Totally Not Fake News: A New Era Begins

Houston – There is excitement in the air as the Texans are about to embark on a new era of football. “[Easterby], it’s good to be back in pads and actually playing again” observed a Houston Texans player. We think it was likely a linebacker, as they seem to be a common player around here. Besides, it is the preseason, so who knows if this player will stick around long enough for anyone to care about them anyway.

At the time this goes to press, the Texans will have completed their first preseason game, this time under the eyes and beard of the fifth Head Coach in franchise history: Lovie Smith. We wondered if he felt any particular excitement or dread about the first preseason game, knowing that the team he inherits from the previous administration, which was so short, we have already forgotten what’s-his-name.

“Nah, it is just another preseason game. We are just going to go out, see the kids play some football, see who steps up in game situations, and who might still need a good deal of work.”

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Well, what did he think of the first team offense’s first couple of drives, especially the running game that struggled mightily.

“Unfortunate, but it is only the preseason. First action for those guys.”

When asked about the eye-opening performance of rookie RB Dameon Pierce. “The kid displayed some good running in a game situation. We are encouraged.”

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

The coach was in a similar vein when asked Jeff Driskel’s passing, the major spinning action of Johnny Johnson III and the last-second TD. “Yeah, it was all part of the first pre-season game. A few things to like and plenty to work on.”

Interestingly enough, other players had a much more…emotive view of the game.

“Man, did you see what Dameon did? I mean, holy [Easterby] [Easterby]!!! That guy was running up/down/left/right/sideways…making people miss and bowling them over. Crazy, crazy, crazy!!!! Why isn’t he starting?” coming from a player who did not want to be identified, but did wear the jersey number 31.

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

“Wow, did you see that stud of a man playing quarterback in that game??? Single-wing running, dual-labelled as a TE my [Easterby]! That guy was a Grade A Startin’ QB!!! You see that final drive? Exactly what we will all come to expect from the greatness that is number 6” also coming from an unidentified player who only offered his jersey number.

We at Totally Not Fake News did try to get a word with the rookie receiver Johnny Johnson, especially after he made the game-winning catch. Unfortunately, he kept spinning and spinning around, making us dizzy, and making impossible to get a word in edgewise.

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

“Oh, him? Yeah, don’t take it personal. The dude just spins everywhere he goes. Used to think it was to show off, but now, it appears to just be a function of how he is wired” observed Davis Mills as he looked over his playbook to scan the practice field.

While some of the players were thrilled about the game, we did wonder if Lovie [Smith] actually enjoyed the game.

“Smile? Lovie? Don’t recall seeing him do that here in Houston. There was a moment apparently during the game when some of us almost felt like he did crack a sort of Mona Lisa smirk. I have heard rumors that he once outright laughed while he was in Chicago, but can get anyone to verify that.” noted Long Snapper Jon Weeks.

“Mona Lisa? Didn’t you say you dated that girl?” snarked Texans safety Jalen Pitre, to which Weeks immediately responded by throwing his AARP card at Pitre’s head.

“Hey, come on man! He [Weeks] didn’t date Mona Lisa.” Chimed fellow rookie Kenyon Green “You gotta respect your elders better. Weeks chaperoned her to the balls. Kept all of them Renaissance boys off of her.” At which point, Weeks started to advance, wildly swinging his cane toward the rookies.

Photo by Eric VANDEVILLE/Gamma-Rapho via Getty Images

As for Texans leadership, they seemed ok with the result.

“Always great to get a win for the home team. Ya know, ever since I busted out my new culinary skills, we are undefeated” boasted Cal McNair. “Wanna burger?”

Our reporter politely declined, having just had dental work to replace four broken teeth from Cal’s last cookout.

houstonchronicle.com

“So far, we are keeping him outside for cooking. Still hasn’t quite got the hang of indoor cooking and that the smoke alarm is not a good indicator for when things are done. At least he is off the video games” noted an unnamed intern.

With that, we leave the first week of preseason, and turn our attention towards week two, as the Texans prepare to face off against the defending champion LA Rams. As that game and the preseason continue, keep tuned in to Totally Not Fake News, as we will provide all the latest and greatest, from the big plays, to Cal’s culinary education. We might even be able to report any actual emotion coming from Lovie Smith.