Hair Of The Dog: Texans-49ers

The Houston Texans seemingly came back down to earth after last week’s upset win against the Los Angeles Chargers with a loss to the San Francisco 49ers. Although, it was relatively competitive for about three quarters.

Davis Mills looked pedestrian against a stingier defense that wasn’t totally out sick.

The running game wasn’t pretty and Brandin Cooks returned to being the centerpiece of the offense.

The defense managed to keep the game within reach for a while. They managed to pressure rookie QB Trey Lance for most of the game, until they didn’t. The secondary gave way to Deebo Samuel and co. late in the game to seal the loss.

There’s only one more of these left.

As always, in finest HOTD tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make it safe to read at work.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION

Uprooted Texan— Today at 11:23 AM

The consent manufacturing factory is working overtime this week on making Davis Mills seem like an actual quarterback.

Carlos Flores— Today at 11:53 AM

The narrative must be pushed. Was freaking out that the game wasn’t on Yahoo, realized it’s at 3.

Uprooted Texan— Today at 12:26 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL https://footballscoop.com/news/jags-gm-reportedly-pushing-for-bill-obrien

has We may be trash but Jacksonville is content to take our trash-ass hand-me-downs.

Uprooted Texan— Today at 2:17 PM

Antonio Brown took off his jersey and pads and walked off the field.

I’m really worried about him.

Carlos Flores— Today at 2:17 PM

Woah, really?

Matt_Robinson— Today at 2:18 PM

Carlos Flores— Today at 2:24 PM

Man, dude is troubled

FIRST QUARTER

l4blitzer— Today at 3:07 PM

Guess the running game improvement may not be carrying over to this one…

Carlos Flores— Today at 3:08 PM

Does San Fran have nearly the amount of defensive starters out that the Chargers did?

Matt Weston— Today at 3:09 PM

what a great first drive

Carlos Flores— Today at 3:10 PM

Trey Lance is taking the starting job permanently today

Also, thank Durga for Ja’marr Chase

Matt Weston— Today at 3:11 PM

that was a sick counter end around option play call

Lance has to hand that off with Martin sitting on the edge

bigfatdrunk—Today at 3:15 PM

Rex Burkheart is still a waste of a roster spot.

Carlos Flores—Today at 3:16 PM

Don’t know that a pitch was the best call there.

Matt Weston— Today at 3:16 PM

Houston is back to running the outside zone once again

Tim Kelly has lost his mind running a speed option with Mills and Burkhead on 3rd and 1

l4blitzer— Today at 3:17 PM

The hope was that it was so stupid it would be brilliant, but nope, it was just stupid.

Carlos Flores— Today at 3:18 PM

Antonio Brown is released, can Jack Easterby reform him?

Matt Weston— Today at 3:22 PM

Elijah Mitchell finally gets HOU with the OZ run

Carlos Flores— Today at 3:23 PM

Eli Mitchell will be worth drafting early for fantasy squads next year.

Immediately fails on 4th down. Don’t know why they wouldn’t have just gouged us up the middle there.

bigfatdrunk— Today at 3:25 PM

Awful play calling by Shanny there. Goodness.

Matt Weston— Today at 3:25 PM

Sure, leave Martin unblocked thinking he’ll chase a terrible running QB, instead of just running the OZ

I’m excited for everyone here to find out how bad of a runner Trey Lance is. He’s one directional like a third person PS1 launch title.

Carlos Flores— Today at 3:28 PM

LOL Resident Evil 2 type running

Matt Weston— Today at 3:28 PM

exactly

Royce Freeman is so much worse than Burkhead

Carlos Flores— Today at 3:29 PM

I don’t think anyone was looking for that ball

bigfatdrunk— Today at 3:31 PM

It’s a little different for the Texans when the opposition isn’t the Glitter Kitties or a bunch of backups.

Matt Weston— Today at 3:31 PM

Mills has been peak COPIUM the last two week

Carlos Flores— Today at 3:31 PM

But, but, Herbert got outplayed!

Matt Weston— Today at 3:31 PM

He was fine v. JAX, great v. LAC, but there were tons of caveats

HAHA Lance was so gun shy on that three step drop to create that second pass attempt

Carlos Flores— Today at 3:34 PM

Deebo is a freak

bigfatdrunk— Today at 3:35 PM

He’s so much fun.

SECOND QUARTER

bigfatdrunk— Today at 3:36 PM

Who was the Texans that jumped for no reason? Because that was Keo-esque.

Carlos Flores— Today at 3:41 PM

GigantaMatt, what is the plan for the jacket?

Matt Weston— Today at 3:43 PM

The jacket is staying home where it belongs. I’m upset that it hasn’t been cold enough for me to really where it yet. I think I’ll take it to the Titans game we are going to next weekend.

Carlos Flores— Today at 3:44 PM

Are you going to make any adjustments to it?

Matt Weston— Today at 3:44 PM

IDK yet, aside from getting a Texas Rangers patch for it I don’t have anything that speaks to me

Carlos Flores— Today at 3:48 PM

Phew, that probably should have been a pick 6

Matt Weston— Today at 3:50 PM

Yeah Ambry Thomas was sitting on the hook the whole way. CBs have no need to fear Nico Collins beating him deep so they can sit on the sticks. Not converting on 3rd and 2 is killer.

Carlos Flores— Today at 3:52 PM

Goodness, I can’t believe Trey Lance botched that

Had all day to set his feet and he under threw it.

bigfatdrunk— Today at 3:53 PM

That was a terrible throw. Wow.

Carlos Flores— Today at 3:55 PM

Davis trying to match Lance’s terrible throw with one of his own.

Matt Weston— Today at 3:58 PM

First good Mills throw

WOOOO there is 6:30 left in the second

bigfatdrunk

There’s no better description of this team than Rex Burkheart, featured RB.

Matt Weston— Today at 4:06 PM

David Culley and Tim Kelly are already playing for the field goal

Uprooted Texan— Today at 4:07 PM

It’s scoreless and we’re at the two minute warning

Carlos Flores— Today at 4:09 PM

Cooks is team MVP. Consistently our best performer.

Matthew Weston— Today at 4:11 PM

Those were three great 3rd down throws by Mills on that drive

I think Ross Blacklock is having a good game so far

Carlos Flores— Today at 4:21 PM

Love that Chris Tucker stadium sound

(Texans Lead 49ers 7-3 at Halftime)

HALFTIME REACTIONS

Matthew Weston— Today at 4:27 PM

Houston has limited San Francisco’s horizontal run game some, the longer third downs have limited SF’s play action game, Trey Lance is a running quarterback who can’t run, Davis Mills turned around a bad start by hitting on those string of third downs.

l4blitzer— Today at 4:29 PM

The first half has been the type of game only the mother of a player involved could love, and even then, only fortified with an adult beverage or 3. Maybe it picks up in the second half.

THIRD QUARTER

bigfatdrunk— Today at 4:45 PM

Wow, what a terrible decision and throw by Lance.

Joe Critz— Today at 4:45 PM

LETS GOOOO

I can’t believe our defense is stepping up like this

Matt Weston— Today at 4:46 PM

Lance has never broken a tackle before lmao

I think he had the flat open too when rolling left he was just late with it

Joe Critz— Today at 4:46 PM

Very genuinely disappointed in Trey Lance’s first year, hasn’t been anything that was advertised during the draft

l4blitzer— Today at 4:46 PM

Agreed…hindsight is 20/20, but why not a sneak on that one for SF? But, if they want to give this one away, who are the Texans to refuse the generosity?

Carlos Flores— Today at 4:51 PM

Bad decision by Mills to force that throw.

bigfatdrunk— Today at 4:51 PM

Holy kitten, that’s twice on the drive where the 49ers should have had the ball.

Kenneth L.— Today at 4:52 PM

That’s the worst call I’ve seen in a while

bigfatdrunk— Today at 4:52 PM

LOL!

Kenneth L.— Today at 4:52 PM

Another call. This is horse [kitten]

l4blitzer— Today at 4:53 PM

What an incredible dumb series of plays and calls…

Kenneth L.— Today at 4:53 PM

Also, being in SF I’m semi rooting for them so this win win situation is on

Matt Weston— Today at 4:54 PM

Terrence Mitchell isn’t good

Every SF crowd shot has made me progressively angrier

bigfatdrunk— Today at 4:56 PM

Good kitten, too easy.

(Eli Mitchell scores, 10-7 49ers.)

Matt Weston— Today at 4:57 PM

That’s what San Francisco football is supposed to look like

Kenneth L.— Today at 5:02 PM

Wind is changing right now

Actually let me rephrase

Karl the Fog is rolling through the bay

bigfatdrunk— Today at 5:02 PM

Was Jordan supposed to chip Willis there? Or did Christian completely blow it? Crazy.

Matt Weston— Today at 5:03 PM

Christian blew it completely

Peak Trey Lance is stepping out of bounds one yard short on a 3rd & 8 scramble instead of initiating contact to go through the defender to get the extra yard.

l4blitzer— Today at 5:09 PM

Houston commentators shocked that the 49ers didn’t try to go for it

Matt Weston— Today at 5:11 PM

You gotta love CBS showing shots of the city of San Francisco even though the 49ers play a hour away

l4blitzer—Today at 5:14 PM

Pharaoh Brown…I am both disappointed and not shocked

5th penalty of the game…a clean affair by Texans standards

Matt Weston— Today at 5:16 PM

Of course Tim Kelly has a chip on that throw that messes with Christian’s pass set that forces Brown to come back across Omenihu to lead to that penalty.

l4blitzer— Today at 5:21 PM

ALL HAIL THE ALL PASS INTERFERENCE OFFENSE!!!

Carlos Flores— Today at 5:21 PM

Down goes Mills. Bring out Fairbairn

l4blitzer— Today at 5:23 PM

Fairbairn doing his best to ensure the Texans maintain the 3rd pick in the draft

Carlos Flores— Today at 5:25 PM

Top 10 kicker money at work

Kenneth L.— Today at 5:28 PM

Can I just say Deebo is my favorite player in the league rn

l4blitzer— Today at 5:30 PM

Cue the female with the high BMI who sings in the soprano range.

Carlos Flores— Today at 5:30 PM

one loss closer to 50 bucks.

(Lance-to-Samuel TD pass for 45 yards. SF leads 17-7)

Carlos Flores— Today at 5:31 PM

bigfatdrunk— Today at 5:33 PM

LOL! Somebody has been liking comments on that tweet today hopeful that Noah will be proven right, I think.

l4blitzer— Today at 5:34 PM

Tim Kelly has unlocked the all penalty mode for this game.

Kenneth L.— Today at 5:34 PM

Okay mills is semi shifty

Like. His hips. They don’t lie sometimes

Matt Weston— Today at 5:35 PM

I like how he keeps his eyes downfield the entire time

Kenneth L.— Today at 5:35 PM

Especially for the pressure in his face

Matt Weston— Today at 5:35 PM

lmao that comes out to $162,500

Kenneth L.— Today at 5:36 PM

He knows he needs to set his feet a lot better than he used to

Pep Hamilton has definitely helped his football IQ

bigfatdrunk— Today at 5:37 PM

Mills’ accuracy is soooooo erratic. Drops a dime here, hits the mascot there. It’s so odd.

l4blitzer— Today at 5:38 PM

Kinda like the Texans’ version of Nuke Laloosh, no?

Carlos Flores— Today at 5:39 PM

Nuke Lawho?

bigfatdrunk— Today at 5:39 PM

CARLOS.

I mean, it’s just so weird. My mental comp for Mills is that he’s a poor man’s Matt Schaub. Then, he’ll miss a pass by 10 yards

Dwumfour having a great series

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHAHAHAHAHAAHAH

Matt Weston—Today at 5:43 PM

Dwumfour had some good runs stops last week too he has great pad level

bigfatdrunk— Today at 5:43 PM

Dwumfour gets THE best jumps off the snap. Good kitten dude is twitchy AF.

Carlos Flores— Today at 5:44 PM

TD is coming back

Gould’s kick is good to make it 20-7 49ers

bigfatdrunk— Today at 5:48 PM

That’s insurmountable with Davis Mills as the QB.

15/26 106 1-1 line for Mills today. ***106 yards** on 26 attempts. My goodness. Mills shutout for most of the game, and it was the only series he had any accuracy.

l4blitzer— Today at 5:54 PM

…and just like that, the 49ers are getting ready for next week…

Carlos Flores— Today at 5:54 PM

TWO MINUTE WARNING

Gould’s kick makes it 23-7. That’s all folks.

l4blitzer— Today at 5:59 PM

The 49ers with a bettor’s special on that score.

Carlos Flores— Today at 6:01 PM

LMAO the broadcaster stating “ they have to figure out the Deshaun Watson situation”, followed by a long pause then calling the down and distance. Love watching them get uncomfortable.

bigfatdrunk—Today at 6:02 PM

Mills collecting more trash time stats.

Kenneth L.— Today at 6:02 PM

Who the hell is this RB Samuels??

FINAL: Texans 7- 49ers 23

Kenneth L.— Today at 6:03 PM

Oh

That was anti dramatic ending play lol

bigfatdrunk— Today at 6:03 PM

Mills added 57 yards passing on the final drive to pad his stats.

l4blitzer— Today at 6:04 PM

49ers cover, Texans still with the inside track for the 3rd pick in the draft. Majority of people leave the game happy.

Matt Weston— Today at 6:04 PM

A fun first half was ruined by San Francisco’s pass rush taking over on third downs. Fairbairn’s field goal effectively ended it. It all comes to an end next week.

bigfatdrunk— Today at 6:04 PM

“It all comes to an end next week.” <--- THANK DURGA.

Uprooted Texan— today at 6:55 PM

Next week I get to run Matt’s favorite gif.

Game Balls

Nope, not this week, folks. Better luck next time.