HOUSTON – After its second consecutive one-score loss, and the team’s third straight non-winning performance of the 2022 season, the Texans’ organization was one in search of answers. “Not sure what exactly happened in Chicago. I usually have a lot of success at Soldier Field, but I guess there were always times when I might have a slip up or two, but that was unfortunate this past Sunday. I mean, I went to the Super Bowl with an inconsistent quarterback from Florida, so maybe I have some coaching skills” opined Lovie Smith.
“Yeah, and did you notice that when you deactivated the one inconsistent Florida quarterback who has the highest average yards per rush on the team, you LOST that game?” A scathing retort came from back-up quarterback Jeff Driskel. “You could have me, right there, leading the team to victory over the Bears, but oh no, no, you thought to give that Kyle Allen guy my spot on the roster. Hey, can you tell me again, how many yards did ol’ Kyle rush for ya? Did he get a pass in for ya? Did he…did he actually show he could add double digit numbers together? That must have been it, ‘cause I don’t think he could do what I do…”
The backup quarterback continued to harangue Coach Smith, at least until one of the staffers calmly handed Lovie a large object, to which Lovie calmly grasped in both hands, took a deep breath, and swinging with the ferocity of Jose Altuve unleashing a shut-the-[Easterby]-up homer to silence a road crowd, blasted Jeff Driskel across the face, sending the uber-athlete 5 yards down the field. “So, anyway, back to the discussion about the game.”
“Yes, we didn’t quite get the result that we wanted. Had our chances, but the team just didn’t get it done.”
When asked why he felt that was the case, Coach Smith paused, then went on: “As I see, I think there are four parts of the game we need to fix, especially in the 4th quarter:
- First is better offensive play;
- Second, we just need to get stronger on defense, especially against the run;
- Finally, we just have to coach better to put our players in the best position to make those critical plays.”
After a pause, our reporter asked “And the last part?”
“You know, what was the last thing that you think the team needs to work on?”
“Oh, I thought I said that it was that we just have to coach better to put our players in the best position to make those critical plays.”
“You did, but by my count, that was the thir…”
Our reporter didn’t get a chance to follow up as Coach Smith had to move on to coach the defense, or so he said. At this point, our reporter could see Jeff Driskel starting to rouse from the ground.
We attempted to get further words from the rest of the team, but most of the takes were pretty similar to Coach Smith.
[We interrupt this report for a breaking story: Aaron Judge has not, repeat, has not, yet hit another home since the start of this report. We will keep you posted as to when that might occur.]
“Gotta play the full 60 minutes of football. Just like you gotta cook 60 minute chicken stock for the full 60 minutes to get the flavor and avoid food poisoning” said Tytus Howard. “All about the precise timing. Oh, speaking of which…” he bustled out of the room towards the facility kitchen, as an alarm went off on his watch and he had to check on said stock. “Stock. Is. Done!” exclaimed Howard. This is what the timer showed:
After constantly seeing all of these strange instances, our reporter decided he needed a drink. However, the vending machine only took coins, so off to the facility change machine. Our guy put a dollar in, only to receive this...
At this point, he was alarmed.
[We interrupt this story for yet more breaking news…Aaron Judge has yet to hit a home run since our last breaking alert. We will continue to keep you posted ]
So he went to ask Nick Caserio what was going on. When Nick looked away from his screen, as he was apparently watching a few TikTok videos, seemed surprised at our consternation. “Hey, it is all about the building process. All about goal-achieving. If you look at it, we are a solid team for at least 75% of all of our games. 75. That is a passing grade in most academic departments across the nation. We feel that we are there.”
Our guy just had to retort “Aren’t you the least bit worried that perhaps the team is not quite meeting the real standard?”
“Doesn’t matter, whatever your name is. A “C” is good enough for this team. Ok…well, you might actually be on to something. I am a little worried about overconfidence. We do play the San Diego, er, mother[Easterby], I did it again…the Los Angeles Chargers. Smoked them real good last year. Some guys are getting a little too cocky. Had to take a page out of Imperial Rome’s book just to keep Rex Burkhead grounded.”
That would probably explain reports of why some bald Executive Vice President of Football Operations was shadowing Burkhead and Davis Mills all week, whispering into their ears “Remember thou art mortal. Remember thou art mortal. Remember thou art mortal.” Or at least he did, until both players used their team issued Bibles...
[We interrupt this new report for yet another breaking bulletin…Aaron Judge has gone an entire couple of paragraphs without hitting a home run. Our New York offices are declaring a state of emergency. Details to follow.]
It remains to be seen if the Texans will be able to bounce back from the defeat in Chicago. Certainly there is confidence for the squad as they look for the 1st win of the season and 2nd straight win over the Chargers, whatever California city they call home. We will see if Burkhead and Mills can maintain their humility, if Coach Smith can reveal the final point and if Jeff Driskel can clear the concussion protocol in time for the game. Until then...
[We once against interrupt this report for breaking news. A major storm is causing massive damage to the Eastern Seaboard. The threat of nuclear war increases in Europe…AND AARON JUDGE HAS STILL NOT HIT A HOME RUN THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF THIS REPORT!!!! WE ADVISE ALL READERS TO TUNE IN TO THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM. TOGETHER, WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS CRISIS, THAT WITH FAITH IN LOCAL AUTHORITIES AND EMERGENCY RESPONSE PERSONNEL, WE WILL SEE AARON JUDGE HIT A HOME RUN ONCE AGAIN!!!]