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Totally Not Fake News: The Off-Season Dead Zone...Now What?

What exactly will Texans fans read about in this Dead Zone of the NFL Off-season?

Maybe the coach has some thoughts on this?
Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

Houston – The long, hot summer of 2022 drags on. NFL training camps are still over a month away from opening, pre-season football is even longer in the future, and it is well over 2 months before there is NFL football for real. For the Houston Texans fan, with a team seemingly a long way off from competing for the Super Bowl, it can be a struggle to keep motivated to read-up and following the fortunes of their favorite team.

“Man, this is as dead an off-season as I have seen in years for this team.” Noted one fan. “It is so tough that I am eagerly scouring the Texans official webpage to read up on the latest PR moves. Been doom-scrolling Twitter, just looking for the next Easterby tweet to ratio. It is hard, hard, hard to find anything worth reading about the team.”

We at Totally Not Fake News understand the challenges that the standard acme Texans fan (however many of them are still left) face this off-season, especially when it comes to following your favorite team. For frame of reference, consider what the off-season headlines could have been for the team:

Cleveland Browns Introduce Quarterback Deshaun Watson Photo by Nick Cammett/Getty Images
  • The legal drama of the Deshaun Watson. Granted, the settlement of 20 of the cases reduce the legalese headlines, but then there is the drama and intrigue of just what the NFL will do with Watson. Will he be allowed to play this season? What will the suspension look like, if it happens? How will the appeal work? How will it be to watch him play for the home team? How many terabytes of data would be spilled debating that tale? Twitter trends and clicks would be through the NRG roof. Alas, that is for Cleveland to sort out…and they get the extra added drama of TWO Quarterback controversies!!! You thought it was all crazy with Hoyer vs. Mallet? Nope, the triple threat of Watson, Mayfield and the Cleveland Browns beats them all. Alas, the Texans fan will just have to see how the organization deals with being one of many defendants in the remaining lawsuits, with it likely that the team will settle to get out of the mess if it can.
  • The pending arrival of the next generation of JJ Watt. The updates on the status of the new Watt arrival. All of the speculation of how the favorite adopted son of Houston football will incorporate his off-spring into the life cycle of the city of Houston. The disgusting cute photos of the Watt family that will make you realize that you can never compare to that level of greatness…all of that is now reserved for Arizona.
SiriusXM At Super Bowl LVI - Thursday Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images for SiriusXM
  • More Hopkins drama: One of the top receivers in the league suspended for 6 games. Imagine how the Texans would manage without an All-Pro caliber WR. And to think they no longer have the consolation of David Johnson to soften the blow…alas, another Arizona problem.
Houston Texans v Miami Dolphins Photo by Michael Reaves/Getty Images
  • Cal McNair no longer the dumbest football exec in the league. Oh, he isn’t rated among the best, but when Dan Snyder isn’t busy trying to dodge congressional subpoenas related to major sexual harassment/assault allegation while apparently screwing other NFL owners out of money, he is sabotaging all efforts to get someone in DC/MD/VA to pay for a new stadium. It takes some real skill to be the most reviled executive figure inside the Beltway, but Snyder has some real talent for that. A boring McNair press conference and sense of being a puppet for Easterby (perhaps…still) just can’t compete with that.

That is a lot of potential football-y news denied the Texans fans. There are some options…maybe.

Los Angeles Lakers v Houston Rockets Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images
  • The pending Owens/Biles wedding. The closest thing the Texans have to a power couple, we don’t know when the lovebird athletes will tie the knot. However, it is not likely that we will get that sorta gossipy-lifestyle type news this summer.
Boston Celtics v Philadelphia 76ers Photo by David Dow/NBAE via Getty Images
  • Josh McCown watch: Yes, Lovie Smith is the head coach of the team, and the organization has not said anything about this being a “short-term hire”, but Lovie Smith is not a young man, and the last coach only lasted one season. Could that happen again? And if Smith is out quickly, will the team return to the “chosen one”? Will the “chosen one” actually do some real-type coaching thingies? Stay tuned.
  • Try to read up on all the new rookies and intriguing veteran signings. Figuring out if this team can somehow, someway, improve upon a 4-13 record, or stay the same. They couldn’t be worse, could they?
  • Or, maybe, just maybe, the Texans fan could try to enjoy the pleasures of summer. Trying to last longer than 30 minutes in 100+ degree heat and matching humidity. Searching for new and innovative ways to save money at the gas pump and/or the electric bill. Play the game of “will the grid last this week?” Spend time with the family and then figure out how to spend time away from the family…all sorts of things between now and the opening of training camp.

There are other possibilities. Maybe some Texans player will do something silly and make some headlines. Maybe one of the Bible Study debates will spill out over on social media, and we can get a social media war between player debating just what is meant by the 7 horns and 7 seals? Maybe someone new will take over John McClain’s beat for training camp and learn the virtues of wearing sunscreen, especially on the face?

Sunscreen can help...

Until then, we at Totally Not Fake News will continue to watch...and probably have some good streaming series on the side. Have you seen Kenobi, and the awesomeness that was the...oh, oh, sorry. Yes, uh, Texans...YES, TEXANS NEWS!!! We will keep vigilant watch...with plenty of coffee and Dr. Pepper in tow.