Houston, TX - All the world’s a stage…or so goes the oft quoted adage from The Bard, whomever you want that to be. The size of the “theater” of the stage can vary, from the massive scale of international geo-politics and warfare, to the smaller-scale dramas that unfold in an individual’s everyday life. Sometimes it is minor, sometimes it is life-altering. Likely, if called a “drama” then the events that unfold are of significant interest for the players and the audience.
For the Houston Texans, “drama” has not been in short supply since the calendar turned to the 2020s decade. It all started with a bang: the dramatic Taiwan Jones catch-and-run to culminate a massive Wild Card playoff comeback, only to follow that up with the blown 24-point lead at Kansas City. Then you had the palace intrigue that had even the writers on Game of Thrones envious of the plot twists (especially those that worked on the final season). 3 GMs, 4 head coaches, and a massive turnover in personnel across the board. Oh, then there was the saga of Watson, from superstar to massive pariah. Yeah, the Texans have not been boring…mostly.
“Man, I can’t wait to see what new plot twists the Texans are gonna have this year?” noted one unnamed screenwriter. “I am really wanting to see how that whole trial thing with Watson plays out…oh, the court-room drama alone should be good for ratings. They play their cards right, I think the Texans can come away with an Emmy, maybe on Oscar…at least a renewal for a limited series on FX. Don’t even have to make up anything. Just practically copy/paste from the real-live transcripts.”
“Er, you do know that Watson was traded, right?” Chimed in our sports reporter.
“Wait, what? Watson is now gone?” The screenwriter seemed crestfallen. “I mean, since I heard that the greatest beat reporter in the history of Houston sports reporting and all-you-can-eat-breakfast buffets and personal muse was retiring, I just haven’t read all that much lately. Disappointing. Ok, maybe from a “football” perspective, that helps, but man, they just killed any chance for a sequel. Who’s gonna watch when your best storyline leaves? Ok, so the series relocates to Cleveland, but come on! Cleveland is sooo overdone, and typically, when you have to move the location of a series, that is poison for ratings.”
“[Easterby] it! Well, I mean, at least they still have Jack Easterby. He is always great for some good internal disruption and politics. Those political/royalty shows always are great for some drama. Hey, I remember, the most recent head coaching search, where he wanted to bring in his boy, that former backup QB that hadn’t coached a play in practice in the NFL, and make him the head guy. Talk about some major, major drama. That trainwreck was gonna be so fun. I mean, I heard that they had to settle for someone else, but I am sure that story will be there.”
“Well, here is the thing” our sport/entertainment reporter noted “Yes, Jack did try to push for McCown, and yes, the team did settle for another guy. But it was Lovie Smith, who has actually coached quite a bit in the NFL. Oh, and apparently Jack Easterby is not quite calling the shots for personnel. Caserio and Smith were apparently on the same page…the whole time.”
Huh…well, I mean, isn’t it obvious that Easterby will be directing the coaching plays and be dictating the game through Caserio, who, in turn, will direct the game to the head coach?”
“It is possible that Easterby will still be on the sidelines, but Smith knows what he is doing. Might be older school, but he probably won’t hear much from anyone during the games.”
“Wait? You’re telling me that we don’t have the Watson situation anymore, and that Jack Easterby is likely sidelined in the marquee decision-making process?”
“That is what we are assessing.”
“Well, [Easterby]! You mean there is no fun drama ANYWHERE on the roster of any KIND?!?!?!
“Well, we did hear that Davis Mills might have uttered an actual swear word or two in training. We also got word about a major heated argument about the debate between grace and good works being most important during a weekly study of Romans…nothing terribly juicy.”
“So, let me get this straight? If I want to get my fill of NFL Drama and adventure, I will actually have to rely on the action on the field?”
“Well, what are we going to do? Other than the fake fake punt, the team hasn’t done anything worthy of being dramatic or fun. I am going to have to rely on a coach that plays a late 1990s-early 2000s defense and rely on a mediocre running game and 3rd round QB prospect for excitement?”
“Wait, can you tell me if the spouses/housewives are at each other’s throats? You know, something like the Rooney drama over in England. I mean, we could have the Real Housewives of the Houston Texans. Wait, does Simone Biles have a major beef with any of the other SASOs [Spouses and Significant Others] on the team”
“[EASTERBY IT!!!] Well, maybe the team can put together an exciting game plan, and be dynamic and in a lot of close games…or I guess I can just do a Kardashian marathon…oh, wait, there’s always something up with Jerry [Jones]...or [Daniel] Snyder...got my new motivation. I’m outta here!”
With the mention of the K*********s and/or the two worst owners in the NFC East, we bid you adieu, and we will see you at mini-camp.