clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Hair of the Dog - The Last Dog Has Been Hung Edition (Texans/BESFs II)

The BRB gang get together to discuss the Texans’ season finale and, somehow, the Final Fantasy video game franchise.

Cue the cartoon music!

Ordinarily at the end of the season I would do some kind of post-mortem. But since that would require looking back on the last season and that feels like a special kind of hell I’d rather not visit upon myself, instead I will spend the next section of this addressing one D. Cal McNair, CEO of the Houston Texans and failson par excellence.

If you squint, you can actually see the cymbal-banging monkey in Cal’s head.

Dear Cal,

I feel like I can call you Cal because we have so much in common. I’m a chronic underachiever and you’ve never achieved anything in your entire life that your father didn’t give you on a silver plate, so we kind of have a nice vibe going here.

Anyway, I am writing you today through the magic of the internet to say thank you again for another season of Texans football and for not actually running onto the field thinking you could also play quarterback. I know that in many cases where someone who didn’t achieve anything on their own, they feel like they can do anything they want without consequence. So I guess we can thank you for that much if nothing else.

I’m also writing that as a Texans fan, I feel like you owe me, and everyone who has ever put on Texans gear, spent insane amounts of money to park and watch football at your dad’s stadium, or even bought a drop of beer at a sports bar which had the Texans game on, an apology, a substantial refund, and maybe a cookie.

From the start of the season, we Texans fans, who have stuck through some truly awful football over the years, were promised something referred to by your front office as “That Football Feeling.” The implication of that meaning we would feel something, anything, while watching the Houston Texans play football this year. While I understand that marketing a team by saying “watch Texans football and feel pain unlike anything you’ve ever felt before” is not the best course of action, I understand that pain is, technically, a feeling. However, for most Texans fans, myself included, the only “Football Feeling” we experienced was anesthesia, the complete lack of feeling, football or otherwise, toward the Texans.

I have been in contact with multiple respectable legal experts who have told me to “get off their lawn” and “stop scaring the children, what’s wrong with you” and they agreed, just before I was escorted away that this anesthetic feeling represents a breach of trust between your football team and us, the fans who spend irrational amounts of money on them. In my opinion, and in the opinion of those fine legal minds that I think they would have told me if the sirens didn’t drown them out, you owe us all an apology and you owe us some financial recompense for our time, trouble, and undue physical and mental stress from being exposed to Texans football this season.

Now, I know for a fact you have no problem with people taking stupid amounts of money away from you. You’re spending a lot of money on a head coach who doesn’t may or may not know that football games end in a tie. You spend money on Jack Easterby for reasons that would frustrate every single economist on the planet. And on a certain level I respect that, after all, it’s not like you did anything to earn that money so it obviously has no real value to you. So why not put that worthless money to good use and bribe your fans who you insist on tormenting with...with...whatever the hell we watched this season. It would go a long way to building good will with Texans fans that you seemed hellbent on setting on fire during the last offseason. Besides, it’s not like the NFL isn’t going to reimburse you in next year’s revenue sharing check. You’ll never even notice. But Texans fans will.

In an ideal world, you’d let the city of Houston nationalize the team a la Green Bay so that Houstonians would be shareholders in the team and not subjected to the whims of a cymbal-monkey brained imbecile who has no real incentive to win and would have no idea about how to win if he wanted to. But I know better than to hope you’d see THAT particular light.

As for the cookies, well, I prefer those soft-baked frosted kind you get at the store that come 12 to a package and never seem to last more than a day and a half. But that’s just my opinion, others might want different cookies.

Yours,

UT

P.S. Stop using Andre Johnson as a shield to deflect criticism. It’s shitty of you and Andre deserves way better than that.

Now let’s get on with the final Dog of the season.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this thread safe to read at work.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION

l4blitzer — 11:46 AM

Start cheering for the Jags. Pray they win, and watch the NFL sweat so many bullets, given that the marque Sunday Night match-up could see two teams play that if they tied, would BOTH make the playoffs…IF Jacksonville wins.

bigfatdrunk — 11:50 AM

Do I actually get the game over the air today? Because that would be quite the change.

Foreman / Cunningham revenge game!

FIRST QUARTER

(Texans first possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:03 PM

Do you think LSU would sue if they played Neck when Davis Mills runs onto the field?

l4, I was so [kitten]ed when I found out that I couldn’t bet on that to happen on my mobile app.

bigfatdrunk — 12:05 PM

If Autry doesn’t bat that down, that would have been picked off.

Rex Burkheart: still the waste of a roster spot.

UprootedTexan — 12:05 PM

Technically not a CHUM since it wasn’t up the middle, but it gave real CHUM vibes on that run.

l4blitzer — 12:05 PM

I do wonder what the oddsmakers would give for a LAC-LV tie if the Jags win

Carlos Flores — 12:06 PM

[Durga] I hope the BESF’s open a can of whoop [kitten] today

UprootedTexan — 12:06 PM

GO FOR IT YOU COWARDS

bigfatdrunk — 12:06 PM

Here comes a penalty.

UprootedTexan — 12:06 PM

They’re trying to keep the top overall spot in the playoffs. We’re gonna get murdered.

I’m confused, how’d they convert that?

l4blitzer — 12:07 PM

Unless the pressure gets to them, but I don’t see that happening with this iteration of the Titans

Well, if Culley is now coaching for his job, he may let it all hang out and go crazy on coaching decisions.

Carlos Flores — 12:09 PM

Mills sailed that one

(BESFs first possession)

bigfatdrunk — 12:10 PM

If the rumors have changed this drastically, I imagine they have something under the table with a McDaniels or somebody like that. As long as they want to be Patriots South, I have no hope for the Texans.

UprootedTexan — 12:11 PM

This doesn’t matter. What matters is that the Jags form ex-Texan Voltron in north Florida.

l4blitzer — 12:11 PM

Yep…if Culley is gone, then look for a massive uptick in McDaniels-to-Houston stories

Of course there are now rumors that Carolina wants to hire BO’B as an OC, but I can’t BO’B leaving Bama willingly for another coordinator job.

UprootedTexan — 12:13 PM

I’m still not convinced that McDaniels doesn’t have an understanding that he’s Belichick’s heir when he retires. Or is staked in the heart by a Van Helsing, whichever comes first.

(Texans second possession)

Kenneth L. — 12:15 PM

What’s cookin

UprootedTexan — 12:16 PM

Whatever Buffalo Wild Wings is frying.

How’s things with you, Kenneth?

l4blitzer — 12:16 PM

Glitter Kitties score!!! The NFL can start sweating a little

Kenneth L. — 12:17 PM

Trying to triple stream red zone, the Texans and the Pittsburgh Baltimore game but it may be more than my internet of process

l4blitzer — 12:17 PM

I see that the Titans want to increase the degree of difficulty for this game.

UprootedTexan — 12:19 PM

Can’t help but feel like they’re toying with us somehow.

bigfatdrunk — 12:20 PM

Mills can’t make plays with his feet. It’s so bad.

UprootedTexan — 12:21 PM

Ah, fourth and long, that feels natural.

(BESFs second possession)

l4blitzer — 12:22 PM

Culley punting deep inside opposing territory…I shocked, shocked to see that

UprootedTexan — 12:23 PM

It’s a thing of beauty.

::channeling Titan Matt:: [Durga] I love it. Makes me wanna Titan Up.

::kills myself immediately::

Ian Eagle just made a Dumb and Dumber joke and I had to check that I didn’t wind up in 1998 or something.

l4blitzer — 12:25 PM

Jags stuff the Ponies on 4th and short. NFL starting to make some calls to the officials in Jacksonville.

UprootedTexan — 12:26 PM

Thus marking the first time that the NFL has ever given a [kitten] about the Jaguars in anything ever.

Eeeep.

I don’t know what that was, but it was beautiful.

l4blitzer — 12:29 PM

Glad to see that pin-‘em deep on a punt strategy by Culley continues to payoff for the Texans…

UprootedTexan — 12:30 PM

I think it’s nice that you assume there’s any kind of strategy being employed by this team. And they say we’re nothing but pessimists here.

l4blitzer — 12:32 PM

Oh there is a strategy. It’s not good, effective or even close to modern, but there is some sort of strategy.

Kenneth L. — 12:33 PM

This game is moving slow

UprootedTexan — 12:33 PM

Because they want us to savor the last minutes of the season.

l4blitzer — 12:33 PM

That football feeling…

UprootedTexan — 12:34 PM

...is anesthesia.

All five of us in this BWW laughed at Bullock missing that FG.

(Beercan Bullock shanks the kick hard left. Score remains 0-0)

Kenneth L. — 12:36 PM

Fat Randy

l4blitzer — 12:36 PM

The more things change…

Kenneth L. — 12:36 PM

Also don’t look now but the Jags are beating Indy

UprootedTexan — 12:37 PM

THAT is my happy place at the moment.

l4blitzer — 12:38 PM

Jags still up 7-0 at the end of one. Expect a massive uptick in penalties to be called on the future employers of BO’B

Kenneth L. — 12:39 PM

Who does the league want in more the colts or Steelers

SECOND QUARTER

l4blitzer — 12:39 PM

Oh, it is not those teams…it is the nightmare that the Sunday Night game could see both teams only needing to tie to get in to the playoffs

UprootedTexan — 12:40 PM

In a vacuum, I’d say it’s 1000% the Steelers. But I think in this case, they just don’t want to be embarrassed by the possibility of two teams playing for a tie to get into the playoffs.

l4blitzer — 12:40 PM

Thus, the NFL experiences its own version of Austria-Germany in the 1982 World Cup, universally regarded as the worst WC game in history, since both team would advance on 1-0 Germany win, and after the early German goal, the game was unwatchable.

UprootedTexan — 12:41 PM

This guy in the Geico ad lost every single role he ever auditioned for to Josh Gad except this ad.

(BESFs second possession)

Kenneth L. — 12:43 PM

The tie issue is in the Steelers Ravens game right?

UprootedTexan — 12:43 PM

Chargers/Raiders.

l4blitzer — 12:43 PM

The game they moved to Sunday night

Titans fighting with the Texans to see who can play the uglier game

UprootedTexan — 12:46 PM

Colts with a field goal. Hope remains, albeit tenuous.

I think if anything, the NFL would want the Jags to win because everyone is going to tune in to SNF to watch if the Chargers and Raiders will try to tie for two playoff spots.

l4blitzer — 12:47 PM

Julio Jones remembering he can be a good receiver…and they are playing the Texans secondary

Kenneth L. — 12:47 PM

[Kitten] Greenard is questionable to return

UprootedTexan — 12:48 PM

Penalty count: 1 (offsides)

Penalty count: 2 (offsides, holding)

Remember when the Texans drafted D’Onta Foreman and Bill O’Brien cut him because reasons? Pepperidge Farm remembers...

l4blitzer — 12:51 PM

You saying BO’B wasn’t good with personnel decisions???

UprootedTexan — 12:52 PM

Someone is very [kitten]ed that Foreman TD came off the board.

I think he may have had a bit of a blindspot there, yes.

Illegal substitution scrapped the TD. It’s rare when stupid footballing benefits the Texans.

l4blitzer — 12:53 PM

Vrabel: We will beat the Texans in all areas of the game, to include penalties

(BESFs TD. BESFs lead 7-0)

Kenneth L. — 12:54 PM

Defense is putting up a fight

Jeez who was that in coverage

(Texans third possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:57 PM

Completely uncovered blitzer. I think even he was confused that nobody stopped him.

l4blitzer — 1:00 PM

Glitter Kitties add a field goal…NFL not happy

Kenneth L. — 1:00 PM

This offense can’t

l4blitzer — 1:01 PM

Interesting what happens when you get the ball to your best player

UprootedTexan — 1:01 PM

I’m trying to soothe the feels of Colts fans in my twitter feed.

(BESFs third possession)

l4blitzer — 1:02 PM

Did Burkhead alter the game plan so that he would get ALL the plays?

UprootedTexan — 1:03 PM

I feel like at the end of the season we’re going to get an Ocean’s Eleven reveal showing how Burkhead eliminated all of the other RBs so he could be the lone guy to run for two yards per carry for this team.

OH [KITTEN] YOU CBS.

Showing that fraud-[kitten] franchise that never existed and doesn’t exist now, [kitten] you.

l4blitzer — 1:08 PM

Commentators trying to talk up the impact of the Texans cutting Foreman

TWO MINUTE WARNING

l4blitzer — 1:14 PM

(BESFs TD. BESFs lead 14-0)

bigfatdrunk — 1:15 PM

Embarrassing.

l4blitzer — 1:17 PM

Too bad this ain’t tennis, as the Texans could take a medical timeout, realize it is not working, and just retire to end the match.

(Texans fourth possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:18 PM

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s coming back.

Penalty count: 3 (offsides, holding x 2)

bigfatdrunk — 1:19 PM

Hahahahahahah

UprootedTexan — 1:19 PM

Jags first and goal at the one with 8 seconds left in the half.

bigfatdrunk — 1:21 PM

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

l4blitzer — 1:21 PM

This season’s version of the Texans never let a good play go without screwing it up.

(BESFs fourth possession)

Kenneth L. — 1:22 PM

Hahaha

Our offense

UprootedTexan — 1:22 PM

Jags almost had the TD but never had possession. Jags lead 13-3.

Hello, and welcome to our Jacksonville Jaguars chat.

Kenneth L. — 1:23 PM

Is mills hurt?

l4blitzer — 1:23 PM

Who’s more distressed here…Colts fans, NBC or the NFL?

UprootedTexan — 1:23 PM

The NFL probably.

Again, if there’s a chance for a stupid tie to get into the playoffs, everybody and their mothers will be tuning in.

Although maybe Colts fans because they’re gonna play themselves out of the playoffs I think.

l4blitzer — 1:25 PM

I just appreciate the irony that the NFL is adopting the FIFA model of having divisions play each other at the same time to end the season only to face the same type of situation that led to FIFA making that change to begin with…

UprootedTexan — 1:26 PM

Penalty count: 4 (offsides, holding x 2, pass interference)

bigfatdrunk — 1:27 PM

Hahahahahahhahahahaha

(BESFs TD. BESFs lead 21-0)

l4blitzer — 1:28 PM

Eric Murray…not gonna miss that guy

UprootedTexan — 1:29 PM

Good news: We cut Eric Murray!

Bad news: We signed Vernon Hargreaves to fill his spot!

Just let me die, Texans.

l4blitzer — 1:30 PM

DON’T YOU INFLICT THAT EVIL ON US!!!

HALFTIME REACTIONS

UprootedTexan — 1:30 PM

Hey, I’m just saying that’s what’s going to happen, I don’t like it any more than you do.

l4blitzer — 1:31 PM

Yeah, that is probably going to happen

UprootedTexan — 1:31 PM

It’s like in Star Wars there always has to be at least one Sith master and apprentice. With the Texans there must always be one Eric Murray or Vernon Hargreaves.

l4blitzer — 1:32 PM

Meanwhile, the greater rage at the Texans’ ineptitude comes not from Houston, but Kansas City, knowing they don’t get that bye.

UprootedTexan — 1:32 PM

I guess if we can’t [kitten] over Tennessee, [kitten]ing over Kansas City is a nice silver medal.

l4blitzer — 1:33 PM

But then again, KC is looking at 2, possibly 3 home playoff games…the ownership would be quietly happy about that development.

As for this game, the Titans learn that if you can avoid turning the ball over 5 times, the game generally goes a lot better. The Texans are already in the off-season, even if there is still a half to go.

UprootedTexan — 1:37 PM

I kind of hope in the second half the team resembles the crowd at the stadium, half of them never come out because they’re already off enjoying a long deserved(?) offseason.

Kenneth L. — 1:38 PM

The Texans have two third round picks right?

UprootedTexan — 1:39 PM

I think so?

l4blitzer — 1:41 PM

Right now, it is showing the team with 2 x 3rds, but I don’t think the NFL has doled out the compensatory picks yet.

UprootedTexan — 1:43 PM

Only one more half in the season. We can do this, y’all. We can get through this.

THIRD QUARTER

(BESFs fifth possession)

l4blitzer — 1:44 PM

Jags get a Colts turnover and are inside the ex-Baltimore 30

UprootedTexan — 1:45 PM

That was six if he caught that.

Kenneth L. — 1:46 PM

When do compensatory picks occur?

UprootedTexan — 1:47 PM

Lonnie Johnson Jr. is hurt.

Jags up 16-3 now.

I want to say March?

l4blitzer — 1:47 PM

Sounds right

UprootedTexan — 1:49 PM

::presses X to fast forward game::

(Texans fifth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 1:51 PM

Amendola is a waste of a roster spot.

l4blitzer — 1:53 PM

Commentators speculate about Aaron Rodgers to TEN for Tannehill and draft picks

UprootedTexan — 1:53 PM

Oh [Durga], what a [kitten]ing nightmare.

JAGS PICKED OFF WENTZ!

TRICKERY!

(Mills handoff to Burkhead, tossed back to Mills who throws the TD to _. BESFs lead 21-7)

(BESFs sixth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 1:59 PM

With the rest of today’s game left to go, Davis Mills has started 56 quarters for YOUR #Texans.

In those 56 quarters, he’s scored in 24 of those and been shutout in 32 for a total of 195 points. That comes out to 3.5 pts/quarter, or 14 points per game.

(That was before the flea flicker.)

l4blitzer — 1:59 PM

At this point, the NFL is placing some calls to “people who know people” in Vegas to make sure that the teams don’t play for the tie tonight.

UprootedTexan — 2:02 PM

Roger Goodell is pricing snipers to place at strategic locations at Allegiant Stadium to encourage the Raiders and Chargers to put in a supreme effort to win in tonight’s game.

Broncos officially fired Fangio. The plan is now coming together!

l4blitzer — 2:04 PM

TEN wants to play down to the competition I see…

UprootedTexan — 2:05 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL ANOTHER JAGS PICK!!!!

bigfatdrunk — 2:06 PM

WTK???

l4blitzer — 2:06 PM

So cruel that the Titans are giving Kansas City fans hope like this…

UprootedTexan — 2:06 PM

I love chaos and disorder.

(Texans sixth possession)

l4blitzer — 2:08 PM

Wasn’t Wentz like an MVP candidate a couple of seasons ago? Now the ex-Baltimore team has to hope the D and running game will be enough.

bigfatdrunk — 2:08 PM

Are they, l4? We’ve only scored 21 or more points seven (7) times this season.

l4blitzer — 2:09 PM

Oh I know that…us (few) Texans fans know that. I think the KC fans know that, but hope springs eternal…and can lead to irrational beliefs.

UprootedTexan — 2:11 PM

Holy [kitten] that last Jags TD!

Jags lead 23-3.

They’ll probably cut in with it during the game but [kitten] that was pretty.

l4blitzer — 2:13 PM

Hmmm…the Texans might be making things a bit more interesting.

bigfatdrunk — 2:13 PM

GO GLITTER KITTIES!!!

UprootedTexan — 2:14 PM

LOL, a pass attempt to David Johnson. Remember when BOB said he was more valuable to the Texans than DeAndre Hopkins because he can run and catch?

Anyway, BOB could be the next Jags head coach, so that’s hilarious.

(Fairbairn kicks a 31-yard field goal. BESFs lead 21-10.)

(BESFs seventh possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:16 PM

Uh oh. HOUSTON HAS MOMENTUM. How will the BE-SFs ever survive our momentum???

UprootedTexan — 2:17 PM

Announcer: We now cut back to Cal McNair in his box and it’s just a cardboard cutout of him and his wife and frankly we can’t tell the difference. Now third and seven...

l4blitzer — 2:17 PM

This could be a day for the Jags. Beat the Ponies to end their season, potentially cause chaos for the NFL, get a win and with Detroit leading Green Bay, still end up with the #1 pick

Apparently, we have had our most productive 3rd quarter of the season (10 points)

UprootedTexan — 2:18 PM

And become a much more attractive landing spot for Bill O’Brien.

Joe Critz — 2:20 PM

i need the texans to win and the steelers to win along with jags so steelers can beat the titans in the playoffs

FOURTH QUARTER

Joe Critz — 2:20 PM

i started off today fairly relaxed and now im kinda losing my mind

i believe in mills

hi UT!

UprootedTexan — 2:21 PM

The Chargers/Raiders game must end in a tie, I’m sorry Joe. That’s just what needs to happen.

Hi Joe.

Joe Critz — 2:22 PM

yeah i honestly would be happy if they agree to tie and both make the playoffs

a rare peace treaty in the nfl world

UprootedTexan — 2:23 PM

It would be beautiful chaos in a grossly ordered world.

l4blitzer — 2:23 PM

The embarrassment for Goodell would be epic if that tie can happen

Joe Critz — 2:23 PM

also dont know if you guys have gdc on in the background but watching that along with football is very fun

we’d enter a new era in team-to-team negotiation

UprootedTexan — 2:24 PM

It looks like our offense is now “[kitten] it, Collins is out there somewhere.”

Joe Critz — 2:24 PM

i agree with this!

UprootedTexan — 2:24 PM

gdc?

Joe Critz — 2:25 PM

games done quick!

big twitch stream where they speed run game after game for charity

l4blitzer — 2:26 PM

Jags with the stuff on Taylor…

UprootedTexan — 2:27 PM

Oh, duh! I know what that is, RIvers does FFIV games for gdq

(Mills to Amendola for the TD. BESFs lead 21-18)

Joe Critz — 2:27 PM

wait really!

that’s so cool

OH MY [DURGA]

UprootedTexan — 2:27 PM

Yeah, I think he’s even ranked.

Joe Critz — 2:27 PM

THE COMEBACK IS HAPPENING!!!

UprootedTexan — 2:27 PM

Or I should say he does FFIV Free Enterprise.

Joe Critz — 2:28 PM

what’s free enterprise

UprootedTexan — 2:29 PM

Basically it’s FFIV but they give you the airship to start with and they’ve randomized all the items, bosses and playable characters in the game. So you don’t know who you’ll be playing with or fighting at any given time.

Joe Critz — 2:29 PM

oh wow

that actually sounds really fun haha

ive only played like a third of ff7 remake but i keep being told to play classic ff7 to get into the series

UprootedTexan — 2:30 PM

If you want to get into the newer games, maybe. But if you want to really get a feel for it, you should start with FFIV Original. I’m sure there are mods for it to be found.

Joe Critz — 2:31 PM

I am very interested in IV

and in ff8 too haha i know that’s a weird one

i already love dragon quest

UprootedTexan — 2:32 PM

FF8 isn’t bad, I really like it a lot mostly because I played it a ton as a teenager.

bigfatdrunk — 2:33 PM

The BE-SFs playcalling in the second half has been...terrible.

Joe Critz — 2:33 PM

im mad that i missed out on final fantasy in my teenage years, i couldnt get into rpgs for the life of me

l4blitzer — 2:33 PM

If I was a BESF fan, I would be very, very worried about the playoff defense…if the Texans are doing this in a game that means nothing to them, what’s going to happen when teams are playing for everything?

UprootedTexan — 2:34 PM

It doesn’t help that FF games have really fallen off in recent years too. Like I think I stopped playing at XII and I didn’t even finish that one.

Joe Critz — 2:34 PM

yeah imagine how theyll feel when they lose to the steelers in the wildcard

Joe Critz — 2:35 PM

whats ur opinion on XV

ive heard mixed things about ffxv but im still really interested

l4blitzer — 2:35 PM

Titans may have saved the game for themselves on that play

UprootedTexan — 2:35 PM

I have no idea, I never even tried to play it.

Joe Critz — 2:36 PM

are you interested in the ff7 remake?

it uses similar gameplay as ffxv and its pretty good i gotta say

UprootedTexan — 2:37 PM

Kinda. I tried it a bit at PAX back in September, but I’m a little leery because I could only get it to play on PS5 and I don’t have one of those.

I did enjoy it for the little bit of time I got to try it, because I thought it was going to be different/worse than expected.

Joe Critz — 2:37 PM

isnt the ps4 version okay?

UprootedTexan — 2:38 PM

I think so, I just couldn’t get it to play when I was trying it.

Joe Critz — 2:38 PM

ohh okay

i always wonder about how people feel about the remake cuz it’s so different from the original

UprootedTexan — 2:38 PM

Why the [kitten] are you here, Chiefs fan in the stands? You are in the wrong game.

Joe Critz — 2:38 PM

hahaha

he’s there to join the texans fans for the upset

UprootedTexan — 2:39 PM

I think I still prefer the original because of the more traditional battle mechanics, but at least it wasn’t like FFXII where I felt like I wasn’t even doing the fighting.

(BESFs TD. BESFs lead 28-18)

Joe Critz — 2:40 PM

:(

it’s time for davis mills to activate his shootout instincts

UprootedTexan — 2:41 PM

I think he’s already doing that. He’s more or less just trying to throw to Collins downfield at this point.

l4blitzer — 2:41 PM

Jags inside the Colts 25

UprootedTexan — 2:43 PM

This game is taking too long.

l4blitzer — 2:45 PM

David Johnson with a good run. McEasterby readying a new 3 year deal, all guaranteed

UprootedTexan — 2:47 PM

Penalty count: 5 (offsides, holding x 2, pass interference, false start)

26-3 Jags.

Joe Critz — 2:49 PM

OH MYD

OH MYOGD

TEXANS TOUCHDOWN

STEELERS TOUCHDOWN

(Mills to Amendola for the TD. BESFs lead 28-25)

Joe Critz — 2:50 PM

OH MY [DURGA]

IT’S HAPPENINGGGGGG

i knew the football [Durga]s had me this week

i KNEW IT

(BESFs seventh possesion)

l4blitzer — 2:52 PM

Commentators now pressing for Mills to open 2022 as the starter

Joe Critz — 2:52 PM

that’s what im talking about!

davis mills is my quarterback right now ill run through walls for him

this moment is his

UprootedTexan — 2:53 PM

They’ll need to get him the ball back to get him his moment.

Touchdown Mules. Jags up 26-11

l4blitzer — 2:56 PM

It is the Glitter Kitties, but a 15 point lead and the ex-Baltimore team without timeouts and under 4:45 in the game, the World Cup 82 scenario is in play. NFL officials in panic mode.

bigfatdrunk — 2:57 PM

Gonna lose that challenge.

UprootedTexan — 2:57 PM

Well that was a waste.

bigfatdrunk — 2:58 PM

People are really upset at me on Twitter because I’m not on the Mills train.

UprootedTexan — 2:58 PM

And now we’re out of timeouts.

bigfatdrunk — 2:58 PM

LOL!

UprootedTexan — 2:59 PM

Well that should do it.

Joe Critz — 3:04 PM

:(

l4blitzer — 3:04 PM

2 min warning in Jacksonville. Goodell polling his staff who thought it would be a good idea to flex LAC-LV without considering all possibilities ala DiNero as Capone in The Untouchables

FINAL SCORE: BESFs 28 - TEXANS 25

Joe Critz — 3:04 PM

it really looked like everything was gonna work out there for that one moment

UprootedTexan — 3:04 PM

THE END

Now let us never speak of this season again.

Except you, let us know what kind of cookie you want from Cal McNair in the comments below.