Hair of the Dog - Panthers/Texans: Week Three

Soooooooooooooooooooo, that was far less painful for me than it was for pretty much most anybody else. I don’t know why. I assume it had something to do with the half bottle of gin I downed during the course of the game.

As such, I am probably not a great pundit right now, as I have to write this immediately after the game. Typically I give myself a few hours to collect myself (and play Fire Emblem) before coming up with a coherent statement about the Texans game.

As it is, this is all I have to offer right now: This is pretty much what I expected, bad offense, worse defense. But it was so much easier to accept because of Aviation gin (not an ad).

So if you want to watch Texans football and not feel pit-of-your-stomach awful about it, I strong advise drinking before and during the game*.

*PLEASE DO NOT TAKE LIFESTYLE ADVICE FROM A FOOTBALL BLOG WRITER. DRINKING IS BAD FOR YOU. YOU SHOULDN’T DO IT, AND FRANKLY NEITHER SHOULD I.

I’m just glad nobody else was killed by this defense.

Let’s get on to this week’s dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make the thread safe to read at work. Promise.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION

Matt_Robinson — Today at 5:34 PM

The more I watch the Panthers Defense the more entranced I become. Shaq Thompson leveled up out of nowhere

Carlos Flores — Today at 5:52 PM

Haason Reddick is going to provide some serious pressure tonight.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 5:44 PM

We should get battle pay from Herr Bloggenfuhrer for watching this game. [kitten], this season. [kitten], next season, too.

l4blitzer — Today at 5:45 PM

Probably should be tax-free given the severity of what we face this season

bigfatdrunk — Today at 6:29 PM

Opened a beer. I have some good hwisky for later.

Carlos Flores — Today at 6:30 PM

Ok, so can we all agree that Pluckers is overrated? Their wings are huge, but that’s about it.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 6:32 PM

The only place where I can eat wings these days is Billy’s on Burnet here on Austin. They take the time to cook the wings correctly. Everywhere else just flat out sucks. Oh, well, Hoover’s on Manor does a great job, too. Don’t want to forget them.

Matt_Robinson — Today at 6:34 PM

The fried Pickles are noteworthy there IMO

Carlos Flores — Today at 6:35 PM

Those are hard to pull off! I do wish that their blue cheese was THICC.

UprootedTexan — Today at 6:41 PM

Okay I’m done with work, I’ve got the wooden spoon betwixt my teeth and a bottle of gin at the ready. Let’s [kitten]ing go.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 6:42 PM

Who pitches Aviation?

Carlos Flores — Today at 6:42 PM

High Jackman would be proud!

UprootedTexan — Today at 6:42 PM

Ryan Reynolds.

Carlos Flores — Today at 6:42 PM

Shoot, it is!

UprootedTexan — Today at 6:42 PM

I think he even owns it.

Carlos Flores — Today at 6:42 PM

Dude just doesn’t miss.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 6:45 PM

Well, y’all, I’m not high on our chances to win tonight, I do think we’ll out-culture the Panthers, though, and that’s all that matters at the end of the day.

UprootedTexan — Today at 6:49 PM

You know what they say, culture is downstream from...winning, I guess?

So Carolina has a Sam Darnold and Dan Arnold and now I know WHY the Panthers signed Sam Darnold.

There is no way I’m not going to [kitten] up and go full Uma/Oprah on those two players.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 6:55 PM

Sam Darnold is a turnover machine while Dan Arnold is a TE. U R WELCOME.

UprootedTexan — Today at 6:57 PM

Sigh...shot of the Motherland.

Matt_Robinson — Today at 7:04 PM

Only optimistic take I can have is that Thursday’s can be low scoring and Darnold still makes bozo mistakes

l4blitzer — Today at 7:07 PM

…or we get the power of the Divine Easterby, Maybe then we have a chance…

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:09 PM

I think, if there is a [Durga], she’d be pretty upset that Easterby represents her.

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:10 PM

I think the fact that Easterby can claim to be represented by [Durga] is proof that he/she doesn’t exist.

Because he has yet to be struck by lightning.

Matt_Robinson — Today at 7:11 PM

I’m just glad for whatever form of divinity that told him stand up was no longer the way

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:12 PM

So tonight I am drinking a gin lime rickey.

l4blitzer — Today at 7:12 PM

Unless Easterby is an instrument of punishment from the Higher Power…sort of a low-rent angel of minor pain.

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:14 PM

Then who is being punished? Most of those who are suffering are those who have done nothing to deserve it.

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:15 PM

Jack and Coke is on the way!

l4blitzer — Today at 7:15 PM

That seems like quite the deep moral question…will need more Jack Daniels before I can take this further.

To the surprise of no one, the glorious NFL Pre-Game folks all go with Carolina.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:17 PM

They don’t understand the importance culture has in football. Easterby had all sorts of motivational posters up in the locker room!

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:17 PM

That reminds me, have you ever seen those motivational posters from Despair dot com?

(not an ad)

l4blitzer — Today at 7:18 PM

Classic office artwork right there

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:19 PM

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:19 PM

LOL!

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:20 PM

l4blitzer — Today at 7:22 PM

I’ve often wondered why we don’t hear about Joe Buck getting ripped for his football play-by-play as he does for his baseball? For baseball, everyone despises him, but football, it seems more “meh?”

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:22 PM

No, I despise him. Actively.

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:22 PM

Gird y’all’s loins folks.

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:22 PM

Idk man, I’ve hated Joe Buck as hard as I physically can.

FIRST QUARTER

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:22 PM

I think you’re just not hearing the right sources because I see criticism of his football calling frequently.

(PANTHERS FIRST POSSESSION)

l4blitzer — Today at 7:23 PM

This is entirely possible…not that I actively seek out coverage on Joe Buck

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:23 PM

Panthers OC is 32 years old, [kitten] you Joe Brady.

l4blitzer — Today at 7:24 PM

Murray did something…kind of

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:24 PM

I fo’ realz have a tshirt that is 32 years old.

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:24 PM

Oh [kitten] I forgot Eric Murray even existed to this point.

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:24 PM

Not a bad pass breakup!

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:25 PM

The gin must be hitting already, did Hargreaves do a thing?

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:25 PM

How are you so far ahead of me??? I am watching off the antenna.

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:25 PM

Good lord, surprised Hargreaves wasn’t called for all that contact.

l4blitzer — Today at 7:25 PM

I think the 2021 DPOY and NFL MVP Vernon Hargreaves III got away with one…a superstar call

(TEXANS FIRST POSSESSION)

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:26 PM

Wow, that was totally DPI.

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:26 PM

Here comes dat boi

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:26 PM

That...wasn’t bad.

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:26 PM

If there’s one person to play for your fantasy teams from the Texans, it’s Cooks.

l4blitzer — Today at 7:26 PM

Pharaoh Brown will only truck people when he has the ball

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:27 PM

And I take it back.

And that flat out sucked.

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:28 PM

The Panthers defense are definitely here to eat

(PANTHERS SECOND POSSESSION)

l4blitzer — Today at 7:28 PM

Good punt coverage at least

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:28 PM

Where the hell did they dig Martin Gramatica up from?

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:29 PM

Who?

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:29 PM

Exactly.

The Bucs kicker from like 20 years ago. He’s doing ads for Draft Kings.

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:31 PM

When you say 20 years ago my mind goes to the creamsicle team pulled off the street, but 20 years ago is 2001. Is this what it’s like getting old?

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:31 PM

It gets worse.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:31 PM

No. It’s when your calves cramp whenever you try to do something.

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:31 PM

Of course I don’t have as much experience in it as BFD does, I’m only creeping up on 40.

l4blitzer — Today at 7:31 PM

I see our run defense is picking up right where it left off from last week (edited)

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:32 PM

It’s so nice to not see Whitney Mercilus’ corpse out there.

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:32 PM

True, but we have to balance that with having to see whatever the [kitten] Eric Murray is in the secondary.

l4blitzer — Today at 7:33 PM

We’re getting the quotes on David Culley for filler? The NFL must have really been struggling for something to talk about with this game (edited)

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:33 PM

WE HAVE SO MUCH CULTURE OMG HOW CAN WE EVER LOSE!!?!?!?!!?!?

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:34 PM

I think it’s less that than the rest of America asking the same questions we did when he was hired. “WHO THE [KITTEN] IS DAVID CULLEY?”

l4blitzer — Today at 7:35 PM

…and our pass defense is reverting to usual form

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:35 PM

I started DJ Moore so I’m happy with this result

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:35 PM

I started drinking, so I am too.

In fact, I’m starting to feel a little fluffy.

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:37 PM

Aviation airlines express first class ticket, destination: UT.

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:37 PM

I keep wanting to call Chuba Hubbard “Hubba Chubba”

l4blitzer — Today at 7:37 PM

Hey, this DJ Moore fella is kinda good, let’s give him a huge cushion up the middle…

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:37 PM

Aviation take me awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay....

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:38 PM

Mono Man for the keeper TD

(Panthers TD, Panthers lead 7-0)

l4blitzer — Today at 7:38 PM

He ain’t had that easy an offensive series since he was at USC

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:39 PM

Zach Cunningham is so out of his element in a Cover-2. It’s awful.

That’s a crowd of hundreds at the game. Freaking embarrassing.

l4blitzer — Today at 7:41 PM

The Easterby sermons are only on Sundays, so the big draw for the Texans is a no-go tonight. Probably hurt some ticket sales

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:41 PM

Well, you know they’re only letting a certain number of fans in because of CO—wait, they’ve lifted that?

LOLOLOLOLOLOL, this is hilarious.

Matt Weston — Today at 7:41 PM

7 points feels insurmountable already

(TEXANS SECOND POSSESSION)

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:42 PM

TYGOD just idly standing by.

Only positive vibes.

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:42 PM

[Ed. Note: this had a reference to Deshaun Watson that does not reflect how I really feel upon sober retrospection.]

LOL, my feet just went numb.

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:42 PM

I bet in his mind he’s thinking “damn, I’m glad the scrub is taking those hits for me”

l4blitzer — Today at 7:43 PM

Does someone need to sacrifice a live chicken or three to lift the curse that seems to be on Taylor?

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:43 PM

Well that’s clearly coming back.

l4blitzer — Today at 7:44 PM

Nice throw

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:45 PM

Anthony Miller HE IS RISEN!!!

Good run, Run of the Mills.

l4blitzer — Today at 7:46 PM

Yeah…probably don’t want to make that a regular thing

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:46 PM

Good pocket maneuvering, but nowhere to go.

(PANTHERS THIRD POSSESSION)

Matt Weston — Today at 7:46 PM

BUT HE RUNS A 4.6 hahahahahahahaha

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:47 PM

He would’ve been a first round pick next year if he stayed at Stanford. I have reliable sources telling me so.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:47 PM

CAR rushed four on that 3rd down. That was pathetic.

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:48 PM

I saw people rallying around a quote from his pops saying that “if you stick with him, he’ll do good by you”. I don’t have an issue with it, but it’s his dad. What is he going to do, say he isn’t it? LMAO

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:49 PM

“Look, I know y’all invested serious draft capital in my kid, but he’s a complete [kitten]up and y’all wasted that pick. LOL, u suck.” —Run Of The Mills’ Dad

(probably)

God I love this secondary. It makes me feel like I’m not nearly the [kitten]up I really am.

l4blitzer — Today at 7:50 PM

See, it’s that positive culture of the Texans rubbing off on you

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:51 PM

Am...am I an optimist? I’ve never been an optimist before. It makes me uncomfortable.

l4blitzer — Today at 7:52 PM

Ah Murray…living down to your rep again (edited)

Carlos Flores — Today at 7:52 PM

Overheard at wing joint: “I wonder if Mills keeps playing bad, they’ll put Watson in!”. [Durga], I hate these fans sometimes.

SECOND QUARTER

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:54 PM

@Carlos: That’s freaking hilarious. Tell me you don’t know how football works without saying you don’t know how football works.

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:55 PM

Current poster status:

I kind of want to start a rumor about Jack Easterby that’ll ruin his life. Anyone want to join me?

l4blitzer — Today at 7:56 PM

If he survived all those SI.com articles, that may be quite the challenge.

UprootedTexan — Today at 7:57 PM

Jack Easterby was Jerry Sandusky’s aide.

LOLOLOLOL, no defender within 30 yards of him.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 7:59 PM

I love how they keep saying Darnold throws better on the run. In college, he was terribly inaccurate out of the pocket, something like 40% completion, IIRC.

l4blitzer — Today at 7:59 PM

Ya know, I don’t coach DBs for a living, but a massive cushion in the middle of the field for a receiver like DJ Moore may not be a good strategy.

Matt_Robinson — Today at 7:59 PM

It’s honestly funny to watch Lonnie Johnson at safety

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:00 PM

Jack Easterby has child porn on his computer.

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:00 PM

What a terrible throw by Darnold.

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:00 PM

I laughed.

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:01 PM

He’s got knuckle head face on, I can palpably feel the big play Vernon INT

Matt Weston — Today at 8:01 PM

Darnold has been pretty good this year. The offense has made it easy for him. He’s no Teddy, but still.

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:02 PM

Well who could be Teddy Bridgewater?

l4blitzer — Today at 8:02 PM

“Houston needs to play tighter coverage” right before Houston gave up a 12 yard completion with an 11 yard cushion

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:02 PM

THEY STOPPED HIM!!!!

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:02 PM

GO FOR IT, YOU COWARDS.

(TEXANS THIRD POSSESSION)

l4blitzer — Today at 8:03 PM

I think they did…remarkable

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:03 PM

Wow, what a terrible play call.

Matt Weston — Today at 8:03 PM

Great call. The worst thing that happens is you have Davis Mills handing the ball off from his own endzone.

I wish they just kept it ran and the arc again.

l4blitzer — Today at 8:04 PM

Well, they are going against our run D, so it was definitely the high percentage play

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:04 PM

Did BOB call that fourth down play?

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:05 PM

DJ Moore is already at 100 yards receiving. The spirit of TY Hilton is strong with this one.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:05 PM

It was a slow developing handoff.

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:05 PM

Nice square up from Kirksey on that stop

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:06 PM

Free play.

Someone’s injured, just based on Joe Buck trying to build up suspense there.

Christian McCaffrey is injured!

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:06 PM

Stashing Hubbard paid off

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:07 PM

Boo! Nerd!

Hail Hydraback!

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:08 PM

Tim just sent a pic, and there are a metric [kitten]ton of empty seats.

Joe Critz — Today at 8:08 PM

What if the Texans are good

l4blitzer — Today at 8:08 PM

You may not have to worry about that tonight

Joe Critz — Today at 8:08 PM

Davis mills Herbert 2.0?

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:09 PM

Now with 20% more neck

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:09 PM

Brown just went phagocyte on Lindsay.

Joe Critz — Today at 8:09 PM

Tyrod gets hurt and the long necked qb takes his job two times in a row?

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:09 PM

What if the Texans are what now?

Can we see? I mean we can see on the broadcast but can we see the picture?

Ooooooh, new Ted Lasso is out!

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:10 PM

Davis Mills is #TEAMKEENUM 2.0.

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:10 PM

And he doesn’t even have the decency of being from the University of Houston, too.

l4blitzer — Today at 8:10 PM

ALL HAIL THE OFFSIDE OFFENSE!!!

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:10 PM

lololololol

Where the [kitten] was that ball going?

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:11 PM

Three offsides calls for CAR? That’s crazy.

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:11 PM

Glory to all penalty offense!

Joe Critz — Today at 8:11 PM

Top of the morning

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:11 PM

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:11 PM

Goodness, the Panthers are keeping us in with just penalties

l4blitzer — Today at 8:11 PM

Agree with Aikman…good block by Ingram

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:11 PM

Sick Kendrick reference

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:11 PM

CHUM! CHUM! CHUM! CHUM! CHUM! CHUM!

Joe Critz — Today at 8:11 PM

I don’t even care if the Texans suck tonight Nintendo direct made my day

The Texans cannot sadden me today

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:12 PM

What happened?

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:12 PM

How many yards have the Texans actually gained on this drive?

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:12 PM

Why, what did Nintendo announce other than Chris Pratt being the voice of Mario in a new Nintendo movie?

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:12 PM

Lots of good announcements!

l4blitzer — Today at 8:12 PM

Sans penalties?

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:12 PM

Si.

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:12 PM

4

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:12 PM

Oh no Phillip….

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:13 PM

How the [kitten] can a center false st—oh wait it’s Justin Britt, never mind.

Joe Critz — Today at 8:13 PM

New Kirby new Metroid very excited

Booooo

Let king Davis throw!

l4blitzer — Today at 8:14 PM

If we aren’t going to throw, then line up in the wishbone/single wing and just ride it out.

(PANTHERS FOURTH POSSESSION)

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:14 PM

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Matt Weston — Today at 8:14 PM

#LETMILLSCOOK

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:14 PM

The million dollar man of 3rd down backs David Johnson delivering the goods. And by goods I mean notifying the punt team to come out

Joe Critz — Today at 8:17 PM

GREENARD!!!!

l4blitzer — Today at 8:17 PM

Almost Texans…almost

Joe Critz — Today at 8:17 PM

The pro bowler

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:17 PM

Greenard sighting!

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:18 PM

Sam Darnold: Turnover Machine. Almost.

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:18 PM

Bro Darnold wasn’t even glancing his way lmao

Matt Weston — Today at 8:18 PM

There’s that little bit of Darnold stink.

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:18 PM

Of course we’re the only team that can’t capitalize on Sam Darnold’s incompetence.

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:19 PM

Hubbard stumbled for like 10 yards

(TEXANS FOURTH POSSESSION)

Matt Weston — Today at 8:19 PM

Sam Darnold has been pretty good in Carolina, but there’s still a little bit of stink on him. That was some good Darnold stink.

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:19 PM

@UprootedTexan They played the Jets to be fair

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:19 PM

Oh sure, if you’re gonna be all RATIONAL and [kitten].

l4blitzer — Today at 8:19 PM

Whoo…I thought we got rid of DeAndre Carter?

Or are we cursed for punt returners for the foreseeable future!

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:20 PM

Wow, Andre Roberts...doesn’t do that. And he did it again.

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:20 PM

I love that Greenard got Darnold to fumble by accident simply because the ball hit him in the shoulder and he completely whiffed on the swat.

Matt Weston — Today at 8:21 PM

Still better than Whitney Mercilus!

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:23 PM

If this game is brought to us by Bud Light Platinum, should we be [kitten]ed at Bud Light Platinum for how bad the game becomes?

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:23 PM

If I hear Joe Buck speak one more time.

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:23 PM

Like should we send them emails and stuff?

(PANTHERS FIFTH POSSESSION)

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:24 PM

“I don’t know if the QB should have directed Britt”[

What?

Matt Weston — Today at 8:24 PM

Yeah, they slid the protection the wrong direction there

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:24 PM

They rushed four on that sack.

Davis Mills is 4/5 for 19 yards.

Matt Weston — Today at 8:25 PM

How about Davis Pills because watching him play makes me wish I had an opiod addiction to getting through one of his games possible

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:26 PM

Davis Run Of The Mills.

Trying to figure out what to get for dinner. Or if I should just get more gin, because I’m out of gin now.

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:26 PM

Heard Vernons footsteps on that one. Didn’t wanna meet him in the alley

l4blitzer — Today at 8:27 PM

When you are a superstar like #26, it is a common occurrence.

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:27 PM

Hey, Thad, what should I get for dinner?

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:28 PM

LOL! Poor Thad. Like you, nothing spicy.

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:28 PM

LOLOLOLOL

There’s a place near here that sells “Seoul Dogs” which are just corn dogs but the corn dog batter is also sprinkled with chunks of crinkle cut fries.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:29 PM

And you’re still typing in Discord?

l4blitzer — Today at 8:29 PM

Nice blitz

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:29 PM

Somehow.

That was a [kitten] of a sack there.

To be fair, I have had to delete and retype A LOT.

(TEXANS FOURTH POSSESSION)

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:31 PM

Nice rush by Blacklock. Putting him into a 2-gap scheme was a horrible decision last year.

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:31 PM

LMAO nothing with cracked black pepper because it’s too

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:31 PM

No wonder we call you Thad.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:32 PM

Srsly.

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:32 PM

GET SOME SMOKED SALMON

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:32 PM

I can get that at the drugstore.

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:32 PM

Best salmon I’ve ever had came from Macrini bakery in Belltown.

With some cream cheese. TAKE ME BACK

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:33 PM

Eewwwwwwwwwww

(TWO MINUTE WARNING)

l4blitzer — Today at 8:33 PM

What do you know, a pass on 1st down

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:33 PM

Mills got smashed though

l4blitzer — Today at 8:33 PM

Another good pass…see, this is possible

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:34 PM

Lol Reddick got a little saucy trying that spin back to back

Joe Critz — Today at 8:34 PM

HERE WE GO

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:34 PM

Here we go here we go here we go here we go.

Joe Critz — Today at 8:34 PM

Davis is mills!

Matt Weston — Today at 8:34 PM

Finally there’s something, anything

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:35 PM

The Texans have one WR, and CAR can’t cover him.

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:35 PM

And [Durga] bless him too.

Joe Critz — Today at 8:35 PM

There’s those flashes that Davis mills showed on the Stanford tape!

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:35 PM

Call tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime

I’m getting Korean fried chicken.

Joe Critz — Today at 8:36 PM

LETS GOOOOO

l4blitzer — Today at 8:36 PM

No worries about being shut-out

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:36 PM

Anthony Miller TD!

Joe Critz — Today at 8:37 PM

Anthony Miller!

(DAVIS MILLS TO ANTHONY MILLER TOUCHDOWN! GAME TIED 7-6)

Joe Critz — Today at 8:37 PM

I like him I hope he does good here

Well

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:37 PM

[Kitten] you Joey Slye, we could get that from Ka’imi Verylongname.

l4blitzer — Today at 8:38 PM

Slye…when do we get our top offensive weapon Fairbairn back?

Matt Weston — Today at 8:38 PM

Feels good?

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:38 PM

You Slye [kitten]ing dog

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:38 PM

Was anybody covering Miller? That was total blown coverage.

(PANTHERS FIFTH POSSESSION)

l4blitzer — Today at 8:38 PM

And our first Watson reference of the night from Buck…

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:39 PM

I’m surprised it took this long.

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:39 PM

I need the Gif of Culley talking to Mills after the TD

l4blitzer — Today at 8:40 PM

Texans D now coming to play!

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:40 PM

GETTHEBALLGETTHBALLGETTHBALL!!!!

FURK!

Joe Critz — Today at 8:41 PM

LETS GO

HALFTIME REACTIONS

Joe Critz — Today at 8:41 PM

Texans defense is GOOD

Mills Herbert era?

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:41 PM

@Joe: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Joe Critz — Today at 8:42 PM

I just continue to be impressed by the defense, they’re making big plays regardless of the offense they’re facing

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:42 PM

I can’t tell if I like Blacklock or if the bar was set just so low from last year I have beer goggles

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:42 PM

I’m liking Collins, the DL have been generating pressure.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:44 PM

It’s like Big Matt said, there are major disconnects on their oline. I do like the way Blacklock looks, though.

Joe Critz — Today at 8:44 PM

I remember a time when I thought the Greenard/Blackblock/Omenihu line could be good and then being disappointed, but maybe this is what they really could be

l4blitzer — Today at 8:44 PM

Perhaps that 4th down stop did more than we thought, as the defense has settled in fairly well and is getting pressure on the QB. That and we seem to be going away from giving DJ Moore that 15 yard middle of the field cushion. As for the offense, we’ll see if the team can build on that last drive. (edited)

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:44 PM

Also, I think it’s funny that I am seeing Tweets that Lovie Smith should be fired because the scheme is so bad (and it is. There is a reason nobody runs the Cover-2 anymore).

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:45 PM

Did we take Blacklock in the second or third round in 2020?

Joe Critz — Today at 8:45 PM

Second round

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:45 PM

I want to say the second.

That’s what I thought.

Joe Critz — Today at 8:45 PM

He was supposed to be the first round pick we were lucky we fell to us

Highly graded prospect expected to be a starter right away

So maybe it just took him a year to figure things out and now he’s good

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:47 PM

Blacklock both wasn’t played last year, and they put him in as a 2-gap player, which was stupid.

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:47 PM

I...I think I might be a bit drunj.

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:48 PM

I heard rumblings of them wanting him to basically be a Reader replacement and I’m like like “how?” Should have been Coe or Madibuke…

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:49 PM

Right? Totally misused.

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:50 PM

Well it just leaves me puzzled about the plan upstairs. How did they think this was gonna go down? Him and Cunningham not taking over for BMack are to this day some of the most confusing picks I’ve seen this decade

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:52 PM

Well, there wasn’t a plan. There never was under BOB once Smith was out.

l4blitzer — Today at 8:52 PM

This was the Texans under the BO’B/Easterby GM experiment…

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:52 PM

Barzigan was just using Cal’s Dreamcast waiting to get that GM interview….

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:53 PM

I miss being in Houston so much.

I don’t miss being hot, but everything else, I miss.

Carlos Flores — Today at 8:54 PM

I was going to say, this heat is the freaking worst lmao. I’ll trade you!

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:54 PM

When were you in Hou UT? I’ve only ever known you in Seattle

THIRD QUARTER

Matt Weston — Today at 8:54 PM

I want David Culley to grab my face and encourage me

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:54 PM

I grew up in Houston. I moved up to Seattle in 2005.

(TEXANS FIFTH POSSESSION)

l4blitzer — Today at 8:55 PM

I like the idea of the play action there, but Carolina’s D shut it down

bigfatdrunk — Today at 8:56 PM

Wow, Roberts was one of my favorite off-season signings, and he’s been really bad.

Matt_Robinson — Today at 8:56 PM

I got so encouraged by all of his “preseason reps”

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:58 PM

Call a [Durga][kitten] flag!

l4blitzer — Today at 8:59 PM

Yeah…a make up from the 1st half missed DPI on Hargreaves

UprootedTexan — Today at 8:59 PM

Booooo, they owe us some dumb[kitten] penalties!

Did they throw a flag just because of how bad that throw was?

Carlos Flores — Today at 9:00 PM

I’d say that ball wasn’t catchable lmao

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:00 PM

OH MY [DURGA], IS THAT WHY THEY DRAFTED DAVIS MILLS?!

bigfatdrunk — Today at 9:00 PM

Mills has a tendency to let his wrist drop, which leads to major inaccuracy. That’s what happened on the throw to Conley.

l4blitzer — Today at 9:00 PM

Make up for the make up…and the All-Flag offense is back

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:00 PM

Because they knew they’d get stupid penalties for uncatchable balls?

Matt_Robinson — Today at 9:01 PM

Jaycee Horn is the Hopkins of DB hand fighting

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:01 PM

It’s like a 1000 piece jigsaw got thrown up in the air and fell into place.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 9:01 PM

Cooks ran into Horn and that’s DPI?

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:01 PM

Yes, shut up.

Don’t make the refs think, they don’t like it.

l4blitzer — Today at 9:02 PM

At least they know what down it is, so there is that

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:03 PM

Boooooooooooooo

Carlos Flores — Today at 9:03 PM

Great open field tackle by Horn. Wish our guys could do that.

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:03 PM

Free play.

l4blitzer — Today at 9:04 PM

ALL HAIL THE ALL-OFFSIDE OFFENSE!!!

Carlos Flores — Today at 9:04 PM

Mills threw Miller into a wood chipper

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:04 PM

This is where David Culley will decline the five yard penalty because who the [kitten] knows why.

Uh oh, Jaycee Horn is hurt.

I love these “becoming your parents” ads by Progressive.

l4blitzer — Today at 9:06 PM

Kelly to Mills in the timeout “try not to throw it where 3 Carolina defenders are right next to our receiver, ok?

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:07 PM

Mills to Kelly: “[kitten] you I do what I want.”

l4blitzer — Today at 9:07 PM

Almost a highlight play there

Joe Critz — Today at 9:08 PM

wow that was actually almost a good play there

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:08 PM

My Korean chicken is on the way! Wooohoo!!!

Joe Critz — Today at 9:08 PM

come on davis!j

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:08 PM

GO FOR IT YOU COWARDS!!!!

Joe Critz — Today at 9:08 PM

fourth down davis!

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:08 PM

[Kitten]ing [kitten]s.

Candy-[kitten] mother[kitten]ers.

This is the kind of call Mike Fiers would make.

l4blitzer — Today at 9:09 PM

Culley: “There will be no doubt about my decision to punt…ever”

Matt Weston — Today at 9:09 PM

How do you miss Davis Mills in the pocket?

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:09 PM

Because he too is a candy-[kitten] mother[kitten]er.

(PANTHERS SIXTH POSSESSION)

l4blitzer — Today at 9:11 PM

Now, now…I know this is a football game and all, but we will not have any of that language here. Please refrain from those offensive words: Mike Fiers

Carlos Flores — Today at 9:11 PM

Reported

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:12 PM

Even if I say he’s a candy-[kitten] [kitten]?

Because he is a candy-[kitten] [kitten].

l4blitzer — Today at 9:13 PM

True, he is…but the name “M.F.”…nope, we cannot allow or dignify that

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:14 PM

Okay, fine.

l4blitzer — Today at 9:14 PM

Dumb play there

Joe Critz — Today at 9:14 PM

kirksey cracking jokes on the field

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:15 PM

Korean fried chicken by the way? A+

bigfatdrunk — Today at 9:15 PM

Def, UT, Korean fried chicken is the bomb.

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:16 PM

They also include some pickled daikon radish which is [kitten]ing amazing.

l4blitzer — Today at 9:16 PM

Moore back to his usual tricks.

Matt Weston — Today at 9:16 PM

You telling me a Korean fried this chicken?

l4blitzer — Today at 9:17 PM

Blacklock down…boo

Joe Critz — Today at 9:17 PM

a shrimp fried this rice?

Carlos Flores — Today at 9:17 PM

Who in the Korean Fried F*** is down?

Blacklock, Gracias Scott

l4blitzer — Today at 9:18 PM

Polzalista

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:19 PM

Пожалуста

l4blitzer — Today at 9:20 PM

Cyrillic is a lot cleaner than English letters at times

Carlos Flores — Today at 9:20 PM

Hargreaves thought he had something there

(PANTHERS TD, PANTHERS LEAD 14-6.)

Matt Weston — Today at 9:21 PM

big play vernon hargreaves III

bigfatdrunk — Today at 9:21 PM

Wait wait wait. Dak Prescott did a commercial about the science and technology of a bed, but he’s anti-vax?

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:22 PM

You’re surprised?

l4blitzer — Today at 9:22 PM

Well, there you go again bfd…trying to apply logic to these things?

Matt Weston — Today at 9:22 PM

Do you inject a mattress into your body?

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:23 PM

Every [Durga][kitten] night, baby!

Joe Critz — Today at 9:23 PM

wait dak is anti-vax?

dang :(

Matt Weston — Today at 9:23 PM

[Kitten] I need that mattress

Joe Critz — Today at 9:24 PM

daktress

sleeping on ur arms will finally be really comfortable

Carlos Flores — Today at 9:25 PM

There was a girl on my strange addiction that ate mattresses

Unsurprisingly, she died but not because of the mattress.

l4blitzer — Today at 9:25 PM

Some more CHUM, anyone?

Carlos Flores — Today at 9:26 PM

Mills just got dog piled

l4blitzer — Today at 9:26 PM

Remarkable he got up from that one

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:28 PM

This game has been so [kitten]ed ugly.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 9:29 PM

Sword fight!

l4blitzer — Today at 9:29 PM

The refs are going to have to ice down their arms after this one with all these flags

Nothing like those nice, 5-7 yard cushions on the WRs in the middle of the field on passing downs

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:33 PM

Anybody wanna tango? I feel like doing a tango.

bigfatdrunk — Today at 9:34 PM

Eric Murray does! And he’s going to grab you the entire time.

l4blitzer — Today at 9:34 PM

Good discipline by Martin there

bigfatdrunk — Today at 9:34 PM

Mos def. Great play.

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:36 PM

Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is!

l4blitzer — Today at 9:39 PM

Darnold with the flop…ref didn’t buy it

Hargreaves: DPOY and MVP

Carlos Flores — Today at 9:40 PM

Going for it

Jk, cowards

NOT MOORE

bigfatdrunk — Today at 9:41 PM

GO FOR IT, COWARDS.

l4blitzer — Today at 9:41 PM

Not the worst strategy for Carolina here, especially with our offense

(PANTHERS FG. PANTHERS LEAD 17-6

Matt Weston — Today at 9:42 PM

What is going on with this turf?

I’m pro field goal there. Houston is running a training wheel offense and this has been one of the best defenses in the league. It’s the fourth quarter, not the first.

FOURTH QUARTER

bigfatdrunk — Today at 9:43 PM

COWARDS.

(TEXANS SIXTH POSSESSION)

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:45 PM

Brandin Cooks is our offense.

Carlos Flores — Today at 9:46 PM

Dang, though Cooks looked hurt on the late hit

l4blitzer — Today at 9:48 PM

Good toughness by Mills there

Matt Weston — Today at 9:49 PM

lmao how do you miss Mills for a sack?

DDR [kitten] quarterback

Carlos Flores — Today at 9:50 PM

Slye with a big boot.

(JOEY SLYE FIELD GOAL. PANTHERS LEAD 17-9)

l4blitzer — Today at 9:50 PM

Needs the degree of difficulty to go up to make the kicks.

(PANTHERS SEVENTH POSSESSION)

Matt Weston — Today at 9:54 PM

At least we have the Seattle game

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:54 PM

Oh, that game is going to huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurt.

So close and yet so far away.

l4blitzer — Today at 9:56 PM

Oh, will Darnold and Moore want that play back!!!

UprootedTexan — Today at 9:57 PM

I gotta say, watching Texans football plastered has made it sooooooo much more bearable.

l4blitzer — Today at 10:01 PM

Another pass Carolina will want back. Probably won’t hurt them, but alas

UprootedTexan — Today at 10:02 PM

The Texans have given up over 300 yards to Sam [kitten]ing Darnold, y’all.

Joe Critz — Today at 10:02 PM

sam darnold is good now

(PANTHERS TD. PANTHERS LEAD 24-9)

l4blitzer — Today at 10:03 PM

Didn’t give up a passing TD, but yeah, the pass D hasn’t been great

Matt Weston — Today at 10:04 PM

He’s no Teddy Bridgewater, but he’s pretty good this year. I’d love to see him behind a real offensive line

(TEXANS SEVENTH POSSESSION)

l4blitzer — Today at 10:08 PM

Should have been a fumble…team would have gotten a couple of yards on 1st down

(TURNOVER ON DOWNS, PANTHERS EIGHTH POSSESSION)

UprootedTexan — Today at 10:08 PM

[Kitten], it’s already third down

Oh, bless your heart, Davis Mills.

This game really flew by.

FINAL SCORE: PANTHERS 24 - TEXANS 9

Joe Critz — Today at 10:16 PM

Texans almost looked good. Kept in it for a little over a half and then became the bad team we thought they were

Davis Mills had another mediocre performance

If he actually can be good, he’s got a long way to go

Matt Weston — Today at 10:19 PM

I don’t think he’s good, but I want to see the training wheels off against Buffalo

l4blitzer — Today at 10:21 PM

About as expected. Mills had his moments, good and bad. Defense had their chances but couldn’t hold. Pass blocking…the less said, the better.