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Totally Not Fake News: The Last Game of the Season

We come to the end of the road, or is it many are about to hit the road?

Houston Texans v Tennessee Titans Photo by Silas Walker/Getty Images

Houston, TX – For some, the end of the NFL regular season is a sad time. For 18 weeks, teams prepared and played their collective hearts and souls out in a quest for victory, with some good-to-great financial compensation. Throw in three weeks of preseason games and the long summer training camp sessions, to say nothing of the countless hours of individual workouts and actions, and to see it all suddenly come to end by midnight on this Sunday can be a little depressing for players, coaches, organizations, and fans. Add in the rather bleak fact that many a player and coach may find themselves on Black Monday unemployed, the end of the regular season can take on a near funeral feel.

Then, you have the Houston Texans

“Thank [Easterby]!!! It’s over!!! It’s finally over!!! The end couldn’t come soon enough for this living death of a nightmare season,” exclaimed one Texans PR staff worker. “Nothing, and I mean nothing went right this year for us. Everything we tried to get people all pumped up about the team, from the new hires of GM and Head Coach, the production costs for things like ‘Building the Texans’, even using a cute puppy. None of it helped. What a travesty of a season. Why am I here? Why didn’t I follow Amy out of here?”

Even something like this from the Houston Texans tends to bring more scorn than praise.

When reached for comment, former Texans PR Director Amy Palcic simply noted. “Yeah, we had a tough year for sure. But nah, I’m good here. Better than that ‘whatever-they-have-going on’ in Houston.”

As for the players:

“Let’s see. If I can pack up my stuff now, do the cleanout by Friday night/Saturday morning and then leave immediately after the final whistle, I can beat the game day traffic and avoid the backup on the I-10/610/Galleria exchange,” pondered one unnamed player.

However, the team, in an attempt to forestall some of the actions from last season, issued new guidance to ALL employees, staff and fans that they were prohibited from leaving their cars running the parking lot during the upcoming Sunday afternoon game against the Texans. “We are following one of the Executive Vice President of Football Operations’ (EVPFO) decrees about being a more environmentally friendly religious, er, NFL organization. Wants to cut down on pollution.”

Carolina Panthers v Houston Texans
The environmental activist we are all looking for...or just an excuse to keep guys around for the post-game debrief/sermon?
Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

“Doesn’t bother me much” noted Texans safety Eric Murray. “Got a good deal on a Tesla, so I will just have that battery charged up, leave it quietly running, and then after the final whistle, BOOM, I am on the road.”

However, Sunday will see a couple of players not at the stadium. Laremy Tunsil, who is still “recovering” from injury will not be back on the team. “It’s too bad, really. I mean, I did want to get back on to the field. Really. But, it is the end of the year, the team is seemingly doing ok, and well, we don’t a playoff game to worry about, so I just want to rest up and really, really get well for the off-season and playing in the NFL next year.”

Carolina Panthers v Houston Texans
We did uncover evidence that yes, Laremy Tunsil did, in fact, play for the Texans this season.
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Our reporter had this follow-up “You mean getting ready to play for the Texans, right?”

Tunsil seemed to feign trouble hearing the Zoom call, but then was like, “oh, yeah, the Texans? Riiiiigggggghhhhhhttttt, sure, whatever”

Also projected to miss the season finale was Justin Reid. The Texans safety, placed on the COVID-19 list, didn’t seem too upset about being out for the game. “Oh man. You mean I have to miss the finale, a game where there may not be more than a few thousand people in attendance, with a motivated and driven opponent playing for a playoff bye while we just try to get to the off-season? Yeah, such a disappointment. I mean, I am sure it is tough for the guys that will be there, trying to get all of their gear situated before they collect the last paychecks and get out the door to beat the traffic. I know a bunch of the guys had that issue last year.”

When asked about his plans and the conflicted reports about his future after the season, Reid seemed rather coy. “I mean, there are things about Houston I love. No state taxes, an owner with a seemingly fair amount of money, not a lot of other players to take away from jersey sales, a state government working to lower all my taxes. Nice places to store green money and an emerging tech sector, which should be getting good for the evolving Bitcoin and cryptocurrency markets. Great place.”

Los Angeles Chargers v Houston Texans
Maybe the last time he can claim the low state tax rates for his salary?
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

“Still, the NFL is a business, and we will just have to see where this all leads.”

When David Culley was asked about his preparations for the season finale, he seemed a bit stressed and focused. “Every game is a fight. We will be fighting on every play and every tackle. We are playing as though our jobs, our very livelihoods, are on the line. All this talk about mailing it in, leaving the cars running. NOT ON MY WATCH!!! We will be working 24/7 until Sunday. We will meet our goal of having a winning record in the division. We will sweep the ex-Oilers!!!”

After this rousing speech, our reporter, who seemed ready to suit up and hit some players, offered “So, Coach, how do you plan to carry over this enthusiasm and fire into the off-season?”

This seemed to catch Culley off-guard “Off-season, what do you mean?”

“Well Coach, according to reports, the team plans to keep you around for next season.”

Los Angeles Chargers v Houston Texans
Will he still be this intense come Sunday, knowing what the future holds?
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

“Oh, really,” Coach Culley took a thoughtful tact. “Well, in the case, excuse me” and Coach Culley went off to make a call.

“Hey Lovie. Yeah, you know what, let’s scrap those Friday and Saturday meetings. Yeah, I think we should just go with that big George Romero marathon I was proposing a few weeks ago. Nah, we’ll be fine for Sunday. What…what changed? Oh, just had a different thought. Anyway, get Tim to come along. Should be a good time.”

So, come what may, the Texans wrap up the 2021-2022 season Sunday against Tennessee. What happens after that, we shall see.