Totally Not Fake News: A New Dawn

Houston, TX - It is a strange, almost surreal time for the Houston Texans. This goes beyond the fact that the team is on its fourth head coach and third general manager in less than three years and generally has been a team in turmoil since that one game in Kansas City. “It’s been hard to figure out what is going on around here,” observed one staffer. “One minute, we are going with this philosophy, the next minute, we go with another philosophy…I…I just don’t know who or what we are.”

“This business can be hard. There is always turnover, and it is not as secure as people would hope. One minute, you are the prince of the city, the next minute, you are on the 5:15 to Cleveland, with a whole lotta baggage in tow,” noted one scout, who almost seemed wistful about that 5:15 to Cleveland.

The feelings of uncertainty and disconcert did not go unnoticed by Texans leadership and staff.

“Hey, this squad has seen a LOT of turnover in the past couple of years. We’ve gone from disappointing team, to underachieving to overachieving to no one know what the [Easterby] to make of us. That can be hard on a psyche. Our GM, our internal house staff, even the illustrious Executive Vice President of Football Operations and spiritual Ayatollah of the Texans can sense it. We need a foundation to build this team into the image of Easterb…er Excellence. However, we are doing our part to try to bring stability.”

Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

Hence, the major resigning of various players, Some, like Maliek Collins, seemed like no-brainers. Others, well, they played.

“Stability is important. People know who Pharaoh Brown and Eric Murray and Rex Burkhead are. They know what they bring to the table. I think there is comfort in that,” noted Nick Caserio.

Caserio continued: “We also felt that stability was important at the coaching staff level. Ok, so Culley didn’t quite work out the way we wanted him to, and we looked around, but ultimately decided that we had absolutely had the best candidate to coach this team right in front of us. Lovie Smith was always the one, and there were no other serious candidates or any outside issues that would “drive” us to make him the top guy for the job. Smith just was, no arguments or questions.”

Photo by Michael Hickey/Getty Images

Still, even with so many familiar faces returning, there are going to be some new names on the locker room and office door plates as the off-season evolves. This offers some opportunities for other people. In particular, the Texans find themselves with something they haven’t had since 2019: A 1st round draft pick.

“TWO whole 1st round draft picks!!!! TWO of them!!!” noted a staffer working for Caserio. “I don’t know if this team even can conceptualize what that means? Since 2018, this organization has only had ONE 1st round pick!!! ONE!!! Yet, for some reason, even that guy…look, I know we drafted him as a tackle and all, and he is probably best suited to play a tackle position and such, but for this organization, which values on-and-off-field culture above all, well, the team culture requires that we make him a guard and we are doing just that. Oh sure, the PFT/PFF/PPPPPFFFFFFTTTTTT grades all say he isn’t a guard, but you’ll see. By the divine right of the Executive Vice President of Football Operations, he will be a guard.”

When the OT….oops, we mean the divinely ordained OG was asked this, he demurred, but we did see a text with the following:

“As my bro Justin told me, only one more year, and then I can get the [Easterby] out of here.”

Photo by David Rosenblum/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Still, there is optimism about the team. As one fan noted:

“Wholly [Easterby]!!! It is actually fun to do a mock draft. I mean, I have friends that cheer for other teams, and they go on about all of these mock drafts, trying to guess what big name player they could get in the 1st or even the 2nd round. Haven’t done that in so long.”

“I mean, any ol’ Titan or Cowboy fan can, or especially a Jacksonville fan, can try to guess a team’s top pick when they have a 1st round pick. But to guess your team’s top pick, when it is in the 3rd round. That takes skill, my friend. Real dedication and commitment. I mean, I haven’t had anyone swipe right on my profile for 5 years, but still...priorities.”

“Still, it is nice to know that some of those top prospects could actually play for the Texans. It is nice to actually look forward to the 1st AND 2nd day of the draft. So nice!!! It’s like back when you actually saw the movies that would win the Oscars, back when people still watched the Oscars”

[Editor’s Note: We interrupt our sports reporting to bring you this headlines from our entertainment department. Apparently, ABC, which has hosted the Oscars for several years is expected to have competition for the broadcast rights for the 2023 Academy Awards. We aren’t sure of all the contenders, but source say that some of the top bids are bring presented by representatives of Tony Khan, Dan White and Vince McMahon. More on this story as it develops. And now, back to our regularly scheduled sports story].

Photo by Neilson Barnard/Getty Images

Some of the players on the team seemed intrigued and glad about an actual first round pick. “Good!” exclaimed the longest-tenured player for the team, LS Jon Weeks. “I don’t think some of the players around here, especially some of the guys who haven’t been around this organization, realize how big a deal this is. When the rookies have to buy the team dinners, a 1st rounder makes a [Easterby]-ton more money, and thus, we can get an actual legit meal. Ok, when the NFL went to the rookie wage scale cap thing, you kinda lost out on some of the good money places. Like the Fogo de Chao/Steak 48 places. But still, you could get a 1st rounder to pony up for a Pappas Bros or a Ruth’s Chris if it was a lower pick in the 1st round. The last few years, when it has only been 3rd rounders…gah!!! Been nothing but TC’s, or Bill Miller’s [possible nausea noise] or…or…freakin’ Red Robin like that punk Mills took us too last season. Took FOREVER to get the food; it tasted like the rancid diapers of the spawn of Satan and half of us nearly died from food poisoning!!! I think he only wanted to go there for the free balloons and the coloring menus…Anyway, with actual first rounders…two of them, and throw in the second rounder, I think we can get a legit steak this time.”

Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

Whether Weeks can get his steak, or the fans have a chance to correctly guess the top pick for the team for once, we at Totally Not Fake News will continue to report on the comings and goings of the young and old for the team.

This edition of Totally Not Fake News is brought to you by Bill Miller’s and Red Robin. When you are looking for two family-friendly places for good foo…wait, wait. We’ve just been informed that we are not actually sponsored by either Bill Miller or Red Robin. Apparently, that document we received from them was not a contract, but a summons for a defamation suit. So, with that, we at Totally Not Fake News will bid all good morning, good afternoon and good night.