Totally Not Fake News: The Texans...Comin’ Down from a Mile High

HOUSTON – After the historic result from Week 1, the Texans looked to build on their success. Unfortunately, they did not find the desired glory, as the squad left Denver on the short end of a 16-9 defensive slugfest. Generally, the attitude of a team is not as great after a loss as opposed to win, or I guess we now have to account for the attitudes related to a tie. “Losing sucks” was a common refrain from the various Texans players our reporters interviewed, usually followed up by these type of responses:

• “We have a lot to work on.”
• “It’s a long season.”
• “We’ll bounce back.”
• “Hey, who the [Easterby] are you?”
• “Why are you trying to tape an interview while I’m in the shower?”
• “If you don’t get the [Easterby] out of here, I will beat the [Easterby] out of you!”

While the players might have been downcast, or for some reason, incredibly irate, others within the Texans organization took a different approach. Many in administrative positions seemed more positive, especially after plied with excessive amount of drinks.

“This is a young team. Dey-ish gonna make-ish mistakers. Then, they gonna…they gonna….theygonnajoinusintakingallofCal’smoney.”

Our reporters didn’t get much more than that from the staffers, but they did submit a lot of dry cleaning bills for our expense department to resolve.

“Yes, this is generally a younger team than what we usually put out on the field. Ok, we have a lot of older guys that really just suck, but still, this group just doesn’t quite know how to win. So, it is on us, the experienced members of the staff to help point out the positive things that we can build on as a team as we move forward” noted Lovie Smith. “Here are a few things we pointed out to help their confidence:

• Only giving up 10 4^th Quarter points as opposed to 17. A full touchdown better.
• Holding our opponents to only 16 points. A four point improvement from last game
• Did not give up a game-altering strip-sack
• Did not squander great field position twice late in the game.
• Only blew one red zone trip.

You see, we improved, and we did this all on the road. In a place that is historically one of the toughest places to play. In fact, our play was so intense and tough, and we threw off our opponents so much that we got the home crowd to turn on the home team…EVEN WHILE THE HOME TEAM HAD THE LEAD.”

“It is good to see some of the young players growing up. Stingley got worked over a little by Wilson, but the kid hung in there and made some plays. Pierce is learning the game more. Pitre is evolving. Some of the other players are coming through as well. Most of our players are improving. [Easterby], Mills hasn’t thrown an interception this year…so that is something” noted Texans GM Nick Caserio.

We tried to follow up a bit more with that last comment about Mills, but Caserio seemed a bit distracted. We noticed his talons scrolling through some interesting social media accounts. Our reporter followed up, and Caserio noted “Oh, nothing of significance. Just checking out the social media accounts of some possible future players. Just this one guy, and this other dude, and some other fellow. Nothing to see here. No reason at all why I would do this, but professional curiosity.”

Photo by Ben Jackson/Getty Images

Further discussions with coaches indicated that the team would try to get Dameon Pierce move involved in the offense. Pierce had his own reactions “15 carries, huh? For 69 yards? Let’s see here. Look, I know that I went to Florida, but I still remember from high school how to do the maths, so I calculate that to be a 4.6 yards per carry average. In a game where you realistically have 4 downs to make 10 yards, handing the ball off to a quick, violent runner who can get 4-5 yards a pop...that would lend itself to good things, no?”

“Speak for yourself, Gator Bait.” chirped quarterback/tight end/special teams gunner/team sous chief Jeff Driskel. “You go on about your ‘4.6 yards per carry’ average like that is something to be proud of or whatever. I, on the other hand, had a humble rush average of TEN yards per carry in that game, all in one carry, which means that if they gave me just as many carries as they gave you...I’d had...wait, I once knew this...we, it would be more than you got. Quit laughing! I still remember when I played school at Florida, but I may have forgotten the numbery-type-stuff. Still, I know I runned gooder than you. So if the Texans want to win on the ground, I need to be the main runner-dude on the team!!!”

Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images

Regardless of which former Florida player gets to be the primary ball carrier, or can best overcome the handicap of that Gator education, the team will continue to try to emphasize the running game. “We can run the ball. In fact, we might actually be able to put up a point or two in the 4th quarter by the end of the season” noted offensive coordinator Pep Hamilton. “It’s all about building blocks.”

Regardless of how the running game goes, or if Driskel will ever remember how to add/multiply, or if the staffers can avoid ruining any more reporter suits, the Texans will try to put all of their new lessons observed against the Chicago Bears in an attempt to make the observations turn into actual lessons learned. Will they actually do it? Stay tuned.