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TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: A Texans’ Near-Miss...and A Way Ahead?

The Texans were so close...but once again, a win is so far away.

Houston Texans v Dallas Cowboys Photo by Sam Hodde/Getty Images

HOUSTON – Another week, another non-winning performance. The Houston Texans put up more of a fight than many prognosticators figured against the Dallas Cowboys of the Ft. Worth/Arlington/Plano/Granbury region of Deep Southern Oklahoma/Texas. “Great win for our team. Great win for the state of Oklahoma. Someone had to avenge our state’s flagship collegiate program for the assault they suffered in the annual game we play at the Fair.” Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt noted. “No ox-mascot team beats Oklahoma twice in one year!!!”

“Whatever makes you happy, man” retorted Texas governor Greg Abbott

“Eh, would rather chop that Metroplex part of Texas over to that surveyor’s error of a state, along with that abomination that is I-35, but then we lose some key representation/funding at the state and federal level. I keep offering Austin in trade, but then we would have to take Oklahoma City and STILL keep Dallas. Guess I can live with Austin...for now.”

Surely this will be a political winner...right?

Setting aside the NFL Border Wars…the Houston Texans are moving on in what is proving a more difficult than expected quest to avoid another non-winning performance. “On one hand, it is nice to keep this symmetry, the whole 1-11-1 thing. Still, you can’t use that for a trifecta. DraftKings for some reason doesn’t allow it. So, we will change those numbers. Would rather a 2-11-1 bet…should turn some good money, no?” Cal McNair noted.

As for the team, the same feelings of trying to find the silver linings as has been the case in 12 of 13 games continue.

“Hey, I know we lost, but man, I got my first TD catch…” noted WR Amari Rodgers

“Dude, did you see me tear it up against the Southern Oklahoma secondary? I hate losing, but still, 10 receptions for 124 yards isn’t nothing” opined another Texans receiver Chris Moore.

“I didn’t have to play and I’m still getting my $18M” noted “injured” receiver Brandin Cooks.

“I hated leaving that game early with injury. I don’t like being hurt. It’s no fun, and especially against the Dallas fans. Or were they Alabama fans? Sometimes, it is hard to tell. Anyway, I don’t like injuries. I am suppose to injure people, not get injured” lamented the team’s top running back Dameon Pierce. “So, so close to a 1,000 yard season. Would be so awesome to get that in my first NFL year. I mean, not that I would take a NFT of the game ball that got me 1,000 yards rushing and then send it to Dan Mullen as a Christmas gift to let him know good things happen when you actually play me in the games. Nope, not thinking of that at least two times a day.”

Houston Texans v Dallas Cowboys Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images

“Sucks for Pierce. Then again, it might be for the best that the team shuts him down for the season” observed Long Snapper Jon Weeks. “The way this franchise is going this year, kid will be up to 1,001 yards for the season until the final carry, and then somehow the team will find a way for him to lose 2 yards and end the year with 999 yards rushing.

With Pierce confirmed out for the upcoming game against Kansas City, Houston is likely to lean on veteran running back Rex Burkhead to shoulder the rushing load. “Hey, who says us old guys can’t ball? Me and Jon over here will be offering more than just veteran leadership, but old Testament beat…”

“Speak for yourself, Rex,” Weeks snorted. “I am aged like fine wine, still long-snapping and special teaming like a boss. YOU, on the other hand, are aged like rotten Long John Silver’s tartar sauce left out in the sun way too long. Your ‘running’ skills against Dallas…yeah, I rest my case.”

Houston Texans v Miami Dolphins
Just don’t run like he used to…
Photo by Megan Briggs/Getty Images

“Sirs! Sirs! Please, no one wants to see two old guys go at it. That’s not good for your hearts or digestion. Besides, neither of you are wearing your MedicAlert devices” chimed in rookie Thomas Booker, who immediately started to run when Weeks made to launch his latest series of AARP mailers at the kid. Burkhead also got up and ran after the rookie, but could only make it five steps before he tripped and fell.

“Keeps proving my point, don’t it?” Weeks muttered.

No matter who gets the bulk of the rushing carries, there will still be a lot of attention on the offense. While the Texans put up the most points since an earlier season loss to San Diego Los Angeles, offensive coordinator Pep Hamilton still faces increased pressure and stress. We asked him about the offense in the previous game:

“What the [Easterby] do you expect of me, you overrated, uncaring mother[Easterby]s? I actually do something innovative, using two QBs to keep a playoff contending team off-balance, and what do you focus on? That the [Easterby] offense couldn’t score from 5 yards out in the 4th quarter!!! No team scores TDs in 100% of its red zone trips in a season. Those are hard to get. You just need to accept that you can’t win them all. Besides, it wasn’t the offense that gave 98 yards after that series, was it? What did you expect with a running back whose leg bones are half fossilized and a QB that has only played in a couple of games to this point in the season?”

“Oh, about that whole ‘played in a few games thing’…” smirked Jeff Driskel [Ed Note: We are going with this spelling of “Driskel”, even though some use the TCU/UT transliteration spelling of “Driscoll” or “Driscol”]. “An athletic super-stud, who was actually the team’s best yards per rushing DOOD, who can get first downs, and oh, by the way, the ONLY QB on the roster who has lead any fourth quarter comebacks this whole [Easterby] season, and you only had him available for TWO games before the contest in Oklahoma? Yeah, some will say that my fourth quarter comebacks were in the first two games of the pre-season, with players that are now backup concession stands workers, but you know what? It was still the same athletic super-stud that used those replacement parts to get the DUBS! I am directly responsible for two wins…and what about the other guys?”

Houston Texans v Dallas Cowboys
17.3 pts/game with him in the offense, 15.9 without him…might be on to something.
Photo by Sam Hodde/Getty Images

“I…I…guess so. I don’t know. I just try to throw the ball before I get hurt. I…I…just want to go home now.” Davis Mills weakly chimed in. Our reporters couldn’t locate the previous starter Kyle Allen. Something about him meeting with a realtor to sell some property.

“So, now that you bring back the best offensive weapon…well, ok, I’ll give it up to my Gator Bro Dameon [Pierce]. He’s ballin’. Still, you bring back THE NUMBER SIX, and the offense actually has life. Can you just IMAGINE if we had been doing this all year????”

When head coach Lovie Smith was asked about the spirited position of the aforementioned quarterback, he could only shrug. “Eh, what do I care? Life moves forward, and so do I. Ceaselessly we bear our burdens, rowing across the infinite seas and currents that is life. A never-ending contest of sea, wind and waves, bearing down up our backs…”

Cleveland Browns v Houston Texans
Forsaken am I, but mere a humble soul in the maelstrom of life, a servant who unceasingly struggles against the slings and arrows…
Photo by Logan Riely/Getty Images

Our reporter had a series of follow-up questions for head coach, but unable to comprehend the meaning of the last statement, said reporter’s mind shut down and our staff found the reporter sitting in a back alley, starring off into space while swaying to some unknown source of music, all while muttering...’the waves, the sea…the waves, the boat…”

What that means for the next game against the Kansas City Chiefs, or for the rest of the season, or for anything related to the Texans, only time will tell.