HAIR OF THE DOG Week 9 - Philadelphia Eagles at Houston Texans, or: The Second Biggest Matchup Between the Two Cities on Thursday

Somehow, we are now over the halfway mark of the NFL season. Where has the time gone? One minute, we are settling in for preseason football, then before you know it, we are watching teams jockeying for playoff position. Or, in the case of the Houston Texans, figuring out which of the top draft prospects they can get with their high draft picks. Yes, the Texans, uh, are not good. In a matchup for worst vs. first, the “first” (Philadelphia Eagles) showed that while they may not be all-time great, they are still the superior of the Texans. Thus continues the NFL tradition that no Houston-based NFL franchise has ever beaten the Eagles.

However, the Eagles/Texans tilt was relegated to undercard status this Thursday night. The attention of both cities did not linger at NRG, but at Citizens Park, where the Astros and Phillies dueled on the diamond in a pivotal World Series game five. (By the time of publication, we know that game five went the Astros’ way (3-2), and that Houston came home Saturday night to #LevelUp, winning 4-1 to take the series 4-2, and clinch the team’s second World Series in six years.).

So while you are enjoying the revelry of the Astros (if you are an Astros fan), and need something to bring you back down to earth, we present this week’s HOTD. As per standard, all swear words have been replaced with [KITTEN] for classic work decorum. Other potentially controversial words have also been modified (we’ll see if you can pick up on those).

On to the ‘Dog:

bigfatdrunk

I hope the Texans get motorboated tonight. I want the difference between a well-run organization and a 10-ring circus to be as stark and explicit as possible. Sell the kittening team, McNairs, you bunch of incompetent #FAILCHILDREN.

Patrick

If you’re gonna steal my lines then what am I even doing here?

bigfatdrunk

I have the utmost confidence you can pile-on to the #FAILCHILDREN with excitement and glee.

vballretired

Let’s make it a party

vballretired

Let’s give Amazon some credit. They are working overtime to hype this kitten of a game.

Patrick

Wow, there’s people here

FIRST TEXANS POSSESSION

Patrick

Go Stros.

These red helmets are trippy.

vballretired

Peña got caught stealing. I wish they would stop doing that

Patrick

Now that’s how you want to start a game.

vballretired

Hey wait a minute. Are they moving the ball?

Patrick

Amazing what happens when they give Pierce the ball.

So this is probably a stupid question but I want to ask it anyway: If you knew that a Texans loss tonight would mean an Astros win in game five, but not guarantee winning the WS, do you take that deal?

vballretired

He might get 40 Carrie’s

Carrie’s

[KITTEN] autocorrect

Kenneth L.

Alright right thread hahahah

vballretired

Burkhead!

Kenneth L.

Offense feels smooth

vballretired

We might be looking at a bunker mentality

bigfatdrunk

Wow, this is embarrassing if you are an Eagles fan.

Patrick

What the [KITTEN] is this team?

Joe Critz

WOOOO

WHATS GOING ON

vballretired

The rookie tight end!

TEXANS SCORE MILLS TO TEAGAN QUITORIANO, LIKE EVERYONE EXPECTED.

TEXANS LEAD 7-0

Kenneth L.

I CANT FEEL MY TOES

Jeremy

lol

vballretired

You have three days to come up with that drive but can’t muster anything after the bye?

Ooh prime vision

EAGLES FIRST POSSESSION

Patrick

Strap in, kids.

vballretired

Did the line move when Cooks was announced as out?

Kenneth L.

A little

vballretired

15? 16?

Patrick

Last I saw it was 14.5, but that was two days ago so I have no idea.

vballretired

Why are the Eagles passing? Didn’t they get the memo?

Patrick

Ironically the line is currently Eagles -7

vballretired

Voodoo witch doctor is the only explanation

Never mind

Patrick

No, the other explanation is we haven’t had to play defense yet.

vballretired

I mean why they aren’t exploiting our main weakness

Patrick

[KITTEN], game tied 1-1.

Kenneth L.

Nelson looks good

Joe Critz

Nelson has been a great pickup

SHOOT

vballretired

Must be the Jedi mind trick “You will pass the ball. You won’t gash us for eight yards a pop.”

Patrick

That said, they are matriculating the ball down the field ::kills self::

vballretired

Almost picked by Pitre

I know they’re gaining yards, but their refusal to run is baffling.

Patrick

[ALTUVE], this is an Eagles home game.

vballretired

Maybe this will be the mirror image of Sunday. 400 yards passing.

Patrick

83 missed tackles, [ALTUVE] I love that stat. It’s so perfectly awful and doesn’t need any explanation as to why it’s perfectly awful.

vballretired

The Ins and Outs will be fun

EAGLES TOUCHDOWN. GAME TIED 7-7.

vballretired

Nice competitive run defense on that play. I think I could have scored.

TEXANS POSSESSION

END OF FIRST, GAME TIED 7-7.

SECOND QUARTER

Patrick

I have a bad feeling about Verlander here.

bigfatdrunk

I guess the best thing about Texans games this year is that, with all of the rushing, the games go by pretty quickly. That’s nice. Less torture.

Patrick

Ah, the ol’ Laremy Tunsil false start. Say thank you, class.

bigfatdrunk

THANK YOU, CLASS!

Kenneth L.

I thought that was a collarbone

EAGLES POSSESSION

bigfatdrunk

Yes, Mills should use his legs more, especially while holding the football like a cafeteria lunch tray.

bigfatdrunk

Owens does what he does best!

Kenneth L.

Blitz too slow

Devonta too fast

HURTS LOSES THE BALL, TEXANS RECOVER TEXANS POSSESSION

Patrick

Holy crap, this game is not going according to plan.

Kenneth L.

We have been bringing pressure and it’s working. Throwing out the playbook

bigfatdrunk

It amazes me how inaccurate Mills is at times. I mean, he misses guys by yards, not feet.

Patrick

That was gross.

Oh thank [ALTUVE]. Now it’s a Texans game.

bigfatdrunk

Mills has the pocket awareness of a brick.

EAGLES POSSESSION

vballretired

Voodoo witchcraft

There it is. The vaunted run defense.

Patrick

Uh oh, they found our soft spot.

bigfatdrunk

OWENS!!!

I cannot tell y’all how much entertainment I get from watching Owens make tackles way down the field.

Addison got pancaked so badly that he may not recover.

vballretired

Anything worth doing is worth doing right

Patrick

Wait what?

Since when?

[KITTEN], I’ve been doing it all wrong.

vballretired

You gotta keep making those safety tackles on running plays

Kenneth L.

They are ramming it down our throats

Game is moving quick

bigfatdrunk

Nelson celebrating the first down for the Iggles. Well done, man!

Kenneth L.

Kirk Hinish got moved

We need a NT

Patrick

We’ve needed one since Wilfork retired.

vballretired

Oh kittens

EAGLES TOUCHDOWN. EAGLES LEAD 14-7.

Patrick

Sigh...

Kenneth L.

Right through the middle

Patrick

I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed, my battle red sons.

Kenneth L.

Christian Harris needs to do more

I will say. Our running game looks good

Patrick

It is downright stunning. Even Burkhead isn’t completely useless tonight.

Kenneth L.

LETS GO STROS

Patrick

Pena solo shot no-doubter. 2-1 Astros

Syndergaard out of the game.

Kenneth L.

My toes are numbbbbbbb again

Give me that bullpen

Patrick

Time to rock that [KITTEN]

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwww

That was some Marshawn Lynch energy right there.

I don’t know how long we got him for with the way he runs but by [ALTUVE] I’m glad we got him.

Kenneth L.

Kenyon Green is the man right now

MILLS TO CHRIS MOORE FOR THE TOUCHDOWN, RULED AN INCOMPLETE PASS, BEING REVIEWED.

Patrick

No, seriously, what the hell is going on here?

Ruled incomplete. That makes more sense now.

bigfatdrunk

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

That looks like a catch to me.

The worst part is that the Mills homers will again say he is a sure-fire HOFer, and then Mills will look like kitten again next week.

Kitten, I really hate Mills.

RULING OVERTURNED. TOUCHDOWN IS GOOD. GAME TIED 14-14.

EAGLES POSSESSION

HALFTIME. GAME TIED 14-14. EAGLES GET POSSESSION AT SECOND HALF.

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

Kenneth L.

Wow go Texans. This offense looks effective on the ground. Our run defense is pathetic

Kenyon Green is the MVP

vballretired

We crack on these guys in bad times but they are playing a superior football team even. The defense still can stop the run but they’ve made enough plays to keep us in it. This might have been Mills best half of football all season.

bigfatdrunk

Before we get too excited about Davis Mills tonight, let’s see if he can actually (akshully) put up more than 20 points in a game.

vballretired

You’re good. A half of football is still just a half of football.

bigfatdrunk

OMK, I want the BREAD car WHOO!!!

THIRD QUARTER

Patrick

What bread car?

EAGLES POSSESSION

vballretired

Hughes with a sack

Patrick

And they’re gonna convert anyway. This run defense is special.

vballretired

Erased by a 12 yard run

Patrick

This team is confusing.

vballretired

Hughes with another one

Joe Critz

Jerry Hughes making some plays!

This team is so funny

bigfatdrunk

Are they just not blocking Hughes? That seems like a weird strategy.

TEXANS POSSESSION

Joe Critz

This is the win that knocks us away from CJ Stroud

Except I don’t think we’re gonna win this game

vballretired

That’s my Horned Frog fellow alum

Now this looks familiar

Patrick

[KITTEN]ing Bryce Harper.

EAGLES POSSESSION

Patrick

I will be supremely disappointed if some up-and-coming rapper in Houston doesn’t chop and screw Al Michaels saying “Houston, Texas” in a cowboy accent and make a million dollars for it.

bigfatdrunk

Yeesh, I could gain 10 yards through some of those holes.

Patrick

Wow, a challenge that went our way. I’m stunned.

bigfatdrunk

Give the broadcast team that one.

TEXANS POSSESSION

Patrick

Dameon Pierce runs like he’s covered in greased owl [KITTEN].

bigfatdrunk

Hi, Kirk, it’s a super easy decision to move on from Davis Keenum.

Patrick

LOLOLOLOLOL

DAVIS MILLS INTERCEPTED.

EAGLES POSSESSION

bigfatdrunk

I cannot WAIT to hear how that one wasn’t Mills’ fault.

Patrick

That was fast and merciful.

EAGLES TD. EAGLES LEAD 21-14. TEXANS POSSESSION

bigfatdrunk

Look, you can’t blame Owens. He just wanted another long-gained tackle.

Kenneth L.

Owens is so [KITTEN]ing bad

Like my guy

HE IS RUNNING BY YOU

RUN

vballretired

There is why I specifically said best HALF of football

Patrick

So, do you think the Texans have six points in them before the fourth quarter?

bigfatdrunk

I don’t think I have ever seen a DB overrun the screen like that. Hilarious!

Patrick

Because all you’d need is a touchdown and a Fairbairn [KITTEN]up.

vballretired

Pierce needs to do a Leon commercial

Burkhead!

Patrick

“And then, and then when you’ve hit them over and over with your good hand, you SLAP HIM

Kenneth L.

He’s bleeding

Patrick

Al Michaels Grow Lovie Smith’s Beard Challenge.

vballretired

He’s good here and you only need one more field goal.

TEXANS FIELD GOAL. EAGLES LEAD 21-17.

vballretired

Another one score game going into the fourth.

The fourth quarter: it’s OUR time.

What place did Mills finish in the Heisman voting?

Wouldn’t it be nice to have an athlete like that?

EAGLES POSSESSION

Patrick

We did, but he was a very bad man.

Who did very bad things.

vballretired

Is that bad as in good?

Patrick

No, bad as in extremely not good.

bigfatdrunk

Is that bad is in bad, then? Bad good? Good bad?

vballretired

You can’t watch what we’re watching and look at Mills and say, “nah, we’re good.”

Patrick

I don’t think they think of it that way. They’re probably thinking “nah, none of them, we’re not ready yet.” or something.

vballretired

Or something

Patrick

Probably

vballretired

Brady is the only elite QB without the ability to scramble even just a little.

bigfatdrunk

So easy. So very easy.

vballretired

Although I can see the idea of investing heavy in defense. This defense is totally kittens

Patrick

I appreciate these teams not getting a ton of penalties. Makes getting our “DON’T LOOK AT US!” game out of the way that much faster.

EAGLES TOUCHDOWN. EAGLES LEAD 29-17.

vballretired

That was well defended

bigfatdrunk

Owens is starting to miss the point.

vballretired

You were saying something about penalties?

bigfatdrunk

[KITTEN], UT.

Patrick

[KITTEN]ing jinx machine’s broken again.

bigfatdrunk

That’s a whole lot of empty seats right there.

Patrick

They’ve been there.

vballretired

Nah, just late Halloween

All hail penalty offense

bigfatdrunk

Wow, that’s a weak-sauce call.

vballretired

Holy kittens. A Mills run for a first down.

bigfatdrunk

Even that out was a poor throw. It was late, high, and the WR had no chance to do anything after the catch.

Patrick

Wow, that was a hell of a non-catch

bigfatdrunk

Damn. Another crappy throw by Mills almost saved by Jordan.

Little Caesars is the Davis Mills of pizza.

[Ed Note: So much for that coveted Little Caesers sponsorship deal]

vballretired

I haven’t had them in years

Patrick

You’re missing nothing.

Not one single thing.

bigfatdrunk

Unless he likes cardboard.

vballretired

Hey, I can eat the box

Patrick

And red-flavored paste

bigfatdrunk

Wait, is this game being played in Philly???

Patrick

You would think, wouldn’t you?

Joe Critz

Ughhhh

bigfatdrunk

You can always count on Mills to take a clutch sack.

Joe Critz

That’s EXACTLY what I was gonna say

Patrick

EAGLES POSSESSION

Joe Critz

Mills is excellent at the just barely off pass and the clutch, deflating sack

vballretired

Could have thrown it away

Joe Critz

Could’ve even just ran it himself and tried to make it 4th and short and given the team a chance

vballretired

He’s the quintessential backup. You watch him make a few plays and wonder why isn’t he starting? Then, he shows you.

Joe Critz

Given the team anything besides relying entirely on the defense which is playing well above what they’re normally doing

vballretired

And they’ve scored 29 points with a missed field goal. I’d like to see what a bad defense looks like.

Patrick

How is this game still on?

vballretired

Sort of

Hughes is playing a good game

bigfatdrunk

Kittenuva game.

Joe Critz

At least the uniforms look cool

Can’t wait to see CJ Stroud or Hendon Hooker in em!

Sorry haha

Patrick

I don’t know if Pep Hamilton would know what to do with Hendon Hooker.

Joe Critz

At least Davis Mills got to have a few touchdowns and pretty passes in primetime

vballretired

Nice throw there to John Turf

Patrick

How the hell did Dorsett hang on to that?!

vballretired

The accuracy is overwhelming

Patrick

Whelming. It’s whelming.

bigfatdrunk

Mills still missed him badly.

Joe Critz

(To Patrick) Tyrod Taylor 2.0

vballretired

You can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed. Can you be whelmed?

Joe Critz

He’s just so acceptable!

vballretired

The Corn Flakes of QBs

Joe Critz

Which is honestly the last thing I wanted out of Davis mills this year

I wanted either him to be actually good and show it and be a big surprise or just crash and burn instantly so we could be over it fast

I guess this is fast but he’s just barely good enough to keep you holding ur breath until u drown in speculation

vballretired

Go for the field goal

bigfatdrunk

Only three minutes left. No sense of urgency.

Joe Critz

He saw that clutch interception!

Kenneth L.

Yikes Davis

bigfatdrunk

Woof.

vballretired

Hey, 12 point deficit. A lot of gamblers are holding their breath

Kenneth L.

Yikes what a sack

vballretired

We need a new center badly

Patrick

That was beautiful.

Joe Critz

THERE IT IS

vballretired

Hahagagagagaga

bigfatdrunk

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kenneth L.

THERE IT IS

vballretired

Ask and you shall receive BFD

bigfatdrunk

Yup!

Patrick

A symphony of tragedy, comedy, satire and horror, the Houston Texans.

bigfatdrunk

Another “best game of the season” for Mills where he can’t score more than 20 points.

vballretired

Beat half. Best half.

Joe Critz

SKDJXMKS

vballretired

I picked them to cover though so I am Nostradamus

bigfatdrunk

Nostradongus?

Joe Critz

sometimes Davis mills pain just makes me act up….

Patrick

I totally get it.

Joe Critz

It’s never just an interception with Davis mills either it’s always gotta be on 3rd down and there’s still maybe a chance or points are achievable and he makes the perfectly wrong play

Will Levis could be good but this season in college has not been good for him so far

I def like CJ Stroud and Hendon Hooker more now

vballretired

I want someone athletic

Kenneth L.

We are going to lose this game boys. And by then money line

Joe Critz

Unless the Texans want a d-lineman or o-lineman with their top 5 pick next year I don’t think there’s any reason to wait till the second pick to grab Will Levis or Anthony Richardson or some other qb if Stroud or Hooker are available

bigfatdrunk

That was poor timing.

vballretired

Alright. Looks like we cover.

EAGLES DEFEAT TEXANS 29-17.

vballretired

All hail covering the spread

bigfatdrunk

Look at all those Eagles unis in the stands. WOW.

Kenneth L.

I don’t like this

vballretired

Blew chances to score in the 7th and 8th

Patrick

I hate this so much.

Patrick

Never doubted them.

GAME BALLS: Well, after a one game absence, Dameon Pierce is back to his weekly spot of being the best player on the Texans roster. 27 carries for 139 yards. That’ll do. Another HOTD game ball for the trophy shelf. Also feeling a little generous, so we’ll throw one over to Phillip Dorsett, as he stepped up while the #1 receiver was out with, well, whatever he put on his Hurt Feelings Report. He lead the team with 69 receiving yards, and had a sweet 34 yard reception in the 1st quarter. Also, we’ll give a shout out to the red helmets. Looked good (even if the guys wearing them, uh, did not).

Also, to the Houston Astros, ‘cause, championship...and [ALTUVE] knows, the Houston sports fan is going to need some ray of optimism in what promises to be a major winter of sports discontent.

SHOULD BE FORCED TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE PHILLY PHANATIC’S MASSIVE POST-WORLD SERIES BENDER WHILE BEING SERENADED BY HORDES OF DRUNKEN PHILLY FANS WHO WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CLIMB UP LAMPPOSTS OR PUNCH OUT POLICE HORSES (IN A SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE MANNER): The (alleged) #1 receiver Brandin Cooks, for filing a Hurt Feeling Report, even after signing such a deal in the off-season that made an in-season trade all but impossible. The Texans _efense gave up far fewer yards rushing this week, but they still surrendered 143 of them...bad by league averages, but good by Texans’ standards. Also, the _efense allowed Houston native Jalen Hurts to treat them like he did so many lower tier SEC and Big 12 schools in college. Davis Mills has his moments, but two brutal interceptions and a overall horrid second half did much to hurt the squad. Also, Jeff Bezos for dropping nearly a BILLION US Dollars on the Amazon Prime Thursday Night package, only to get saddled with this game, which actually constitutes on of the better matchups this season thus far. Elon Musk is laughing at such a waste. So is MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, and if he can laugh at some schadenfreude for TV-type issues, you are not in a good place.

That is all for this week. Tune in next time when the Texans take their talents north to face the New Jersey Giants, with Saquon Barkley and Daniel Jones, two backfield guys that are good at running the football. Surely won’t be an issue for the Texans and their _efense, right?