HAIR OF THE DOG WEEK 11: Washington (Insert Preferred Team Nickname Here) @ Houston Texans

At this point, what is there left to say about the Houston Texans? They are a bad team that has a few promising players for any future success. Yet, the game against Washington might have been the lowest point of the season. Washington is on a good run, especially after upending the Eagles last Monday night. However, they came into Houston and manhandled the Texans in all phases of the game. Their defensive line destroyed the Texans offensive line. The Commanders’ offensive line squashed the Texans defensive line. Henicke gave Mills a master class in how to play when being pressured. In perhaps the worst indictment of the Texans, they played soft and Washington took full advantage.

It is debatable who had the worst sports day: Houston Texans or the Qatari National Team. No significant offensive production and weak defense fit both squads to a “T”. Arguably the Texans kicking game went better, but the attendance was better in Qatar. That’s where we are at for this team. At least Houston has hope in the spring...but that is two seasons away.

As per usual, the masthead got together to follow the game and offer their real-time analysis. Along the way, there was commentary on other matters and a few movie references. All swear words have been replaced by [KITTEN] for viewing at work, or in the pick-up/drop-up line for your kids’ school.

With that, on to the ‘Dog.

vballretired

I see on CBS pregame they are doing who’s in and who’s out on the playoffs in the AFC. I squinted hard but couldn’t find the Texans on the big board. I guess I better go back to the eye doctor for more laser treatment because I didn’t see them.

vballretired

Is the game not being televised in Houston?

Patrick

It is, the only place it’s not being aired that it should be is in Austin.

I’m sure it was just a clerical error.

vballretired

Obviously and Chris Myers has certainly tumbled down the play by play rankings

Patrick

Of course the Commanders, who I must thank for taking the “dumbest name in football” mantle from us, are on a hot streak now.

vballretired

Couldn’t help but notice the Commanders turned it around when everyone found out the sell was happening. Let’s start a rumor that the McNairs are selling.

Patrick

I think it would break my heart if that was circling around and I found out it was just a rumor.

You know, I gotta hand it to Little Caesars. You don’t often see people with brain damage get cast in nationally-aired commercials.

vballretired

Who’s the next team to think that Carson Wentz is the answer?

Patrick

And I don’t mean Matt Stafford.

Alabama?

vballretired

Maybe Carolina?

Patrick

Gentle reminder that the Texans have not won a game since October 9.

FIRST QUARTER

vballretired

Who will win first? Texans or Astros?

Pitre with another gah moment

Patrick

Aw [DURGA][KITTEN] Pitre, that was a literal gift right there.

vballretired

That’s a three and out

vballretired

Or follow our description of this kittenfest and feed off our commentary

-1 yards on that attempt.

Pick six for the Commandos

Patrick

LOLOLOLOL, was that Mills first throw?

vballretired

It wasn’t Mills fault. The wind took that ball

It was his second. He is 1 for 2 with -1 yards and a pick six.

MILLS IN THE EARLY SPIRIT OF GIVING, OFFERING THE 37 YARD PICK-SIX TO KENDALL FULLER, WASHINGTON 7 - HOUSTON 0; 1ST

vballretired

Believe it or not, that’s his first pick six of the season. If he works hard he can take over the lead league in INTs. And who said he couldn’t do anything noteworthy?

Patrick

I’m just so [KITTEN] proud.

HOUSTON POSSESSION

vballretired

We are running a third play on this drive. Progress.

l4blitzer

Good, our first dumb penalty of the day

Patrick

Technically we even gained a yard!

vballretired

Two completions for one yard. Got to love this game plan.

Patrick

“Trust us to know what we’re doing.” —Cal McNair

vballretired

We are setting it up to have the Commandos in prevent by the third quarter. That’s exactly where we want them.

WAS POSSESSION

vballretired

Nothing sells cars like a barely top 40 hit from 1987

l4blitzer

A 3 and out?

Patrick

And it’s not even my birthday.

bigfatdrunk

We are, indeed, getting the Clots and Iggles in Austin. Texans are already persona non grata here.

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick

Wow they changed it. Last I saw y’all were supposed to get Giants/Lions.

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Texans three and out.

WAS POSSESSION

vballretired

Eight plays five yards in case people are wondering why we criticize this offense we gain 300 yards against the prevent.

bigfatdrunk

Mills is a AAAA pitcher.

Patrick

Lies, [KITTEN]ed lies, and statistics.

BFD, that is the meanest, most accurate, thing I’ve ever seen. I’m so proud of you.

l4blitzer

Almost Pitre, almost

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick

[DURGA], that’s TWO now Pitre!

l4blitzer

Pitre is almost a grown up Texans safety, missing those picks (sniff, sniff)…they grow up so fast…

Patrick

Who sees an Applebees ad and goes “OH MY DURGA, WE HAVE TO GO TO APPLEBEES NOW!”

l4blitzer

The Texans Lucha Libre fan was a nice touch

Patrick

It’s actually clever, it’s attractive and cool to look at but at the same time nobody knows you’re at the Texans game.

l4blitzer

FIRST DOWN ALERT, FIRST DOWN ALERT!!!!

bigfatdrunk

It’s shocking that Applebees is still around. It’s so bad, and there are so many mom and pop restaurants that are both cheaper and better.

Pharoah Brown just dropped an easy TD for the Brownies.

l4blitzer

So, nothing changed then

bigfatdrunk

LOL!

l4blitzer

Texans giving up another clutch 3rd down sack

corydlg

So that was really our first first down

vballretired

There’s the run defense we know and love.

bigfatdrunk

RZC hasn’t shown a single play from the game since I turned it on.

bigfatdrunk

Mills sucks kitten.

vballretired

So we suck in the first and 4th quarters. That’s an absolutely brilliant way to win football games.

1st QUARTER IN THE BOOKS: WASHINGTON WHATEVERS 7 - HOUSTON TEXANS 0: ONLY 3 MORE QUARTERS TO GO

bigfatdrunk

[KITTEN]. I almost picked up Dotson against the Texans uber-crappy defense.

vballretired

This is one of those games where the opponent runs their preseason game plan and does just enough to win.

l4blitzer

Nice that the Texans closed the roof. Don’t want to contaminate a nice Houston day with the radioactivity of the Texans suck-i-ness

vballretired

I just heard no Stingley

Patrick

He hurt?

vballretired

Hamstring

Kenneth L.

yeah his hammy

Patrick

Well [KITTEN].

[ED NOTE: There was a long interlude of discussion comparing international football and American football and some all-too-apt comparisons between the Qatari National Team and the Texans. We have edited this out for clarity and time. We now return to your regularly scheduled ‘Dog, already in progress]

l4blitzer

Meanwhile, Washington moving at will against Houston

Patrick

Oh look, the Commanders are in the red zone.

vballretired

In terms of American football it’s good to see our defense back to normal.

bigfatdrunk

Logan Thomas sighting!

vballretired

Hahahahahahahaha

Patrick

Untouched into the end zone.

Kenneth L

Welp that was easy

bigfatdrunk

Oh good Durga. This game is already over.

vballretired

That was really competitive run defense

Patrick

bigfatdrunk

Win probability already 87%!

CURTIS SAMUEL WITH THE NICE 10 YARD END-AROUND THAT WOULD BE GOOD IN FLAG FOOTBALL; THE FIGHTIN’ SNYDERS 14 - THE FIGHTIN’ MCNAIRS 0; 11:44, 2ND

vballretired

I think it started there BFD

Come on Bills

l4blitzer

Now comes the promotion for US-Wales. US will really have to show something, as they have not looked good in their last 6 matches this year.

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick

WE GAINED YARDS! REPEAT, WE HAVE GAINED YARDAGE!

vballretired

When is the plug for the Goodrich blimp?

Hahahahahahahahahaha

l4blitzer

Payne looked like he let up right at the end of that sack…like it was too easy for him…which it was

Kenneth L

Green just got beat

Patrick

What the hell happened to Kenyon Green?

vballretired

I think I could have blocked better than Green on that one and I weigh 150 pounds

l4blitzer

I swear I heard the “DE-FESNE” chants over the telecast

Kenneth L

You did

bigfatdrunk

Green is going to be great. He just needs to learn how to pass block, and I think he will.

vballretired

Back to back sacks. We may be in negative yardage now.

WAS POSSESSION

Patrick

Well...at least he didn’t fumble when he got sacked both times?

I’m trying, I’M TRYING to find something positive here guys.

l4blitzer

Vball…we are at a whopping -2 yards of total offense

vballretired

Meyers said we were hapless. I remember us being hap but it might have been a dream.

Patrick

One day we will again be full of hap.

l4blitzer

Hey, Johnston is averaging 47.3 yards a punt…that’s something

Patrick

Woooooooooooooooooooo!

vballretired

We will somehow gain 300 yards and everyone will talk about how close we are. Mark this down folks. Read this thread carefully.

Patrick

Pro Bowl caliber punting!

vballretired

Plenty of practice

We will somehow gain 300 yards and everyone will talk about how close we are. Mark this down folks. Read this thread carefully

[ED NOTE: This didn’t quite happen...continue reading]

bigfatdrunk

Yup.

l4blitzer

If you account for all the punt yardage, the Texans have 187 yards on the field. Throw in 9 return yards and the Texans almost have 200 yards of doing football thing…almost

vballretired

That’s competitive battle fight tackling

Patrick

Durga I love this defense.

bigfatdrunk

The narrative that we are in games and make them close is hilarious. The WPs all season tell us otherwise.

l4blitzer

Mills gets pressured and freezes like an armadillo in headlights. Heinicke gets pressured and delivers a ball for a 1st down…#WEARETEXANS

vballretired

Nice pass to John Turf

Patrick

Imagine Taylor Heinicke in a Lovie Smith offense.

bigfatdrunk

Two pretty incredible picks by defensive linemen already today.

vballretired

Pretty much what he runs there

l4blitzer

Hey, this Gibson guy can move with the football. We might want to cover him

vballretired

Nah, let him score so our high powered offense can go against the prevent

Patrick

Does anyone know why the Commanders went with the Waste Management logo as their logo?

vballretired

Pitre with a sack?

l4blitzer

Snyder wanted to keep flipping off the fans

vballretired

Seems appropriate

l4blitzer

Is Pep Hamilton calling the offensive plays for Washington right now?

vballretired

Are we going to hold them to three?

Clutch goal line stand

l4blitzer

Washington needs to stop toying with us…pretending to give us hope with the dumb penalties

vballretired

Nope, on us

l4blitzer

Disregard…the Texans with the dumb special teams penalty…an all around suck effort

vballretired

Playing Taylor Swift for bumper music? The blowout playlist coming out early boys.

WASHINGTON WITH THE 25-YARD FG: COMMANDERS (COMMANDERS, RIGHT?) 17 - TEXANS (STILL) 0; 4:55, 2ND

vballretired

Kentucky woman can’t be far behind

l4blitzer

With all the Ticketmaster garbage, this is the only way fans can hear her perform

vballretired

Maybe some Kodachrome

Is a high school game being played at NRG?

bigfatdrunk

Texans have scored more than 17 points just four times in nine games in 2022. Their high is a whopping 24 points when Mills had his BEST GAME EVER. This game, for all intensive porpoises, is already over.

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

I’ve seen bigger crowds at junior high games.

l4blitzer

Nice stat to stick it to the Texans; Fuller’s Pick 6 39 yards more than the Texans’ offense to date

vballretired

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Patrick

No, seriously, what the hell happened to Kenyon Green?

vballretired

Kenyon Green is just brutal

l4blitzer

There’s that clutch hold again

On the plus side, that would be a good wrestling takedown

vballretired

We’ve gained five yards in the first half

Roughing the kicker?

Patrick

Probably running into the kicker at best. Didn’t hit his plant leg.

l4blitzer

Johnston should ask for a re-kick…only got 44 yards on that one. Under his standard

bigfatdrunk

Cordarrelle Patterson!!!!!

WAS POSSESSION

vballretired

Myers has to be wondering his career has gone

l4blitzer

We’ve now entered the flag throwing portion of the game.

vballretired

Saints winning at least

l4blitzer

Probably won’t hurt them, but seems like a bad timeout for WAS.

vballretired

Does it really matter?

l4blitzer

For Houston, no, but just thinking for Washington if they want to get a good score before Halftime

bigfatdrunk

The WAS WP is already 95.8%.

l4blitzer

Are we really going back to flip phones? Not sure what to think about that.

Patrick

Not only that but we have people with brain damage who, I guess, weren’t alive the last time we had flip phones?

vballretired

Bag phones

Let’s go back to answering machines

Patrick

Over texts? Absolutely not.

l4blitzer

Again…Mills collapses under pressure. Heinicke drops a dime.

vballretired

Nah, go back to stone tablets

Patrick

Does anyone know if we’ve been blanked to start the half this season? I want to say no but my computer doesn’t have enough battery power for me to go looking.

bigfatdrunk

How is this not a joke?

Patrick

...Nice?

l4blitzer

Hey, better start than last week against the Giants…at least by completions and yards

Nice rebound by Thomas

vballretired

How in the hell did he get a 30.9 QBR?

Patrick

Practice, practice, practice.

They just showed your Cordarrelle Patterson TD, that was amazing.

l4blitzer

Patrick, if this holds, it will be the first time this season we’ve been shutout at the half

vballretired

There is some creative math doing some heavy lifting on that stat

Patrick

Thanks l4. I’m just so [KITTEN]ed proud.

l4blitzer

::blushes::

vballretired

20-0 not quite the largest deficit

bigfatdrunk

WP is now 98.2%. Before halftime. One team has only 17 points. Amazing. Just amazing.

Patrick

20 points.

vballretired

What is it at 20-0?

Patrick

This Commanders team reminds me so much of us it’s downright depressing.

bigfatdrunk

Meh, I was already typing before the 20

SLYE WITH ANOTHER 25 YARD FG. COMMANDERS 20 - TEXANS; 0:07, 2nd

vballretired

There’s your graphic l4

Patrick

Boo this team.

Well, at least we get the ball to start the half. So...yay?

vballretired

What does it say when our biggest joy is watching Cleveland lose?

HALFTIME

HALFTIME REACTIONS

vballretired

Okay, my thoughts? We have six yards of total offense. SIX KITTENING YARDS. Please save this in your mental databanks folks. Don’t allow yourself to have hope in this QB or this coaching staff.

l4blitzer

We have 5 months until the draft. 5 months. The Texans have 5 yards of total offense. 5 yards. There is not a lot to be excited about if you are a Texans fan. If you needed 5 positive things to say about Houston in this half, outside of Johnston the punter and Weeks the long snapper…you would really, really have to struggle to get 3 more.

bigfatdrunk

It’s a kitten-y team. They are so bad they don’t even suck.

vballretired

What’s worse is they are bad and boring. Let’s get some more pick sixes. At least those are entertaining and hilarious.

Patrick

Rooting for a team is a social construct, embrace entertainment.

vballretired

I’m looking for some bloopers

vballretired

Who is the least competent coach in the NFL? McDaniels? Hackett? I can’t see either mustering this performance

Patrick

The Nathaniel Hackett hire still boggles my mind.

vballretired

We have -1 yards passing?!?!? Holy kittens Batman.

bigfatdrunk

So does McDaniels, tbh.

vballretired

Hackett I could buy at the time. He’s no less qualified than the Vikings coach

Patrick

Nah, McDaniels, I figured someone would bite on him eventually because he was a New England guy and inevitably all New England guys get attention. Who the [KITTEN] thought Buddy Hackett was going to do anything?

3RD QUARTER: HOUSTON POSSESSION

Patrick

For now.

corydlg

5 total yards?!?!?!

Why are they making us play the second half?

l4blitzer

We almost doubled it on that one play.

vballretired

Well 13 now

Battle fight time

l4blitzer

I think that is our 2nd first down

vballretired

Holy cow, a splash play

l4blitzer

Hmmm…apparently the Texans realize that it helps to go forward with the football…or the patented garbage time Texans are fully engaged

vballretired

Humming the bars on the blowout playlist

Patrick

That’s the offense I’m familiar with.

vballretired

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Patrick

I grow worried that I become so comfortable with the offense as it is that if/when it becomes good, I won’t know how to handle competency.

corydlg

So back to bad coach talk. If you’ve been following the podcast I say The colts would fire their head coach sooner rather than later. I also think McDaniel and Hackett won’t survive the season/off season

l4blitzer

How does a QB with a wingspan nearly 11 feet get a pass blocked?

Wow, the giraffe stumbled for the 1st…ok then

corydlg

Because he hasn’t stopped staring down receivers like a high school quarterback

Patrick

Oh Durga what now?

vballretired

Depends if they think they are playoff contenders. I suspect that is why the Colts sacked Reich. I think those other two wait until the end of the season.

l4blitzer

Textbook gut-wrench suplex. Alexander Karelian would be proud of that one.

vballretired

“That’s a game misconduct. That’s a warning.”

Patrick

Wait...we’re in the red zone somehow?

corydlg

Good form on that gut wrench though, a little stronger he could have turned it into a power bomb

vballretired

And Mills forgot why he doesn’t run

Patrick

Stared down the receiver the entire way.

corydlg

The raiders are 2-7 and the broncos 3-6. I think they’re out of it

vballretired

Burkhead in for the three yard out

Go for it you cowards

l4blitzer

Once again…the difference between the two QBs when facing pressure.

corydlg

Mills doesn’t have a clutch bone in his body

bigfatdrunk

It’s still amazing just how bad Mills is.

vballretired

Yeah so why fire now unless you think you want an early start on the Sean Payton sweepstakes

Patrick

IT’S NOT A SHUTOUT! IT’S NOT A SHUTOUT! OH MY DURGA IT’S NOT A SHUTOUT!

vballretired

Fairbairn is the Keystone Light Texan of the game.

corydlg

You fire now because you’re telling your fans this isn’t ok in the office either.

bigfatdrunk

WP is still 97.4% after the FG.

TEXANS AVOID THE SHUTOUT WITH THE 29 YARD FG: WASHINGTON (SOMETHING, SOMETHING) 20 - TEXANS [KITTEN] 3; 9:53, 3RD

bigfatdrunk

Because FGs are mostly worthless, you see.

corydlg

Points are points, our win percentage is low cause we suck lol

Patrick

Ka’imi Fairbairn - Offensive MVP of the game.

vballretired

Yeah Cory I guess but as a fan I see through those kittens.

l4blitzer

We are now up to 63 yards for the game. Progress

vballretired

Getting them in the prevent. That’s the key to our offense.

bigfatdrunk

HAHAHAAH! Funny cuz it’s true.

vballretired

The jaw to the fist sent them reeling.

WASHINGTON POSSESSION

corydlg

We rope a doped them?

vballretired

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Pitre with another missed tackle

corydlg

That was the saddest run stop ever

l4blitzer

I know I shouldn’t be happy about this as a Texans fan, but really like seeing the toughness of Robinson. Granted, he is already a tough one (after what happened in the pre-season).

Patrick

It’s like Green and Pitre saw all the early season hype and said to themselves “Nope. Not like this!”

corydlg

Pitre wasn’t alone in missing a tackle there. Robinson broke like three tackles.

vballretired

We made them punt!

True Cory. Not the main culprit there

l4blitzer

Awww…Washington with a pity penalty. How sweet.

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Nice fair catch on your own five

corydlg

That play is like my piece de resistance on why it isn’t coaching. We had four guys in the right place to stop a 2 yard run and instead he gets 5 yards for a first

vballretired

Well it’s not completely coaching anyway

Patrick

(from a old BRB Contributor)

“One hit? That’s all we got—one [DURGA][KITTEN] hit?” “You can’t say [DURGA][KITTEN]’ on the air.” “Don’t worry. Nobody is listening anyway.”

corydlg

Lolol so accurate

vballretired

I love that movie

Patrick

It really is a great flick.

vballretired

Jobu’s Rum is my fantasy baseball team

bigfatdrunk

I saw it in the theater. In college. Old.

Patrick

Oh I feel such confidence when I see Davis Mills on the field.

vballretired

In high school for me

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Patrick

I don’t know WHAT I’m confident in but I’m confident.

l4blitzer

Holding on to the #1 pick?

Patrick

I watched it on HBO sooooo many times.

bigfatdrunk

Hilarity, Patrick. There will be hilarity.

l4blitzer

The Texans are first downing again

Patrick

I hope so, I’m down to my last LIIT of the day.

vballretired

Intended for Jim Sideline

Patrick

Will Davis Mills break 100 yards passing before the end of the third quarter?

l4blitzer

It’ll be close

vballretired

Man Jim Sideline is busy

l4blitzer

Another of those clutch Texans’ penalties

vballretired

Kenyon Green: penalty machine

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Another sack

l4blitzer

This the defensive line that Washington has been hoping for over the last two seasons

Patrick

I’ve discovered Texans games are far more enjoyable when you don’t actually watch them.

corydlg

He has to make a throw on third down

WAS POSSESSION

vballretired

He looks like the backup QB from Necessary Roughness

Patrick

“BLOW THE [KITTEN] WHISTLE!”

Speaking of movies I love.

vballretired

I can enjoy anything after a few LIT

l4blitzer

Now why are you insulting the actor that played that role? He put a lot of sweat and tears into that performance. That was acting…

Patrick

Scott Bakula is a [DURGA][KITTEN] delight in that movie.

I know you’re not talking about him, I can’t remember who played Popke, but Scott Bakula is the [KITTEN].

riversmccown

can we fire anyone yet

vballretired

Larry Miller always makes me laugh

corydlg

Mills

Patrick

If you believe in your heart strongly enough you can, Rivers.

l4blitzer

Can we start the Kyle Allen chants now?

vballretired

The beatings will continue until morale improves

We need Kevin Bacon from Animal House

corydlg

So true so so true

Patrick

Why? Isn’t being a Texans fan just one long streak of yelling out “Thank you sir, may I have another?”

vballretired

I was thinking “All is well. All is well.”

Patrick

You’re new, you’ll learn.

vballretired

Not new to Houston football though

l4blitzer

Oh it would have been awesome if Heinicke did a pump fake after crossing the line scrimmage. The Texans player would have so fallen for it.

Patrick

Fair. Totally fair.

Go for it you weenies.

I dare you.

What do you have to go up against? Our defense? LOL.

vballretired

This is reminiscent of early 1980s Oilers football

l4blitzer

They’re waiting for the 4th. Looks like Mills will not get to 100 yards before the end of the 3rd

END OF THE 3RD. SNYDERS 20 - MCNAIRS 3.

vballretired

Any bets on whether Lovie tells us how close they were to winning?

At least the Saints are still winning

l4blitzer

Well, the Texans can say that they are winning the second half (so far)

vballretired

You know if 20 plays went differently….

l4blitzer

“The inept Texans offense” Chris Myers keeping it real

vballretired

Can you just be ept?

vballretired

Here comes the tie…..in the second half

THE SLYE REVENGE GAME CONTINUES WITH A 44-YARD FG: COMMANDERS 23 - TEXANS 3; 12:08, 4th

vballretired

It’s time for all prevent yardage

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick

BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.

vballretired

Next completion gets him to 100

Hahahahahahahahahaha

l4blitzer

Will this be Washington’s first win in Houston?

vballretired

Joe Grass on the grab

Patrick

Oh lord they’re going for it.

l4blitzer

Oh, why not? Could be worth a laugh

A laugh at the Washington defense, that is.

Patrick

HE BROKE 100! HE BROKE 100! WE WIN! WE WIN!

vballretired

Cooks with some garbage time yardage

John Turf the intended target

Patrick

15/24 for 117 yards and a pick six. Canton is on the phone waiting.

l4blitzer

Nice effort on the INT…if it stands

Patrick

OH. MY. [DURGA]

vballretired

Give it to them

Patrick

That was hysterical.

You know what? They deserve the pick. Give it to them.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

vballretired

That was comedy gold. Cooks with the Jose Canseco maneuver

Gives them a chance at a 21 play 96 yard drive

bigfatdrunk

That’s a pick. It’s not even that close.

Patrick

Everybody is looking at me funny for laughing at that interception, but THEY are the ones who are wrong, not me.

l4blitzer

If that is the case, I want to see nothing but the Counter Trey and only the Counter Trey. Want an homage to Job Gibbs here.

vballretired

That would go in a Dire Straits video

l4blitzer

1 elbow should equal 2 feet here.

Patrick

Money for nothing and the picks for free.

WASHINGTON WITH THE NICE INT: COMMANDERS BALL

l4blitzer

Meanwhile, the Jets/Patriots seems like a real pitchers duel (3-3 in the 4th)

Patrick

Ravens/Panthers are also 3-3 in the fourth.

MOI moment: The Baltimore Ravens have three points in the third quarter, and they have one of the best offenses in football. Our glorious Texans have tied them so you must clearly conclude the Texans have one of the best offenses in football!

vballretired

There are zero holes in that logic

Patrick

I cannot give one [KITTEN] about the Commanders but I hope Taylor Heinicke has a nice career. I’m pulling for him.

l4blitzer

And Lamar Jackson is actually in the game, when he was sick all week.

Patrick

Details. Details.

vballretired

The Commandos are basically taking a knee at this point

bigfatdrunk

So am I, vballretired. So am I.

l4blitzer

bigfatdrunk

That was true last year, too.

vballretired

Yeah but the air conditioning

l4blitzer

But now, others are starting to come around.

Patrick

We are two games away from a guaranteed losing record.

Hey, air conditioning is really important.

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Well, one now

Patrick

We’re quickly approaching garbage time in our game.

vballretired

It’s blowing throws

l4blitzer

I thought we had been in garbage time for most of the 2nd half.

Cooks with the clutch drop

18M guaranteed well spent.

vballretired

Who we kidding? This whole game was garbage time

vballretired

It will be a repeat of last week but you got it

l4blitzer

Take the points here Houston. Need some betting help here.

Patrick

I mean you don’t have to obviously but I feel like we need to break this whole “Davis Mills puts up good numbers” narrative as soon as we can.

l4blitzer

Or , you can try to help the over.

vballretired

That one intended for Manute Bol

vballretired

Not even so much the yardage as the completion percentage

l4blitzer

Just missed the targeted cameraman on that throw

vballretired

That one intended for Dikembe Mutombo

l4blitzer

Now we are prolonging the agony. Running clock please.

vballretired

Need that clutch pick six

Patrick

Texans in the red zone. Paging Ka’imi Fairbairn. Ka’imi Fairbairn, please come to the white courtesy phone. Thank you.

vballretired

I said the white phone

l4blitzer

The red lane is for…

Patrick

Remember when we scored at least 20 points in a game?

vballretired

Don’t you tell me what the red line is for

Patrick

Is this about that [redacted] again?

vballretired

Oh. And mills got a touchdown

Patrick

Speaking of [redacted!], the Texans offense scored.

bigfatdrunk

/makes [KITTEN]ing motion

Patrick

Woooooooooooooooooooooow look at all those empty [KITTEN] seats.

vballretired

How about playing the fight song

DAVIS MILLS GALLOPS LIKE A GIRAFFE ACROSS THE SERENGETI FOR A 4 YARD TD. COMMANDERS 23 - TEXANS 10; 3:19, 4TH

Patrick

Now we got ‘em right where we want ‘em.

WAS WITH THE ONSIDE RECOVERY; WAS POSSESSION

vballretired

We’ve held them to just over 100 yards rushing. That’s progress.

l4blitzer

Gibson running over the Texans defense.

Using the ol’ Washington counter play

vballretired

If Thanos were in power we could be playoff bound

TWO MINUTE WARNING

Patrick

Thank Durga.

vballretired

Or completely disappear. I’m not sure which would be better

Patrick

I have my thoughts on the matter.

Those schmucks are cheering that they’re beating a one-win team. Ooooookay Commanders fans, y’all do y’all.

vballretired

Hey let them have their moment

l4blitzer

Well, it is Washington. Need all the on-field good news they can get. You’ve seen the off-field headlines, right?

Patrick

That’ll do it.

vballretired

And it’s mercifully over

FINAL: WASHINGTON 23 - HOUSTON 10. TEXANS HAVE A NICE, SYMMETRIC 1-8-1 RECORD.

Patrick

All we have to do now is win seven straight games to get a .500 record.

[DURGA] I love this team.

Texans finish the game with a Yordan Alvarez home run’s worth of offense.

vballretired

They exploded with ten points. Come on, if you’re the defense what else do you want.

GAME BALL: Given this performance, it is debatable that any Texans player should win a game ball. However, Cameron Johnston, arguably the clubhouse leader for team MVP, had himself a game. six punts for 286 yards and a 47.7 yards per kick average. For reference, the Texans total offensive production: 148 yards.

SHOULD BE FORCED TO LISTEN TO A TED TALK ON REPEATING LOOP FROM DAN SNYDER DISCUSSING LEADERSHIP AND EFFECTIVE TEAM LEADERSHIP: Pretty much everyone not named Cam Johnston. One must hope that this is the low point, because it is hard to see anything worse. Five yards of total offense in the first half is bad by any measure. I guess if you convert it into inches, it looks better (180), but not by much. Mills continues to reaffirm for the Texans that he is not the answer at quarterback. The Houston lines were not-present. There is always next week, but I wouldn’t blame you if you were waiting for spring, with the hope of the draft, and the Astros returning to play ball.