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TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: The Houston Texans...the Source of the Newest Recognized Constant?

The win at Jacksonville may have ramifications in the standings..and in the halls of academia.

Houston Texans v Jacksonville Jaguars Photo by Courtney Culbreath/Getty Images

HOUSTON – The Houston Texans enter into a bye week fresh off their first victory of the season, a 13-6 victory over the significantly favored Jacksonville Jaguars. While it was only the 1st victory of the season, victories over Jacksonville are not all that uncommon.

“They were favored by 7 over us?” scoffed Brandon Cooks? “Who thought that they would be at least a touchdown better than us? Ok, yeah, they got off to a good start. Still, come on!?!. They are still the Jags, and we are the Texans. You knew how this was going to end. We did. They did. I bet even Cal knew that.”

“Actually, I didn’t know that. I was so worried when I heard that we weren’t supposed to win. I was so, so upset. But then the game started…that and some reassuring talk from Nick [Caserio] and some therapeutic grilling of chicken fillets, and I was good. Glad to see that we ultimately did what we always did. Win. Wanted to celebrate with Nick and Jack, but for some reason, Jack was indisposed. Heard something about a reaction to my cooking. I thought he said that he wanted his chicken breasts rare. Go figure” stated Texans CEO Cal McNair.

Cal: “Looked good to me. I mean, I had the lasagna, but still...”

Gastrointestinal issues notwithstanding, the Texans will not take a win for granted, but they are particularly shocked by their level of success against Jacksonville. “Practically a constant at this point” observed rookie defensive tackle Thomas Booker. “Back at Stanford, in my physics classes, we learned a lot about constants. The speed of light, the speed of acceleration from gravity on Earth…those type of things. In a contest between two teams, where chance and variances can dominate on any given day at any given time, you would expect a more diverse set of outcomes. Yet, when the Texans and Jaguars play, it is almost always comes out with a Texans’ win. I actually put in a call to an old professor about creating a new constant for NFL contests: the Toro. The is the constant that for any standings tracker, for use in all newspapers and sports book. The Toro, when placed next to the Texans in any standings tracker reflects the surety of 2 win guaranteed wins against Jacksonville.”

NFL: AUG 19 Preseason - Texans at Rams
When Booker is not coming up with new formulas and redefining calculations...
Photo by Brian Rothmuller/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

“For example, if we were to update, say wagering [psst…Draft Kings…this is your cue to pay beaucoup money for a incredibly shameless plug here] on win projections for the Texans, it should reflect say 2.5(Toro). That way, the betting public will know that all projections are accounting for the constant of Houston beating Jacksonville.” explained Booker as if he had just finished a mid-term exam.

“The [Easterby] would we need to have a constant? Put up a [Easterby] symbol when all we need to do is just reflect the number of wins expected?” groused long snapper Jon Weeks.

“Oh, don’t mind him” Booker casually replied. “He is still coming to grips with the whole-The-Earth-Is-Not-The-Center-Of-The-Universe thing. Keeps going on about how much [Easterby] Newtonian physics is.”

“Uh? What? What are you saying?” Weeks retorted.

“You heard me old man. Turn on your hearing aids.” Booker retorted. He did not stick around to offer further insights into the Toro, as Weeks offered a practical demonstration of the quadratic equation, launching his rocking chair on an arc trajectory towards Booker’s head.

At first, we at Totally Not Fake News found this a little…strange. A Toro symbol to take its place among the other great constants, like pi, the c for the speed of light? Yet, we gave it some thought, and the facts bear it out. The Texans have won 9 straight matchups against the Jags, and 15 of the last 17 encounters. Thus, we must agree with young Booker here. The Toro constant shall heretofore be applied to all stat-books and records.

Thus, when the Jags pay a visit to Houston later in the season, with the Toro constant, the only thing to watch for in that game will be the margin of victory, and the betting line will only need reflect the spread and over/under.

“Hey, I’m all for it” noted Texans mascot Toro. We caught up with him in the Texans weight room, as he completed yet another set of leg presses. “I mean, I am the constant of this franchise. I constantly oversee the [Easterby]-whipping of the Glitter house-kitties. I am as constant as the Northern Star, I am…oh, sorry. Was starting to sound like Eddie George there. Anyway, seeing me, a numerical constant, that is quite the honor.”

Immediately, Toro jumped from the leg press to resume some barbell squats. In fact, our reporters noted that Toro was spending a lot of time working on his legs. Our new reporter could only lamely joke “Guess you don’t skip leg day then?”

Indianapolis Colts v Houston Texans
Does this look like a bull that would skip leg day?No it does not.
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

At this point, the jovial blue bull turned steaming red and glared at our reporter with a stern expression few had seen and lived to tell about. “You bet your scrawny little [Easterby] I will be working the [Easterby] out of my legs! Look at them rounds! Grade A! LOOK AT THEM!!!”

When asked why so passionate about his legs all of sudden, Toro continued his serious gaze. “I can’t be the constant force and dominator of all NFL mascots without putting in the work, especially compared to that fat cat in Jacksonville. Sheesh, for being so near the beach and all, he really doesn’t care about that beach body. Yet, it is not the gut that scares me. You heard about what happened to my boy Poe, right?”

NFL: AUG 12 Preseason - Browns at Jaguars
This guy, on the other hand, doesn’t skip any meals...
Photo by David Rosenblum/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

“The Baltimore mascot who got injured in the preseason?”

“Yes, that dumb[Easterby]. A “drumstick” injury. Have you seen how scrawny his legs are? I kept telling that [Easterby]-for-brains that you have to do some leg workouts. Can’t be all about the chest and back. Of course, his reply, ‘Chicks, literal chicks, dig the chest, man!’ Such a waste. Probably all those Old Bay supplement shakes he was taking...I don’t know. Still, if I am to be the constant brahma bull of the NFL, I can’t afford to show weakness, especially the legs.”

Now this bird, on the other can see the potential drumstick problems.

With that, our intrepid reporter moved on, allowing Toro to continue working those rounds. Whether the Texans get the Toro as an approved constant for mathematical and athletic purposes remains to be seen. Until then, the team will enjoy the week off, gearing up for the second part of the season the following week. Yet, we at Totally Not Fake News will continue to keep you, the reading public, informed of all the key news and events.