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HAIR OF THE DOG WEEK 14: Houston Texans at The Dallas Cowboys of Deep Southern Oklahoma

A bitter cross-state...er, in-state (sorta) rivalry is renewed

Houston Texans v Dallas Cowboys Photo by Sam Hodde/Getty Images

When looking back on this game deep into the future, most will just see that the Dallas Cowboys beat the Houston Texans 27-23, moving to 10-3 and playing a close game against a team that had only one win coming in to the matchup. Yet, what history won’t so easily show is that Dallas had to rely on a 98 yard drive after a massive goal-line stand to get the go-ahead touchdown. To further add to the story, the Texans got an incredible gift of a turnover, with a 1st and goal at the Dallas five-yard line; five yards to score a TD and go up 10 points with less than 4 minutes left in the game. However, in that sequence of plays, where the Texans only gained a net of three yards, the Houston squad showed why they are in the driver’s seat for the #1 pick in the 2023 draft. Bring Rex Burkhead back on to the field, when you had more capable back...major miscommunication on the critical third down, no disguise for the fourth down...yep, the Cowboys escaped, but the Texans let them off the hook as well.

Perhaps it is a good thing overall that there was genuine anger after this loss. This team can still inspire more than apathy in the fanbase. Props for coming out with a devil may care attitude with the alternating QBs to keep Dallas off-balance. The special teams delivering their usual better than bad performance and the defense doing just enough to keep the game winnable for the team. However, you are what your record says you are. Yes, the Texans beat the spread of 17 points, but they are now a symmetric 1-11-1, they have never won a regular season game in Dallas, and they lose bragging rights to the one fanbase you never want that to happen to, as they will repeat it over, and over, and over, and over, and over again...

As always, your Battle Red Masthead had their real-time takes on the game. All questionable language has been modified for clarity and content, with liberal use of the word [KITTEN]. So, if you wish to relive perhaps the most painful of the 2022 losses to date, join us on this trip down near-term memory lane.

With that, on with the ‘Dog:

vballretired

Just noticed Justin McRae and Troy Hairston are out in addition to Cooks and Collins. Ladies and gentlemen, brace for the pain.

Patrick

Jayron Kearse is out for Arlington. Maybe we get a field goal this week because of it?

l4blitzer

Optimism…the Texans best chance

vballretired

Maybe it was an empathetic injury. Or sympathetic. Those words are interchangeable like morals and ethics

l4blitzer

Holidays are pretty stressful. Sometimes you just need a mental health day…as good as any for the OK Cowboys

vballretired

Maybe Cal can work a name redacted style trade and trade Caserio and a third to the Titans and let them pay the balance of his contract

vballretired

Watching them promo Pittsburgh and Baltimore makes me so sad. They’ve both cultivated an image of being hard nosed football teams in victory or defeat. What have we cultivated?

Patrick

I expect I’m going to be swarmed by Cowboys fans here. I think if any of them give me [KITTEN] I’ll ask them how the Lakers or the Yankees are doing.

vballretired

Ask them how many playoff wins they have this century

Patrick

We have cultivated football longtermism.

vballretired

Must be an Easterbyism

Are we playing on CBS or Fox

Patrick

Fox.

l4blitzer

Great, we’ve become the NFL version of Job, but without the whole promise of a better future thingy….

vballretired

I thought it went to the road team’s network

It’s a better future in a yet to be determined decade

vballretired

Cal has kids and maybe grandkids right? Maybe one of them happens to be smart. Maybe there is a hidden smart niece or nephew somewhere we haven’t met yet.

Patrick

The Cow[KITTEN] fan sitting next to me already has a bloody mary. Doesn’t he know you’re not supposed to start drinking until AFTER your team starts losing.

l4blitzer

It’s is the Cowboys…there are no limits where their beverage consumption is concerned.

vballretired

He will be waiting a few more weeks to drink

l4blitzer

Or until they get squashed by Philly and then Tampa Bay in the playoffs.

vballretired

Yeah but they have Jacktown next week. That’s two whole weeks of sobriety.

Patrick

And we’re off.

vballretired

Hey that’s TCU alum Turpin on the return

vballretired

We are tied folks. There’s hope.

Cowboys Possession

vballretired

Again opposing OCs don’t run the ball. It’s almost like “yeah, we know, we just want to work on some stuff first.”

l4blitzer

Well, they will need Dak to actually throw, so they don’t suffer the same end-of-game as they did against San Fran in last year’s playoffs.

Wonder what will happen to Zeke after this season? Can’t imagine Jerruh will want to keep paying him with Pollard emerging as RB1

vballretired

Pollard is a FA right?

Patrick

I don’t know how they didn’t complete that there.

vballretired

The smart move is finding the next Pollard. Some fool will pay Pollard a ton. In an unrelated note, the midday show on 610 suggested we sign him.

l4blitzer

Yes, but I am sure he could be brought back on a better deal than Zeke

Patrick

Sure, let’s hobble the development of Dameon Pierce for a free agent we don’t need for money we can spend elsewhere.

Again, it must be so great to be a sports talking person.

vballretired

This is just a cat and mouse game at this point

Patrick

You can sound so stupid and never lose your job for it.

vballretired

Landry Locker is his name

l4blitzer

Stephen A. Smith: The smartest idiot out there. No knowing what you are taking about, and getting nearly $10M to do that

Patrick

Cat and mouse generally implies that the mouse is able to avoid the cat at some point.

l4blitzer

Our goodest run _efense is playing to form

vballretired

That was highly competitive defense right there

Patrick

The second that ball was snapped I knew it was a TD.

vballretired

Touchdown Pollard by the way

Those guys on the outside were just running aimlessly to the sideline

11 YARD RUN BY POLLARD: Dem Boys 7- Dem Oxen 0; 11:20, 1st

vballretired

I think the stadium might technically be in Grand Prairie. It’s the Pasadena of the Metroplex.

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Sweet, lose yardage on first down.

l4blitzer

Classic CHUM…going back to basics I see

Patrick

Oh sure, I thought Kearse wasn’t playing today.

vballretired

Oh sweet, the coach at Clear Creek High School ran this offense years ago. It was terrible then and that was 30 years ago.

l4blitzer

A better CHUM…getting there…

vballretired

If we go three and out, we’re good. — David Culley

l4blitzer

At least it wasn’t an INT…progress

Patrick

THE ONE GOOD THING THAT HAPPENS TO US PER GAME!

vballretired

Sweet a special teams splash play. I smell 7-3.

l4blitzer

Frank Ross saves the team again

HOU RECOVERS THE MUFFED PUNT

vballretired

It’s DRISCOLL TiME

Patrick

Oh my [DURGA] they brought back the Driskel gadget play.

l4blitzer

Can’t hold nothin’ back

Patrick

Driskel again. Did something happen to Mills and I didn’t hear about it?

l4blitzer

Henceforth to be named the “Driskel Cat”

vballretired

Can we go with the multiple spellings of his name. It’s unintentionally hilarious

l4blitzer

Per Vandermeer

Patrick

Sure, why not.

vballretired

IE I know I’m spelling it wrong and just don’t care

l4blitzer

Hey, it loosened up the running game

vballretired

Or they stopped caring

Patrick

I’m so confused.

I think Pep is going full Stanford here.

vballretired

They’ve read the papers too. They know they are toast.

l4blitzer

An 18-inch penalty…hardly a backbreaker there

vballretired

It’s a Pierce touchdown

It’s because I benched him on my fantasy team

PIERCE WITH THE 1-YARD RUN: H-Town 7 - D/Ft W/A - Town 7; 5:33, 1st

vballretired

I’m smelling back door cover

DAL POSSESSION

vballretired

Oh Durga. That’s two straight run stuffs

Patrick

Three different groups of Cow[KITTEN] fans have come in and each one within five minutes of sitting, have asked for the game to be put on the big screen.

vballretired

That’s a three and out

We will see Davis Mills and more Stone Age offense now

l4blitzer

Owens made a tackle on a play less than 15 yards downfield…potentially a career day.

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

It’s early

Patrick

And now Mills is back in.

Ooooooookay, y’all.

l4blitzer

Bring on the Gallopin’ Giraffe offense…

vballretired

Off tackle. Off tackle. Screen PASS. Punt.

Hey sing it to the tune of “Daylight come and we want to go home.”

Patrick

That was beautiful.

vballretired

What in Durga is going on right now?

l4blitzer

Are the Texans…are they matriculating that ball down the field???

Oh…under review…please stand by…please stand by…please stand by

vballretired

Oh they are challenging

l4blitzer

Please stand by…please stand by…please stand by…

vballretired

Stiffler’s mom

Patrick

::to the tune of Foreigner’s I Want To Know What Love Is:: I want to know what a catch is...I want you to show meeeeeeeeee

l4blitzer

Ware really wanted them to snap it quickly…so, of course, the Texans do not.

vballretired

Love that actress

l4blitzer

Please stand…oh, looks like the Cowboys didn’t get that check in to the refs retirement fund in time…play was upheld

vballretired

More Driskel

Patrick

I wonder if they’re using Mills for longer drives and Driskel/coll for when they get close to the red zone?

l4blitzer

At this point, I want to see Jon Weeks under center. What do you have to lose?

vballretired

My Durga, they are running the ball. They are throwing it downfield. Then they resort to this?

It’s a lead!

l4blitzer

Great, Green is injured.

Patrick

STOP THE GAME! STOP THE GAME!

Someone knock out the power or something!

FAIRBARIN WITH THE 43 YARD FG; HOU 10 - DAL 7; 0:18, 1st

l4blitzer

BTW, Job opening at Navy

vballretired

We were leading after a quarter

DAL POSSESSION

END OF 1ST QUARTER: TEXANS HOLDING AN ACTUAL 1ST QUARTER LEAD, 10-7

Patrick

Is this the first time the Texans have led since Jacksonville?

vballretired

Eagles

Patrick

LOL, one group of Cowboys fans just left BECAUSE they can’t get the game on the big TV. Arrogant, entitled little [KITTEN]s to the very core.

I’ll bet they left a solid 11% tip too.

vballretired

How many Cowboys fans are there in the Pacific Northwest?

l4blitzer

7-0 Eagles (1st Quarter of that game)…last lead

Patrick

They’re [KITTEN]ing everywhere. Not as much as Seahawks fans obviously but way more than I’m okay with.

l4blitzer

You have a LOT of them in the DMV area

vballretired

Nice pass defense

Was that a catch?

Patrick

DMV = DC, Maryland, Virginia?

l4blitzer

Yep

Patrick

It was a penalty.

vballretired

Sure

Ok, why have they abandoned the running game? It was cute for a series but….

Oops there it is

Patrick

Or I saw a flag thrown. I should’ve known it would’ve been against us.

l4blitzer

Gotta get Dak ready so he can derp against Tampa Bay

Awww…a pity penalty.

vballretired

I loved the guy’s response to my Dak question….”but of course he’s a franchise quarterback…”

Hahahagaga

PRESCOTT TO POLLARD FOR 10 YARD TD. AMERICA’s TEAM 14 - AMERICA’s PUNCHLINE 10; 12:28, 2nd

Patrick

Cowboys fans: YEEEEEEES COWBOYS!!!! Me: Yes, you must be so proud beating the literal worst team in the league. Much impressive. Very stunned.

vballretired

Think of the hilarity of it all. These units alternate weeks with terrible play.

As opposed to the figurative worst team in the league

Patrick

Give them time, they could get there too.

vballretired

Do Franchise QBs lose routinely in January?

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Jaguars and Titans in a grudge match

Go Bengals!

It’s a first down!

The time wasn’t right for the key INT

l4blitzer

(Cue Hallelujah Chorus for the 1st down)

vballretired

So Amari Rodgers gets a carry before Eno Benjamin

Look at Driscoll/Driskel go

Patrick

They let our third string quarterback and fifth string tight end run for a first down.

l4blitzer

We may yet be running my Texans dream offense of the single wing

vballretired

Veer

l4blitzer

What could be more Texan than the Wishbone?

Patrick

Is Bill Yeoman’s grandson doing anything?

vballretired

Sweet, going for it

l4blitzer

Come on….give us the quick kick!!!

vballretired

Looks short

Patrick

He’s short.

vballretired

And here it comes

Texans short on four consecutive Pierce runs

l4blitzer

Vandermeer not thrilled with the spot for some reason.

vballretired

I called for that this week so I can’t crush them now

DAL HOLDS ON 4th DOWN AT THEIR 40. DAL POSSESSION

vballretired

You at least went down swinging with your best player

Thomas Booker sighting

Patrick

Oh he IS alive!

vballretired

Rumor

l4blitzer

“North Dallas Forty” References from the commentators: 1

Patrick

Brett Kollmann was really high on him, I wish he’d get more time.

vballretired

Dak is so much a franchise QB

Patrick

I’ve never seen that movie.

l4blitzer

Eh, it was a lame attempt at a joke, since Dallas was at the 40…

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick

BTB is lamenting how bad the Cowturds are looking and I am resisting so hard reciting the Bane speech from Dark Knight Rises to them.

“You merely adapted the suck, we were born in it.”

vballretired

Wow the Lions! When did they hire Dan Campbell again?

Three and out. Awesome.

l4blitzer

Guess if you eat enough kneecaps, it can improve athletic performance…who knew?

Patrick

I think the same year we hired Culley?

vballretired

Yeah. That’s right and they could move to 6-7.

l4blitzer

Annnnddddd that’s why Mills has been benched the past couple of weeks.

DAL POSSESSION

Patrick

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

vballretired

Oh my goodness. It’s a pick

Clutch flag. Good to see Green healthy

T. SMITH WITH THE INT, SMITH ADVANCES THE BALL TO THE DAL 27; HOU BALL

vballretired

Here comes the all keep it close offense

Holy kittens!!!!!!

l4blitzer

Ware no fan of the formation before the penalty

Patrick

WHERE HAS THIS [KITTEN] BEEN?!

vballretire

On the practice squad

TEXANS SWISS ARMY KNIFE JEFF DRISKEL TO AMARI RODGERS FOR 28 YARD TD: TEXANS 17 - COWBOY 14; 2:23, 2ND

vballretired

It’s the sudden realization that you can actually use guys you sign

Baker showed them the way.

Prescott just isn’t that good

DAL POSSESSION

TWO MINUTE WARNING

vballretired

Hey those fans paid NFL prices for this game. They deserve four quarters of entertainment.

Patrick

They’re Cowboys fans. No, they don’t.

vballretired

Entertainment yes. Happiness no.

Patrick

Fair point.

l4blitzer

Now the Cowboys are realizing “oh, we are trailing the worst team in the league…maybe we should play better or something.”

vballretired

Nice hit by Pitre

Dak is the biggest fraud in the league. He puts up big numbers in garbage time and everyone thinks he’s a top ten QB.

I could have completed that one

Pitre playing well

l4blitzer

Are we gonna hold Dem Boyz to a FG here?

We did

vballretired

It’s good. It’s tied

MAHER WITH THE 33 YD FG; TIED AT 17; 0:40, 2nd

Patrick

LOL, Butt Fumble is the color commentator for the game.

vballretired

The Colts game was close going into the fourth

How about a pick six before the half? I demand to be entertained.

l4blitzer

I guess we could turn it over 3 out of 4 possessions, but Lovie Smith is held in better regard than Jeff Saturday, so I don’t think Dallas would run it up like they last week.

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Anyone of us might be more qualified than Jeff Saturday

Patrick

Moore is turning into Mills’ favorite receiver.

l4blitzer

Go figure, a receiver that is ok being here and gets the ball…who would have thought?

vballretired

How are we doing this without Burkhead?

l4blitzer

It’s a miracle

Patrick

Okay we’re past the 50, time to put in Driskel/coll

l4blitzer

I must admit I am a fan of Ogunbowale as a 3rd down back.

vballretired

Multiple flags and a throw to Joe Grass

Patrick

Offsides and what else?

vballretired

Interference

Patrick

Holding, looks like.

Never mind, you called it VB.

vballretired

Should have been defensive holding

It occurred before the throw

l4blitzer

Dallas with the assist on the 2 min drive.

vballretired

How are we doing this without Cooks?

l4blitzer

Addition by subtraction it looks like.

Patrick

Luck?

l4blitzer

Not a terrible sequence to get into position for the FG.

Patrick

WE HAVE A LEAD! WE HAVE A LEAD!

vballretired

We have a half time lead! Close the polls!

FAIRBAIRN WITH THE 50 YARD FG TO END THE HALF. TEXANS 20 - DALLAS 17.

(YES, YOU ARE AS SURPRISED TO READ THIS AS I AM TO TYPE THIS)

HALFTIME REACTIONS

Patrick

I...I don’t get it.

vballretired

I guess better late than never. We are actually seeing imaginative things on offense leaving everyone to wonder where all of this was. We did get 14 points off of two key Cowboys mistakes. They are still the better team. Yet, we actually showed up to play. Players always want good tape to show the other 31 teams. It looks like these coaches do too.

l4blitzer

Well, Dallas was close with Indy until the 4th quarter last week. Perhaps that happens again. Houston is getting away with a lot of trickeration with the Driskel/Mills QB swap action. Yet, this is a major indictment of the Cowboys. If you fancy yourself a contender that wants to get to the Super Bowl, playing like this against a team like Houston in your house is absolutely NOT how you do it. If McCarthy isn’t reading the players the Riot Act in all known languages at halftime, he probably does need to be fired forthwith and Sean Peyton needs to be brought in just as quick.

vballretired

Watson with only three points at the half

l4blitzer

Aww…poor guy…not really

Patrick

Yeah, I’m [KITTEN]in’ heartbroken.

vballretired

We were tied with the Eagles at halftime. Just sayin

Patrick

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...

l4blitzer

Yeah, but the Eagles took care of business in the second half on the road. I am not sold on Dallas doing that at home. They are capable, but it shouldn’t be this way…especially from the Metroplex perspective.

vballretired

This is the main reason you can’t convince me that a large part of this season hasn’t been because of kitteny coaching

l4blitzer

I won’t argue the point. Houston probably should have a few more wins. The last few games, this team has been way too lifeless.

vballretired

There have been too many games where the play and playcalling has been uninspired. To see this shows they are capable if even for just a half.

I won’t argue the point on Dallas either. They are the ultimate front runners. Give them some adversity and watch them crumble

Patrick

You suppose that Cal issued an order that they try today? I mean it seems improbable because that would imply Cal McNair actually gives a damn, but I have no other ideas why they’re looking different this week.

l4blitzer

Hmm…Watson is actually more accurate passing today. Still, they ain’t paying him $220-$230M guaranteed money to just be accurate.

vballretired

I think the heat is getting to everyone on Kirby

l4blitzer

Jags up on the Titans at the half. Guess the whole “Fire the GM to get a win” isn’t quite working as planned.

vballretired

When the heat drifts up to the GM office it’s pretty serious

I think this game ultimately goes the same way as the Eagles game but still, there’s no good reason they can’t show up and play like this.

It’s also why I want to see Denver and Chicago get to four wins

START OF THE 3RD QUARTER

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick

Starting with Driskel/coll this time.

Interesting.

vballretired

The D guy starting the third

l4blitzer

Positive yardage on the 1st play…ok then.

vballretired

It’s our three and out offense

Holy kittens a first down

l4blitzer

Amari Rodgers…having himself a game.

vballretired

Hahahaha hagaghagaga

Patrick

Oooooooooooookay, now this feels familiar.

vballretired

Now we are cooking with liver and vinegar

HOUSTON FUMBLE, DAL RECOVERS AND ADVANCES TO THE HOU 28 YARD LINE; DAL POSSESSION

vballretired

Nice tackling

Notice they’ve been running it every time. I think McCarthy has decided it’s time to just win this thing.

l4blitzer

Gee, playing a team with the worst run defense by far in the NFL…guess it would make sense to actually try to do that then.

vballretired

More positive yardage

Patrick

We should try doing that sometime.

vballretired

Nah, it’s overrated

l4blitzer

Lacks entertainment value

Patrick

It...it looks fun though.

I think we’d enjoy it if the Texans could do that.

vballretired

Go for it you cowards

l4blitzer

What is this concept you speak of…Enjoyment and the Texans?

Patrick

I know, it’s absurd but it has happened before.

vballretired

It’s a goal line stand on the dumbest play call I’ve ever seen

HOUSTON WITH A GOAL LINE STAND AGAINST THE RUN OF DALLAS. HOU BALL

vballretired

Nah, I can’t say that. I’ve seen dumber.

l4blitzer

Ok, the sheer joy from Vandermeer is worth it in this instance

vballretired

It’s safety time.

l4blitzer

You doubting Driskel and the 98 yard run to glory?

vballretired

Come on. It’d be entertaining

What no QB sneak with Driscoll

l4blitzer

Boo….a boring 4 yard Pierce run….Where’s the fun in that?

Patrick

Is...is Driskel not complete [KITTEN] or is this just fool’s gold?

l4blitzer

Yes

vballretired

A Driskel run for first down. It’s almost like having an athlete at QB is an advantage

Pierce is a bad bad man.

l4blitzer

Good, good….keep this ball on the ground for the rest of the game…both teams.

vballretired

Benjamin in and no run

l4blitzer

Why the throw? No throw the ball. Bad things when throwing ball in second half. Run the ball. Get the game over with…

vballretired

Almost a pick six

Patrick

Wow, that was impressive.

And there is Eno Benjamin, y’all.

vballretired

Ok, not a first good carry for Benjamin

l4blitzer

Are we going to do the Tom Landry dream of alternating QBs on every play? I can appreciate the entertainment value here.

vballretired

Look at the Lions!

l4blitzer

How can you watch something that is not the glory that is Jeff Driskel?

Patrick

Glory to all field goal offense.

l4blitzer

Please, please, please let there be a play where both Mills and Driskel are in the backfield. That would be my new dream play for the season

vballretired

All hail all field goal offense

vballretired

With a direct snap to Pierce

Patrick

Can they put two QBs on the field at one time?

FAIRBAIRN WITH THE 54 YARD FG: HOU CASHES IN ON THE GOAL-LINE STAND TO INCREASE THE LEAD; HOU 23- DAL/FT WORTH/ARLINGTON 17; 3:03, 3RD

l4blitzer

Sure. Now, I don’t think it would work for both to be under center at the same time, but maybe a modified shotgun T formation with Mills and Driskel lined up right next to each other.

vballretired

Stagger Lee baby!

I smell a touchdown drive here

DAL POSSESSION

l4blitzer

Just saw the chryon on my phone that Baltimore just lost another QB

vballretired

Why do you slide there? That’s so stupid

There’s that pathetic defense

l4blitzer

I guess DAL had no choice but to go for it on 4th. Punting there would have been bad for the home guys

vballretired

Thomas Booker sighting

It’s the fourth quarter. It’s OUR time!

END OF 3RD QUARTER: HOUSTON 23 - THE METROPLEX 17

(WAIT, IS THAT RIGHT???? ::CHECKS NOTES:: YES, THE NEW TEXANS LEAD THE HOME OF THE OLD TEXANS)

vballretired

23-20 Texans over South Oklahoma

START OF THE 4TH QUARTER

vballretired

If you’re tanking you need to start now

MAHER 53 YARD FG: HOU 23 - DAL 20. 14:50, 4th

vballretired

That’s a 21 point lead for the gamblers among us

l4blitzer

Must say, both kickers are bringing their A games…3 50+ Yd FGs in this game so far.

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Holy cow that’s a naked bootleg with Mills

l4blitzer

The Galloping Giraffe in the Serengeti play…love it.

Patrick

Oh [DURGA] Pierce is hurt.

vballretired

Pierce down

Oh Kittens!

l4blitzer

Grrrrreeeeaaatttt….really didn’t want that to happen.

vballretired

It’s Eno Benjamin time

l4blitzer

Jags murdering the Titans right now. 33-14 in the 3rd

Patrick

Welp, we’re [KITTEN]ed.

vballretired

Three and Out! Great timing.

l4blitzer

Well, a 60 yard punt does help in this instance

DAL POSSESSION

vballretired

I wished Pro Football reference would track those

Three and outs and not 60 yard punts (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

l4blitzer

Owens with another tackle inside 15 yards from the line of scrimmage. Career game?

vballretired

What in the kittens is going on right now?

Block in the back

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick

Well, we wanted to see Eno Benjamin, time to ride the lightning.

l4blitzer

Does this mean that Jeff Driskel is about to become our best running option the rest of the way?

vballretired

Puke emoji

l4blitzer

Nice start by Eno there.

Patrick

Pierce is back in.

At least I’m pretty sure it was Pierce.

vballretired

First down Pierce

l4blitzer

He is

Patrick

Must’ve taped his ankle up.

vballretired

It’s another first down

l4blitzer

Panic meter for Dallas approaching the red

Patrick

Davis, why do you think anybody would believe you were running with the ball?

vballretired

Pierce back out

l4blitzer

Chris Moore: Slinky Smooth….interesting language there by Vandermeer

Patrick

And there’s Burkhead, the band is all back together!

vballretired

[KITTEN] I thought Burkhead was still in the protocol

And there it is.

l4blitzer

Doah!!!

vballretired

They read screen. How could they have guessed

Johnston is a pro bowler

l4blitzer

Well, rather they would have gone for it, but I guess pinning the ‘Boys at the 1 is the next best thing. Frank Ross earning his “Best Coordinator on the Texans” award

DAL POSSESSION

vballretired

I still see it ending in defeat but I can live with this kind of loss

That’s how you QB sneak without fumbling

l4blitzer

Guess Watson actually led the Browns on a TD drive?

Patrick

Yeah he got one. The [KITTEN]er.

vballretired

That’s the run defense

Patrick

They’re still losing though so Durga bless them.

l4blitzer

WHOOOOO!!! Dallas dodged a major bullet there.

vballretired

Holy Durga!!!!!!!!!

Patrick

NO THEY MOTHER[KITTEN]ING DIDN’T!!!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

They better get a touchdown here [DURGA][KITTEN].

vballretired

Why Burkhead?

“If the right one doesn’t get you, the left one will…” SMITH WITH HIS 2ND INT; HOU POSSESSION

l4blitzer

Vandermeer will be hoarse by the end of the game.

vballretired

Almost a touchdown

Patrick

This is what I get for hoping for things.

vballretired

Third and one and you hand it to Burkhead. Your 2022 Texans posterized

l4blitzer

Why Burkhead? Oh, right…this iteration of the Texans

Patrick

WHY?!

What the literal [KITTEN] are y’all thinking right now?

l4blitzer

I would almost go with the FG here.

Patrick

This feels like a mistake.

l4blitzer

Given how bad the play call was leading up to it.

vballretired

Maybe just have a picture of that play with “DERP!” Written beneath

Patrick

We lost.

DAL GETS THEIR OWN VERSION OF A GOAL-LINE STAND; DALLAS BALL AT THE 2

Patrick

I want to know who decided to put Burkhead in at the most important part of the game so I can go kick the [KITTEN] out of them when I’m in Houston next week.

vballretired

It’s our bread and butter play (Necessary Roughness reference)

l4blitzer

Ogumbowale is not a rookie. He is much more mobile than the corpse of Burkhead.

vballretired

Caserio getting nervous about the number one pick

l4blitzer

Why? We hold the “tiebreaker” over the Bears and the Raiders. LA won Thursday night, so Detroit is further back.

vballretired

OT or out and out failure?

Kenneth L.

This is unbelievable

Patrick

And yet so very believable too.

TWO MINUTE WARNING

vballretired

No just answering Patrick’s question

l4blitzer

Ah….got it.

vballretired

Isn’t Caserio still on the headset

It’s in the script

Nice catch

Patrick

Yep. We [KITTEN]ed.

l4blitzer

Go figure. We get a goal-line stand to get a FG. Cowboys get one and get the likely TD

Kenneth L.

This [KITTEN] is on purpose

vballretired

Okay, honest question. There was talk of removing Pep’s playcalling but this has been his best game. Still that series was criminal. Is that a worse crime than the last month or just three bad plays?

Patrick

No, the fact that they had this and haven’t used it up to this point should be grounds for dismissal.

vballretired

Well yeah but that’s a Black Monday thing

I’m just talking next week

I think it’s a catch

If you have possession beyond the goal line you don’t have to land

Patrick

Just give the whiny brats their touchdown and be done with it already.

l4blitzer

Play under review…please stand by…please stand by….please stand by…

vballretired

And there it is.

l4blitzer

Dallas with another chance to excel

Patrick

And there’s the bed-[KITTEN]ting moment.

Kenneth L.

Hahahaha

Patrick

Wait, no, the real bed-[KITTEN]ting moment was going for it on fourth and goal and missing.

vballretired

Nah that the wife discovering the [KITTEN] in the bed moment

DALLAS WITH THE FACESAVING ELLIOT 2 YARD TD: DAL 27 - HOU 23; 0:41, 4TH

Patrick

Oh look, we still have 41 seconds to get another field goal!

vballretired

Was it the Driskel/Burkhead combination period or the fact that they clearly ran different plays?

Nice one yard gain

Patrick

Just pretend it’s garbage time, Mills.

vballretired

Gee, wouldn’t a field goal had been helpful?

l4blitzer

Well, there is a chance now…slim, but a chance

vballretired

Thank Durga! A penalty

Patrick

Just kill me.

vballretired

Tunsil with his weekly false start under the wire

l4blitzer

And we wonder why we have 11 non-winning performances?

vballretired

Make that two

Kenneth L.

This is on purpose

Patrick

And that’ll do it.

vballretired

And there it is

Kenneth L.

Murder

MILLS HAIL MARY INTERCEPTED BY THE COWBOYS. DAL POSSESSION

vballretired

Can’t blame Mills. He wasn’t even on the field for that key series

Kenneth L.

Every one is happy

FINAL: DALLAS SURVIVES 27 - 23. HOUSTON WITH THE SYMMETRIC 1-11-1 RECORD.

vballretired

Predictions on the opening line next week? I’ll go 20.

The good news is the Browns lost.

Go Broncos and Bears. I want us to be dormie by week 16.

GAME BALLS: Yes, we can issue couple in this one. Tremon Smith, with two huge INTs, is a clear game ball winner. Amari Rodgers, playing in his first game with Houston and delivering four receptions for 57 yards and a TD, gets one. Give one to Chris Moore, who delivered a WR1 worthy performance of 10 receptions for 124 yards. Special teams had some quality moments, with Cam Johnston punting as well as anyone in the league on this day. Fairbairn with two massive 50+ FGs on the day.

FORCED TO CLEAN UP THE FT. WORTH STOCKYARDS WITH TOOTHBRUSHES FROM JERRY JONES’ YACHT AFTER A MASSIVE PARTY: For three quarters, you could almost give it up to Pep Hamilton for leveraging the QB swap-out moves as inventive and effective. Then the play-sequence on that critical 4th quarter drive where the Texans started at the Dallas five-yard line. Five yards to execute the kill-shot and win the game. Yes, Pierce was injured, but to rely on Driskel and Rex Burkhead as your primary running threats...well, is anyone shocked that it didn’t work out? Why is Burkhead out there, when you have Benjamin and Ogunbowale, who are younger and more effective runners at this point in their careers? Sorry, Hamilton and Burkhead get bathroom clean-up duty for this one. The comedy of errors, especially with Mills and Tunsil on the final last drive, also deserve mention here.

What could have been? Alas, the Texans are 1-11-1, and the clear favorites to lock up the #1 pick in the draft. Houston is apparently unable to win on the road or at home. However, since the NFL will not grant the team a neutral site game, they will return home to host the Kansas City Chiefs. Nothing to get unduly concerned about here. Nope, nothing at all.