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HAIR OF THE DOG WEEK 10: Houston Texans @ The New York Football Giants of New Jersey

Regardless of where the Home Team was Based, the Texans Still Lost as the Road Team

Houston Texans v New York Giants Photo by Dustin Satloff/Getty Images

One of the more intriguing stories of the 2022 NFL season to this point is the surprising start of the Giants. Under the highly coveted offensive coordinator Brian Daboll, the Giants are actually winning games. Saquon Barkley, in a contract year, is healthy and running as well as he ever has. Daniel Jones is no longer a liability. The defense is playing solidly and they are winning the close games that they have typically lost the past few seasons.

Yet, are they really good, or just lucky and the beneficiary of a favorable schedule? They lost to the Cowboys and they still have to face the Eagles. I am not sure I would book those Super Bowl tickets if you cheer for the Giants just yet. However, there is one thing we do know for certain...they were the superior team to the Houston Texans on Sunday. As for the Texans, there are no questions about them...they have a solid hold of the #1 slot in the NFL Draft. Now, who they should/will pick with that prime draft position...now you’re talking about some real questions/debate.

As always, your Battle Red Blog Masthead had their real-time thoughts about this game. In classic HOTD tradition, we have replaced all swear words with [KITTEN]. Again, looking out for those of you who are taking a break from checking on Mid-Term Elections results/re-watching highlights from the Houston AstrosWorld Series run/Championship Parade while at the office.

With that, on to the ‘Dog.

bigfatdrunk

I am very specifically playing Wan’Dale Robinson and Julian Love against the Texans today.

vballretired

Funny, I am playing Robinson as well

vballretired

Mills is the same height as Jones until you get to the neck

vballretired

Yay! We get the ball. Nothing can go wrong!

Patrick

Well…at least it wasn’t a CHUM.

vballretired

This is an auspicious beginning

Patrick

Joe Davis is an unsettling looking [kitten]. Like we should be checking his backyard with ground penetrating sonar unsettling.

vballretired

Our offense is stuck in reverse.

Patrick

Oh, I may need to start drinking early today.

vballretired

You guys have blue laws?

Patrick

Honestly I don’t know. All I know is at BWW here the bar is very much open.

vballretired

That’s all that matters

Patrick

I mean if there are they must not apply to weed shops because those are open too.

vballretired

I don’t think we can even purchase beer until 10 and can’t purchase liquor at all

Very interesting pronunciation of Greenard there

GREEN Nerd was the go to there

Nice tackle by Owens. That was an extra 11 yards

Touchdown Giants

Patrick

Do y’all remember when we used to have methodical offensive drives that would bend the will of our opponents? I used to.

Nice job by that last guy to essentially push him into the end zone.

vballretired

That would be Pitre

Maybe his PFF scores make some sense

Patrick

I don’t know who came up with that new Burger King jingle but if I ever meet them, I’m going to punch them in the teeth.

I couldn’t sleep last night because it kept playing in my head.

vballretired

The gut is much better. It doesn’t leave a mark. It’s how we handle unruly students

TOUCHDOWN GIANTS, GIANTS LEAD 7-0

Kenneth L.

Vandermeer and Andre Ware were pissed about Pitre on that play

Patrick

Yeah but in the teeth is good and memorable.

vballretired

Stingley had a nice play before that

Patrick

Well it was like he was trying to help him into the end zone, so I’m not surprised.

Round two of the Davis Mills Experience begins.

vballretired

His tackling has been meh

No Pierce make Homer go something something

Patrick

I just looked this up, Washington repealed its blue laws back in 1966.

Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why would you throw that?

vballretired

Gee, must be nice

Patrick

Benefits of living in a very blue state.

vballretired

“If we go three and out, we are good”— David Culley

Patrick

So what you’re telling me is we’re imagining this team in a David Culley offense?

vballretired

We are winning the penalty battle and tied on turnovers

Maybe Pep Hamilton is Culley 2.0

Patrick

Maybe we’re thinking of this wrong and we should try and get David Shaw from St—I can’t even finish this joke.

Cashman? He’s not a name I remember.

vballretired

Free agent from the Jets

Very forgettable track record

Patrick

But you repeat yourself.

vballretired

I do that at work. I get used to it.

Nice throw

Intended for Joe Grass

corydlg

What do you make of people wanting to fire Lovie?!

vballretired

Who is saying that?

vballretired

I mean all three and out offense doesn’t exactly push against that

corydlg

We just have no talent offensively. Maybe two good players? Green and Pierce?

Patrick

This is the first I’m hearing of anyone wanting Lovie gone. If I had to guess it’s just people who don’t pay a ton of attention wanting the team to win and seeing Lovie as an impediment. That or they’re racists or something.

corydlg

Tunsil I suppose

bigfatdrunk

Lovie = Culley. Sacrificial lambs.

Lovie should have never been hired. That’s the problem.

Patrick

Pretty much. Lovie Smith was a marriage of convenience for the Texans.

vballretired

I think after the season it’s a point of discussion if you’re drafting a QB

corydlg

That racism lawsuit got him the job

Patrick

I don’t think he’ll last long but I don’t necessarily want him fired for anything he’s done on the field because it’s not his damn fault.

vballretired

Firing him now would do what exactly?

corydlg

Agreed

bigfatdrunk

Firing him now don’t do squat. Firing and replacing him before we draft is important. I think corydlg has brough that up before.

vballretired

If you had a good OC I could handle Lovie for another couple of years

Patrick

If this were a decently run organization, I would make a comparison to Mao’s Long March as a way to retreat in order to rebuild for another day, but this team does not have Mao Tze-Tung’s organizational skills.

vballretired

I think we are far from that

l4blitzer

More like Chiang Kai-Shek, without the backing of Time Magazine

bigfatdrunk

I see Davis Mills is still as worthless as ever.

vballretired

Seems like Clayton Williams running against Ann Richards

bigfatdrunk

Gotta go for it here, cowards.

Patrick

They’re gonna convert, aren’t they?

corydlg

Likely to

vballretired

They need the wind to go with their 13 OL offense

END OF 1st QUARTER: NJ GIANTS 7 - Houston 0

Patrick

LOL, they pulled a Texans.

bigfatdrunk

Embarrassing.

l4blitzer

Giants bailing us out…why?

bigfatdrunk

COWARDS

Patrick

I guess we don’t have the market cornered on screwups.

bigfatdrunk

What a stupid kittening decision there.

TEXANS POSSESSION

l4blitzer

Now, can the Texans get that first 1st down?

Patrick

You would think, if you were the Giants, looking at the Texans and not calling a run play on 4th and 6 would be malpractice as a football coach.

l4blitzer

GLORY, GLORY…A First Down

Patrick

In Pierce We Trust. All others pay cash

That was [KITTEN]in’ beautiful.

Kenneth L.

Look at pierce

l4blitzer

This running the football thing is good. let’s keep at, shall we?

bigfatdrunk

Well, we can’t throw the ball, so why not?

l4blitzer

Oh, there you go again…throwing the football…

Patrick

Well [KITTEN].

bigfatdrunk

There’s Mills’ lack of arm strength yet again.

Patrick

[DURGA] [KITTEN]ing [KITTEN] that throw.

l4blitzer

Hardly a safety back on that blitz…and surprisingly, Davis didn’t make them pay

Patrick

Just BARELY by the hair on his [KITTEN] made that field goal.

Kenneth L.

Is fairbairn the best kicker in Texas kicker

Patrick

Absolutely not.

For a spell there Neil Rackers was automatic, as I recall.

38 YARD TEXANS FG...JUUUUSSSTTT INSIDE THE LEFT UPRIGHT. HOBOKEN NY GIANTS 7 - TOO FIRMLY PLANTED IN HOUSTON TO PASS OFF TO PEARLAND TEXANS 3; 11:27, 2nd

bigfatdrunk

Kris Brown was great after his first year or two.

Patrick

Durga, a non-Shankopotamus Kris Brown-era All Field Goal Offense? Over whatever this is? Sign me up.

GIANTS POSSESSION

Patrick

Saquon Barkley is a bad, bad man

l4blitzer

Barkley (to Pierce): anything you can do, I can do better…

bigfatdrunk

OWENS!!!

Kenneth L.

Did I miss something?

bigfatdrunk

Yet another tackle after a 15+ yard gain.

Patrick

Sarcasm, Kenneth, sarcasm.

l4blitzer

Even the backups are getting 6-7 yards before contact…goodest run defense of all time

Although the Giants still gonna Giant (circa 2018-2021)

bigfatdrunk

The Giants’ playcalling is pretty bad. Way too conservative.

l4blitzer

Wait..our defense did something?

Patrick

WE GOT ONE!!!

bigfatdrunk

Good kitten, the Giants look terrible.

TEXANS POSSESSION AFTER AN EPIC 14 yard PUNT

l4blitzer

The Scottish Hammer…looks like he is trying to punt a caber vs an American football

bigfatdrunk

Their last two punts have netted, what 35 yards? Maybe punting so deep in your opponent’s territory is stupid?

Patrick

Especially against THIS team, that you should be reasonably sure will not be able to respond.

l4blitzer

Pierce just missed breaking a big one

Patrick

That was the funniest fumble I’ve ever seen.

bigfatdrunk

Well, at least it wasn’t Burkhead.

l4blitzer

It is just as well Daboll is already bald. He would have pulled all of his hair out by now

Giants with no respect for the Texans passing game at all.

Patrick

For good reason.

bigfatdrunk

Somebody has to be the team MVP, I guess.

bigfatdrunk

See the safety anticipate the snap count? Zero respect. Less than zero.

GIANTS POSSESSION AFTER A LEGIT TEXANS PUNT PINS THE NJ-NY GIANTS AT THE 3

Kenneth L.

Let’s see if the defense can get some pressure. Giants offensive line is good

bigfatdrunk

I haven’t had a McRib since high school (1988), and I continue to be befuddled by its existence.

Patrick

Yeah it’s having a farewell tour the way the Rolling Stones have had like 30 farewell tours.

Surprisingly good field position. Wonder how we’ll botch this.

TWO MINUTE WARNING

Kenneth L.

Why the hell is Jake freaking Hansen in at LB

l4blitzer

Well, they already flashed the stat that the Giants are 30th in 1st half points, so you can figure on them adding to it.

Patrick

GEESE!

I hope that cameraman was careful, those geese are [KITTEN]s.

l4blitzer

They would hit better than our linebackers right now

bigfatdrunk

We called a time out...to help the Giants???

Patrick

Lovie Smith felt it was the Christian thing to do.

Obviously.

l4blitzer

Bailing out the Giants…the Texans are such a charitable defense

bigfatdrunk

Uhhh, yeah, that’s pretty obvious.

Patrick

That was a “well, no [KITTEN]” holding call.

l4blitzer

Golladay hearing it from the NJ crowd..as he should

D may have held…

Patrick

Fourth and one and they’re punting. c’mon Giants, look at who you’re playing against.

TEXANS POSSESSION

Patrick

Dear Santa, for Christmas I want one of those helmet warmers. I don’t have any helmets but I do wear a lot of hats so that would be lovely, thank you.

bigfatdrunk

I’m so ready for the Davis Mills Two-Minute Experience. INT or fumble?

vballretired

7-3 might be an insurmountable lead. I get punting if I’m them. You think the Texans are scoring again?

l4blitzer

The way he is playing…it’ll be the ol’ 3 incompletes and out

Patrick

I think you mean “completions to John Turf.” Or “Joe Gr[KITTEN],” as VBall called him.

l4blitzer

Eh, that works as well

Why are we doubting the epic 4 of 10 for 16 yds performance?

bigfatdrunk

Oh, right! I forgot about Mills’ favorite receiver.

Patrick

Wait, how did the Texans GAIN five seconds in the game? Last I saw there were 49 seconds left in the half.

vballretired

Early halftime reflections: I refuse to think these offensive players are this bad. Without Pierce you don’t even have a first down. This team needs better coaching on offense. I’m okay letting Lovie stick around but this offensive staff needs to be blown up.

bigfatdrunk

It still amazes me, week in/week out, just how bad Mills is.

l4blitzer

Mills is having such a bad day, he isn’t on target with the INTs

vballretired

Clutch penalty

Kenneth L.

Tunsil did that on purpose

Patrick

Brandin “I just wanna win despite signing a two year extension with a team he should [DURGA][KITTEN] well know isn’t ready to win now” Cooks has checked into the game.

bigfatdrunk

At least three holds by the o-line on that play. Beautiful.

Mills is so bad. Just so bad.

vballretired

You hold on a sack it should be 20 yards

l4blitzer

Aw, man. Daboll taking away another opportunity for Mills and the offense to derp

Patrick

The world is so full of beauty and wonder.

GIANTS POSSESSION

vballretired

Notice Jones almost looks playable with real coaching though. Mills sucks but there are other kitteny quarterbacks in this league that look much better because they don’t have a clown show for an offensive staff

Patrick

The defense did a thing?

vballretired

Jerry Hughes with a meaningless sack

HUGHES WITH A SACK...AND THUS THE HALF ENDS: GIANTS 7 - TEXANS 3

Patrick

New rule: every Texans coach from here on out must grow a beautiful Lovie Smith-style beard. Can I get a second?

HALFTIME REACTIONS

bigfatdrunk

We don’t need guys to be good pros. We need guys to be good football players, FKS.

PLUS, if we need guys like Hughes and Burkhead so badly, WTK do we even have a coaching staff?

I’m so kittening sick and tired of the slobbering.

vballretired

As unimaginative as Lovie is on defense and as bad as they are against the run, they still find ways to compete in most weeks. This offense is just unbelievably bad and that’s with the likely NFL Offensive ROY. This passing attack makes me think I’m watching my daughter cheerlead at an 8B football game.

Patrick

Even though Kubiak hasn’t coached this team in eight years, they remain battlefightin’.

bigfatdrunk

Houston is 30th by DDVOA. The defense isn’t good. It’s just been lucky so far today. Dabolll needs to pull his head out of his kitten.

Ew.

l4blitzer

Maybe the Giants aren’t all that good. The Texans D, after that opening drive TD has more or less held the Giants in check. The Giants are making too many dumb plays that give the Texans hope. However, as far as Davis Mills is concerned, he must think he is playing the 1986 Giants and Lawrence Taylor is in face on every play. His play continues to affirm the belief that he ain’t starter material

Patrick

Question for the group: What is the ugliest stadium in the NFL and why is it Hard Rock Stadium in Miami?

bigfatdrunk

I hate everything I have seen about the stadium in LV. Everything. It’s so ugly. It’s so...Vegas.

vballretired

Isn’t that Joe Robbie Stadium?

l4blitzer

Never should have left Joe Robbie Stadium with the shiny bright green Astroturf. Sure it ended the careers of so many players and wasn’t economically feasible, but why change

Patrick

No, I think they demolished that.

l4blitzer

Pancakes calling for Kyle Allen

vballretired

That’s the answer

Mills 6 for 13 for 35 yards. That’s about 2.7 yards per attempt (give or take a decimal point). That’s pretty good right?

Patrick

In the 30s, maybe.

bigfatdrunk

NYG DDVOA: 25. Their D ain’t that great.

Patrick

If this game were a dog, I’d shave its [KITTEN] and teach it to walk backwards.

vballretired

But no turnovers so he’s a Culley guy.

THIRD QUARTER

vballretired

There’s the run defense we know and love

bigfatdrunk

OWENS!!!!!

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

vballretired

Well that was a development

l4blitzer

Such gooder defense there

Patrick

OH. MY. [DURGA].

bigfatdrunk

Pitre misses SO MANY tackles.

Patrick

I don’t think I’ve laughed harder at a Texans defensive “stand” in my entire life.

vballretired

But he’s always around the ball

Patrick

That’s gonna be on Sportscenter.

DARIUS SLAYTON WITH A 54 YARD TD AFTER A HORRIBLE MISSED TACKLE: TRI-STATE GIANTS 14 - HOUSTON 3; 12:33, 3rd

vballretired

Do we even get to 14 in this game?

Patrick

If they do, it’ll be by accident. Or garbage time.

bigfatdrunk

That’s at least 20 missed tackles for Pitre now, which easily leads the league.

corydlg

Greatest no effort play I’ve ever seen. Pitre never even had a good angle on a totally immobile slaton

bigfatdrunk

Things I have never said: I wish Stallone would make another movie.

bigfatdrunk

YES.

vballretired

Rocky VIII?

bigfatdrunk

Win probability for the Giants is now 90%. In a 14-3 game. Jeebus.

bigfatdrunk

NO.

I, ummmm....hated the Rocky movies.

l4blitzer

Win prob for Giants now: 87.1%

Patrick

What, you’re not excited for TULSA KING?!

vballretired

Rocky fights Apollo Creed’s decomposing corpse?

bigfatdrunk

Who wants to be the King of Tulsa? I mean, was Kitten Mountain already taken?

Patrick

Sylvester Stallone having to make a new life for himself in Oklahoma should be a comedy, not a serious crime drama.

vballretired

There are a ton of ranches for a metropolitan area

Patrick

Otherwise this is just gritty My Blue Heaven.

With Steve Martin.

TEXANS POSSESSION

vballretired

Wait is that a first down or am I hallucinating again?

Patrick

Blind pigs and acorns.

l4blitzer

You probably are, but it is a 1st down

vballretired

I need more liquor. It’s a chemical imbalance.

l4blitzer

Was that a 27 go slant out, one deflection route, right?

vballretired

Like I thought the Giant was the intended receiver on that play

vballretired

All hail penalty offense

l4blitzer

Giants still not quite a good team, as they are letting the Texans move the ball

Patrick

First and goal? Must be a glitch in the matrix or something.

This field goal is going to be beautiful

Patrick

Delay of game, dear [DURGA], this offense.

l4blitzer

The patented ill-times delay of game penalty…so Pep Hamilton

So, of course, TD

vballretired

Holy kittens!

Patrick

Definitely a glitch in the matrix.

Welcome to the game, Nico Collins.

bigfatdrunk

Oh, great, the Mills Mafia will have him in the HOF again.

NICO COLLINS WITH A 12-YARD TD. GIANTS 14 - TEXANS 10; 8:06, 3rd

vballretired

We’ve reached 25 QBR range people

Patrick

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! PARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

corydlg

All stuff aside that was a good throw and catch

Patrick

Matt Stafford looks embarrassed to be in those Little Caesars ads.

bigfatdrunk

Etienne is going to destroy us the next time we play the Glitter Kitties. He looks SO GOOD right now.

Patrick

No argument here. Just wish Mills could string together more than one good throw and catch in a game

vballretired

It was. The Moore catch should have been a pick, but he had some good throws otherwise

corydlg

That’s just his “acting face”

#TRUTH

bigfatdrunk

Win probability is still 80% for the Giants.

corydlg

It was 80% pre kickoff lol

vballretired

Following the tradition of being within one score through three quarters

corydlg

I took the under and the Texans w/the points this week

vballretired

Harris playing a decent game

corydlg

So I’m happy

Patrick

A tradition unlike any other...which is why I dislike traditions: they’re peer pressure from dead people.

That’s the only right move to make there, Cory.

l4blitzer

Eric Murray on the field…and a 3rd down conversion

Patrick

I actually won “big” by betting against the Texans when they played the Raiders in Las Vegas.

Say what you will about how terrible this team is, at least they’re reliable.

vballretired

I picture the Masters music but instead a montage of fourth quarter sucking.

corydlg

Lol

bigfatdrunk

There is no reason to sit Pitre. So stupid.

Patrick

THEY WHAT?!

l4blitzer

Good thing the Texans stuck out all of those arms…saved the TD…

vballretired

But but but Eric Murray

l4blitzer

Jones with his Mills impression

Patrick

Did they really sit Pitre? Because now I can think of a reason I’d want Lovie Smith fired.

bigfatdrunk

That was a Mills-esque throw.

Nobody is covering Jones on the read option. Nobody.

vballretired

Jones will be 7-2. Just let that sink in.

bigfatdrunk

Woof.

Patrick

Well...the Giants will be 7-2. He’ll just be able to coast on it.

l4blitzer

Pitre made that tackle…20 yards downfield, but the tackle

vballretired

Here comes the rush defense

Hey look at Miami put it on Cleveland

Patrick

The what now?

And Durga bless them for it too.

Who would’ve guessed Tua could be an NFL QB?

[KITTEN], just let him in at this point.

We all know how this drive ends, Texans, so let’s get on with it.

vballretired

It’s amazing what coaching and the two fastest receivers in football can do.

Patrick

And there it is. TD Giants.

vballretired

Touchdown Giants

bigfatdrunk

Even Frank Bush thought that was too easy.

Patrick

vballretired

Another Pitre missed tackle

Patrick

I don’t care, leave him in. He’s a rookie, he needs to learn.

BARKLEY WITH THE 2 YARD TD: THE 5 BOROUGHS/2 STATE GIANTS 21 - TEXANS 10; 2:21, 3rd

bigfatdrunk

LOL!

Patrick

I mentioned this before, but I think the Jets and GIants should have an in-season competition where the team with the best record gets to be the New York team and the worse record should be the New Jersey team in the following season. Unless they play each other in the regular season then that game should determine who gets to be New York next season.

vballretired

Relegation. I like it.

bigfatdrunk

I cannot imagine the importance of that game.

TEXANS POSSESSION

vballretired

All Pierce offense

Patrick

Bless your heart, Dameon Pierce, you’re still trying.

bigfatdrunk

The Texans are down two possessions, and we have a FB in the game???

l4blitzer

Pierce nearly broke that one as well

vballretired

Nice throw there to John Turf

l4blitzer

Imagine this offense with a mildly competent QB

Patrick

Joe Grass with another reception.

bigfatdrunk

Perfect.

vballretired

That’s how you take your star tailback out of the game

Patrick

Sure, why not take a timeout right now?

vballretired

Pep needs to draw up a five yard dump pass to Rex Burkhead

Patrick

We really should have known our offense wouldn’t be saved by someone named “Pep.”

bigfatdrunk

What do you mean draw up? That’s our only play call on 3rd.

l4blitzer

Hey, the short dump off worked

Ok, Burkhead was not in on the play, but still

vballretired

They were confused with Burkhead not in

Patrick

Well that’s the end of the drive there.

vballretired

Holy kittens

Patrick

Huh?

l4blitzer

Apparently, the Texans bad tackling is contagious

Patrick

I repeat, HUH?!

END OF THE 3RD QUARTER: FIGHTIN’ BARKLEYS 21 - FIGHTIN’ PIERCES 10

vballretired

All YAC passing attack

Patrick

Unrelated but Dalvin Cook is a bad, bad man.

First and what now for the Texans?

vballretired

Fumble

Patrick

Of course.

l4blitzer

Time for that patented Texans 4th quarter to come through…and it does

Patrick

But wait, there’s a flag.

Never mind.

vballretired

Kenyon Green with another holding call

Patrick

Woooooooooooow, that was [KITTEN].

bigfatdrunk

Dammit, not Pierce. I love to make fun of this team, but I love Pierce.

TEXANS FUMBLE IN THE RED ZONE; GIANTS RECOVER

Patrick

Would the Texans be better if we had hired Brian Daboll to be HC instead of Lovie?

Or would it really matter?

bigfatdrunk

Oh Durga yes.

vballretired

Sure

bigfatdrunk

Daboll took Josh Allen and turned him into a legit MVP candidate.

vballretired

Here comes the pain

He took Jones and made him passable

l4blitzer

And yet, the Giants waste that possession…

bigfatdrunk

Nobody is covering Jones on the RO. Horrible play calling and decisions by the Giants on offense.

vballretired

Detroit making it interesting against the Bears. We may have a game and a half lead on 31st after today

TEXANS POSSESSION

vballretired

Do we even need Cooks the rest of this year? I think we should say he has whiplash.

Patrick

I think as long as the Astros remain WS contenders, the Texans should remain cellar dwellers. Not because I dislike the Texans or anything but because watching a team with zero expectations is incredibly relaxing compared to watching the Astros where I live and die with each at bat during the playoffs. Having both the Texans AND the Astros be good would probably be bad for the health of most Houstonians.

l4blitzer

Welp, Texans with another chance to excel in the Red Zone

Patrick

Joe Turf with another reception.

That’s coming back, I’m sure.

vballretired

Nice clutch penalty by Cooks

l4blitzer

Clutch offensive penalties for Houston

bigfatdrunk

Pick or fumble?

Patrick

Whut?

That’s coming back.

bigfatdrunk

Hold.

l4blitzer

Super Clutch Penalty!!!!

vballretired

Flag though. Nice third hold on Green

Patrick

Second and 25, this can’t miss.

bigfatdrunk

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

vballretired

Hahahahagahagagagahaagsa

Patrick

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, the dumbest throw of the day.

GIANTS FORCE ANOTHER RED ZONE TURNOVER (MILLS INT IN END ZONE); GIANTS POSSESSION

corydlg

How did he think going to the same spot a second time was smart

bigfatdrunk

OWENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ed Note: There was a substantial conversation between individuals on the Masthead that wasn’t exactly...germane...to the course of the football game*...We return to your regularly scheduled HOTD]

*Or for long-term relationships.

l4blitzer

Meanwhile, the Giants are on the move

bigfatdrunk

Texans celebrating like they won the SB. Play clock and game says otherwise.

vballretired

Oh wait, they are still playing?

l4blitzer

In the interim, the Texans forced a punt

TEXANS POSSESSION

corydlg

And still screwed up

vballretired

My Durga, just put us out of our misery

bigfatdrunk

Every one of Mills’ long receptions was all YAC.

vballretired

Fumble sack.

Patrick

Another grab for Joe Turf.

Wait, did the Giants recover that?

vballretired

Or sack fumble. Does the terminology matter?

Does it matter?

bigfatdrunk

That looks like a fumble to me.

vballretired

Arm going up and not forward

Patrick

That’s gonna stand, isn’t it?

vballretired

You could almost flip the second year QBs from last season. Mac Jones completely sucks, Mills mostly sucks and the rest get a little better from there.

l4blitzer

To quote Monty Python: “Get on with it!!!”

bigfatdrunk

Right??? Like the call matters.

vballretired

I shall taunt you a second time.

l4blitzer

15 minutes of my life I won’t ever get back

vballretired

Do we beat Washington next week?

Patrick

Come on this game isn’t in doubt just get on with it.

vballretired

If we don’t I don’t think we win again.

Patrick

We tie.

vballretired

Cleveland getting killed

bigfatdrunk

In the modern NFL, a QB HAS TO BE ABLE TO PUSH THE BALL DOWN THE FIELD. Mills is completely incapable of doing that.

l4blitzer

Carson Wentz might be back though…he’s good for a coin flip decision

Patrick

Finally some good news.

vballretired

Why are we running it?

bigfatdrunk

Because of passes like that?

vballretired

He pushed that one right into the tunnel

Patrick

Hey, that was pushing the ball down the field, right?

Kenneth L.

Browns lost. Lions are one point up

Patrick

Wow, this might go our way for a change.

l4blitzer

Offsetting penalty play…cool

vballretired

Awesome offsetting kittens

Patrick

Again, more good news.

vballretired

Intended for Lew Alcindor

Patrick

Now how the hell is that not PI?

Whatever.

l4blitzer

FG time…likely

vballretired

Thank Durga, said all Fairbairn fantasy owners

Patrick

Sure. A field goal with 2:30 left to go. Because that’ll matter.

FAIRBAIRN 34 yard FG. The Near-Manahattan Giants 21 - THE NEAR THE SPREAD TEXANS 13; 2:22, 4th

Patrick

Detroit’s gonna win the football game! DETROIT IS GONNA WIN THE FOOTBALL GAME!

corydlg

Cause the bears are awful

vballretired

We have a 1.5 game lead for last

bigfatdrunk

Go Lions!

Didn’t go 10. Offsides.

l4blitzer

Of course a flag on the play

vballretired

We didn’t let it go 10

Kenneth L.

Cants even do that right

vballretired

Assess both of them.

bigfatdrunk

That’s ballgame, beaches.

l4blitzer

And Ross had been doing so well today…

vballretired

Pittsburgh beats the Saints. All hail all three win teams.

HOUSTON BOTCHES THE ONSIDE KICK WITH MULTIPLE PENALTIES: GIANTS BALL

vballretired

The slide with Owens on the “tackle”

Holy Durga, a defensive stop

Patrick

Maybe the Texans need a battle emu to go and peck at the other team’s coaches?

vballretired

The Saints have the 30 something version of Mills at quarterback

bigfatdrunk

The Texans have wasted the last 30 minutes of our lives.

vballretired

Times five

bigfatdrunk

My biggest fear was the Mills would become the next Dalton. Thankfully, that seems to be passing.

Patrick

At least Dalton led the Bengals to the playoffs.

vballretired

Well he’s the current version of Dalton

bigfatdrunk

And lost. Repeatedly.

Patrick

Hey, I never said he did WELL.

bigfatdrunk

I mean, look, we play in the AFCS. There’s a reason BOB could make it to the playoffs: an elite defense in a kitten-y division.

vballretired

He put up good regular season numbers. Almost like a Bryan Hoyer

corydlg

Alright let’s get that TD and cover

vballretired

They’ve already called it

GIANTS ADD 49 yard FIELD GOAL; BORDERING THE EAST RIVER GIANTS 24 - LEADING THE RACE FOR #1 PICK TEXANS 13

bigfatdrunk

Mills will look good against prevent, now.

corydlg

A full 2 minutes, we should score

vballretired

He will kitten around and clear 300 yards passing

bigfatdrunk

At least two holds on that play.

vballretired

Hahahahahagagagagahahaga

Hahagagagagagagagaha, field goal with seven seconds left……hahahafa

Kenneth L.

Why didn’t they spike it…..

vballretired

Lovie has Fairbairn in his Yahoo league

WOOOOOOOOOOOO A [TEXANS] FIELD GOAL WITH 7 SECONDS LEFT IN THE GAME! WE GOTTEM RIGHT WHERE WE WANT ‘EM Y’ALL!!!

vballretired

A one score game….it’s a morale victory

corydlg

Sssooo that FG was the worst time mgmt decision ever if they onsidedit after

vballretired

The Titans looking to clinch the division in week ten

If the Raiders win then the entire league has three wins

Kenneth L.

Texans lose, Browns lose, and lions win. Good week

Patrick

I’ll take it.

vballretired

Steelers also win for their clutch third win.

Patrick

Yeah, I could’ve done with them losing this week.

vballretired

We need to set up a cushion in case we win a meaningless game or two.

GAME BALL: While the primary weapon for the Texans, RB Dameon Pierce, led the team with 122 total yards from scrimmage, he unfortunately had a critical Red Zone fumble in the 4th quarter when the Texans were driving to cut the lead back down to either 3 or 5 (pending the hypothetical 2 point conversion attempt after the potential TD). Sorry, but we can’t give the coveted HOTD Game Ball in this instance. Better luck next week. We almost were going to give this to Special Teams Coach Frank Ross, but the comedy of errors on the on-side kick at the end of the game (starting out lined-up off-sides AND touching the ball before it went 10 yards) also disqualified him. Yet, the sins of the coach do not taint all special teamers. Cam Johnston gets the game ball here. Punting in the always treacherous MetLife Stadium, he delivered a 45.8 yards/kick average, including two inside the 2. Oh, and he outmatched the home-team “Scottish Hammer” for the Giants, Jamie Gillian. Johnston was to Gillian as Edward I was to William Wallace.

SHOULD BE FORCED TO DRINK ONLY TAP WATER FROM THE EAST AND HUDSON RIVERS WHILE LISTENING TO YANKEE FANS WHINE HOW THEY HAVEN’T YET WON THEIR RIGHTFUL 28th WORLD SERIES: Once again, so many candidates from the Texans to chose from, from all the mental mistakes, the horrid run defense, 4th quarter red zone execution and some really, really questionable coaching decisions in the final two minutes of the game. However, the standout (for all the wrong reasons) has to be the rookie Safety Jalen Pitre. While he is but a rookie, and has shown some promise (think his game ball against the Bears), this game was not his best. His whiff of a tackle on Darius Slayton altered the course of the game. He makes the tackle, the Texans get a solid 3rd down stop. Instead, he not only missed, but there was no other Texans defender within 15 yards of the play. That gave Slayton enough space to sprint full bore for 54 yards and the Giants would hold the strategic edge for the rest of the game. Pitre would surrender another TD later in the game. While the arrow on Pitre’s potential continues to point upwards, there will be games like this.

We are also going to call out the Giants (and the Jets for that matter) for false advertising. The Giants label themselves “New York”, but they have played their home games within the borders of the state of New Jersey for over 46 years. The last NFL game played within New York city limits was in 1983. So the state of New Jersey has 4 Super Bowl titles, whereas New York City’s, and the state of New York for that matter, only real “Super Bowl” is courtesy of the New York Jets, back in the 1968 season. Yes, there is a lawsuit out there about this. While I think the lawsuit is dumb, I agree with the sentiment. So, unless New York plans to annex East Rutherford/Newark/Hoboken...and the Giants/Jets still plan to play at MetLife...they will remain the New Jersey Giants/Jets.