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Return Of The King (I’m Back!): 3-Round Bill O’Brien Mock Draft

Ole Chin Dimple himself returns with a vengeance to perform a 3-round mock draft for the Texans.

Legendary Houston GM Bill O’Brien is back for a THREE round mock draft.
Karen Warren/Houston Chronicle

The King is back, boys and girls! That’s right, it’s me, former head coach Bill O’Brien! I know there are rumors out there of me leaving Alabama after Saban absolutely botched our National Title Game, but I’ll tell ya, I’m just out here taking it one day at a time and doing what’s best for the organization.

And look, I know we might’ve had our differences in the past, but I’ve missed yous guys down in H-Town. So today, I’m back to continue my legacy as the self-declared best GM in Texans’ history and to bless Houston fans everywhere with some high quality offseason projections. So sit back, put your Tea Pots on, and get ready for a Bill O’Brien 3-round mock draft!

Round 1, Pick 3: Kenny Pickett (QB, Pitt)

Hoo boy, does this pick take me back! As yous guys know, I was (deservedly so) named the 2012 Bear Bryant Coach of the Year when I was at Penn State. I still look back at that team and I’ll never forget who led us on the field that year: Christian Hackenberg. I tell ya, what the Texans need is a QB just like Hackenberg. Big guy, small hands, pro offense, crippling delf-doubt…And that’s Kenny Pickett! Honestly, kind of reminds me of legendary Texans QB Brock Osweiler. What a guy, that Brock.

Now I know, I know, some of you might think that Hackeberg was a bust since he never played a single snap in the NFL, but I don’t care about any of that. IT DOESN’T MATTER, BRIAN! I know a thing or two about drafting great players, and I definitely know a thing or two about quarterbacks. Pickett it is!

Round 1, Pick 13: Trevor Penning (OT, Northern Iowa).

Now this guy, THIS guy, is an NFL player! I mean, I’m talkin’ TOUGH, SMART, and DEPENDABLE (author’s note: brief fourth wall break here. It physically pained me to write that last sentence. Please, never again)!

You know what I think about the 2022 Texans? I think they need a franchise tackle. In the past, I’d pay at least 2 first rounders, a second rounder and two players for a pick like this! Plus, Penning is literally the only person I’ve ever met in my life that is angrier than I am! Seriously, this guy is like that quiet kid in middle school who was in ROTC and would pull you aside after class and say “watch how cool it is when I burn the ants with lighter fluid.” Pure, unadulterated, psychopathic rage. This kid is gonna be great!

Round 2, Pick 37: Zion Johnson (IOL, Boston College)

*Squints over glasses* Wait! What did we pick here?? Zion Johnson?? That guard from Boston College with an insane work ethic and Pro Bowl caliber traits?? I didn’t want him! I was trying to grab that tight end out of San Diego St. who played water polo - he’s gonna be a steal in the second round! Who made this pick? EASTERBY? [Kitten]dammit, Jack, that’s your pick! That’s your ******* pick, Jack!

Round 3, Pick 68: TRADE with New England

Trade details: Patriots receive: No. 68 overall, WR Brandin Cooks. Texans receive: No. 200 overall, DT Bill Murray, Special Teams Asst. Coach Joe Houston.

I told yous guys that I was the best GM Houston ever had! Take a look at this trade! We take one 3rd round pick and we get a 6th rounder (I love those!), a new coach and Bill Murray! Wait…not that Bill Murray? You mean no private screenings of Groundhog Day? Oh well, at least we got Joe Houston. This guy is perfect for the Texans! He’s the Kicking Whisperer - did an absolutely great job at Alabama with me, and now he works for the Lesser Bill up in New England. I know how much yous guys love modeling the Texans’ program after the Patriots. Man, big pat on the back for myself after this one!

Round 3, Pick 80: Matt Araiza (P, San Diego State)

Speaking of special teamers, my final pick in this 3-round mock draft is a punter. Look, I have to come clean. I may have made a mistake going for that fake punt a few years back against Kansas City in the playoffs - but it wasn’t my fault! Bryan Anger couldn’t sell that fake if his life depended on it! I mean, if Anger was in the movie The Departed, and was trying to go undercover, he would’ve been swimmin’ with the fishes faster than you can “Boston is the best city in the world!”

Oh yeah, back to the draft. What the Texans need is a punter with a big leg and who can act his ass off on 4th down. I’m talking a real Leo DiCaprio. Only problem is we’ll need to make sure to pay him big money so that he doesn’t hold out in the pre-season. Don’t worry, I’m a master at contract deals. I’m thinking 3 years, 23 million should do the trick.

Andddd there it is! Three rounds of undeniable, franchise-altering gold. I can’t believe how good it feels to put the General Manager hat back on - maybe I should make another run at a front office job in the future! I know ole Nick over there at NRG probably has a “plan” or something he’s working on, but I imagine he’ll be reaching out for some BOB consulting here in the next few weeks before the draft. After all, it’s just a few draft picks and some trades - what’s the worst that could happen?