TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: The Texans -Playing in the Present, but Thinking of the Future

HOUSTON – At the time of this writing, the Houston Texans, fresh off their mini-bye, are eager to get on with the goal of rebounding from their seventh non-winning performance of the season. While the team officially has the inside position for the #1 pick in the draft after their loss to the Philadelphia Eagles and the Detroit Lions defeating the struggling Green Bay Packers, most of the current Texans’ roster, while not super-excited about their current situation, is also not too discouraged either. “Hey, we take it game by game. We did some good things in that matchup against Philadelphia, and we hope to carry that forward in the next matchup” noted Head Coach Lovie Smith.

“Yeah, emphasis on the word ‘carry’!” chortled Dameon Pierce. “27 carries for 139 yards. Notice how when I run more, good things happen? Can you imagine if I got, oh, I don’t know, 32 carries, like that beast from Nashville? Of course, the team just had to throw the ball, didn’t they? Had to make David Mills feel good, didn’t they? I thought I left offensive dysfunction back at Florida, but oh no, I had to come to the one team that reminded me all too much of my last college season. At least they are smart enough to use me here in Houston.”

Photo by Cooper Neill/Getty Images

Houston QB Davis Mills was within earshot of the rookie’s remarks, but all he could do was look, quiver his lips, and then put his head down and mope away.

“Rookies. Give ‘em a little success, and they think they own the world” grimaced Jon Weeks. “Seen it before. Will keep seeing in the future. At least he ain’t like the drama queen receiver. Thought I saw him back at practice. All mad about not gettin’ the trade he felt he was deserved. Of course, I’m not the one who signed a near un-tradeable contract, but what do I know?”

We didn’t get any follow up from Weeks, but in completely unrelated news, WR Brandin Cooks was back at practice. When asked about the previous week and what happened with his non-trade/missing the game against the Eagles, our sources only got the following: “Whatever. They paying me $18M guaranteed money, I’ll show up and catch a couple of balls. Good money if you can get it.”

When asked about how he will re-integrate into the offense after last week, Cooks only shrugged: “Whatever. They paying me $18M guaranteed money. I’ll be fine.”

Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

Yet, as the team currently looks to play out the string—er, compete in the second half of the season, next gearing up for the New Jersey Giants of the-Meadowlands-but-Really-Just-Outside-of-Newark-but-Within-Visual-Range-of-the-Skyscrapers-of-New-York-City-Thus-We-Call-Them-A-New-York-Team-Even-Though-They-Haven’t-Played-Inside-NY-City-Limits-In-Nearly-50-Years-and-No-Way-in-[Easterby]-Will-NYC-Incorporate-Any-Part-of-New-Jersey. At present, we have no word as to whether the New Jersey GM and owner successfully altered the contract of Saquon Barkley to reduce the bonuses he might get for setting individual and franchise rushing records in this game. Regardless of the status of the New Jersey NFC team, the Texans are always trying to look to the future.

With the Texans in the pole position for the #1 pick in the draft, GM Nick Caserio has only intensified his social media and internet research of certain players. Those players, focused as they are on their college careers, are also aware they are likely auditioning for teams like Houston. They are performing accordingly, as evidenced by their most recent games:

• Ohio State QB CJ Stroud: 10-26 for 76 yards, 0 TDs against 1-7 Northwestern;
• Alabama QB Bryce Young: 25-51 for 328 yards, 1 TD and 1 WT[E] type goal-line interception in a 32-31 loss at LSU;
• Alabama LB Will Anderson: 2 tackles, 1 sack as part of a defense that surrendered over 367 yards and 32 points to a lower-ranked LSU;
• Kentucky QB Will Levis: 13-19 for 170 yards, 3 TDs, 7 rushes for -36 yards against a mediocre Missouri team in a 21-17 win.

“Eh, you can’t win them all, but when I heard that Houston was on the lookout for our performances, we wanted to make sure that they (Houston) Texans saw everything: roses, warts, especially the big, glaring warts, and took all of that into consideration. I mean, I wouldn’t want them to make a bad, rash decision, which could be bad for me, er, I mean, them.” One unnamed highly recruited draft prospect indicated.

The Houston GM, however, did not seemed fazed.

“Oh, we will look at the whole body of work, and we will get the players that will help bring the championship to Houston. They will come. Like they have any choice. Going to Canada? I think not.”

Speaking of championships, the city of Houston was in particularly great spirits with the Houston Astros clinching their second World Championship in six years. With over two million Houstonians crowding downtown to celebrate the parade, the performance of those Astros seemed to motivate Cal McNair. Caserio could only sigh:

“Oh yes…I have heard a lot from Mr. McNair. A. Lot. From. Mr. McNair. He keeps going on, and on, and on about how we should emulate the model for the Astros success. I tell him that we are pretty much doing that anyway, tearing down the team and loading up on high draft picks to try to build up a contender. (Cal) didn’t seem to get that particular reference. He was big on focusing on specifically how the Astros succeeded this post-season, with dominant pitching and defense. I told him we are working on the defense. Didn’t you see who we drafted? Yet, he once against didn’t catch my drift.

The CEO is so fixated on pitching, getting the most quality arms possible. He is actually asking me to try to draft about 3-4 quarterbacks. three to four!!!! Look, one is clearly a focus, and maybe we get another one later in the draft for depth, but he wants to go full throttle on that. No matter how many times I tell him, he is all ‘Need a deep bench of good arms. Especially for our closer in the fourth quarter. If we are going to get the saves, er, wins, we need a well-stocked arm pen of QBs. After all, quarterbacks throw, which is another way of saying ‘pitch’ and ‘good pitching beats good hitting’, and the more quality arms we have, the better we are gonna be.It’s working for that arrogant [Easterby] (Jim) Crane, so I want to match, if not, beat him.’”

Caserio then interjected:

‘Gee, with that unassailable logic, you’ll want me to make a big free agent offer to Aaron Judge as well, right?’ was my reply, with as much sarcasm as I could muster…and you know what the son of a [Easterby] did…without missing a [Easterby] beat…he said ‘Do it! He’ll make a great offensive weapon along with Pierce.’…ya know, there are sometimes I long for the easy life in New England…”

Caserio was rubbing his temples as if warding off a massive headache, went he received a text…his face went from mild interest, to intense concentration…to out-and-out fury “Are you [Easterby] kidding me??? That mother[Easterby] won’t leave well enough alone…”

We at Totally Not Fake News were able to obtain the verbiage of the offending text:

“Hey, Nick…Nick, please listen to me. You can still do it. You can still bring in the Chosen One. The Colts, of all teams, showed us the way. Fire that big meanie Lovie, and bring HIM in as the interim coach. Do it…do it for me, and for the Word. It will work…you must listen to me. This will validate me!!! YOU MUST!!!! TAKE ME BACK!!! LET ME BACK IN, NICK!!!!! DON”T ABANDON ME!!! NIIIIICCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!”

Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

No word if Caserio will take the advise of either the CEO or the strange vagrant sending random texts. However, as the Texans prep for the NFC representative from New Jersey, we at Totally Not Fake News will give you the latest and greatest in updates.