Totally Not Fake News: The Texans And The Fallout From History

HOUSTON - Typically, the rhythm of the NFL regular season, especially the early part of the week, will depend on the result from the previous game. With a win, a team may not have to appear en masse until Wednesday. A loss, and the squad will be back in, also en masse, ready to go Monday morning.

However, the Texans found themselves facing uncharted waters this week, and not just because it is a new season/regime. After the result from Sunday’s clash with the Colts, the Texans find themselves unbeaten. They also find themselves un-victorious. They survived a 20-20 tie. While they rest atop the division this week, there was some confusion about the next step.

“So, are we like, having to go in Monday, or is it Tuesday, or do we get the full off time to Wednesday? When do we all have to show up” one unnamed player.

“Hey, I have some, like, team performance bonuses in my contract. Does this tie, like, help me get my money, or am I gonna get screwed?” another player lamented.

“Not sure what to do here. Do I go with my sad gas mask, since we didn’t win, or do I bust out the celebratory one since we didn’t lose?” noted an unnamed offensive lineman.

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

“Oh, wait, I know” chimed in rookie Thomas Booker. “Why don’t we talk to Mr. Weeks. Wasn’t he around the last time that a team in Houston tied a game?”

“Kid, that was way back in 1971, when the Houston team tied New Orleans 13-13. Been a while.” retorted Jon Weeks.

“Yeah, back then, the Houston pro team was in the AFL” quipped fellow rookie Austin Deculus. “So tell us, what was it like in the AFL? I heard y’all had some wild, wild times on and off the field. Something about you driving Joe Namath in car with a bunch of chicks in go-go attire…”

“No, no, don’t disrespect the old man that way!” Booker immediately chimed in. “You know good and well that the merger was in 1970. Houston was in the NFL by then. Hey, I read that Dan Pastorini was the punter for that game. He played QB too. What was it like snapping punts to him, Mr. Weeks?”

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It was at this point that Jon Weeks sprung as rapidly as a man at his age could from his locker room rocking chair and vigorously swung his cane at the impudent rookies, who had long since departed the area.

Some of the coaches were also confused.

“I don’t know what to do? Since we didn’t secure the win, the players clearly sucked [Easterby] on the field, so that would be worthy of tearing them all new [Easterbys]. Yet, we also didn’t lose, so just how harsh can you really be on the guys? We blew the lead, so they need to be run into the ground, but they held off the Colts from the win, so that shows resiliency. I ain’t got any more motivational arrows here” opined one unnamed coach.

“Our coaches not sure about what to do in pressure situations or how to manage the talent? There’s a switch.” muttered Dameon Pierce under his breath, all while still fleeing the hit radius of the Weeks cane.

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

As for the top executives, the responses were mixed. Several staffers reported a flurry of activity Sunday evening from Nick Caserio’s office.

“Apparently, he was in quite a stir, trying to process the Sunday result. Spent a lot of time tearing his office apart looking for some sort of report/files from his previous employer that might offer a road-map on how the squad should process the tie. It got crazy. You could overhear him shouting as he ransacked his office. It was all…’Where is it? Where is it? Here it is…’How to break the encryption codes for your opponents’ Coach-to-QB headsets’….no, no…wait, here we go…’50 ways to tell off the media, or just repeat one statement 50 times…’, no, wait is this it…’How to untangle yourself from legal troubles as a result of actions with a massageNOPE, DEFINITELY NOT THAT ONE!!!!

[EASTERBY] it to [EASTERBY]! I spent nearly 15 years with an organization that dedicated brainpower on how to deal with a free kick, cold weather games, a 3rd and 8 at your own 41.5 yard line, with 1:05 left in the 4th, down 2, with your opponent wearing orange jerseys, with 45% moon illumination and facing a 15 mph wind out of the ENE; but nothing about dealing with a [EASTERBY] [EASTERBY] tie! KKKKKKKRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAFFFFFTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Others at the highest levels of the Texans organization took a more…positive attitude.

“Once again, the most holy and divine Texans, perhaps inspired by the well-intentioned and well-compensated lungs of the humble Easterby, er, I mean by the blessings of the Most High, put forth a spirited effort, and find themselves sitting upon their rightful place, at the hand of the Father, and atop the AFC South. 2 straight opening days games which we did not fall to defeat. Clearly, the purging of the Philistines of the Gospel of the Smart, Tough, Dependable did much to inspire this team,” exclaimed a jubilant and overactively-attention-seeking Executive Vice President of Football Operations. “Isn’t that right, Lovie?”

“Shut up, Jack.”

When we asked Coach Smith about how he felt his debut went, he was non-committal. “The team played ok. Thought the tie was the best of a tough situation. The kids will be fine.”

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

“See, a hire that doesn’t lose his season opener. Not like the False Prophet, or whoever that one coach was that lost his debut. What was that loser’s name.”

“Jack…”

“Yes?”

“Shut up”

As the Texans continue to sort through the ramifications of this historic result, we at Totally Not Fake News will continue to monitor the progress of the team, especially as they prepare for the Denver Broncos. Until then, readers.