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Totally Not Fake News: Battle Red Helmets and How We Got There

You saw the final result, but just how did we get there?

Houston - This season, the NFL is allowing teams to wear alternate helmets, with the premise that it will allow teams to sell more over-priced merchandise to fill the coffers of a multi-billion dollar business…oh, wait, what? Oh, we meant to say that it will allow teams to demonstrate a different look for fans to watch as they cheer on their favorite teams on the field of play. So far, the reaction have been…ok. [That will get edited out, right? Right???]

“Hey, the idea is kinda cool. It can be fun to show off the different logos and designs. Don’t know if it will help us out, but that’s why we play the games,” noted Texans WR Brandin Cooks.

What Cooks referred to was the release of a new helmet design, which will be part of the Texans “Battle Red” uniform, now slated for the “Battle Red” home game against the Philadelphia Eagles on November 3rd.

“[Easterby], it can’t hurt us. Ain’t never beaten the Eagles since I’ve been here. Not sure I can recall if the city has ever beaten the Eagles in pro football…and I’ve seen a few things” grumbled veteran Jon Weeks. He was about to offer up some more sage wisdom about the helmets, but was interrupted by new offensive guard Kenyon Green, who once against asked Weeks what it was like to practice with Earl Campbell when the Campbell first played as a pro. Weeks told the “young whippersnapper” to “get the [Easterby] off of his lawn.”

Yet, the design of the helmet didn’t start out that way. There were quite a number of design concepts leading up to the call to just take a red helmet and slap a logo on to it.

“Oh, when the Texans started mulling the concept, you knew that it was just a matter of time before the all-powerful Executive Vice President of Football Operations was going to get involved” sighed one unnamed Texans staffer.

“When he heard about our plans, man, he jumped right in, offering at least 24 designs within the first 20 minutes of discussion” continued the staffer.

“Look, the wearing of the uniform is a big part of football operations, which I am the Grand Master/Overlord/Ayatollah. So, when I got word about the discussions of an alternate helmet, of course that is in my purview and therefore, my overall responsibility to resolve. This is all part of my job responsibilities, and has nothing to do with the fact that I have a LOT more time on my hands or that my previous responsibilities seem to be shifted over to other people” lectured the Executive Vice President of Football Operations Jack Easterby.

“So, once I saw my chance to regain my influence, er, help out the organization, I stepped in. So many divinely inspired ideas. Here is just a sampling:”

Ever wonder what an exec with a computer with Microsoft Paint and a lot of time on his hands can come up with? Well, you’re in luck...

“Hey, I have gigabytes of these things. Wanna see more?”

Our reporter politely declined, and once he left the office, immediately sprinted away.

Still, it didn’t quite answer our question about just how the Texans came to this decision about the helmet.

“Well, ok, we did take all of the designs, er, excuse me, the divinely ordained messages from the enlightened EVP of Football Operations. We were ordered to run them up to [Texans’ CEO] Cal [McNair]. He was busy, as usual. Still, we did manage to sneak a minute into his office. Anyway, he took a glance over at a few of the ideas. Not sure he was all that impressed. When we pressed him for a decision, especially since the uniform/helmet designers needed that information, he was really annoyed.

“[Easterby] it! Can’t you see that I am busy on this Fortnite Level!!! Oh, great, now you made me lose to those punks from Alvin! 5th graders!!!! And I thought I finally had them!!!! [Easterby]!!! Back to playing 2nd graders...and to the bottle to soothe the pain. Ok, now that you [Easterbyed] up my work, what do you have for me?”

“Well, we showed him the design concepts and logos. His response:”

“Who...who...whodesignedthosethings [belch]?? That’s gonna (hic)...that’s gonna (hic)...cost money. MONEY!!! We doin’ this for Battle Red Day, or whatever we call it? [Easterby] it! Just slap our logo on a red helmet and be done with it.”

“Never would have guessed, but Cal actually made a brilliant call. The best part, well, other than he forgot to fire us in the post-gamer hangover, is that we will make a lot of money from people buying these silly helmets. As if anyone not playing for the Texans that day would ever buy them. Still, people still spend money on this franchise. Who are we to stop them?”

We tried to reach back out to Jack Easterby, who informed us that we could submit the question through his new and improved website, but, er, there were some problems...

Until next time, it will bear watching to figure out just how many people will fork over the money for the new Battle Red helmets, and/or just how these uniforms will be the key to any potential Texans success against the Eagles.