Houston Texans kick off Kyle Allen era: Hair of the Dog Week 12 - Texans at Dolphins

“The more things change, the more they stay the same.”

“Rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.”

“BOHICA”

We all have our favorite cliches/catchphrases that describe a situation where no matter what you do, not matter how to try to manage/mitigate it, the same, negative end result emerges. It is common occurrence in life, and it is an all too common occurrence for the Houston Texans in 2022. The team decided that it was time to move on from Davis Mills as the starting quarterback, allowing backup Kyle Allen to get a chance to see what he could do. Never mind he was not named the starter until Friday, and he was splitting precious practice reps with Mills, reps that if he was going to be the starter, he (Allen) should have been taking.

Ultimately, it would make little difference in this game. Miami blasted Houston early and often, and by the time the 3rd quarter rolled around, it was 30-0. It could and perhaps should have been a greater deficit, but then Miami thought it would be charitable, or more a troll, to just put in the backups mid-way through the 3rd and see the game out. Houston almost made Miami sweat a little, but then the Houston Texans of 2022 did what they have been doing all year ... lost.

Yes, your Battle Red Blog masthead weathered this game (ideally so you wouldn’t have to) and as always, we had our real-time takes on the matter. Also included were discussions about money, life and the age-old question of who would win in a fight: a cat, or a wasp? As always, swear words are replaced with [KITTEN], so as to make this a little more suitable for work, unless your co-workers realize you are reading about the Texans. In that case, they then report you to HR for introducing corrupting material to corporate resources.

With that, on with the ‘Dog:

vballretired

Okay no Eno Benjamin. Someone explain this to me like I’m a five year old.

Much happier that Burkhead is still the backup. Why bring in a superior back when you got ‘em

Patrick

Cal McNair wanted someone to play video games against, maybe, I dunno.

I like to imagine Cal wanted to get Kyler Murray so they could play Call of Duty II with him but Caserio haggled until they settled on Eno Benjamin because Cal is dumb and doesn’t know any better.

FIRST QUARTER

TEXANS POSSESSION

vballretired

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss

Patrick

CHUM CHUM CHUM CHUM

Well...Allen’s at least more mobile than Mills.

vballretired

Joe Sideline the intended receiver

DOLPHINS POSSESSION

vballretired

A three and out. Shocking.

Sadly our defense is just a little less talented than theirs

Patrick

Sad but not surprising.

Aw, [Durga], I’m gonna have to hear Craig Robinson sing about Burger King all day, aren’t I? That might be worse than the Texans game.

vballretired

It’s debatable

Patrick

I know. That’s how bad it is!

vballretired

All hail penalty defense

Come on Tampa. The one week I root for you

Patrick

Next week’s the Browns game.

vballretired

The true no lose scenario

Patrick

No, because unless it ends in a tie, one of our draft picks is going to take a hit next year.

vballretired

Thinking of the reverse of that U2 line “they got with nothing to lose and nothing left to win.”

Patrick

Ahhhhhh, now I get it.

I’m starting to feel personally attacked by those “turning into your dad” ads.

vballretired

Way ahead of you, one was actually wearing a shirt I own..

DOLPHINS FIELD GOAL: MIAMI 3 – HOUSTON 0

TEXANS POSSESSION

vballretired

A very Texans return on that kickoff

Patrick

I don’t know what that return was, but don’t do that anymore.

A FIRST DOWN IN THE FIRST QUARTER!

Patrick

It’s a Black Friday miracle!

vballretired

It’s almost as if teams have figured out that Pierce is all we got

Patrick

They’re daring Allen to try and beat them in the air.

vballretired

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Patrick

[KITTEN], Mills would’ve at least thrown that away.

vballretired

Would he have? But would he have?

Patrick

...maybe?

I just remember seeing a whole lot of that back when Allen was at UH. It didn’t...uh...usually end great.

vballretired

Are we destined for the Jeff Driskel experience?

Patrick

Just strike me dead now if we are.

Bucs just tied the Browns.

DOLPHINS POSSESSION

Kenneth L

This game is an ick

Our offense is horrific

Patrick

I love that Texans Iron Man costume complete with mask.

vballretired

I loved the whole “we aren’t naming a starting QB because it gives us a competitive advantage” Lovie should do the national poker circuit because if you can say that with a straight face you can lie to anyone

Patrick

It’s Kyle Allen, they’re trying to make him do stuff.

I watch Tua’s rise in Miami and remember all the trade talk for What’s His Face and realize that Tua would never develop as a QB if he had been traded here during all that mess.

vballretired

I honestly don’t see any way Lovie is not one and done

Patrick

Well, is Josh McCown busy? That would probably extend his contract.

Fourth and one and they convert like it’s nothing.

vballretired

Nice competitive defense there

Patrick

Oh swell, who’s hurt now?

vballretired

Harris out

Patrick

ALREADY!?

He just got off the injured list.

vballretired

He walked off if that’s any consolation

Patrick

itssomething.png

vballretired

Touchdown Dolphins

DOLPHINS TOUCHDOWN, DOLPHINS LEAD 10-0

Patrick

Time to start drinking.

vballretired

Pending extra point

Patrick

Gotta admit though that was a nice throw by Tua.

vballretired

Yeah and nice controlled scrambling

l4blitzer

Glad to see the Texans are getting off to the start we all expected.

vballretired

Yet in a non-snarky moment I wanted to see this. Needed definitive proof that coaching is a serious issue

TEXANS POSSESSION

Patrick

This is how I know that hell isn’t real or isn’t going to be that big a deal when I get down there. After millennia of torture and pain, you start to just feel like it’s all sort of ho-hum, seen it before, done it before. And in a weird way the pain becomes almost familiar and then hell completely loses its purpose.

Wait, again?

Kenneth L

Defense is now falling a part

l4blitzer

Using my ESPN to predict the first INT for Allen I guess

vballretired

Allen not told until Friday…Durga what a kitten show this team is

Patrick

Wow, that Jerry Hughes kick is the best hit the Texans have made all season.

At this point, I’m starting to wonder if what Miami is doing is like the NFL equivalent of putting the bumpers in the gutters when you’re bowling.

vballretired

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Patrick

Like they’re TRYING to make it harder for themselves.

l4blitzer

AH, the first ill-timed penalty of the day.

A pity penalty from Miami? Ok

Patrick

We gained yards!

vballretired

McRay out there

They looked at our groupthink this week and said,”here, hold my beer.”

Patrick

For those of you wondering if the offense could be worse, the answer is a resounding and unequivocal “yes.”

vballretired

Wouldn’t a commercial for Durga be great?

Patrick

Look at all those cocaine speedboats.

DOLPHINS POSSESSION

l4blitzer

I think the US Government is looking into using game footage of the Texans offense for “enhanced interrogation techniques”

vballretired

It’s being dropped by our war planes in Iraq

l4blitzer

Gee, this Hill guy is fast. Let’s give him a lot of space to run.

vballretired

Maybe interspersed with some David Culley press conference footage

END OF 1st QUARTER. Aquatic Mammals 10 - Land Based Agricultural Creatures 0

vballretired

Here come the Bears

That’s Peterman at QB for them

l4blitzer

He is about the only QB who would be worse than any on the Texans

Patrick

And it’s raining, oh my [DURGA], I want to watch the Peterman game instead.

vballretired

Sorry Trevor Semien. False alarm

Patrick

Can we become Jets fans for today so we can watch and make fun of Nate Peterman all day?

Oh [DURGA][KITTEN], don’t play with my heart like that VB.

l4blitzer

I second the motion

vballretired

That’s on me fellas

l4blitzer

Well, you are on notice. No declaration of Peterman sighting unless he is actually lined up under center

vballretired

I have to do better

Patrick

After the game, we’re going to go look at the film of this HOTD and make some adjustments.

But you’re still battlefightin’ and I respect and appreciate that.

l4blitzer

A stop? Are the Dolphins losing some focus here?

vballretired

My playcalling privileges could be revoked

HOUSTON POSSESSION

Patrick

Woohoo! I can’t wait to see what wonders we perform here!

vballretired

I can confirm it’s still Kyle Allen out there

Patrick

For reasons that elude me, the BWW here has Broncos/Panthers on the big screen and I cannot figure out why.

vballretired

Someone has to win that game right?

l4blitzer

On the plus side, we have nearly tripled our 1st half offensive production, up to 16 yards.

Patrick

The fact that Pierce could make that run into a positive gain is more just how good a player Pierce is and not a complete indictment of our offense as a whole.

vballretired

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Patrick

[DURGA], y’all, Davis Mills could’ve done that.

vballretired

That’s was the worst pass I’ve ever seen

Patrick

And he just might! He has his helmet on!

vballretired

I could have done that

Nice competitive defense

l4blitzer

So my INT call was off by one series.

Patrick

We might as well have not been on the field for that one.

TD fish.

Patrick

Does nobody call the Dolphins the Fish anymore?

DOLPHINS WITH THE EASY INT AFTER A WTF THROW FROM ALLEN

WILSON WITH THE 3 YARD TD. DOLPHINS 17 - TEXANS 0; 12:22, 2nd

HOU POSSESSION (Gulp)

vballretired

When you take away Pierce it is just a whole festival of sadness

Patrick

Sigh...

l4blitzer

“Success needs to happen for Kyle Allen…” can understand that from Ware, but not real confident that is gonna happen here.

vballretired

Wow that was a hit

Oh, I’m listening to the sixth string CBS crew

Patrick

Yep. We got the dregs once again.

vballretired

They do know you don’t have to get blown out to get the number one pick right? It’s not like you get extra picks for losing by 20 or more

Patrick

Yes, but why lose close when you can do it in style?

MIA POSSESSION

vballretired

It’s the NFL version of Major League but just Spring Training stuck on loop

I’m not sure that pocket was clean enough. Maybe if he had another ten seconds to throw

Kenneth L

Germany-Spain is about to start. I’m going to watch that instead and record this

Patrick

Honestly, you’re probably making the right call.

l4blitzer

At the moment, the primary RBs in the game are averaging 1 yard/carry. Probably won’t last, but still

vballretired

Hey, run defense….

Patrick

Run what now?

vballretired

Can they run continuous clock?

Maybe say to [KITTEN] with halftime. Let’s just finish this kitten.

Patrick

Nah, even soccer has halftime.

Besides, we’ll probably wind up with stoppage time or something.

vballretired

FG Dolphins.

vballretired

20-0 Dolphins

vballretired

There will never be a shortage of kitteny Christmas movies

Patrick

As long as Hallmark Channel exists, they will become our primary export as a nation.

Best return by the Texans all day.

vballretired

That was CBS though

Patrick

I think they have a deal with Hallmark? Either way, even if it’s not, it follows the same formula.

vballretired

That was hilarious.

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Patrick

Five yard loss there. Definitely better without Mills...I guess? Or not. I don’t know. It’s all just different kinds of vanilla at this point.

vballretired

This sequence is pure comedy gold

Patrick

[DURGA] [KITTEN]ing [KITTEN] this [KITTEN]ing team.

vballretired

Oh my Durga this is glorious

Patrick

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO.

l4blitzer

Best hustle by the offense all game (fumble recovery)

vballretired

Oh come on, they have 28 points in them. Sure they do.

That offensive series brought to you by Lonestar Fertilizer.

l4blitzer

That second one, not so much

MIA WITH A FUMBLE RECOVERY FOR A TD; MIA 27 - HOU 0; 4:59, 2nd

vballretired

27-0 Fish

I wanna hear the postgame on 610. Those guys pull no punches.

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Another sack

HOU POSSESSION

l4blitzer

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Texans with a 1st down…and Allen gets sacked again

vballretired

Oh my Durga! A punt

Patrick

I feel like I should request hazard pay for the lot of us for having to watch this game.

vballretired

Cleveland and Tampa tied in the only game that matters

l4blitzer

Needs to be tax free at this point

2 MINUTE WARNING

vballretired

Hughes almost with a sack

Joe Critz

This game is BAD

l4blitzer

The commentators reminding us about the 2015 debacle. That was 41-0 at the worst. This might be far worse.

Patrick

Joe, that might be the understatement of the season.

MIA POSSESSION

Joe Critz

This is like surprising even for how bad this team this

Patrick

Can we get to a solid 30-0 before the half, or do they go the whole hog and go 34-0?

Joe Critz

Maybe my expectations were too high

Joe Critz

Whole hog!!!

vballretired

Whole hog

Joe Critz

Hair of the the hog!!!

Patrick

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bulls soooie!

Joe Critz

Hahaha

I was hoping Arkansas would be real good this year

The Texans could take their running back in the draft!

vballretired

Can we somehow be 33rd in the power rankings?

Patrick

Well, Joe? Can it be done?

vballretired

Maybe rank Georgia in front or half the SEC

Patrick

I thought they would be too. I guess they just had some bad luck in scheduling.

Joe Critz

It’s time to invent a team…

vballretired

Wow that was competitive

l4blitzer

If this was in college, at least the Texans would be looking forward to a nice $1 - 1.5M payday for this beat down from Miami

Joe Critz

Arkansas could’ve been 8-4 or even 9-3 this year if a few plays in a few games would’ve gone their way

Patrick

“Ugh...this is why we don’t play Miami, Nick! They paid us in cocaine!”

Joe Critz

Hahaha

All they put in these duffel bags was cocaine and dolphin meat!

Patrick

“WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A PALLET OF COCAINE, ALAN?!”

vballretired

Face mask on that sack

Patrick

Me just now: OM[D] THEY GOT A—oh, there’s a flag, never mind that won’t count.

l4blitzer

Commentators are beyond frustrated with the Texans defense. I expect that they will start drinking quite heavily in the second half, even if they are not pre-med.

vballretired

But the whole hog is in play

Patrick

WHOLE HOG WHOLE HOG WHOLE HOG WHOLE HOG WHOLE HOG!

vballretired

Pitre has the worst hands ever

[KITTEN], just 30-0

30-0 Dolphins at the half

l4blitzer

Wow. Miami just managed to clock it.

Patrick

Okay, half hog

MIAMI ENDS THE HALF WITH A 35 YARD FG; THE NOT PORPOISES 30 - THE NOT BULLS 0…THIS GAME STILL HAS ANOTHER HALF?

vballretired

Need a loudmouthed Texan with a white Cadillac with horns on the front

Patrick

Michael Shannon would make the most terrifying George Jones I’ve ever seen.

vballretired

They’ve already done Sam Elliott and Harrison Ford. Any other old actors you weren’t sure were still alive?

Patrick

Aw man, the game’s back on.

l4blitzer

Does someone have sway with the league office, so that we can get the rest of the Texans games played with a running clock?

vballretired

Let’s see, that’s zero points on 30ish yards? That’s all they got?

THIRD QUARTER (APPARENTLY, THE NFL DOES NOT EMPLOY A MERCY RULE)

Patrick

Oh good, the fins get the ball to start.

This can’t end badly.

vballretired

Looks like they’ll crush our run defense just to complete the humiliation

Patrick

Our what now?

vballretired

I threw up in my mouth a little typing it

Patrick

PITRE!!! OH, that’s not gonna count is it?

l4blitzer

Hey, our run _efense has held Miami to 20 yards rushing.

Patrick

Yep.

vballretired

Pitre actually caught a ball but it’s a penalty so never mind

Patrick

Thanks for [KITTEN] all, Nelson.

vballretired

Harris out by the way

Patrick

Surprise, surprise.

vballretired

A sack

l4blitzer

Wow, Vandermeer with a really loud sigh over the radio. They are clearing drinking straight from Jack Daniels bottle right now.

vballretired

If he slurs let me know

Patrick

They should have Long Island iced teas instead. They work faster.

vballretired

Another sack….clearly stat padding

Patrick

Or if he screams “mother[KITTEN]er!” I’ll take either at this point.

vballretired

Thinking of Bob Uecker circa Major League 2

l4blitzer

Wow, the Texans _efense with a couple of plays.

Patrick

“One [DURGA][KITTEN] first down?” “You can’t say [DURGA][KITTEN] on the air!” “Who cares, nobody’s listening anyway.”

HOU POSSESSION. (Pause for collective groan)

Patrick

...Mother.

vballretired

Thinking of the scene where he passed out and the color guy had to take over

I’d love to hear him slur, “Andre I’m in the bag.”

Man this offense is just horrifically awful.

Patrick

Andre: Allen pass...intercepted.

vballretired

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Patrick

Do y’all suppose they put Kyle Allen in just so Lovie could make a point about how much of a difference Davis Mills makes to this team?

l4blitzer

At least the Rockets can score some buckets and play some exciting ball. What is this from Houston?

Patrick

[KITTEN] it. We still won a World Series.

l4blitzer

Eh, there is always schadenfreude scrolling of Yankees and Dodgers accounts about this World Series. With the Texans, they are so bad, it is not even worth the bad play jokes.

MIA POSSESSION AFTER THE TEXANS, REMARKABLY, DO NOT CONVERT A THIRD DOWN

vballretired

Yup, still remember those 50 win teams when I had to tell the harsh truth to my daughter that the train wasn’t going anywhere.

Another sack

l4blitzer

Well, Miami coaches are secretly happy, as they will have some key teaching points for practice this week

vballretired

Mark it down here. Lovie will brag on this defensive line

Patrick

“Look at all the sacks we got. And that interception if it wasn’t called back on a penalty!”

vballretired

Tampa Bay has pulled ahead

Patrick

Oh no, we’re about to get the ball back.

vballretired

Had some nice punts and some good returns

Take away the interception, fumble, and have about 20 more plays go the other way we would have almost been competitive

HOU POSSESSION (WHY DO THAT, WHEN THE DEFENSE IS STARTING TO SHOW SOME LIFE)

vballretired

Go into Fetal position offense and just take a knee.

Patrick

I defy you to explain to me how a site called Nuts.com has existed since 1921.

vballretired

Watching my cat take on a wasp is actually providing some free entertainment. I got 20 on the wasp.

l4blitzer

A violation of the time-space continuum.

Patrick

That...that was good.

Oh man that poor cat.

So here’s a question: Have we been on the Dolphins side of the field at all so far today?

I think this might be the first time?

l4blitzer

Why is the cat fighting the wasp? Shouldn’t said cat be trying to climb up all the Christmas trees and decorations, or is that just our cat?

vballretired

No decorations yet

l4blitzer

Got it.

vballretired

Kick the field goal now

Patrick

My wife nearly killed my cat many years ago for mucking around with the tree. He broke one of her favorite Polish crystal ornaments and I thought she was going to murder him right then and there.

l4blitzer

GLORY TO GARBAGE TIME OFFENSE!!!

vballretired

No breakable ornaments. It’s a rookie mistake

l4blitzer

We’ve had to banish the cat out of the room with the tree. It will be a month-long struggle to see how said cat manages to sneak past the defenses.

Patrick

In my defense, it was our first Christmas together.

vballretired

Live and learn

Patrick

And the Mrs. didn’t grow up with pets so it was a steeeeeeeep learning curve.

l4blitzer

Unlike the Texans, you actually learned from your mistakes.

vballretired

Oh wait, are we driving?

Touchdown Texans!

Patrick

IT’S NOT A SHUTOUT! IT’S NOT A SHUTOUT!

l4blitzer

Uh, wait, what??? Ah, the patented Garbage Time Offense (tm) in effect

vballretired

Denver is just awful by the way

OGUNBOWALE WITH THE 3 YARD RUN, BUT IS UNABLE TO COMPLETE HIS FIRST CAREER OCTOPUS: MIA 30 - HOU 6; 3:18, 3RD

Patrick

“Career Octopus?”

vballretired

What no Burkhead?

l4blitzer

Will check to see if he has done this outside of Houston, but the Octopus: Scoring the TD and the 2pt conversion.

vballretired

It’s time for the back door cover

Patrick

Today I realized that in 30 years or so, people will consider that “Reindeer in Here” special as much of a cl[KITTEN]ic as I do the Rankin-B[KITTEN] Rudolph Christmas Special and I have never felt older in my life. I feel like I chose the wrong grail.

They benched Tua. This game is over.

vballretired

Blow the whistle. Blow the whistle! Blow the [D][K] whistle!!

Patrick

Ahhhh, I should’ve guessed that.

l4blitzer

Confirmed, he has not ever scored on a 2 point conversion. Will have to wait for another drive to get the Octopus

MIA POSSESSION

vballretired

Gaining those rushing yards. Will they get to 100 in rushing?

Patrick

Probably. And they’ll point to that as a sign of encouragement.

vballretired

It’s a fumble recovery!!!!

Patrick

Holy [KITTEN], we got the fumble!

THE DEFENSE DID A THING!!!

Aw maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, now we have to watch our offense.

vballretired

Akins has been a find….other than the fumble

HOU WITH THE FUMBLE RECOVERY AT THE 50

Patrick

Probably a little early for garbage time but against the Texans, it’s probably the right call.

vballretired

Pregame warmups is garbage time

END OF THE 3RD QUARTER: MIAMI 30 - HOUSTON 6.

vballretired

Back door cover baby!

l4blitzer

Miami was favored by 14. The over/under: 47. We might, might, just get there.

vballretired

Never mind

l4blitzer

A clutch false start there by Howard. Help pad the yardage from Allen.

vballretired

It’s another touchdown!

Patrick

Whuh?

vballretired

Back door cover!

Patrick

I don’t mind them going for two, but damn it’s going to make trying to cover sooooo much harder.

Okay.

vballretired

A pass to Tunsil doesn’t work? Shocked

Patrick

I did not just see Kyle Allen attempt to complete a pass to Laremy Tunsil right?

Please tell me I imagined that.

vballretired

Ummm, well…..errrr….

Patrick

[DURGA][KITTEN].

That really happened, didn’t it?

KYLE ALLEN WITH HIS FIRST TD PASS OF 25 YARDS TO AKINS, BUT THE CONVERSION PASS TO LAREMY TUNSIL DID NOT WORK. DOLPHINS 30 - TEXANS 12; 12:46, 4th

Patrick

Oh no, it did happen.

vballretired

Please tell me I’m hallucinating Tulsa King

That’s not a thing is it?

Patrick

Nope.

That is a thing that is happening.

Why? I have no earthly idea.

vballretired

Sylvester Stallone as a concert pianist? To the theatre!

Looks like another punt for the Dolphins

HOU POSSESSION

l4blitzer

Wow, this Garbage Time Offense is kinda making things interesting

Patrick

If they get a TD here, they might just cover and I might yet get to live.

The three people who read my posts won’t want my head if they cover.

vballretired

Burkhead!

Patrick

If you just took a cursory look at the score, you might think the all field goal offense has been in effect the entire game.

vballretired

30-15. Lovie is not interested in your paltry back door cover wager

Patrick

But no, it wasn’t even a good day for the all field goal offense.

FAIRBARIN ENTERS THE GAME WITH A 28 YARD FG: MIA 30 - HOU 15; 9:00, 4th

Patrick

Just one field goal. C’mon you losers, just give me one field goal so the Texans can cover.

l4blitzer

Unfortunately, the Texans, if they follow “the chart” will only be playing for TDs. So, they will either fail miserably, or more than cover.

MIA POSSESSION

Patrick

I miss Gary Kubiak’s Denny’s menu. At least it had a good offense written on it.

This...I don’t know what the [KITTEN] this is.

l4blitzer

How funny would it be if Miami comes to regret not scoring that TD at the end of the 1st half?

Patrick

Go for it, you cowards.

I’d laugh my [KITTEN] off, that’s for sure.

HOU POSSESSION

l4blitzer

Miami didn’t even take 2 mins off the clock. With only a 15 point lead, you probably need to do a bit better at this point.

Patrick

Teagan Quitoriano making his presence known, for better and for worst.

Chronicle tomorrow, probably: Did Kyle Allen improve over the course of the game?

vballretired

Oh sure

l4blitzer

Hmmm….time to see what Pep Hamilton has for the ol’ 4th and 20

Or, you know, you could just punt and not bother

MIA POSSESSION

vballretired

Hmmmmm

Patrick

Stop throwing the ball, you’re only making this game last longer.

vballretired

Yeah, more offense

l4blitzer

Miami is going to have a few questions to answer after this game. Mainly, while it was only the Texans and all, going to garbage time so soon?

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick

No matter how bad the Texans are, at least we still have Lovie Smith’s beard to inspire and lead us to greatness.

Who’s hurt?

It’s Burkhead.

Again, stop throwing the ball, you’re just making this take longer.

vballretired

We can expect the obligatory “we were close” postgame

Burkhead may be out awhile

Patrick

Yeah, this looks pretty serious.

Poor guy. I don’t want him on the team but I didn’t want anything to happen to him like this.

vballretired

Maybe a concussion

Patrick

Where, exactly, was that pass going, Kyle Allen?

At this rate, I may have to start labeling Kyle Allen as former Texas A&M QB Kyle Allen.

Because I don’t need that kind of stink attached to my college football program of choice.

l4blitzer

Can the Texans beat the line?

Patrick

With a field goal, yes.

But that ain’t happening.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

l4blitzer

If it did, then you know that gamblers have taken over the league.

Well, that was practically a punt….

Patrick

Arm punt.

MIA WITH THE INT; MIA POSSESSION

TWO MINUTE WARNING

Patrick

Thank. Durga.

l4blitzer

Texans with one timeout left.

Patrick

All the Dolphins fans are gone.

Look at all the Texans fans out there.

In the empty seats.

l4blitzer

Dolphins appear to have iced it with the run for a 1st down

Patrick

Victory formation. Any gamblers who took my advice today are going to murder me to death.

Patrick

Wow, they didn’t waste time, they already changed the channel to France/Denmark.

vballretired

We are watching Jacksonville here….Cleveland in OT

FINAL: MIAMI 30 - HOUSTON 15. ONLY 6 MORE GAMES LEFT (FORTUNATELY)

vballretired

Gosh Chubb is going to eat us alive next week

Jacksonville may actually win this game

GAME BALLS: Nope, sorry, can’t do it. For the third game in a row, the Texans failed to muster anywhere near 100 yards of offense in the 1st half. On top of that, they have allowed their opponents to build up bigger and bigger halftime leads. Yeah, the team moved the ball, got a couple of turnovers and logged some sacks in the second half, but those actions reek of garbage time/stat-padding moves. Pierce can’t get it going, the line can’t block, the defense can’t stop anyone, and it does not matter who is at QB. Even the vaunted special teams couldn’t help the squad much in the 1st half. Unfortunately, no game ball for this week.

SHOULD BE FORCED TO CLEAN UP THE NIGHTCLUBS ALONG MIAMI BEACH AFTER A BIG WEEKEND OF PARTYING: Well, it doesn’t take a huge leap of logic to see that if no one wins the game ball, then everyone is on the bad-person list. First up on bathroom clean-up duty: Pep Hamilton and Lovie Smith. The regression of this team is not really based on the quality of the opposition, so much as it is the ineptitude of the Texans. The team is not ready to go, and by the time they can figure something out, the games are out of reach. For good measure, they should be assisted by Miami Head Coach Mike McDaniel, for while the 1st half of the game couldn’t have gone any better, he almost sabotaged it with his second half strategy of “[KITTEN] it.” Yes, the Dolphins won and even managed to cover the spread, but in the NFL, you can’t give an inch to even an incompetent team like Houston. Pull that against anyone else, and you’ll be spending the next couple of press conferences trying to explain how you blew a ginormous lead.