HOUSTON - With the start of NFL training camps, it is the start of full contact practices, as players work to get into game shape. Unfortunately, that will also mean a return of injuries. Upon an injury, there are multiple recourses. This can range from extra time in the trainer’s room to trips to the injured reserve/physically unable to perform list. Sometimes, there are non-football injuries that will keep a player off the field. Thus, the NFL has the Active/Non-Football Illness List.
For the Texans, they recently placed that designation on rookie WR John Metchie III. Metchie, trying to work his way back from a torn ACL, informed the world that his NFL debut was on hold, due to a diagnosis of APL (Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia). For anyone in the human race, getting that kind of diagnosis is life-altering. For a young man about to take his place among the small group of elite athletes in the NFL, going from nearly-divine athletic prowess to facing mortality, the shock can only be imagined.
Yet, the confidence and talent that got Metchie to the doorstep of the NFL should be a strong asset to his cancer fight. APL is seen as one of the most curable forms of leukemia, and his message to the public was upbeat and confident. The public response has also been positive. The prognosis is looking pretty good for Metchie, the Texans and the city of Houston.
One might wonder how anyone, or anything could have a negative take on this situation. Yet, we at Totally Not Fake News can actually confirm that yes, we actually have found someone who does not have a positive outlook. Well, rather, not so much a person as a thing/entity. It would appear that cancer itself is not in good spirits.
“You know” opined the so-called Emperor of All Maladies “I was kinda hopeful about the news with that Metchie guy. A young man, and a NFL athlete to boot. Thought it was gonna be a major propaganda coup. Unfortunately, my ‘people’ didn’t do their homework. When I asked for some more information about this Metchie guy, they quickly brought up his employer.”
“John Metchie III, played his college ball at Alabama, and a recent 2nd round draft pick of the Houston Texans.”
“THE HOUSTON TEXANS!!!! THE ^&%$*$#!! HOUSTON TEXANS?!?!?!? Of all the teams and places, we face them again!?!?!? Those people ALWAYS kick my ***!!! It is never a fair fight!!! Why them?!?!?”
While we are Totally Not Fake News don’t really care for all the woe-is-cancer lamentations, we did wonder why something like cancer would be frightened and scared of the Houston Texans. After all, the Texans are not exactly the most formidable of NFL franchises at this time. However, in doing some digging, we can see where cancer might be frightened to its molecular level when facing the Texans.
Maybe the Texans have never won a divisional playoff game, but they have sure schooled cancer when it came around the team.
Former Owner Bob McNair: While Mr. McNair did eventually succumb to illness in his eighties, he put cancer through the ringer. For over 20 years, cancer couldn’t take this businessman down. In the meantime, McNair and his family managed to set up multiple foundations contributing millions in the fight to fell cancer. While there are various opinions about the man, few could find fault in McNair’s efforts to thwart cancer, making its existence a brutal slog.
David Quessenberry: Also a draft pick of the Texans, his young career as a NFL offensive linemen appeared derailed when he received a cancer diagnosis (Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma). Unfortunately, he would not return to the field quickly, losing multiple seasons to recovery. However, he would not only return to the field, he would also find his way into a starting offensive lineman position in 2017. He would move on to play for Tennessee and Buffalo, but he earned his biggest victory crushing cancer in Houston.
Andre Hal: One of many who attempted to hold down the revolving door at safety for the Texans, Hal had to see his time on the field curtailed when cancer struck (Hodgkin’s Lymphoma). Yet, like his counterpart Quessenberry, Hal also took his turn at slapping down cancer. Upon finishing the knockout blow in time for the 2018 season, Hal returned to the field, helping the Texans to another division title. He retired after that season, but on his own terms, not cancer’s.
Leah Still: The daughter of former Texans defensive lineman Devon Still, Leah captured the hearts of millions of NFL fans as she fought a cancer diagnosis (Stage 4 neuroblastoma). While Leah’s diagnosis was found when Devon was a member of the Bengals and the majority of the treatment was completed prior to Still’s signing with the Texans in 2016, Leah continued to keep cancer at bay while her dad plied his trade in Houston. At the time of this article, Leah and family are doing well, still beating up on cancer.
Upon reminder of these past defeats, cancer tried to spin it “Hey, it’s Houston, the city of cheaters. They cheat at sports, and they cheat at medicine. Not fair! Hey…hey, they are on drugs! All of these people you mentioned, they were doping. Drug use…not fair. MD Anderson, they are like the BALCO of medicine here. We should investigate them…”
Our intrepid reporter immediately countered “uh, that’s called chemotherapy, you [garbled transcript]”
“What was that?” cancer exclaimed.
“You heard me…”
Cancer was all big on trying to bow up, but when our reporter threatened some quick radiation treatment, cancer retreated…well, kinda like a [expletive deleted]. Speaking of which, the Houston Texans recently revealed a new ad campaign. While we at Totally Not Fake News generally attempt to maintain some degree of objectivity, we are partial to this one.
When we at Totally Not Fake News attempted to get a reaction to the latest Texans ad campaign, cancer did not offer any comments, but rather ran away as fast as possible, screaming and crying. It called the Texans the worst franchise in Houston, and was looking forward to lording the success of the Astros over it…at least until the Astros decided to bring Trey Mancini in right before the deadline.
While we at Totally Not Fake News strive for objectivity in our reporting (which is why you, our loyal readers, make us the number one source of news), we will set that aside to relay the following message to John Metchie III. We hope that you will continue the real winning tradition of the Texans by taking cancer back behind the woodshed, pound it until it cries for mercy, and then beat it down some more. Then, fully healed and healthy, come back on to the field to continue your NFL dreams. Given all of the resources of the Texans, and with the power that is MD Anderson, we at Totally Not Fake News are completely confident in calling for you to join the beat-the-[expletive-deleted] out of cancer club.
[Ed Note: To continue to annihilate cancer, please consider making contributions to the following:]