HAIR OF THE DOG WEEK 17: Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans

A Happy New Year to all of you! Hope your New Year/Holiday celebrations went well. Perhaps for the Texans, they went too well. All that celebrating of a rare win plus an extra day off must have thrown this team’s fighting spirit off-track, or they were suffering some historic hangovers. On Fan Appreciation Day, Houston proceeded to treat those select few masochists who willing cheer for this squad to their worst overall performance of the season, allowing the surging Jacksonville Jaguars to annihilate them 31-3. This game got so bad, that the Jags pulled Lawrence and most of the starters after midway through the third quarter. A move that you generally only see when a major college powerhouse is squashing their buy-a-win victims.

At this point, the main drama associated with the 2022 Texans is where they end up in the draft. Houston still has the inside track for the first pick in the draft. However, due to that pesky tie against Indianapolis, they are only a .5 game “ahead” of Chicago. Chicago “owns” the tiebreaker by virtue of their earlier season win over Houston. A Texans loss or a Bears win next week clinches it for Houston. However, a Houston win and a Bears loss gives it to Chicago. (Houston would only have 13 losses to Chicago’s 14). I am sure that there are some fun tie permutations, but we won’t calculate those now.

All that to say, it will be a strange week next week. However, until then, for those few Texans fans that did not resolve to reduce pain and suffering in their lives, or for those Jacksonville fans who wish to schadenfreude scroll the misery of Texans’ fan, we present the real-time reactions of the Battle Red Blog masthead to this latest Texans’ contest. All question language has been replaced with [KITTEN], to accommodate those resolving to reduce viewing questionable content on electronic devices.

With that, on to the 1st ‘Dog of 2023 (but the 16th iteration of the 2022 season):

vballretired

The game today is unofficially being brought to you by Bartesian. When you have the worst record in the NFL and most your fans want you to lose there is Bartesian. It mixes up to 50 different cocktails flawlessly. Watch the Texans. Get snockered. We at BRB remind you never drive or use power tools while enjoying Bartesian.

[Ed Note: Bartesian…we are always open to a good business/endorsement deal. We certainly can use a product of this nature in our continued real-time analysis Texans games]

Patrick

Happy new year gentlemen

So is Lovie gone, y’all think?

FIRST QUARTER TEXANS POSSESSION

vballretired

Hope so

Patrick

Driskel in.

Never mind, thought I saw him.

That was an unmistakable Mills-to-Turf completion.

Bloody hell, they’re driving.

They have the Bears game right next to the Texans game. So my anxiety can multiply on an exponential level instead of an arithmetic level.

So much for driving.

TURNOVER ON DOWNS JAGUARS POSSESSION

Patrick

Bears score first.

Lawrence threw an absolute dart there.

vballretired

Man if the Bears could win…..

Patrick

They’re playing the Lions so it’s not inconceivable.

vballretired

My alma mater won a game where they surrendered 39 second half points. Nothing is inconceivable

Kenneth L.

Yawn.

But it appears we are doing the thing

Patrick

We will continue doing the thing until we stop doing the thing, which will be probably next week.

vballretired

Following games on spotty internet is not fun

Patrick

Tell me about it.

TEXANS POSSESSION

Patrick

[DURGA]damn Mills, even for you that was [KITTEN].

vballretired

From a safe distance away I’ll say two things all of us know. First, our lives are easier if we lose this game. Second, next week might be the worst game any of us has seen in our lifetimes.

Patrick

::rubs hands together:: I can’t wait.

JAGUARS POSSESSION

Patrick

Damn that went fast.

vballretired

We are about to go into an unnamed cave and I’m quite sure that’s a metaphor for something

Patrick

Better a metaphor than an allegory, I guess.

Lions tied up the game.

vballretired

Damn Greeks

And damn Lions

Patrick

Thank you for going along with me on this massive stretch of a joke.

vballretired

It’s why we are here

corydlg

You know what I find interesting? The broncos have the worst scoring offense in the NFL but somehow we’re worst in the league on 3rd downs

Patrick

What do y’all think Davis Mills is watching on that tablet? Wrong answers only, please.

corydlg

The game

vballretired

SpongeBob

Patrick

It’s that ol’ bend don’t break defense or something, they’ll give up a ton of third downs but manage to not [KITTEN] up just enough to not give up points...sometimes.

vballretired

Can you imagine watching every QB yesterday and then watching Mills and then thinking “yup, there’s our guy”

corydlg

Awesome missed tackle by Pitre

corydlg

Both of those games were way better than Texans football

Patrick

Here’s a fun exercise: imagine after every Davis Mills pass, you follow up by saying “but he means well.”

TEXANS POSSESSION

vballretired

I’m assuming the Denver thing is some sort of statistical anomaly or Russell Wilson decomposing before our very eyes. It’s one of those two.

Patrick

Lulz, speaking of teams snaking draft picks from a team that thought they’d be waaaaaay better than they are.

FG Bears.

vballretired

It will be interesting to see whether Name Redacted 2.0 or Wilson has the worst contract going forward

corydlg

If this was truly the death spiral of Wilson’s qb game, can you think of a faster decline?

vballretired

Yup. He wore number 8 here as a matter of fact

corydlg

So Watson, Wilson and Murray all have team crushing contracts

Proving there is something worse than having a bad QB

Patrick

His decline makes me wonder if Pete Carroll knew what he had with Wilson and built the team to compensate for Wilson’s shortcomings (ha!) in Seattle.

corydlg

Is that schaub?

vballretired

Yup

Patrick

Oh yeah, Schaub was an unraveling for the ages.

Oh bull[KITTEN], the receiver’s foot was on the end zone line.

corydlg

Lot of injuries in that mix though. The Wilson thing is intriguing because there’s no real tell coming into this season

Patrick

Never mind, just saw the replay. That was stupid, Lovie.

vballretired

It’s funny when you watched both there were always flashes of competence but interspersed with just really kitteny moments

Patrick

Kind of a ticky-tack foul there but okay.

corydlg

Yeah that’s textbook though, if the arm is pinned down it should be automatic

I was surprised that the Michigan game ended without that targeting penalty being called

vballretired

I’m assuming holding of some sort

Patrick

Right but he wasn’t going to catch that ball without a rocket up his [KITTEN] and holding a net.

It would’ve been the most NCAA thing ever if they did call it there.

vballretired

Mills inaccurate? Nah

Patrick

And honestly, I thought they were going to try to move heaven and Earth to get an OSU/Michigan championship game.

JAGUARS POSSESSION

corydlg

Lol that was in my thinking too

vballretired

Yeah, did y’all know McCarthy has a girlfriend?

Patrick

Which McCarthy? Mike McCarthy?

vballretired

The Michigan QB

corydlg

I bet she’s hot

vballretired

They only showed her 20 times

Patrick

Did they pull a Musberger during the game? I didn’t get to watch the whole thing, I had to deal with a burst pipe in my storage unit.

vballretired

Oh yes, it was an 11 on the creepy scale

corydlg

We had kids at our New Years so we missed some things

vballretired

Plus they slobbered all over themselves about how great a second half team Michigan was

corydlg

Well they were way better in half 2

vballretired

Sure

Patrick

Do I sense a bit of bitterness from a TCU alum about the second half of that game?

vballretired

You just might

corydlg

Lolol

Patrick

I’m rooting for them to win it all, though.

Gives hope to all of us alums of formerly mid-major schools.

vballretired

It’s a pet peeve. The best move for commentators is to let whatever narrative play out instead of forcing one

corydlg

Georgia looks really good honestly

Patrick

That’s why I was watching the skycast version of the game. No announcers, just the skycam view and the stadium PA.

vballretired

They did the same with Astros and Phillies

Kenneth L.

[DURGA] [KITTEN] carson wentz throwing interceptions

vballretired

I fully expect a Georgia beat down but you can’t force that narrative

Patrick

Better him than Justin Fields right now.

vballretired

Anything actually happening in this game?

Patrick

I think that’s a matter of some interpretation.

TEXANS POSSESSION

SECOND QUARTER (TEXANS ONLY TRAILING JAGUARS 7-0)

Kenneth L.

[DURGA] im rooting for the jags so hard hahaha

christian harris almost picked that off

Patrick

He has really turned it up lately.

vballretired

Is 1.5 yards per attempt bad?

Patrick

Again, I think that’s a matter of interpretation.

[KITTEN], TD Lions.

Lions lead 14-10.

Kenneth L.

uggh

as much as i want the lions in the playoffs i want the first overall pick

Patrick

Y’all remember the last three-four weeks or so the Texans almost looked interesting?

It’s nice to see them roll back into form.

vballretired

I’m flying blind here

Patrick

Davis Mills just threw a ball so hard that the guy who would’ve picked it off couldn’t hang on to it!

LOL.

vballretired

Hey arm strength

Anyone get the feeling that one more Jacktown TD will end it?

Patrick

Not yet. I still have the last three games fresh in my head that makes me think they can fall [KITTEN] backwards back into this game.

Never mind.

JAGUARS TOUCHDOWN. JAGUARS LEAD 14-0.

vballretired

This is more reminiscent of the first Titans game or the Giants game

Patrick

My literal reaction as I watched [the run] happen: [K-K-K-K-K-I-I-I-I-I-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-E-E-E-E-E-E-N-N-N-N-N]

WHAT. THE. [KITTEN]. IS. THIS. MOVIE?

80 for Brady?! I’ll sue!

vballretired

Huh?

Patrick

They just ran an ad for a movie called 80 For Brady and I have no idea what I just saw.

TEXANS POSSESSION

Patrick

I have a feeling you’ll be seeing an ad for it soon.

And you’ll be as confused and horrified as I am.

JAGS TOUCHDOWN, JAGS LEAD 21-0.

Patrick

Although I would bet that gets overturned as a forward pass.

Or not.

Kenneth L.

idk what just happened

that will be close

hahahaha lets goooooooo

this is going very, very welll muahahaha

TEXANS POSSESSION

Sigh...

Wow, [KITTEN], they’re going for it.

And it went about as you’d expect.

TURNOVER ON DOWNS, JAGUARS POSSESSION

[Ed Note: Nothing Significant to Report (NSTR) from the Glitter Kitties, still basking in the Texans’ derpitude]

TEXANS POSSESSION

[Ed Note: Like much of the offense, NSTR on this possession]

JAGUARS POSSESSION

Okoronkwo with a sack!

HALFTIME: JACKSONVILLE 21 – HOUSTON 0…SO APPROPRIATE A GAME FOR FAN APPRECIATION DAY

THIRD QUARTER

Patrick

Lions up 31-10. I don’t think we can count on the Bears to come back from this.

[Ed Note: Can you sense a theme about how un-exhilarating this game was that the Masthead was more animated about another un-exhilarating game. Likely something to do with the Texans positioning themselves to overdraft Will Levis]

corydlg

Lol it’s so hard to watch

Kenneth L.

The game has been bland

Agreed

Patrick

Perfectly understandable.

Kenneth L.

And the browns and winning

Patrick

[KITTEN], the only thing going our way is the Texans game and we’re losing.

JAGUARS TOUCHDOWN. JAGUARS LEAD 28-0.

TEXANS POSSESSION

Patrick

This game is a toast-flavored cracker.

Kenneth L.

Oh look our pro bowl tackle gets a holding call

Can we just waive the flag for the next two games?

Patrick

He makes so many boner penalties he should get a sponsorship from Trojan.

[Ed Note: Viagra is also a logical option here]

I wish.

Kenneth L.

More like Jim’s

Patrick

C’mon, go for it. Make me laugh.

Kenneth L.

Hims*

Patrick

Also good.

IT’S NOT A SHUTOUT! IT’S NOT A SHUTOUT!

KA’IMI FAIRBAIRN WITH THE 56-YARD FIELD GOAL. JAGS LEAD 28-3.

Kenneth L.

Let’s gooooo

JAGUARS POSSESSION

Patrick

They just pulled Lawrence.

vballretired

Sounds like it

Patrick

38-10 Lions. Yuck.

Kenneth L.

Did they bench Lawrence

Lmao

Patrick

They did.

l4blitzer

At least Houston is not relying on the Bears to help them out. Texans capable of clinching that #1 pick and Will Levis all by themselves

Patrick

Pitre!

vballretired

Durga we suck

Patrick

Yeah, but at least we’re aware of it.

Okay, MOST of us are aware of it.

PITRE PADDING THOSE INT STATS; HOU POSSESSION

Kenneth L.

Good for Pitre

END OF 3RD: GLITTER KITTIES 28 - HOUSTON OXEN 3

Patrick

Next week’s Colts/Texans game is going to be the worst game I’ve ever seen and I can’t friggin’ wait.

l4blitzer

If it ain’t going to be a 4-4 tie, I don’t want to watch

Patrick

Well...at least they went for it?

I got nothing.

l4blitzer

Mills…why? Just…why?

JAX POSSESSION (YEAH…GARBAGE TIME MILLS NOT MEETING STANDARDS)

Patrick

Mills why did you throw that or Mills why are you even here?

l4blitzer

Yes

JAX POSSESSION (THERE’s STILL 8 MINUTES OF THIS?)

Patrick

Wow, look at all those empty seats.

FG JAGS. JAGS LEAD 31-3.

l4blitzer

Jags: Oh, you kicking a FG to avoid a shutout, well, we gonna kick the FG to up the margin to 28 again [KITTENS]

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick

That throw was so ugly if it was a dog I’d shave its [KITTEN] and teach it to walk backwards.

l4blitzer

Even when Mills does something competent, the Oline drags him down with a holding penalty

JAX POSSESSION

TWO MIN WARNING

Patrick

Friggin’ finally.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

That was the dumbest pick ever.

l4blitzer

Booth Review, please stand by, please stand by, please by

Patrick

I’ll be damned, somehow that wasn’t an interception.

Personally, I think the ref was taking pity on the Texans.

l4blitzer

Robbed of entertainment…such a great way for the Texans to honor the fans on Fan Appreciation Day

Patrick

And that’s the ball game.

Kenneth L.

We the worst.

Let’s ride

Yuck for Young

Bust for Bryce

GAME OVER: JACKSONVILLE SNAPS THEIR 9-GAME LOSING STREAK TO HOUSTON; 31-3

l4blitzer

You know it’s all “Lose for Levis”

GAME BALLS: In a lethargic matchup like this, not a lot of real options. However, in the spirit of giving, since it is the Eighth Day of Christmas, we have a couple:

• S Jalen Pitre: Leading tackler for the Texans (again) and rounding up another INT on the year, his fifth. This puts him only one INT behind Dunta Robinson’s rookie record (six, 2004) and two behind Marcus Coleman’s franchise record (7, 2003). He will still miss a few tackles, but he showing up enough upside that he is earning that 2nd round pick
• LB Christian Harris: Since getting on the field and allowing the Texans to eject Kamu Grugier-Hill, the rookie has been using his speed to fly all over the field. Nearly came up with some key plays in the 1st half, when the game wasn’t quite a laugher. A full season of Harris healthy and with actual NFL experience...that will be worth watching.
• K Ka’imi Fairbairn: Perhaps the only Texans who really wanted to score. In the 1st half, when the Texans actually got to the red zone, and facing a 4th a 5 from the Jacksonville 10, Fairbairn, on instinct, but also figuring that it was as good a scoring opportunity as any, ran out on to the field unbidden. While he was told by the rest of the team to get back to the sideline, Fairbairn might have been on to something, as the pass to Burkhead on the subsequent play was incomplete. Hit a 56 yarder to avoid the shutout.

SHOULD BE FORCED BY LAW TO CLEAN UP THE NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY RESIDUALS ALONG WESTHEIMER:

• QB Davis Mills: Not his day. Couldn’t build on the solid 4th quarter in Nashville. Mills only solidified the thought that his time as a legitimate starter for the Texans is over. He was the starter for a squad that somehow, a first in franchise history, went an entire season without a home win. Even the expansion squad, as well as the nightmare 2005 and 2013 teams, logged at least a win at home. Instead, in the season that Mills got to prove he could be a franchise answer, the home field record ends at 0-7-1. Even in garbage time, Mills was off on big chunk-play throws to open receivers. Maybe he stays on as a bridge to the next guy, or just becomes the straight up backup, or is cut, but franchise cornerstone, he is not.
• LT Laremy Tunsil: Good news, he didn’t have his weekly false start. Instead, he got a drive-stalling holding penalty. If you want to be the highest paid tackle in the league, weekly dumb penalties ain’t helping the cause.
• Texans Coaching Staff: If this was the final home game for this staff, then the end can’t come soon enough. Yes, the team is not good, but they had a chance to play spoiler, and build on a rare win. Instead, it was the worst performance of the year, when the offense was beyond offensive, and the defense had its moments, but ultimately allowed a Jacksonville team that hadn’t won against the Texans in nearly 6 years to treat the Texans like a buy-a-win FCS team. If any of them return (save Special Teams Frank Ross), I will be a little surprised. Also, see the 0-7-1 home record. YYYYYUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!

With that, the 2022 season will end for Houston in Indianapolis. This is a game where most of the Texans fanbase will be actively rooting for a loss. The Colts are bad, but only the BO’B teams ever logged a win there. Wouldn’t it be the most Texans thing ever to not lose the game, but lose the #1 pick? Or for Houston to “win” the first overall pick, so that they draft...Will Levis? You might be thinking they will draft Bryce Young, or maybe take a flyer on CJ Stroud...but these are the 2020s Texans. Never presume that Houston will do the logical thing. Anyway, see those few that remain next Sunday at noon from Indy.