the mandatory Bible Studies of the Easterby. Probably another cornerback or ex-Patriot WR of some sort, as that’s Caserio’s latest fetish. However, there is also a chance he could revert to form and pick up a linebacker or running back.

As the team starts the slog through the 2021 NFL season, you can expect Totally Not Fake News to continue to follow the fortunes of the Texans. We might even offer some insight to one of those personnel moves we talked about earlier…if we feel like it.