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BRB Power Rankings: Week 5 - Are Texans Last?

Bills, Vikings, Falcons rise; Rams, Buccaneers, Colts fall.

Los Angeles Chargers v Houston Texans Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Welcome back to my crazyyyy Power Rankings!!! Now that the Texans are the only winless team left the in the NFL, my nightmares have come true, and the ghosts of my fandom have begun to haunt me! Since the calendar has been peeled to reveal October, a sharp chill occasionally visits my shoulders, whispers in the wind of:

How can be you be a fan and rank them that low?

Why try and put fandom aside?

Followed by echoes:

Why put them anywhere else but last?

How did you justify raising them to #31????

Well, I’m glad you asked! See, I can’t act like I haven’t heard these voices clashing against each other, challenging the conceptions of what “power rankings” really mean, or what I make to mean. In making a pure best-to-worst list of NFL teams, objectivity is paramount to making a list to be relied upon. But, when comparing 32 different football teams, it’s inevitable that some victories and losses will mean more than others based on my subjective judgement on the quality of opponent. That’s why, even though the Jaguars lost, I still raised them in my rankings - challenging, but subsequently losing to the best team in the football likely means their better than plenty other middling teams.

This is exactly why I pushed the Texans over the Carolina Panthers into the coveted #31 position. The Texans are the only winless team in the league, but their overall performance against the Los Angeles Chargers and Chicago Bears expresses more competent play from elements of the defense and passing game than the terrible Carolina Panthers. Likewise, even though the Chargers played well to win this game, a 4th quarter collapse against a team that had yet to score any points in the final 15 minutes of a game this season is enough embarrassment to knock them down a few pegs.

NFL: Los Angeles Chargers at Houston Texans Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Here are my rankings entering Week 5:

  1. Philadelphia Eagles (4-0) (Last Week: 1) - The Jaguars tested them, but that only lasted for a quarter of the game.

2. Buffalo Bills (3-1) (Last Week: 3) - A few plays away from 2-2, the Bills got championship-caliber clutch plays from their defense and offense in the final minutes, somehow stealing a victory from Baltimore.

3. Miami Dolphins (3-1) (Last Week: 2) - After Tua Tagovailoa scary injury agains the Bengals Thursday, he has been ruled out against the Jets this coming Sunday. The Dolphins are currently under investigation relating to both this injury Tua’s “back injury” against the Bills in Week 2, which has already led to the firing of the unaffiliated neurotrauma consultant who cleared him.

4. Kansas City Chiefs (3-1) (Last Week: 5) - A big loss to the Colts is promptly followed by a big win against the Buccaneers. So, is the Chiefs offense fixed? Well, when running backs Clyde Edwards-Helaire and rookie Isiah Pacheco are making plays for the offense, it’s more than fixed!

5. Green Bay Packers (3-1) (Last Week: 6) - I have no idea how Aaron Rodgers was able to beat Bailey Zappe. The Packers will not be winning a Super Bowl if they have to face Bailey Zappe again.

6. Baltimore Ravens (2-2) (Last Week: 7) - Lamar Jackson is still pretty amazing, but it’s clear the Ravens need to give him a little more help in order to secure victory. Even then, 4th and Goal at the Buffalo 2 yard-line is usually guaranteed points with him in the backfield, Buffalo just made some really great plays.

7. Minnesota Vikings (3-1) (Last Week: 10) - The double-doing in London rang aloud for all to hear, and the Vikings sideline erupted once more as they remain undefeated in England.

8. Los Angeles Rams (2-2) (Last Week: 4) - What a big loss to the 49ers! This Cooper Krupp/Allen Robinson thing isn’t going as planned.

9. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2) (Last Week: 11) - Victory in the Bengals first white-out game against a hot Dolphins team is a good way to get back on track and into AFC contention.

10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-2) (Last Week: 8) - Losing to Patrick Mahomes and then reportedly hiring divorce lawyers is not the greatest way to start off your week for Tom Brady.

11. Los Angeles Chargers (2-2) (Last Week: 9) - Justin Herbert started this game, and he tried to finish it early. But, despite their best efforts, the Chargers leave Houston with a victory.

12. San Francisco 49ers (2-2) (Last Week: 13) - Kyle Shannahan is now up to seven straight in the regular season vs. Sean McVay. While McVay has earned some excuses by, uh, winning the Super Bowl, losses this consistent will quickly serve to bite them in the end - like it did in 2019.

13. Tennessee Titans (2-2) (Last Week: 14) - Derrick Henry looked fantastic agains the Colts, who may just be worse than the Texans.

14. Denver Broncos (2-2) (Last Week: 12) - While the Russell Wilson Offense is looking better, it’s still not looking great. Now, with running back Javonte Williams out for the year with a torn ACL, there’ll be much more pressure to get it right fast.

15. Arizona Cardinals (2-2) (Last Week: 18) - Kyler Murray is still really good at playing football, and his connection to Marquise Brown is already paying dividends.

16. Dallas Cowboys (3-1) (Last Week: 21) - Potentially going undefeated with Cooper Rush is a pretty hilarious way to start the season, but one the Cowboys might have actually needed to stay in the playoff race in a suddenly challenging NFC East.

17. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2) (Last Week: 22) - Giving a scare to the mighty Eagles is worth something, especially when this is starting to appear like a season where things really start to turn for the better.

18. New York Giants (3-1) (Last Week: 19) - Another game with the Giants and Bears where the quarterbacks where doing about as much running as they were passing. This time, Saquon Barkley was the most effective player taking snaps.

19. Cleveland Browns (2-2) (Last Week: 16) - The Browns got shredded along the line in this game, which is the kind of football they need to be winning all the time in order to secure victory.

20. Las Vegas Raiders (1-3) (Last Week: 20) - Going 0-4 to start the season is something I don’t think anyone would have expected from the Raiders after getting Davante Adams. But, 1-3 isn’t much better.

21. New Orleans Saints (1-3) (Last Week: 15) - Andy Dalton looked adequate for the Saints, and should probably remain the starter until Winston is fully healthy. But, the Saints shouldn’t have to bet on back-to-back 60-yard field goals in order to hang in games.

22. Atlanta Falcons (2-2) (Last Week: 26) - The Falcons are getting offensive production from everyone on their team. Tyler Allgeier and Caleb Huntley both having breakout performances running the football was quite the strange surprise, but a testament to their offensive line.

23. Seattle Seahawks (2-2) (Last Week: 28) - Geno Smith, one month into the 2022 NFL season, is statistically one of the best quarterbacks in the league.

24. Detroit Lions (1-3) (Last Week: 17) - Scoring 45 is pretty cool, but not when it means giving up 48.

25. Chicago Bears (2-2) (Last Week: 23) - At this point, even with all the problems on offense, Justin Fields should be far better.

26. New England Patriots (1-3) (Last Week: 29) - Nearly beating the Packers at Lambeau field with Bailey Zappe is a pretty amazing feat, but still a loss in a crowded division/wildcard race that the Patriots are now trailing.

27. Indianapolis Colts (1-2-1) (Last Week: 24) - The Colts have gotten used to losing the Titans in recent history, but that doesn’t make it sting any less.

28. New York Jets (2-2) (Last Week: 31) - A big win for the Jets as Zach Wilson uses his first game back from injury to outshine the #1 QB taken in this year’s draft.

29. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-3) (Last Week: 25) - The Steelers finally moved on from Mitchell Trubisky and were immediately moving the ball downfield with rookie quarterback Kenny Pickett. Kenny Pickett is now the starter, and Pittsburgh can finally try and get a offense loaded with playmakers moving - just in time for Buffalo.

30. Washington Commanders (1-3) (Last Week: 27) - Carson Wentz is still bad, and this defense is still somehow this bad. I don’t know how Ron Rivera doesn’t get fired by the end of the season, pending a miraculous comeback.

31. Houston Texans (0-3-1) (Last Week: 32) - We’re going up! Davis Mills was still really disappointing and the reason we lost this game, but at least he’s not Baker Mayfield!

32. Carolina Panthers (1-3) (Last Week: 30) - I can’t believe in 2022 I’m actually preferring Davis Mills over Baker Mayfield. How quickly things can change.

I know moving the Texans up from last place doesn’t make much sense, but, like the ghost said: Why try and put fandom aside?

Check out this throw from Davis Mills, don’t look at any other throws from this game ever:

On Sunday, the Texans will travel to Jacksonville to face the Jaguars at 12:00PM (CST), and Davis Mills will need to improve on last week’s performance if he wants to finally win. See you then!

Follow me on Twitter: @FizzyJoe

Los Angeles Chargers v Houston Texans Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images