RECAP: Chargers 34, Texans 24: Texans Set Season-High Scoring Record Against Chargers

Historically, I try not to overreact to any Houston Texans game in the first four weeks of the season. Why? Because in my opinion, anything less than four games is not really enough information to paint a complete picture on what we should expect from the Texans for the season.

We have four games now to pull from. This is enough.

In four games now, your Houston Texans have:

• Gone 0-3-1
• Scored no more than 24 points in a single game
• Only scored seven points in the fourth quarter
• Given up 93 points compared to the Texans’ 73 points
• Surrendered 1,284 yards compared to the Texans’ 911 yards (the gap mostly caused by the gulf between the Texans’ rushing offense and literally every other team’s offense

In short, this is not good.

That’s the bad news.

The good news is this season doesn’t matter and has never mattered. Anyone that has followed this team for any length of time, and certainly all us die-hards, knew in advance that this was going to be a lost season. The offense is stagnant. Davis Mills is not good at his job, and Dameon Pierce is still losing carries, somehow, to Rex [kitten]ing Burkhead.

This is not good work. If this is what we can expect from the Houston Texans in the future, then I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a competent front office. This is the kind of [kitten] you’d expect from an office temp who had no idea what he was doing (or Jack Easterby, but I repeat myself).

The game got off on the right foot when Davis Mills threw the most beautifully stupid interception I might have ever seen on the Texans’ first drive of the game. If you had turned into the game the moment before the pick, you would be hard-pressed to say whether Mills intended to throw it directly to Nasir Adderley, who returned the pick 30 yards, or not.

That pick led directly to a Los Angeles Chargers of San Diego touchdown early in the first, putting the Texans down 7-0.

Two drives later, the Texans would stall out and attempt a 46-yard field goal, only to see the ball careen wide, and I do mean WIDE, left. It was like Fairbairn was dared to miss it in the stupidest possible way and boy did he collect on that dare. The only way his kick would have gone through would have been if someone had suspended all the known laws of physics (and a few of the ones we don’t even know about) to make that kick go straight.

It was 7-0 after that, but that was enough to deflate the fanbase into expecting another bad day at the office for the Texans.

The Chargers scored on their next two drives, going up 21-0, and at this point, dear Texan fan, you would be forgiven for thinking this game was going to end with a donut next to the Texans name, but Dameon Pierce, who ran the ball 14 times for 131 yards and a touchdown, got that touchdown on this drive where he went untouched for 75 yards for the score.

The Chargers would go on to tack on two more field goals before the end of the half, leading to a score of 24-7.

The score would remain that way until midway through the third, when the Texans, possibly by accident, scored a passing touchdown from Mills to Rex Burkhead, because we obviously cannot get enough of Rex Burkhead in our live, am I right or am I right?

The most shocking part of this game was the fact that, to their only credit, the Texans did attempt to claw back into this game. And they were close, too, after the Burkhead passing TD, the Texans got another passing touchdown; this time to an actual wide receiver, Brandin Cooks. It’s the first time this season where the Texans have scored a passing touchdown with a wide receiver catching the ball instead of a running back or a tight end.

I want to state this again because it sounds vaguely important. In the four games the Texans have played, it has taken ~230 minutes for Davis Mills to throw a touchdown to Brandin Cooks. I’m sure this is not a bad thing, taking most of four games to finally complete a TD to your top receiver.

Then a break, the Chargers fumble the ball and the Texans recovered at the Chargers’ 16-yard line. Sweet, easy space to land a touchdown right?

If that was your first thought, you have not been paying attention to Houston Texans football. This was only good enough to get Fairbairn in position for a field goal even he couldn’t screw up. The Chargers lead 27-24 at this point.

“Pretty close game, the Texans might even have a chance here.”

Again, if you thought this at any point, you have not been paying attention.

At this point, the Chargers went on a six-minute, soul-crushing drive, resulting in an Austin Ekeler touchdown pass to put the Chargers up 34-24.

And that is how the game would end.

Ugly, stupid, funny. It had all the hallmarks of a Houston Texans football game.

But you know what? None of it matters.

None of it matters because we knew this season would be bad, and the best part about this game is that it’s in the past and we’re only 13 games away from the draft.

If you’re looking for optimism, that’s going to have to do it for you from me. Because this is what we have to expect from the Texans, based on the data we’ve gotten from them so far this season.

We Need To Talk About...

Ka’imi Fairbairn - What the literal [kitten] was that kick? I hope that someone got a hand on that to send it that far off line. Because if that was entirely on Fairbairn, that should be the last kick he makes as a Houston Texan. I’m on board the idea of going for it on fourth down from here on out, irrespective of where on the field the team is. This is not good and he should not be a part of the Texans’ future.

Davis Mills - No. I still don’t want to talk about that interception. I still don’t want to talk about how he locks eyes on the first receiver he sees and Durga help us if he’s covered. Or not covered. Or nowhere in the vicinity of catching the ball. This guy is not the answer. He’s at best a career backup.

Dameon Pierce - 16 carries for 131 yards and a touchdown and we still have to use Rex Burkhead, I guess, huh? Pierce is the only bright light of this offense and it’s constantly being shaded by the incessant, and possibly insane, use of Rex Burkhead in important down and distance situations.

So What Have We Learned Today?

• This Houston Texans team is going to be so, so bad this year. Their rush defense alone will cost this team several games this season, bet on it. Per ESPN, the Texans have given up 688 rushing yards compared to the Texans’ 425 on the season.
• Somehow, the Texans this year might be even worse than last year’s team. And last year’s team was bottom of the barrel. There’s a non-zero chance this team could go unwinfeated for the first time in franchise history (more records!).
• Dameon Pierce is a bad, baaaaaaaaaad man and we should be thankful to have him.

The Texans’ next game is in Jacksonville against the suddenly troublesome Jaguars. See y’all then!