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Hey, Bengals: Let’s Make A Deal!

I think we got someone you might be interested in.

Jacksonville Jaguars v Houston Texans Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Holy crap, Cincinnati, that sucked, didn’t it?

It must have been hard watching your team lose a Super Bowl in such an ignominious fashion, wasn’t it? I wouldn’t know anything about it personally, seeing as I’m a Houston Texans fan and will probably see the world turn into a radioactive cinder long before I see the team I love fight for the Lombardi Trophy.

But you know something? It was a great season y’all had, and I think I may have a way of making 2022 even better for both our teams. Would you like to hear it? Well, c’mon into the Houston Texans’ sales office where value is king, because do I have a deal for you.

As we both saw in the Super Bowl, your Bengals sure did struggle to keep Joe Burrow upright. I mean, I know the refs basically intervened in the last two minutes of the game to give the Rams 20 yards and 13 first downs, but I can’t help you with finding reliable refs who you can outbid the Rams for to ensure favorable calls. That’s just above my pay grade. However, I can help you with keeping Burrow upright. Your offensive line gave up, what, seven sacks for 43 yards in the big game? And one of those sacks resulted in Burrow injuring his good knee, too. Not great, Cincinnati.

But what that tells me is you might be in the market for a high-quality, and I do mean HIGH, pre-owned left tackle to take some of the pressure of protecting Joe Burrow’s life off of Joe Burrow himself.

This is our Tunsil model. It runs great and he blocks like a dream. He does get the occasional false start, but if you just let him warm up a little bit, that’ll sort itself out real quick. And he’s incredibly reliable, once you can get him out onto the field. He’s only had a little bit of light wear and tear. He only tore a thumb last season, and it was fully healed after four weeks.

What’s that? Why do we have him under a tarp winterized if he only had a minor ding with an expected recovery time of four weeks? We didn’t want other dealerships to get jealous of our flagship model. That’s why.

And he didn’t want to go back out onto the field for a losing team that he wasn’t going to help win games. But that’s beside the point.

Besides, we’re overstocked with left tackles right now as it is. We have a brand new model we’re trying to break in.

Tytus Howard is a fine addition to our lot and we think he has potential, but for some reason we just can’t find the right spot to place him on the field. We won’t be needing the Tunsil model to protect our quarterback because we have his replacement. We don’t really feel like we need to protect our quarterback so much as to hang on to this fine specimen. This means that we have our Tunsil model PRICED. TO. MOVE! And you, lucky Bengals, can get in on the ground floor for the right price.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. For this kind of quality craftsmanship, we must be demanding a pretty penny for this left tackle. And we did buy him at a premium for two first round picks and a second round pick and a hefty contract extension to boot. To be fair, the last sales manager we had was a complete rube who, I think, was hired by his dad so he didn’t understand what money was. But still, despite all that, we are willing, MORE than willing, to sell Tunsil’s contract to you at a fraction of the price! Because we like you and, in an odd way, we kind of see ourselves in you, back when we had dreams of being a competently-run franchise.

So here’s my first offer: if you want to give us a first round pick and maaaaaayyyyybe a third for Tunsil, you can have him right here and now. I’ll even put a bow on him for your and pay the shipping costs out of my own pocket! But I understand if you’re a little hesitant about spending that kind of capital.

You need time to think it over, while watching tape, over and over again through the entire offseason, of Joe Burrow getting sacked seven (7!) times during one of the most important games of your lives. I get it. You take some time and think it over. If you like what you see and want to save your quarterback’s life, maybe we can work something out. But you gotta remember, this is a premium talent and there are going to be other teams—so many other teams—who are going to be in the market for a left tackle of this caliber. So don’t take too long in getting back to me on this, okay?

Here’s my card with my email address and phone number. If you have any questions or want to make a counteroffer, please contact me any time.

Remember, at UprootedTexan’s Premium Talent A-Go-Go, we make the best deals at the lowest prices for you! So don’t wait! Supplies are limited.