TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: Week 17, and the Texans are Right Where They Want to Be

HOUSTON – A major goal for most NFL teams is to play well and lead their respective divisions. Division winners are guaranteed a berth in the playoffs, and hosting at least one playoff game. Given that in a 17-game schedule, six of those games will be against division foes, it stands to reason that NFL teams will build teams with the goal of winning their division-matchups. The teams in the AFC South are no exception.

“Got to win those division match-ups. They are critical to team success, especially for short and long term goals” noted Lovie Smith. “We think that our roster and game planning aligns well with the teams in our division.”

Perhaps Coach Smith does have a point, as the Houston Texans, by virtue of their win over the Titans on Christmas Eve, possess a 2-1-1 division record, which give them a .625 winning percentage, a few points higher than the Titans’ .600 division winning percentage (3-2). Jacksonville is currently 2-2 and the Colts…well, they aren’t even in the running for this, so their record really doesn’t matter here.

“See, we are leading our division!!! To all them doubters, all them haters, all of them [Easterbys] doubting us…don’t ever underestimate the heart of a champion!!!” lauded running back Rex Burkhead.

“What the [Easterby] championship are you going on about?” growled Long Snapper Jon Weeks. “You weren’t even on this team the last time we won a division crown.”

“Oh, and what do you call our stellar 2023 pre-season championship, when we went 3-0 and cleaned up against such teams as the San Francisco 49ers, Saints and the Super Bowl Champion [Los Angeles] Rams?” Burkhead countered.

“Hey, if we are talking about that championship, then I think that all y’all better show some [Easterby] respect to the MVP of that championship run!” retorted a quarterback lurking in the background, with only the ubiquitous #6 visible in the shadows of the light.

Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

“Oh, great.” Noted one-time starting quarterback for the Texans Kyle Allen. “As if HE needed anymore boosting to his ego. Now everyone is talking about this next game as if it is a pre-season game…and you know what that means…”

Surprisingly, that throwaway [line] from Kyle Allen was probably the most accurate thing we can say about all of his actions this season. In a strange scheduling quirk. the upcoming game between the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Houston Texans will have absolutely no bearing on the final fate of the AFC South. While the Titans have to deal with the play-off bound Dallas Cowboys and the suddenly insufferable egomania of their fans, who, amid their 20,000^th iteration of the chant “How ‘bout dem Cowboys” after defeating Gardner Minshew and his glorious mullet-mustache combination, the Jags and Texans will meet for the second time this season. Regardless of the result on the field for either team, the AFC South champion and playoff spot will be decided in a Week 18 winner-take-all matchup in Jacksonville.

“We’re thinking we will be in a great spot to get the coveted NBC prime-time New Years’ Night Matchup.” Titans Owner Amy Adams Strunk noted.

Shortly after those comments from the BE-SF Titans owner, NBC released the following statement:

“If faced with that option as our only ‘win-or-go-home matchup’, we are thinking of either exercising our double-secret probation option to dump that on to Amazon Prime or just show the movie version of Cats. We think either of those options would be best for our shareholders and loyal viewers.”

Upon that news, Amazon corporate released this reply:

“We at Amazon Prime take extreme insult with the thought that the NFL could saddle us with the Titans-Jaguars matchup. Amazon Prime has already dumped $1B into the coffers of the NFL and their owners, and quite frankly, we’ve carried enough of those type of games. There is only so much hyping you can do to get clicks on a Jacksonville-Jets matchup, and don’t get us started on the monstrosity that the NFL forced on us with the Colts-Broncos matchup earlier in the season.”

“Hey, hey...Just one [Easterby] minute!” chided rookie Derek Stingley Jr. “I think you are selling short the ‘Division being decided in a Week 18 matchup between Jacksonville and Far Northern Alabama…excuse me, Far Eastern Arkansas…oh, silly me…Far Western Georgia…oh, well, that bit of land between all those states’. You notice how we have a 2-1-1 division record. We win out, we will be at 4-1-1 in the division. The REAL division champs. We will have earned it, actually winning our division games, and not loading up on the non-division schedule…you know, cupcakes like the Chiefs, the [Los Angeles] Chargers, the New Jersey Giants, the football team next to those Phillies losers, the Oklahoma team, and whatever they are calling the Washington squad.”

“It would be a nice way to finish the season, going on a 3-game win streak to end at 4-1-1 in the division. Hey, it could mean that we won’t finish with the worst record in the league!!!! That would be so great for all of us.” Noted Coach Lovie Smith.

Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

Most Texans players and coaches seemed to echo that sentiment. MOST Texans’ personnel and fans. There were some who were not as thrilled at this prospect.

Totally Not Fake News sources reported that Houston Texans GM Nick Caserio was not looking too good. Apparently, he has not slept well these past couple of night. You would think that the GM that is putting together a team that might finish the with the best division record in the AFC South would be happy, but we are not so sure. Sources report that the GM has tossed and turned in his bed after the win in Nashville. He was also heard to mutter”…no, no…don’t…don’t take Bryce from me!!! No…please, please, let me still draft Stroud!..(snort)...Not Levis. NO, NOT Levis…or…or…RICHARDSON!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! LOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!”

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

“Don’t know what [Caserio] is all worried about. He’s got me, ya know” observed the QB in the #6 jersey.

Regardless of the final division record of the Texans at the end of the season, Totally Not Fake News will be there, even if many other media sources want to desperately turn away.