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Somehow, we are now over the halfway mark of the NFL season. Where has the time gone? One minute, we are settling in for preseason football, then before you know it, we are watching teams jockeying for playoff position. Or, in the case of the Houston Texans, figuring out which of the top draft prospects they can get with their high draft picks. Yes, the Texans, uh, are not good. In a matchup for worst vs. first, the “first” (Philadelphia Eagles) showed that while they may not be all-time great, they are still the superior of the Texans. Thus continues the NFL tradition that no Houston-based NFL franchise has ever beaten the Eagles.
However, the Eagles/Texans tilt was relegated to undercard status this Thursday night. The attention of both cities did not linger at NRG, but at Citizens Park, where the Astros and Phillies dueled on the diamond in a pivotal World Series game five. (By the time of publication, we know that game five went the Astros’ way (3-2), and that Houston came home Saturday night to #LevelUp, winning 4-1 to take the series 4-2, and clinch the team’s second World Series in six years.).
So while you are enjoying the revelry of the Astros (if you are an Astros fan), and need something to bring you back down to earth, we present this week’s HOTD. As per standard, all swear words have been replaced with [KITTEN] for classic work decorum. Other potentially controversial words have also been modified (we’ll see if you can pick up on those).
On to the ‘Dog:
bigfatdrunk
I hope the Texans get motorboated tonight. I want the difference between a well-run organization and a 10-ring circus to be as stark and explicit as possible. Sell the kittening team, McNairs, you bunch of incompetent #FAILCHILDREN.
Patrick
If you’re gonna steal my lines then what am I even doing here?
bigfatdrunk
I have the utmost confidence you can pile-on to the #FAILCHILDREN with excitement and glee.
vballretired
Let’s make it a party
vballretired
Let’s give Amazon some credit. They are working overtime to hype this kitten of a game.
Patrick
Wow, there’s people here
FIRST TEXANS POSSESSION
Patrick
Go Stros.
These red helmets are trippy.
vballretired
Peña got caught stealing. I wish they would stop doing that
Patrick
Now that’s how you want to start a game.
vballretired
Hey wait a minute. Are they moving the ball?
Patrick
Amazing what happens when they give Pierce the ball.
So this is probably a stupid question but I want to ask it anyway: If you knew that a Texans loss tonight would mean an Astros win in game five, but not guarantee winning the WS, do you take that deal?
vballretired
He might get 40 Carrie’s
Carrie’s
[KITTEN] autocorrect
Kenneth L.
Alright right thread hahahah
vballretired
Burkhead!
Kenneth L.
Offense feels smooth
vballretired
We might be looking at a bunker mentality
bigfatdrunk
Wow, this is embarrassing if you are an Eagles fan.
Patrick
What the [KITTEN] is this team?
Joe Critz
WOOOO
WHATS GOING ON
vballretired
The rookie tight end!
TEXANS SCORE MILLS TO TEAGAN QUITORIANO, LIKE EVERYONE EXPECTED.
TEXANS LEAD 7-0
Kenneth L.
I CANT FEEL MY TOES
Jeremy
lol
vballretired
You have three days to come up with that drive but can’t muster anything after the bye?
Ooh prime vision
EAGLES FIRST POSSESSION
Patrick
Strap in, kids.
vballretired
Did the line move when Cooks was announced as out?
Kenneth L.
A little
vballretired
15? 16?
Patrick
Last I saw it was 14.5, but that was two days ago so I have no idea.
vballretired
Why are the Eagles passing? Didn’t they get the memo?
Patrick
Ironically the line is currently Eagles -7
vballretired
Voodoo witch doctor is the only explanation
Never mind
Patrick
No, the other explanation is we haven’t had to play defense yet.
vballretired
I mean why they aren’t exploiting our main weakness
Patrick
[KITTEN], game tied 1-1.
Kenneth L.
Nelson looks good
Joe Critz
Nelson has been a great pickup
SHOOT
vballretired
Must be the Jedi mind trick “You will pass the ball. You won’t gash us for eight yards a pop.”
Patrick
That said, they are matriculating the ball down the field ::kills self::
vballretired
Almost picked by Pitre
I know they’re gaining yards, but their refusal to run is baffling.
Patrick
[ALTUVE], this is an Eagles home game.
vballretired
Maybe this will be the mirror image of Sunday. 400 yards passing.
Patrick
83 missed tackles, [ALTUVE] I love that stat. It’s so perfectly awful and doesn’t need any explanation as to why it’s perfectly awful.
vballretired
The Ins and Outs will be fun
EAGLES TOUCHDOWN. GAME TIED 7-7.
vballretired
Nice competitive run defense on that play. I think I could have scored.
TEXANS POSSESSION
END OF FIRST, GAME TIED 7-7.
SECOND QUARTER
Patrick
I have a bad feeling about Verlander here.
bigfatdrunk
I guess the best thing about Texans games this year is that, with all of the rushing, the games go by pretty quickly. That’s nice. Less torture.
Patrick
Ah, the ol’ Laremy Tunsil false start. Say thank you, class.
bigfatdrunk
THANK YOU, CLASS!
Kenneth L.
I thought that was a collarbone
EAGLES POSSESSION
bigfatdrunk
Yes, Mills should use his legs more, especially while holding the football like a cafeteria lunch tray.
bigfatdrunk
Owens does what he does best!
Kenneth L.
Blitz too slow
Devonta too fast
HURTS LOSES THE BALL, TEXANS RECOVER TEXANS POSSESSION
Patrick
Holy crap, this game is not going according to plan.
Kenneth L.
We have been bringing pressure and it’s working. Throwing out the playbook
bigfatdrunk
It amazes me how inaccurate Mills is at times. I mean, he misses guys by yards, not feet.
Patrick
That was gross.
Oh thank [ALTUVE]. Now it’s a Texans game.
bigfatdrunk
Mills has the pocket awareness of a brick.
EAGLES POSSESSION
vballretired
Voodoo witchcraft
There it is. The vaunted run defense.
Patrick
Uh oh, they found our soft spot.
bigfatdrunk
OWENS!!!
I cannot tell y’all how much entertainment I get from watching Owens make tackles way down the field.
Addison got pancaked so badly that he may not recover.
vballretired
Anything worth doing is worth doing right
Patrick
Wait what?
Since when?
[KITTEN], I’ve been doing it all wrong.
vballretired
You gotta keep making those safety tackles on running plays
Kenneth L.
They are ramming it down our throats
Game is moving quick
bigfatdrunk
Nelson celebrating the first down for the Iggles. Well done, man!
Kenneth L.
Kirk Hinish got moved
We need a NT
Patrick
We’ve needed one since Wilfork retired.
vballretired
Oh kittens
EAGLES TOUCHDOWN. EAGLES LEAD 14-7.
Patrick
Sigh...
Kenneth L.
Right through the middle
Patrick
I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed, my battle red sons.
Kenneth L.
Christian Harris needs to do more
I will say. Our running game looks good
Patrick
It is downright stunning. Even Burkhead isn’t completely useless tonight.
Kenneth L.
LETS GO STROS
Patrick
Pena solo shot no-doubter. 2-1 Astros
Syndergaard out of the game.
Kenneth L.
My toes are numbbbbbbb again
Give me that bullpen
Patrick
Time to rock that [KITTEN]
Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwww
That was some Marshawn Lynch energy right there.
I don’t know how long we got him for with the way he runs but by [ALTUVE] I’m glad we got him.
Kenneth L.
Kenyon Green is the man right now
MILLS TO CHRIS MOORE FOR THE TOUCHDOWN, RULED AN INCOMPLETE PASS, BEING REVIEWED.
Patrick
No, seriously, what the hell is going on here?
Ruled incomplete. That makes more sense now.
bigfatdrunk
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
That looks like a catch to me.
The worst part is that the Mills homers will again say he is a sure-fire HOFer, and then Mills will look like kitten again next week.
Kitten, I really hate Mills.
RULING OVERTURNED. TOUCHDOWN IS GOOD. GAME TIED 14-14.
EAGLES POSSESSION
HALFTIME. GAME TIED 14-14. EAGLES GET POSSESSION AT SECOND HALF.
HALFTIME REACTIONS:
Kenneth L.
Wow go Texans. This offense looks effective on the ground. Our run defense is pathetic
Kenyon Green is the MVP
vballretired
We crack on these guys in bad times but they are playing a superior football team even. The defense still can stop the run but they’ve made enough plays to keep us in it. This might have been Mills best half of football all season.
bigfatdrunk
Before we get too excited about Davis Mills tonight, let’s see if he can actually (akshully) put up more than 20 points in a game.
vballretired
You’re good. A half of football is still just a half of football.
bigfatdrunk
OMK, I want the BREAD car WHOO!!!
THIRD QUARTER
Patrick
What bread car?
EAGLES POSSESSION
vballretired
Hughes with a sack
Patrick
And they’re gonna convert anyway. This run defense is special.
vballretired
Erased by a 12 yard run
Patrick
This team is confusing.
vballretired
Hughes with another one
Joe Critz
Jerry Hughes making some plays!
This team is so funny
bigfatdrunk
Are they just not blocking Hughes? That seems like a weird strategy.
TEXANS POSSESSION
Joe Critz
This is the win that knocks us away from CJ Stroud
Except I don’t think we’re gonna win this game
vballretired
That’s my Horned Frog fellow alum
Now this looks familiar
Patrick
[KITTEN]ing Bryce Harper.
EAGLES POSSESSION
Patrick
I will be supremely disappointed if some up-and-coming rapper in Houston doesn’t chop and screw Al Michaels saying “Houston, Texas” in a cowboy accent and make a million dollars for it.
bigfatdrunk
Yeesh, I could gain 10 yards through some of those holes.
Patrick
Wow, a challenge that went our way. I’m stunned.
bigfatdrunk
Give the broadcast team that one.
TEXANS POSSESSION
Patrick
Dameon Pierce runs like he’s covered in greased owl [KITTEN].
bigfatdrunk
Hi, Kirk, it’s a super easy decision to move on from Davis Keenum.
Patrick
LOLOLOLOLOL
DAVIS MILLS INTERCEPTED.
EAGLES POSSESSION
bigfatdrunk
I cannot WAIT to hear how that one wasn’t Mills’ fault.
Patrick
That was fast and merciful.
EAGLES TD. EAGLES LEAD 21-14. TEXANS POSSESSION
bigfatdrunk
Look, you can’t blame Owens. He just wanted another long-gained tackle.
Kenneth L.
Owens is so [KITTEN]ing bad
Like my guy
HE IS RUNNING BY YOU
RUN
vballretired
There is why I specifically said best HALF of football
Patrick
So, do you think the Texans have six points in them before the fourth quarter?
bigfatdrunk
I don’t think I have ever seen a DB overrun the screen like that. Hilarious!
Patrick
Because all you’d need is a touchdown and a Fairbairn [KITTEN]up.
vballretired
Pierce needs to do a Leon commercial
Burkhead!
Patrick
“And then, and then when you’ve hit them over and over with your good hand, you SLAP HIM
Kenneth L.
He’s bleeding
Patrick
Al Michaels Grow Lovie Smith’s Beard Challenge.
vballretired
He’s good here and you only need one more field goal.
TEXANS FIELD GOAL. EAGLES LEAD 21-17.
vballretired
Another one score game going into the fourth.
The fourth quarter: it’s OUR time.
What place did Mills finish in the Heisman voting?
Wouldn’t it be nice to have an athlete like that?
EAGLES POSSESSION
Patrick
We did, but he was a very bad man.
Who did very bad things.
vballretired
Is that bad as in good?
Patrick
No, bad as in extremely not good.
bigfatdrunk
Is that bad is in bad, then? Bad good? Good bad?
vballretired
You can’t watch what we’re watching and look at Mills and say, “nah, we’re good.”
Patrick
I don’t think they think of it that way. They’re probably thinking “nah, none of them, we’re not ready yet.” or something.
vballretired
Or something
Patrick
Probably
vballretired
Brady is the only elite QB without the ability to scramble even just a little.
bigfatdrunk
So easy. So very easy.
vballretired
Although I can see the idea of investing heavy in defense. This defense is totally kittens
Patrick
I appreciate these teams not getting a ton of penalties. Makes getting our “DON’T LOOK AT US!” game out of the way that much faster.
EAGLES TOUCHDOWN. EAGLES LEAD 29-17.
vballretired
That was well defended
bigfatdrunk
Owens is starting to miss the point.
vballretired
You were saying something about penalties?
bigfatdrunk
[KITTEN], UT.
Patrick
[KITTEN]ing jinx machine’s broken again.
bigfatdrunk
That’s a whole lot of empty seats right there.
Patrick
They’ve been there.
vballretired
Nah, just late Halloween
All hail penalty offense
bigfatdrunk
Wow, that’s a weak-sauce call.
vballretired
Holy kittens. A Mills run for a first down.
bigfatdrunk
Even that out was a poor throw. It was late, high, and the WR had no chance to do anything after the catch.
Patrick
Wow, that was a hell of a non-catch
bigfatdrunk
Damn. Another crappy throw by Mills almost saved by Jordan.
Little Caesars is the Davis Mills of pizza.
[Ed Note: So much for that coveted Little Caesers sponsorship deal]
vballretired
I haven’t had them in years
Patrick
You’re missing nothing.
Not one single thing.
bigfatdrunk
Unless he likes cardboard.
vballretired
Hey, I can eat the box
Patrick
And red-flavored paste
bigfatdrunk
Wait, is this game being played in Philly???
Patrick
You would think, wouldn’t you?
Joe Critz
Ughhhh
bigfatdrunk
You can always count on Mills to take a clutch sack.
Joe Critz
That’s EXACTLY what I was gonna say
Patrick
EAGLES POSSESSION
Joe Critz
Mills is excellent at the just barely off pass and the clutch, deflating sack
vballretired
Could have thrown it away
Joe Critz
Could’ve even just ran it himself and tried to make it 4th and short and given the team a chance
vballretired
He’s the quintessential backup. You watch him make a few plays and wonder why isn’t he starting? Then, he shows you.
Joe Critz
Given the team anything besides relying entirely on the defense which is playing well above what they’re normally doing
vballretired
And they’ve scored 29 points with a missed field goal. I’d like to see what a bad defense looks like.
Patrick
How is this game still on?
vballretired
Sort of
Hughes is playing a good game
bigfatdrunk
Kittenuva game.
Joe Critz
At least the uniforms look cool
Can’t wait to see CJ Stroud or Hendon Hooker in em!
Sorry haha
Patrick
I don’t know if Pep Hamilton would know what to do with Hendon Hooker.
Joe Critz
At least Davis Mills got to have a few touchdowns and pretty passes in primetime
vballretired
Nice throw there to John Turf
Patrick
How the hell did Dorsett hang on to that?!
vballretired
The accuracy is overwhelming
Patrick
Whelming. It’s whelming.
bigfatdrunk
Mills still missed him badly.
Joe Critz
(To Patrick) Tyrod Taylor 2.0
vballretired
You can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed. Can you be whelmed?
Joe Critz
He’s just so acceptable!
vballretired
The Corn Flakes of QBs
Joe Critz
Which is honestly the last thing I wanted out of Davis mills this year
I wanted either him to be actually good and show it and be a big surprise or just crash and burn instantly so we could be over it fast
I guess this is fast but he’s just barely good enough to keep you holding ur breath until u drown in speculation
vballretired
Go for the field goal
bigfatdrunk
Only three minutes left. No sense of urgency.
Joe Critz
He saw that clutch interception!
Kenneth L.
Yikes Davis
bigfatdrunk
Woof.
vballretired
Hey, 12 point deficit. A lot of gamblers are holding their breath
Kenneth L.
Yikes what a sack
vballretired
We need a new center badly
Patrick
That was beautiful.
Joe Critz
THERE IT IS
vballretired
Hahagagagagaga
bigfatdrunk
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kenneth L.
THERE IT IS
vballretired
Ask and you shall receive BFD
bigfatdrunk
Yup!
Patrick
A symphony of tragedy, comedy, satire and horror, the Houston Texans.
bigfatdrunk
Another “best game of the season” for Mills where he can’t score more than 20 points.
vballretired
Beat half. Best half.
Joe Critz
SKDJXMKS
vballretired
I picked them to cover though so I am Nostradamus
bigfatdrunk
Nostradongus?
Joe Critz
sometimes Davis mills pain just makes me act up….
Patrick
I totally get it.
Joe Critz
It’s never just an interception with Davis mills either it’s always gotta be on 3rd down and there’s still maybe a chance or points are achievable and he makes the perfectly wrong play
Will Levis could be good but this season in college has not been good for him so far
I def like CJ Stroud and Hendon Hooker more now
vballretired
I want someone athletic
Kenneth L.
We are going to lose this game boys. And by then money line
Joe Critz
Unless the Texans want a d-lineman or o-lineman with their top 5 pick next year I don’t think there’s any reason to wait till the second pick to grab Will Levis or Anthony Richardson or some other qb if Stroud or Hooker are available
bigfatdrunk
That was poor timing.
vballretired
Alright. Looks like we cover.
EAGLES DEFEAT TEXANS 29-17.
vballretired
All hail covering the spread
bigfatdrunk
Look at all those Eagles unis in the stands. WOW.
Kenneth L.
I don’t like this
vballretired
Blew chances to score in the 7th and 8th
Patrick
I hate this so much.
Patrick
Never doubted them.
GAME BALLS: Well, after a one game absence, Dameon Pierce is back to his weekly spot of being the best player on the Texans roster. 27 carries for 139 yards. That’ll do. Another HOTD game ball for the trophy shelf. Also feeling a little generous, so we’ll throw one over to Phillip Dorsett, as he stepped up while the #1 receiver was out with, well, whatever he put on his Hurt Feelings Report. He lead the team with 69 receiving yards, and had a sweet 34 yard reception in the 1st quarter. Also, we’ll give a shout out to the red helmets. Looked good (even if the guys wearing them, uh, did not).
Also, to the Houston Astros, ‘cause, championship...and [ALTUVE] knows, the Houston sports fan is going to need some ray of optimism in what promises to be a major winter of sports discontent.
SHOULD BE FORCED TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE PHILLY PHANATIC’S MASSIVE POST-WORLD SERIES BENDER WHILE BEING SERENADED BY HORDES OF DRUNKEN PHILLY FANS WHO WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CLIMB UP LAMPPOSTS OR PUNCH OUT POLICE HORSES (IN A SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE MANNER): The (alleged) #1 receiver Brandin Cooks, for filing a Hurt Feeling Report, even after signing such a deal in the off-season that made an in-season trade all but impossible. The Texans _efense gave up far fewer yards rushing this week, but they still surrendered 143 of them...bad by league averages, but good by Texans’ standards. Also, the _efense allowed Houston native Jalen Hurts to treat them like he did so many lower tier SEC and Big 12 schools in college. Davis Mills has his moments, but two brutal interceptions and a overall horrid second half did much to hurt the squad. Also, Jeff Bezos for dropping nearly a BILLION US Dollars on the Amazon Prime Thursday Night package, only to get saddled with this game, which actually constitutes on of the better matchups this season thus far. Elon Musk is laughing at such a waste. So is MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, and if he can laugh at some schadenfreude for TV-type issues, you are not in a good place.
That is all for this week. Tune in next time when the Texans take their talents north to face the New Jersey Giants, with Saquon Barkley and Daniel Jones, two backfield guys that are good at running the football. Surely won’t be an issue for the Texans and their _efense, right?
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