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At this point, what is there left to say about the Houston Texans? They are a bad team that has a few promising players for any future success. Yet, the game against Washington might have been the lowest point of the season. Washington is on a good run, especially after upending the Eagles last Monday night. However, they came into Houston and manhandled the Texans in all phases of the game. Their defensive line destroyed the Texans offensive line. The Commanders’ offensive line squashed the Texans defensive line. Henicke gave Mills a master class in how to play when being pressured. In perhaps the worst indictment of the Texans, they played soft and Washington took full advantage.
It is debatable who had the worst sports day: Houston Texans or the Qatari National Team. No significant offensive production and weak defense fit both squads to a “T”. Arguably the Texans kicking game went better, but the attendance was better in Qatar. That’s where we are at for this team. At least Houston has hope in the spring...but that is two seasons away.
As per usual, the masthead got together to follow the game and offer their real-time analysis. Along the way, there was commentary on other matters and a few movie references. All swear words have been replaced by [KITTEN] for viewing at work, or in the pick-up/drop-up line for your kids’ school.
With that, on to the ‘Dog.
vballretired
I see on CBS pregame they are doing who’s in and who’s out on the playoffs in the AFC. I squinted hard but couldn’t find the Texans on the big board. I guess I better go back to the eye doctor for more laser treatment because I didn’t see them.
vballretired
Is the game not being televised in Houston?
Patrick
It is, the only place it’s not being aired that it should be is in Austin.
I’m sure it was just a clerical error.
vballretired
Obviously and Chris Myers has certainly tumbled down the play by play rankings
Patrick
Of course the Commanders, who I must thank for taking the “dumbest name in football” mantle from us, are on a hot streak now.
vballretired
Couldn’t help but notice the Commanders turned it around when everyone found out the sell was happening. Let’s start a rumor that the McNairs are selling.
Patrick
I think it would break my heart if that was circling around and I found out it was just a rumor.
You know, I gotta hand it to Little Caesars. You don’t often see people with brain damage get cast in nationally-aired commercials.
vballretired
Who’s the next team to think that Carson Wentz is the answer?
Patrick
And I don’t mean Matt Stafford.
Alabama?
vballretired
Maybe Carolina?
Patrick
Gentle reminder that the Texans have not won a game since October 9.
FIRST QUARTER
vballretired
Who will win first? Texans or Astros?
Pitre with another gah moment
Patrick
Aw [DURGA][KITTEN] Pitre, that was a literal gift right there.
vballretired
That’s a three and out
vballretired
Or follow our description of this kittenfest and feed off our commentary
-1 yards on that attempt.
Pick six for the Commandos
Patrick
LOLOLOLOL, was that Mills first throw?
vballretired
It wasn’t Mills fault. The wind took that ball
It was his second. He is 1 for 2 with -1 yards and a pick six.
MILLS IN THE EARLY SPIRIT OF GIVING, OFFERING THE 37 YARD PICK-SIX TO KENDALL FULLER, WASHINGTON 7 - HOUSTON 0; 1ST
vballretired
Believe it or not, that’s his first pick six of the season. If he works hard he can take over the lead league in INTs. And who said he couldn’t do anything noteworthy?
Patrick
I’m just so [KITTEN] proud.
HOUSTON POSSESSION
vballretired
We are running a third play on this drive. Progress.
l4blitzer
Good, our first dumb penalty of the day
Patrick
Technically we even gained a yard!
vballretired
Two completions for one yard. Got to love this game plan.
Patrick
“Trust us to know what we’re doing.” —Cal McNair
vballretired
We are setting it up to have the Commandos in prevent by the third quarter. That’s exactly where we want them.
WAS POSSESSION
vballretired
Nothing sells cars like a barely top 40 hit from 1987
l4blitzer
A 3 and out?
Patrick
And it’s not even my birthday.
bigfatdrunk
We are, indeed, getting the Clots and Iggles in Austin. Texans are already persona non grata here.
HOU POSSESSION
Patrick
Wow they changed it. Last I saw y’all were supposed to get Giants/Lions.
Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Texans three and out.
WAS POSSESSION
vballretired
Eight plays five yards in case people are wondering why we criticize this offense we gain 300 yards against the prevent.
bigfatdrunk
Mills is a AAAA pitcher.
Patrick
Lies, [KITTEN]ed lies, and statistics.
BFD, that is the meanest, most accurate, thing I’ve ever seen. I’m so proud of you.
l4blitzer
Almost Pitre, almost
HOU POSSESSION
Patrick
[DURGA], that’s TWO now Pitre!
l4blitzer
Pitre is almost a grown up Texans safety, missing those picks (sniff, sniff)…they grow up so fast…
Patrick
Who sees an Applebees ad and goes “OH MY DURGA, WE HAVE TO GO TO APPLEBEES NOW!”
l4blitzer
The Texans Lucha Libre fan was a nice touch
Patrick
It’s actually clever, it’s attractive and cool to look at but at the same time nobody knows you’re at the Texans game.
l4blitzer
FIRST DOWN ALERT, FIRST DOWN ALERT!!!!
bigfatdrunk
It’s shocking that Applebees is still around. It’s so bad, and there are so many mom and pop restaurants that are both cheaper and better.
Pharoah Brown just dropped an easy TD for the Brownies.
l4blitzer
So, nothing changed then
bigfatdrunk
LOL!
l4blitzer
Texans giving up another clutch 3rd down sack
corydlg
So that was really our first first down
vballretired
There’s the run defense we know and love.
bigfatdrunk
RZC hasn’t shown a single play from the game since I turned it on.
bigfatdrunk
Mills sucks kitten.
vballretired
So we suck in the first and 4th quarters. That’s an absolutely brilliant way to win football games.
1st QUARTER IN THE BOOKS: WASHINGTON WHATEVERS 7 - HOUSTON TEXANS 0: ONLY 3 MORE QUARTERS TO GO
bigfatdrunk
[KITTEN]. I almost picked up Dotson against the Texans uber-crappy defense.
vballretired
This is one of those games where the opponent runs their preseason game plan and does just enough to win.
l4blitzer
Nice that the Texans closed the roof. Don’t want to contaminate a nice Houston day with the radioactivity of the Texans suck-i-ness
vballretired
I just heard no Stingley
Patrick
He hurt?
vballretired
Hamstring
Kenneth L.
yeah his hammy
Patrick
Well [KITTEN].
[ED NOTE: There was a long interlude of discussion comparing international football and American football and some all-too-apt comparisons between the Qatari National Team and the Texans. We have edited this out for clarity and time. We now return to your regularly scheduled ‘Dog, already in progress]
l4blitzer
Meanwhile, Washington moving at will against Houston
Patrick
Oh look, the Commanders are in the red zone.
vballretired
In terms of American football it’s good to see our defense back to normal.
bigfatdrunk
Logan Thomas sighting!
vballretired
Hahahahahahahaha
Patrick
Untouched into the end zone.
Kenneth L
Welp that was easy
bigfatdrunk
Oh good Durga. This game is already over.
vballretired
That was really competitive run defense
Patrick
bigfatdrunk
Win probability already 87%!
CURTIS SAMUEL WITH THE NICE 10 YARD END-AROUND THAT WOULD BE GOOD IN FLAG FOOTBALL; THE FIGHTIN’ SNYDERS 14 - THE FIGHTIN’ MCNAIRS 0; 11:44, 2ND
vballretired
I think it started there BFD
Come on Bills
l4blitzer
Now comes the promotion for US-Wales. US will really have to show something, as they have not looked good in their last 6 matches this year.
HOU POSSESSION
Patrick
WE GAINED YARDS! REPEAT, WE HAVE GAINED YARDAGE!
vballretired
When is the plug for the Goodrich blimp?
Hahahahahahahahahaha
l4blitzer
Payne looked like he let up right at the end of that sack…like it was too easy for him…which it was
Kenneth L
Green just got beat
Patrick
What the hell happened to Kenyon Green?
vballretired
I think I could have blocked better than Green on that one and I weigh 150 pounds
l4blitzer
I swear I heard the “DE-FESNE” chants over the telecast
Kenneth L
You did
bigfatdrunk
Green is going to be great. He just needs to learn how to pass block, and I think he will.
vballretired
Back to back sacks. We may be in negative yardage now.
WAS POSSESSION
Patrick
Well...at least he didn’t fumble when he got sacked both times?
I’m trying, I’M TRYING to find something positive here guys.
l4blitzer
Vball…we are at a whopping -2 yards of total offense
vballretired
Meyers said we were hapless. I remember us being hap but it might have been a dream.
Patrick
One day we will again be full of hap.
l4blitzer
Hey, Johnston is averaging 47.3 yards a punt…that’s something
Patrick
Woooooooooooooooooooo!
vballretired
We will somehow gain 300 yards and everyone will talk about how close we are. Mark this down folks. Read this thread carefully.
Patrick
Pro Bowl caliber punting!
vballretired
Plenty of practice
We will somehow gain 300 yards and everyone will talk about how close we are. Mark this down folks. Read this thread carefully
[ED NOTE: This didn’t quite happen...continue reading]
bigfatdrunk
Yup.
l4blitzer
If you account for all the punt yardage, the Texans have 187 yards on the field. Throw in 9 return yards and the Texans almost have 200 yards of doing football thing…almost
vballretired
That’s competitive battle fight tackling
Patrick
Durga I love this defense.
bigfatdrunk
The narrative that we are in games and make them close is hilarious. The WPs all season tell us otherwise.
l4blitzer
Mills gets pressured and freezes like an armadillo in headlights. Heinicke gets pressured and delivers a ball for a 1st down…#WEARETEXANS
vballretired
Nice pass to John Turf
Patrick
Imagine Taylor Heinicke in a Lovie Smith offense.
bigfatdrunk
Two pretty incredible picks by defensive linemen already today.
vballretired
Pretty much what he runs there
l4blitzer
Hey, this Gibson guy can move with the football. We might want to cover him
vballretired
Nah, let him score so our high powered offense can go against the prevent
Patrick
Does anyone know why the Commanders went with the Waste Management logo as their logo?
vballretired
Pitre with a sack?
l4blitzer
Snyder wanted to keep flipping off the fans
vballretired
Seems appropriate
l4blitzer
Is Pep Hamilton calling the offensive plays for Washington right now?
vballretired
Are we going to hold them to three?
Clutch goal line stand
l4blitzer
Washington needs to stop toying with us…pretending to give us hope with the dumb penalties
vballretired
Nope, on us
l4blitzer
Disregard…the Texans with the dumb special teams penalty…an all around suck effort
vballretired
Playing Taylor Swift for bumper music? The blowout playlist coming out early boys.
WASHINGTON WITH THE 25-YARD FG: COMMANDERS (COMMANDERS, RIGHT?) 17 - TEXANS (STILL) 0; 4:55, 2ND
vballretired
Kentucky woman can’t be far behind
l4blitzer
With all the Ticketmaster garbage, this is the only way fans can hear her perform
vballretired
Maybe some Kodachrome
Is a high school game being played at NRG?
bigfatdrunk
Texans have scored more than 17 points just four times in nine games in 2022. Their high is a whopping 24 points when Mills had his BEST GAME EVER. This game, for all intensive porpoises, is already over.
HOU POSSESSION
vballretired
I’ve seen bigger crowds at junior high games.
l4blitzer
Nice stat to stick it to the Texans; Fuller’s Pick 6 39 yards more than the Texans’ offense to date
vballretired
Hahahahahahahahahaha
Patrick
No, seriously, what the hell happened to Kenyon Green?
vballretired
Kenyon Green is just brutal
l4blitzer
There’s that clutch hold again
On the plus side, that would be a good wrestling takedown
vballretired
We’ve gained five yards in the first half
Roughing the kicker?
Patrick
Probably running into the kicker at best. Didn’t hit his plant leg.
l4blitzer
Johnston should ask for a re-kick…only got 44 yards on that one. Under his standard
bigfatdrunk
Cordarrelle Patterson!!!!!
WAS POSSESSION
vballretired
Myers has to be wondering his career has gone
l4blitzer
We’ve now entered the flag throwing portion of the game.
vballretired
Saints winning at least
l4blitzer
Probably won’t hurt them, but seems like a bad timeout for WAS.
vballretired
Does it really matter?
l4blitzer
For Houston, no, but just thinking for Washington if they want to get a good score before Halftime
bigfatdrunk
The WAS WP is already 95.8%.
l4blitzer
Are we really going back to flip phones? Not sure what to think about that.
Patrick
Not only that but we have people with brain damage who, I guess, weren’t alive the last time we had flip phones?
vballretired
Bag phones
Let’s go back to answering machines
Patrick
Over texts? Absolutely not.
l4blitzer
Again…Mills collapses under pressure. Heinicke drops a dime.
vballretired
Nah, go back to stone tablets
Patrick
Does anyone know if we’ve been blanked to start the half this season? I want to say no but my computer doesn’t have enough battery power for me to go looking.
bigfatdrunk
How is this not a joke?
Patrick
...Nice?
l4blitzer
Hey, better start than last week against the Giants…at least by completions and yards
Nice rebound by Thomas
vballretired
How in the hell did he get a 30.9 QBR?
Patrick
Practice, practice, practice.
They just showed your Cordarrelle Patterson TD, that was amazing.
l4blitzer
Patrick, if this holds, it will be the first time this season we’ve been shutout at the half
vballretired
There is some creative math doing some heavy lifting on that stat
Patrick
Thanks l4. I’m just so [KITTEN]ed proud.
l4blitzer
::blushes::
vballretired
20-0 not quite the largest deficit
bigfatdrunk
WP is now 98.2%. Before halftime. One team has only 17 points. Amazing. Just amazing.
Patrick
20 points.
vballretired
What is it at 20-0?
Patrick
This Commanders team reminds me so much of us it’s downright depressing.
bigfatdrunk
Meh, I was already typing before the 20
SLYE WITH ANOTHER 25 YARD FG. COMMANDERS 20 - TEXANS; 0:07, 2nd
vballretired
There’s your graphic l4
Patrick
Boo this team.
Well, at least we get the ball to start the half. So...yay?
vballretired
What does it say when our biggest joy is watching Cleveland lose?
HALFTIME
HALFTIME REACTIONS
vballretired
Okay, my thoughts? We have six yards of total offense. SIX KITTENING YARDS. Please save this in your mental databanks folks. Don’t allow yourself to have hope in this QB or this coaching staff.
l4blitzer
We have 5 months until the draft. 5 months. The Texans have 5 yards of total offense. 5 yards. There is not a lot to be excited about if you are a Texans fan. If you needed 5 positive things to say about Houston in this half, outside of Johnston the punter and Weeks the long snapper…you would really, really have to struggle to get 3 more.
bigfatdrunk
It’s a kitten-y team. They are so bad they don’t even suck.
vballretired
What’s worse is they are bad and boring. Let’s get some more pick sixes. At least those are entertaining and hilarious.
Patrick
Rooting for a team is a social construct, embrace entertainment.
vballretired
I’m looking for some bloopers
vballretired
Who is the least competent coach in the NFL? McDaniels? Hackett? I can’t see either mustering this performance
Patrick
The Nathaniel Hackett hire still boggles my mind.
vballretired
We have -1 yards passing?!?!? Holy kittens Batman.
bigfatdrunk
So does McDaniels, tbh.
vballretired
Hackett I could buy at the time. He’s no less qualified than the Vikings coach
Patrick
Nah, McDaniels, I figured someone would bite on him eventually because he was a New England guy and inevitably all New England guys get attention. Who the [KITTEN] thought Buddy Hackett was going to do anything?
3RD QUARTER: HOUSTON POSSESSION
Patrick
For now.
corydlg
5 total yards?!?!?!
Why are they making us play the second half?
l4blitzer
We almost doubled it on that one play.
vballretired
Well 13 now
Battle fight time
l4blitzer
I think that is our 2nd first down
vballretired
Holy cow, a splash play
l4blitzer
Hmmm…apparently the Texans realize that it helps to go forward with the football…or the patented garbage time Texans are fully engaged
vballretired
Humming the bars on the blowout playlist
Patrick
That’s the offense I’m familiar with.
vballretired
Hahahahahahahahahaha
Patrick
I grow worried that I become so comfortable with the offense as it is that if/when it becomes good, I won’t know how to handle competency.
corydlg
So back to bad coach talk. If you’ve been following the podcast I say The colts would fire their head coach sooner rather than later. I also think McDaniel and Hackett won’t survive the season/off season
l4blitzer
How does a QB with a wingspan nearly 11 feet get a pass blocked?
Wow, the giraffe stumbled for the 1st…ok then
corydlg
Because he hasn’t stopped staring down receivers like a high school quarterback
Patrick
Oh Durga what now?
vballretired
Depends if they think they are playoff contenders. I suspect that is why the Colts sacked Reich. I think those other two wait until the end of the season.
l4blitzer
Textbook gut-wrench suplex. Alexander Karelian would be proud of that one.
vballretired
“That’s a game misconduct. That’s a warning.”
Patrick
Wait...we’re in the red zone somehow?
corydlg
Good form on that gut wrench though, a little stronger he could have turned it into a power bomb
vballretired
And Mills forgot why he doesn’t run
Patrick
Stared down the receiver the entire way.
corydlg
The raiders are 2-7 and the broncos 3-6. I think they’re out of it
vballretired
Burkhead in for the three yard out
Go for it you cowards
l4blitzer
Once again…the difference between the two QBs when facing pressure.
corydlg
Mills doesn’t have a clutch bone in his body
bigfatdrunk
It’s still amazing just how bad Mills is.
vballretired
Yeah so why fire now unless you think you want an early start on the Sean Payton sweepstakes
Patrick
IT’S NOT A SHUTOUT! IT’S NOT A SHUTOUT! OH MY DURGA IT’S NOT A SHUTOUT!
vballretired
Fairbairn is the Keystone Light Texan of the game.
corydlg
You fire now because you’re telling your fans this isn’t ok in the office either.
bigfatdrunk
WP is still 97.4% after the FG.
TEXANS AVOID THE SHUTOUT WITH THE 29 YARD FG: WASHINGTON (SOMETHING, SOMETHING) 20 - TEXANS [KITTEN] 3; 9:53, 3RD
bigfatdrunk
Because FGs are mostly worthless, you see.
corydlg
Points are points, our win percentage is low cause we suck lol
Patrick
Ka’imi Fairbairn - Offensive MVP of the game.
vballretired
Yeah Cory I guess but as a fan I see through those kittens.
l4blitzer
We are now up to 63 yards for the game. Progress
vballretired
Getting them in the prevent. That’s the key to our offense.
bigfatdrunk
HAHAHAAH! Funny cuz it’s true.
vballretired
The jaw to the fist sent them reeling.
WASHINGTON POSSESSION
corydlg
We rope a doped them?
vballretired
Hahahahahahahahahaha
Pitre with another missed tackle
corydlg
That was the saddest run stop ever
l4blitzer
I know I shouldn’t be happy about this as a Texans fan, but really like seeing the toughness of Robinson. Granted, he is already a tough one (after what happened in the pre-season).
Patrick
It’s like Green and Pitre saw all the early season hype and said to themselves “Nope. Not like this!”
corydlg
Pitre wasn’t alone in missing a tackle there. Robinson broke like three tackles.
vballretired
We made them punt!
True Cory. Not the main culprit there
l4blitzer
Awww…Washington with a pity penalty. How sweet.
HOU POSSESSION
vballretired
Nice fair catch on your own five
corydlg
That play is like my piece de resistance on why it isn’t coaching. We had four guys in the right place to stop a 2 yard run and instead he gets 5 yards for a first
vballretired
Well it’s not completely coaching anyway
Patrick
(from a old BRB Contributor)
“One hit? That’s all we got—one [DURGA][KITTEN] hit?” “You can’t say [DURGA][KITTEN]’ on the air.” “Don’t worry. Nobody is listening anyway.”
corydlg
Lolol so accurate
vballretired
I love that movie
Patrick
It really is a great flick.
vballretired
Jobu’s Rum is my fantasy baseball team
bigfatdrunk
I saw it in the theater. In college. Old.
Patrick
Oh I feel such confidence when I see Davis Mills on the field.
vballretired
In high school for me
Hahahahahahahahahaha
Patrick
I don’t know WHAT I’m confident in but I’m confident.
l4blitzer
Holding on to the #1 pick?
Patrick
I watched it on HBO sooooo many times.
bigfatdrunk
Hilarity, Patrick. There will be hilarity.
l4blitzer
The Texans are first downing again
Patrick
I hope so, I’m down to my last LIIT of the day.
vballretired
Intended for Jim Sideline
Patrick
Will Davis Mills break 100 yards passing before the end of the third quarter?
l4blitzer
It’ll be close
vballretired
Man Jim Sideline is busy
l4blitzer
Another of those clutch Texans’ penalties
vballretired
Kenyon Green: penalty machine
Hahahahahahahahahaha
Another sack
l4blitzer
This the defensive line that Washington has been hoping for over the last two seasons
Patrick
I’ve discovered Texans games are far more enjoyable when you don’t actually watch them.
corydlg
He has to make a throw on third down
WAS POSSESSION
vballretired
He looks like the backup QB from Necessary Roughness
Patrick
“BLOW THE [KITTEN] WHISTLE!”
Speaking of movies I love.
vballretired
I can enjoy anything after a few LIT
l4blitzer
Now why are you insulting the actor that played that role? He put a lot of sweat and tears into that performance. That was acting…
Patrick
Scott Bakula is a [DURGA][KITTEN] delight in that movie.
I know you’re not talking about him, I can’t remember who played Popke, but Scott Bakula is the [KITTEN].
riversmccown
can we fire anyone yet
vballretired
Larry Miller always makes me laugh
corydlg
Mills
Patrick
If you believe in your heart strongly enough you can, Rivers.
l4blitzer
Can we start the Kyle Allen chants now?
vballretired
The beatings will continue until morale improves
We need Kevin Bacon from Animal House
corydlg
So true so so true
Patrick
Why? Isn’t being a Texans fan just one long streak of yelling out “Thank you sir, may I have another?”
vballretired
I was thinking “All is well. All is well.”
Patrick
You’re new, you’ll learn.
vballretired
Not new to Houston football though
l4blitzer
Oh it would have been awesome if Heinicke did a pump fake after crossing the line scrimmage. The Texans player would have so fallen for it.
Patrick
Fair. Totally fair.
Go for it you weenies.
I dare you.
What do you have to go up against? Our defense? LOL.
vballretired
This is reminiscent of early 1980s Oilers football
l4blitzer
They’re waiting for the 4th. Looks like Mills will not get to 100 yards before the end of the 3rd
END OF THE 3RD. SNYDERS 20 - MCNAIRS 3.
vballretired
Any bets on whether Lovie tells us how close they were to winning?
At least the Saints are still winning
l4blitzer
Well, the Texans can say that they are winning the second half (so far)
vballretired
You know if 20 plays went differently….
l4blitzer
“The inept Texans offense” Chris Myers keeping it real
vballretired
Can you just be ept?
vballretired
Here comes the tie…..in the second half
THE SLYE REVENGE GAME CONTINUES WITH A 44-YARD FG: COMMANDERS 23 - TEXANS 3; 12:08, 4th
vballretired
It’s time for all prevent yardage
HOU POSSESSION
Patrick
BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.
vballretired
Next completion gets him to 100
Hahahahahahahahahaha
l4blitzer
Will this be Washington’s first win in Houston?
vballretired
Joe Grass on the grab
Patrick
Oh lord they’re going for it.
l4blitzer
Oh, why not? Could be worth a laugh
A laugh at the Washington defense, that is.
Patrick
HE BROKE 100! HE BROKE 100! WE WIN! WE WIN!
vballretired
Cooks with some garbage time yardage
John Turf the intended target
Patrick
15/24 for 117 yards and a pick six. Canton is on the phone waiting.
l4blitzer
Nice effort on the INT…if it stands
Patrick
OH. MY. [DURGA]
vballretired
Give it to them
Patrick
That was hysterical.
You know what? They deserve the pick. Give it to them.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
vballretired
That was comedy gold. Cooks with the Jose Canseco maneuver
Gives them a chance at a 21 play 96 yard drive
bigfatdrunk
That’s a pick. It’s not even that close.
Patrick
Everybody is looking at me funny for laughing at that interception, but THEY are the ones who are wrong, not me.
l4blitzer
If that is the case, I want to see nothing but the Counter Trey and only the Counter Trey. Want an homage to Job Gibbs here.
vballretired
That would go in a Dire Straits video
l4blitzer
1 elbow should equal 2 feet here.
Patrick
Money for nothing and the picks for free.
WASHINGTON WITH THE NICE INT: COMMANDERS BALL
l4blitzer
Meanwhile, the Jets/Patriots seems like a real pitchers duel (3-3 in the 4th)
Patrick
Ravens/Panthers are also 3-3 in the fourth.
MOI moment: The Baltimore Ravens have three points in the third quarter, and they have one of the best offenses in football. Our glorious Texans have tied them so you must clearly conclude the Texans have one of the best offenses in football!
vballretired
There are zero holes in that logic
Patrick
I cannot give one [KITTEN] about the Commanders but I hope Taylor Heinicke has a nice career. I’m pulling for him.
l4blitzer
And Lamar Jackson is actually in the game, when he was sick all week.
Patrick
Details. Details.
vballretired
The Commandos are basically taking a knee at this point
bigfatdrunk
So am I, vballretired. So am I.
l4blitzer
This is old news for some, recent news for the sad Mills truthers: Davis Mills is not the answer for the Texans at QB and Nick Caserio must find a real QB for a rebuild that's currently going nowhere.
— Brian T. Smith (@ChronBrianSmith) November 20, 2022
bigfatdrunk
That was true last year, too.
vballretired
Yeah but the air conditioning
l4blitzer
But now, others are starting to come around.
Patrick
We are two games away from a guaranteed losing record.
Hey, air conditioning is really important.
HOU POSSESSION
vballretired
Well, one now
Patrick
We’re quickly approaching garbage time in our game.
vballretired
It’s blowing throws
l4blitzer
I thought we had been in garbage time for most of the 2nd half.
Cooks with the clutch drop
18M guaranteed well spent.
vballretired
Who we kidding? This whole game was garbage time
vballretired
It will be a repeat of last week but you got it
l4blitzer
Take the points here Houston. Need some betting help here.
Patrick
I mean you don’t have to obviously but I feel like we need to break this whole “Davis Mills puts up good numbers” narrative as soon as we can.
l4blitzer
Or , you can try to help the over.
vballretired
That one intended for Manute Bol
vballretired
Not even so much the yardage as the completion percentage
l4blitzer
Just missed the targeted cameraman on that throw
vballretired
That one intended for Dikembe Mutombo
l4blitzer
Now we are prolonging the agony. Running clock please.
vballretired
Need that clutch pick six
Patrick
Texans in the red zone. Paging Ka’imi Fairbairn. Ka’imi Fairbairn, please come to the white courtesy phone. Thank you.
vballretired
I said the white phone
l4blitzer
The red lane is for…
Patrick
Remember when we scored at least 20 points in a game?
vballretired
Don’t you tell me what the red line is for
Patrick
Is this about that [redacted] again?
vballretired
Oh. And mills got a touchdown
Patrick
Speaking of [redacted!], the Texans offense scored.
bigfatdrunk
/makes [KITTEN]ing motion
Patrick
Woooooooooooooooooooooow look at all those empty [KITTEN] seats.
vballretired
How about playing the fight song
DAVIS MILLS GALLOPS LIKE A GIRAFFE ACROSS THE SERENGETI FOR A 4 YARD TD. COMMANDERS 23 - TEXANS 10; 3:19, 4TH
Patrick
Now we got ‘em right where we want ‘em.
WAS WITH THE ONSIDE RECOVERY; WAS POSSESSION
vballretired
We’ve held them to just over 100 yards rushing. That’s progress.
l4blitzer
Gibson running over the Texans defense.
Using the ol’ Washington counter play
vballretired
If Thanos were in power we could be playoff bound
TWO MINUTE WARNING
Patrick
Thank Durga.
vballretired
Or completely disappear. I’m not sure which would be better
Patrick
I have my thoughts on the matter.
Those schmucks are cheering that they’re beating a one-win team. Ooooookay Commanders fans, y’all do y’all.
vballretired
Hey let them have their moment
l4blitzer
Well, it is Washington. Need all the on-field good news they can get. You’ve seen the off-field headlines, right?
Patrick
That’ll do it.
vballretired
And it’s mercifully over
FINAL: WASHINGTON 23 - HOUSTON 10. TEXANS HAVE A NICE, SYMMETRIC 1-8-1 RECORD.
Patrick
All we have to do now is win seven straight games to get a .500 record.
[DURGA] I love this team.
Texans finish the game with a Yordan Alvarez home run’s worth of offense.
vballretired
They exploded with ten points. Come on, if you’re the defense what else do you want.
GAME BALL: Given this performance, it is debatable that any Texans player should win a game ball. However, Cameron Johnston, arguably the clubhouse leader for team MVP, had himself a game. six punts for 286 yards and a 47.7 yards per kick average. For reference, the Texans total offensive production: 148 yards.
SHOULD BE FORCED TO LISTEN TO A TED TALK ON REPEATING LOOP FROM DAN SNYDER DISCUSSING LEADERSHIP AND EFFECTIVE TEAM LEADERSHIP: Pretty much everyone not named Cam Johnston. One must hope that this is the low point, because it is hard to see anything worse. Five yards of total offense in the first half is bad by any measure. I guess if you convert it into inches, it looks better (180), but not by much. Mills continues to reaffirm for the Texans that he is not the answer at quarterback. The Houston lines were not-present. There is always next week, but I wouldn’t blame you if you were waiting for spring, with the hope of the draft, and the Astros returning to play ball.
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