HOUSTON – For the Houston Texans, the season has not exactly gone the way they wished. Despite a spirited comeback attempt, the Texans fell 34-24 to the San Diego, no, wait, the Los Angeles, no, wait, San Dieg….ok, we have it now…the Los Angeles Chargers of the State of the California bordering the Pacific Ocean. This is the team’s third straight loss and fourth straight non-winning effort. Still, the head coach did not seem unduly burdened.
“We’re cool. It is a long season. The kids will come around. It’s fine. It’s fine. Everything fine. We’re all fine here. How are you?” Coach Lovie Smith opined
Our reporter noted that Coach Smith seemed calm and collective, noting a lack of any significant emotion on his face.
“Don’t be fooled, man” an unnamed player commented. “He’s not happy. Not. One. Bit. Losing three straight, especially in Chicago to a quarterback he thinks is worse than Rex Grossman…oh, he is not happy.”
Our reporter followed up “What, did he yell and scream in team meetings? Did he throw chairs? Did he launch the team bibles at offending players for their errors in the film sessions?”
“What? [Easterby], no! Nothing like that. It was about three deep, disappointed full-shouldered sighs, followed by a straight-ahead boring stare into the soul of an offending player, and then he just says ‘Do better next time, ok?’ Threw a lot of guys for a loop.”
“Can’t recall ever seeing him that ticked off. The way he pursed his lips after [starting QB Davis] Mills’ second pick…that’s like your standard Acme coach going thermo-nuclear. It gave some of the guys the shakes.” This was reinforced with the unnamed player then doing a full-body shiver while making a head-shaking noise.
Other players had their own takes on the game. “Let’s see here. What could we possibly due to improve our chances for victory? Well, I know that I had 131 yards rushing, including that nice little 75 yard run where I outran and outmuscled that other team. Did that on all of…14 carries…14 carries. Gee, imagine if they gave me the ball 20, or even, 25 times a game? Then again, what do I know? I’m only a fourth round rookie” noted Texans running back Dameon Pierce.
“Yeah, you’re only going to get taken seriously around here if you are a sixth round QB pick. Since we don’t have any of those on the roster…not gonna happen” chimed in Kyle Allen, who apparently is actually on the roster as a QB. This caught a lot of guys off-guard.
“Hey, wait a minute…I AM A SIXTH ROUND DRAFT PICK…AND I PLAY QUARTERBACK!!! You want to improve the offense? I got a surefire way…”exalted Jeff Driskel, or at least he was about to before he was once again knocked out by a well-timed swing of a Texans’ Bible from an unidentified, bearded coach.
While Driskel recovers from his second religiously-inspired concussion in as many weeks, we thought we would ask Pharaoh Brown if he had any advise. However, he was taking the last helo out before the next engagement.
“Man, there is just no pleasing you people!” lamented offensive coordinator Pep Hamilton. “Up until last week, all I heard about was:
- ‘Why can’t we score in the fourth quarter?’
- ‘Why can’t you do anything with Davis Mills in the fourth quarter?’
- ‘How do you still have a job?’
- ‘You suck!’
- ‘Can we have a minute to talk to you about the extended warranty on your vehicle?’
Well, contrary to what most coaches say, I do listen to some outside voices. So, I talked it over with Lovie and [Special teams coach] Frank [Ross]. I was all ‘Hey, remember in the pre-season, when we had all of those great comeback wins?’ Yes, I know that it was against guys collecting unemployment right now, but still, it worked. Figured we needed to go back to that. So, we implemented our preseason strategy, whereby we hold on against the opposing starters until they wear down, sub in the backups, or just get overconfident. Then we strike with offensive fury and aggressiveness. Nearly pulled off too, if our _efense could, you know, actually play _efense. In fact, until they do, they are just the _efense. They don’t have any “D”. Get it, Lovie? Get it?”
When Hamilton looked over to Coach Smith, Pep’s [Easterby]-eating grin immediately faded, as it looked into the calm, serene eyes of the head coach. It may or may not helped that Coach Smith with holding a copy of the Team Bible cocked and ready to swing with the fury of several Yordan Alvarez-type home run swings. Hamilton immediately back-peddled, “Well, when I say ‘_efense’ I am of course directly quoting what starting QB Davis Mills said about the _efense in our QB meetings.”
“Nu-uh! No I didn’t!!! NO I DIDN”T!!!! PLEASE, COACH!!! PLEASE DON”T DO TO ME WHAT YOU DID TO JEFF DRISKEL!!!! PLEASE!!!!” wailed the starting QB.
At this point, our beat reporter immediately sprinted away. Whether it was because he feared any fallout or gore from Lovie Smith’s connecting with the Bible on the Mills’ head, or that he was tired of seeing a grown QB crying and staggering around like a drunk giraffe, we’ll never know.
One could sense increased stress at the Texans offices, especially when they received word that odds-makers had Jacksonville favored by seven in the upcoming game. “Jacksonville? Wait, they aren’t the guaranteed win anymore? But, but, I thought that we were always granted at least two wins every year from the NFL. That’s what Mr. Jack told me.” bemoaned team CEO Cal McNair. “Wait, you’re telling me that…that we might not win that game? That we might not win a game AT ALL?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! JACK!!!!! YOU LYING [Too many expletive deletes to account for here]!!!”
“Great! Just [Easterby] great!!!” roared Texans GM Nick Caserio, who seemed annoyed to be pulled away from his YouTube viewing. “Now I’m going to be spending all week trying to calm Cal down, and admonishing Jack once again for coddling him. As if I didn’t have enough things to worry about…when does this season end? January??? Uh, I’ll never make it, no thanks to you [Easterbys] from whatever news organization you represent. Wait, you want a quote? Fine:
‘We are on to Jacksonville’
“Now get the [Easterby] out of here!!!”
Hopefully, the Texans will get it together with a minimum of tears, concussions and blood before their big game against division leading Jacksonville. Perhaps this time, the team will complete the comeback? If they do…or if they do not, Totally Not Fake News will be there to report on all the comings and goings.