HAIR OF THE DOG WEEK 15: Kansas City Chiefs at Houston Texans

For pretty much the entire planet, there was only one sporting event worth watching: the World Cup Final. You had two international soccer/football powerhouses in Argentina and France. You had the two biggest stars in the game with Argentina’s Lionel Messi and France’s Kylian Mbappe. You had Argentina go up 2-0 and with 10 minutes left in regulation. They were on cruise control for the World Cup. Then in the span of two minutes, Mbappe scored two goals to level the match. The game went into overtime. Messi scores to give Argentina the lead, only for Mbappe to match him with three minutes left in overtime. Then penalty kicks. Argentina won that shootout 4-2 and clinched their third World Cup.

To follow that madness...we had Kansas City coming to Houston. This screamed KC blowout. Houston had the near-miss at Dallas, but most figured that they would not be a burden to the AFC West leading Kansas City Chiefs. NRG Stadium was Kansas City South based on fan attendance. Yet, the Houston Texans somehow gave Kansas City a fight. Houston actually lead at the half and at the start of the fourth quarter. Mahomes played like MVP Mahomes at times, but KC seemed intent on making this way harder than it needed to be. Playing for a 51 yard FG at the end of regulation? That is not the strategy of a championship team. KC botched their 1st possession in OT and Houston had the ball, only needing a FG to pull-off the upset. Then Davis Mills fumbled in derptastic fashion, Kansas City scored the subsequent 26-yard rushing TD, giving them their seventh straight division title. Houston moved that much closer to locking up the #1 pick in the 2023 draft.

As always, your Battle Red Masthead followed the surprisingly tight matchup from Houston. Clearly, there were takes on this. Some good, some bad, and some, well, you watch nearly two seasons of Davis Mills reaffirming he is not a franchise QB, all while watching a team that has but a few players any other team would consider playing on their squad on Sundays...yeah...In classic ‘Dog fashion, all questionable words have been edited for readability in “professional” settings. With that, on to the ‘Dog:

HOTD WEEK 15: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (And may [insert preferred deity here] have mercy on our souls)

[Ed Note: There was a bit of commentary on the World Cup Final. Some of that conversation has been edited out except where relevant to American football interests. Still, it was as bonkers and intense a World Cup final as you could ever hope to see. Much can, will, and should be said about this particular World Cup, but FIFA, et al got the dream matchup, and it definitely didn’t disappoint. Now back to your regularly scheduled ‘Dog]

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This game has unofficially being brought to you by Bartesian. When your team is tumbling head long into the worst record in the NFL and the worst record in franchise history you probably need to drink and drink often. Bartesian mixes 50 different cocktail flawlessly. You can do it in the safety of your own home. The good folks at BRB remind everyone not to drive or operate power tools while using Bartesian.

l4blitzer

So, apparently Howard is getting the start at Guard today. Stupid-ball is in full bloom for the Texans today…

vballretired

You’re kittening me?

So Charlie Heck at right tackle?

l4blitzer

Yep..still…Howard at guard. When has that really been effective. As a tackle, solid, but guard????

vballretired

Honest question: is heck better than whoever they would have put at guard? I guess that’s the thinking. My thinking is four out five guys could have played their normal spot.

l4blitzer

Possible. Still, not expecting good things here

vballretired

With Rex Burkhead as your primary runner and Chris Moore as your primary receiver? The [KITTEN] you say?

l4blitzer

Well, Moore balled last week, but the rest…

vballretired

Yes he did

l4blitzer

Ok. We have hit peak insanity in Qatar now. Mbappe has single handedly tied it up against Argentina. 2-2. If this goes extra time, does Fox bump the NFL pregame?

vballretired

I’m watching and just caught the goal in time

l4blitzer

Looks like the pregame show gettin’ bumped

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And we go extra innings

l4blitzer

I’m just waiting to see if this goes to penalties and then this bumps the early NFL games on Fox…let the gripping begin

Messi answers. Mbappe…you’re up.

Patrick

It will not serve as a surprise to anyone but I’m seeing more Chiefs fans here than Texans fans.

l4blitzer

Really? You don’t say?

Patrick

I do say.

vballretired

Shocked

l4blitzer

Next, you’re going to tell me that there’s gambling at Rick’s

And Mbappe answers…HOLY DURGA KITTEN

The last few seconds of this game…sheer bonkers…absolute bonkers

PKs…think the early games on Fox gettin’ bumped

vballretired

Possibly. I switched to CBS during the break

l4blitzer

I highly doubt any of the games today are going to match the madness of this final.

vballretired

It was as entertaining as soccer can be

Oh and did I mention Bartesian? Folks it’s almost game time. Let’s mix those drinks.

Patrick

This is a Chiefs home game.

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Aren’t they all?

Patrick

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Hey Kevin Harlan is doing this one. Second string crew today rather than sixth.

Patrick

He usually does Chiefs and Green Bay Packers games.

vballretired

Lots of fans dressed as empty seats

Yay we get the ball first

Driskel with the start

Playing both guys

That throw just hit a fan and made him spill his beer

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Ok, first down for KC. Does Mahomes torch us or do they gash our run defense?

Maholmes with the rare bad throw

HOU possession

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Hit Moore in the worst spot…the hands

The screen to Burkhead doesn’t work. Who would have guessed?

Three and out. I’m pretty sure we lead the league in those.

That’s a sack

Hey, they forced another punt

HOU POSSESSION

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Nice throw by Mills to our leading receiver

First down Burkhead

l4blitzer

Texans matriculating the ball down the field…and that reference works for this matchup in particular

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Now that looks familiar

Dropped by Aikins in the end zone

PI call on KC

Hahahahahahahahaha

l4blitzer

Awww, Kansas City with the early holiday gift

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Driskel/Driscoll just ran out of bounds taking the sack

Patrick

STOP THE GAME! STOP THE GAME!

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Unspellable with the touchdown catch

l4blitzer

:::NFL immediately investigate Chiefs for match fixing:::

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I have a 21.5 point lead over my wife

Mills to Quitoriano for 8 yard TD; HOU 7 - KC 0; 1:01, 1st

l4blitzer

So the Texans did outscore Mbappe…

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I’m going back door cover

Patrick

The two quarterback threat…worked? Hail Hydra!

KC POSSESSION

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There is that vaunted run defense

Damn that was competitive defense right there

END OF THE 1ST QUARTER…TEXANS ACTUALLY LEADING…FOR NOW

2ND QUARTER

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Four down territory

l4blitzer

Commentators talking about the Texans giving away a puppy.

That kinda game

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No need for fourth down

l4blitzer

Oh, our pass _efense has entered the game

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That was a great effort by the defense there

MAHOMES TO MCKINNON for 20 YARD TD; KC 7 - HOU 7; 12:27, 2nd

HOU POSSESSION

l4blitzer

Uh, how about that? Another 1st down.

Joe Critz

chris moore has been looking better

l4blitzer

Dorsett passing? Why not? Everyone else is apparently playing QB for the Texans, so let’s add to the tab.

KC POSSESSION

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Fumble?!

TEXANS WITH THE FUMBLE RECOVERY AT THE KC 17; HOU BALL

Joe Critz

WOOO

l4blitzer

And we start with the knocked down incomplete pass

Joe Critz

hahaha

i just wanna see jeff driskel run straight if he’s getting the ball

l4blitzer

But why pass when you can run the Galloping Giraffe in the Serengeti…

Joe Critz

DAVIS MILLS RUN

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Did I just see that or is my diabetes medication causing hallucinations?

Joe Critz

WHAT THE HECK

i didn’t know he could do that?!?!

DAVIS MILLS WITH THE 17 YARD SCRAMBLE FOR THE TD: HOU 14 - KC 7; 9:19, 2nd

Patrick

Runaway giraffe!!

l4blitzer

Here I was thinking that the Texans game could no way match the bonkerness of the WC final, but they are doing the whole “Challenge Accepted” thing.

vballretired

I didn’t they’d score 14 points for the remainder of the season

KC POSSESSION

l4blitzer

The running back for the Chiefs is [BLANK]. He gained [enter high number of positive yards]

Maybe the NFL really does need to investigate for match-fixing. Chiefs with the plethora of self-inflected wounds.

HOU POSSESSION

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Garbage sack for Collins

l4blitzer

Apparently it is not being scored as a sack…

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That sucks for him

l4blitzer

In for running back for Houston is [BLANK]. He just gained [Enter number of positive yards]

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This is just weird

l4blitzer

Given that Buffalo won last night, KC needs to win just to keep up with them in the race for home field advantage in the playoffs. Can’t be dogging it here.

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Ok, that’s more like it

l4blitzer

Everyone saw that run coming with Driskel/Driscoll…

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I think there’s a site called cowardly punts. I’m not sure why I remembered that just now.

l4blitzer

Shoulda gone for it, but they at least pinned KC at their own 3 yard line

I bet the surrender index is awesome for that punt.

KC POSSESSION

l4blitzer

After a major great play and KC with the dumb penalty…they really ain’t into this game right now.

Never mind

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Ladies and gentlemen, that’s the difference between a franchise QB and just a guy.

2 MINUTE WARNING

l4blitzer

Total Texans _efense in effect

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Wow. Maholmes is fun to watch though

l4blitzer

Welp, that was fun while it lasted.

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Another touchdown. Pending review

We have a halftime lead!!!!

MAHOMES TO A KC WR WITH A LONG HYPHENATED NAME, BUT KC MISSES THE EXTRA POINT. CURRENT TEXANS 14 - OLD TEXANS 13; 0:14; 2ND

l4blitzer

What were the odds for the Texans having a halftime lead? Asking for a KC player..hypothetically.

HALFTIME…AND HOUSTON HOLDS THE LEAD. REPEAT, THE TEXANS HOLD THE LEAD.

HALFTIME REACTIONS (IF ANY)

Patrick

I can’t say I saw the Texans having the lead at the half, that’s for damn sure.

vballretired

Okay, this team has played some good football the last two weeks. They would be undermanned even if completely healthy. Missing a half dozen starters is more than remarkable. They are still losing this game, but it makes this team a lot more fun to watch.

l4blitzer

Part of me feels like this game is the equivalent of my cat playing with a cricket. The cat is dominant and will win, but the cat just plays with the insect, offering moments where the bug can still jump around and make the cat work. That is my sense with this one. Credit to the Texans mostly continuing the devil-may-care attitude and still fighting, but this game should not be this close. Chiefs can be too arrogant for their own good, and this was evident in the 1st half. Expect them to bear down and squash the Texans under their paws in the second half.

vballretired

I’ve seen my cats play that game for years. Boy cats are particularly bad about that. Girl cats just kill it and eat it.

KC with the ball first

Un efense back

Razzle dazzle

And the Chiefs said kitten it. We will just go ahead and win it.

KC POSSESSION

vballretired

Who needs third down? Oh heck, who needs second down?

Man he’s fun to watch

Wow, holding them to a field goal

16-14 Native American leaders

l4blitzer

_EFENSE!!! _EFENSE!!! _EFENSE!!!

BUTKER WITH THE 27 YARD FG; O.G. TEXANS 16 - NEW SCHOOL TEXANS 14; 9:05, 3RD

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Houston possession

Ok, that looks familiar. Normalcy has returned.

l4blitzer

Great start to the 2nd half offense

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Three and out baby!

l4blitzer

Supremely goodest start to the H-town 2nd half offense

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I would say goodly or goodish

KC Possession

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They are over 100 yards rushing by the way

Ouch

Patrick

Christian Harris out there making plays.

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Hahahahahahahaha

l4blitzer

It’s tough enough to stop the Chiefs straight up. Unnecessary Roughness Penalties really don’t help.

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Given this season it was completely necessary

l4blitzer

Don’t think that JuJu will put that hold on Instagram

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KC imploding here

l4blitzer

What sort of ink is Andy Reid using in those mustaches? The fumes are getting to the KC players and coaches here.

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I think all of those plays were legal when we were kids

l4blitzer

Texans’ Challenge. Please stand by…Please stand by…Please stand by….

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Somewhere Caserio has a voodoo doll for Reid

Fumble fumble fumble!

AT LONG LAST, THE OFFICIALS DECIDED THAT IT WAS A FUMBLE. HOUSTON BALL

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Burkhead on third down?

Ok, that looks familiar

l4blitzer

Houston on the move…but a classic 1st down incompletion by Houston after a gift of a penalty

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I smell Fairbairn

Wow KC is struggling

l4blitzer

KC Arrogance blinds them…

On the other hand, Houston won’t say no to the gifts

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Hahahagahahaha

This is nuts

l4blitzer

Chiefs MUST have big money on losing to us. That is the only explanation…that or they are way too overconfident and they will get one of those loses they shouldn’t because they play too loose.

vballretired

The weekly Tunsil false start

Holy kittens!!!!!

I lead by 19.5 points

l4blitzer

Ah, see, Tunsil wanted to hook up his QB for more fantasy points for the pass play.

Patrick

I am so confused.

MILLS TO AKINS FOR 12 YARD TD; HOU 21 - KC 16; 1:25, 3RD

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Hey the fourth quarter is coming. It’s our time!

l4blitzer

Welp, this ain’t World Cup Final insane, but this is getting kinda fun and crazy…

vballretired

Normalcy will return

Huge hit by Hairston

KC POSSESSION

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Un Efense is back

Yup, it’s our time now!

3RD QUARTER ENDS. THIS GAME IS GOING EXACTLY LIKE WE ALL FIGURED IT WOULD, WITH HOU LEADING IN A CLOSE MATCHUP WITH KC

vballretired

What’s remarkable is that we are on pace to surrender about 450 yards yet still somehow lead

l4blitzer

Bend but don’t break at its finest

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Harris with a clutch penalty there

l4blitzer

Well, he is a rookie, so those are to be expected.

Now, how does KC sabotage this one?

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Maholmes showing why he earns 20 million per season after taxes

Wow that was competitive defense

MAHOMES ACTUALLY DOES NOT SELF-DESTRUCT ON THIS DRIVE, WITH THE 5 YARD TD SCRAMBLE. THROW IN A 2 PT CONVERSION AND KC WITH THE 24-21 LEAD; 11:57, 4TH

l4blitzer

“All he had to do was outrun Lopez…I can still do that” Andre Ware with the assessment of the day.

vballretired

Still lead my better half by 11.5 points. Let’s go back door cover!

HOU POSSESSION

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Chiefs already over 400 yards total offense

Look at Mills go

He’s the Texans leading rusher I think

l4blitzer

Wouldn’t surprise me.

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96 yards passing

l4blitzer

Just checked. Freeman has a 9 yard advantage (29 to 20)

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Another penalty on KC

l4blitzer

GLORY TO ALL PENALTY OFFENSE

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Razzle dazzle

Damn, nice catch by Jordan

l4blitzer

Chiefs just…can’t…shake…off…Houston

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Jacktown beating Dallas. Interesting

l4blitzer

Excellent. Houston broke them

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Wow, look at this

l4blitzer

Houston matriculating that ball down the field, boys…

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Never mind, Dallas winning again

l4blitzer

Ah well, it is Jacksonville, so you can’t put too much faith in them (coming from a Houston fan)

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I keep waiting for something stupid to happen

Patrick

Lovie’s gonna get another year out of this isn’t he?

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Ok, that was it

l4blitzer

Depends. Who’s the next hot New England prospect?

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Jared Mayo

l4blitzer

That is more realistic than we want/realize…

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I’m going Jonathan Gannon

l4blitzer

Ware not holding back criticizing the play calling here.

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Tie ballgame

FAIRBARIN WITH THE 29 YARD FG, TIE GAME BETWEEN THE TWO FRANCHISES THAT CLAIM THE TEXANS AS A NICKNAME AT ONE POINT IN THEIR RESPECTIVE HISTORIES 24-24; 5:11, 4TH

vballretired

Not that I want Gannon. That’s just my prediction.

l4blitzer

Not likely to happen here, but how stupid would a tie with KC be for this season?

vballretired

Two ties equal a win?

Joe Critz

This game is crazy

l4blitzer

Eh, in international soccer parlance, a tie is only worth 1 point, so 2 ties = 2 points. A win = 3 points

vballretired

Imagine the Arizona/Denver game between two kitteny teams with backup QBs

l4blitzer

How is that going to be any better than if they played their starters?

Joe Critz

Davis Mills is having his end of season comeback szn!!!

vballretired

Maybe we can decide on penetrations

Patrick

Should we be happy with Christian Harris? He’s played well so far.

vballretired

Somewhat

l4blitzer

He is happy to be here and isn’t pouting, so that is something

Joe Critz

I think so

He’s been pretty alright

vballretired

I think you give all these rookies a pass until they bring in real coaching

l4blitzer

Chiefs just going to run it so they can kill the clock and kick the winning FG?

vballretired

Yeah, why risk it?

Gash the un efense

TWO MINUTE WARNING

l4blitzer

Ah, that pesky scrambling QB thingy…

Joe Critz

Mahomes doing the scrambling thing makes my heart sink so fast

l4blitzer

I get Houston taking the timeouts to try to save time, but if KC just gets another 10-15 yards, they will just kneel down and finish it.

vballretired

Pretty much

Making them earn it I guess

l4blitzer

Well, if they think they can manage a 50 yard FG for the win…ok.

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Harlan adding the hex

Overtime

Joe Critz

WOOOOOO

KC MISSED THE 51 YARDER TO WIN: 24-24 with 0:08.

l4blitzer

Ware also hexed the kicker

Kenneth L.

Wild

l4blitzer

Still, dumb of KC to play for a 50+ yarder.

When they could and should have moved it closer.

Kenneth L.

Agreed

vballretired

This has not been Reid’s finest effort

Chiefs get the ball

Patrick

This is [KITTEN]ing nuts.

BONUS FOOTBALL: TEXANS 24 - CHIEFS 24 GOING INTO OVERTIME

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Hey you got your money’s worth

KC will surpass 500 yards total offense. This is nuts

KC POSSESSION

l4blitzer

Do we think now KC will just play for the TD and finish this thing?

vballretired

They just wanted more yards

Jacktown going to OT

That was easy

KC timeout

vballretired

I think Kelce has like 20 catches

l4blitzer

Gee…Kelce has been a thorn in the Texans’ side for years. Maybe KC should try to go to him more often.

Kelce with 9 catches today. Well, now 10

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Holy cow a sack

Kenneth L.

LETS RIDE

FOOLS

l4blitzer

…and KC is out of FG range. Kansas City really wants to lose here, don’t they?

Patrick

What the hell is going on here?!

vballretired

No matter what happens I cover

HOU POSSESSION

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Let’s go tie!

Kenneth L.

If we end the season with more ties than wins I’ll commit treason

vballretired

That’s hilarious

Kenneth L.

Well [KITTEN]

Patrick

Oh [KITTEN] you Mills.

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Oh come. Embrace the comedy

l4blitzer

Well, most giraffes can’t hold things well with their hooves.

KC RECOVERS THE DAVIS MILLS FUMBLE, KC BALL AT THE HOU 26

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Hahahahahahahahahaha

And we are 1-12-1

Kenneth L.

That felt scripted

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Or just stupid

Kenneth L.

It’s all a lie

Nothing is real

Joe Critz

NOOOO

:(

KC MERCIFULLY ENDS THIS COMEDY OF ERRORS WITH A MCKINNON 26 YARD TD RUN. KC 30 - HOU 24. HOUSTON FALLS TO 1-12-1

Kenneth L.

Nothing matters

It’s all over

Woe is me

Meanwhile I’m giggling at this

Carlos Flores

If that wasn’t the most Texan [KITTEN] I’ve ever seen in my whole life

l4blitzer

KC with the win on the field, but probably lost a lot of money betting against themselves (allegedly)

Carlos Flores

How could they make me follow up the greatest World Cup game I’ve ever seen in my life with this. [KITTEN] Fox.

Or CBS, Pluckers, who cares.

l4blitzer

Too bad KC couldn’t sign Messi or Mbappe to kick FGs…would have ended this a lot sooner

vballretired

This is building towards a Lovie/Saturday showdown in Week 18. Ladies and gentlemen, that will be must watch tv.

GAME BALLS: This was a strange game in many facets. The Texans were outgained over 2-1 in yardage. Kansas City ran over 20 more plays than Houston and nearly held a 2-1 advantage in time of possession. Yet, KC also had over 100 yards in penalties and lost the turnover battle 2-1. For Houston, no one player really stood out. However, the defense, even though they surrendered 30 points, made KC work for their points. They also didn’t interfere too much when Kansas City self-destructed. Game Ball to rookie LB Christian Harris, leading the squad with 14 tackles, include three TFLs, and generally flying around like a possessed Argentine midfielder. We’ll also toss one Christian Kirksey’s way for his 11-tackle, one sack, one TFL effort. Also, while there is much to criticize about him, the leadership of Lovie Smith, keeping this team fighting and making life [KITTEN] for heavily-favored contenders needs acknowledgement.

SHOULD BE FORCED TO SWEEP THE STREET INTERCHANGE BETWEEN THE GALLERIA/LOOP 610/I-10: Davis Mills. Mills has had plenty of chances to show he could be the man for the Texans. He once again had the chance to lead a game-winning drive. Once again, he didn’t get it done. Time is up for Mills. While he not the sole reason for the Texans’ struggles, his clutch-for-Kansas City-fumble is the nail in the coffin for his starting career in Houston. He’ll finish out the season, but Mills should not be the one to lead this team in 2023.

KC Coaching Staff: Houston did their part to lose this game, and their 13th non-winning decision this season is well-deserved. However, Kansas City, a team that won the Super Bowl three seasons ago and was in the game two seasons ago, seemed to want to out-derp the Houston staff. Poor disciplined play and some incredibly questionable tactical decisions in the 4th quarter nearly cost Kansas City a game that they could ill-afford to lose. They won, clinched the division and stayed within striking distance of home-field for the AFC playoffs. However, this type of performance will cost them against superior competition. They have the talent, but sometimes, their arrogance will cost them. It did in the AFC Championship last year, and it nearly did so in Houston. Also, Kansas City kicker Harrison Butker, with a missed PAT and somehow making Andy Reid think that playing for a 51-yard FG is a winning strategy. Make the PAT, and the Chiefs tie at halftime and get strategic advantage. Make the FG, and OT is not a concern. Not helping the reputation of kickers, dude.

After their second near-miss of upsetting a playoff-contending team, the Texans will look to give another playoff-contending opponent massive angst. That opponent: the suddenly struggling Titans of Tennessee. Kickoff is at noon central in Nashville this Saturday, Christmas Eve.