HAIR OF THE DOG WEEK 18: Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts

What can you say about this game? After a season of nearly unwatchable football, where the QB position was such a liability, the Texans manage to save the best for last. A game between two stumbling, bumbling teams that probably would have been better served as a double-forfeit to improve draft position and allow the players to get started on their off-season early somehow turns into arguably the game of the day. Mills nearly goes for 300 yards passing and completes his second fourth quarter comeback win in the last three weeks. Houston logs just its fourth win in Indy in 20 years and its first against the Colts overall since 2019.

Yet, the majority of Texans fans, at least those that still have any bandwidth to care, are NOT happy, as this comeback 32-31 win, coupled with Chicago’s listless 29-13 loss to playoff bound Minnesota, gave Chicago the first pick and moved the Texans to the second slot. One could wonder if George Orwell could summarize this game, for a Texans’ win was actually a Texans’ lost (related to the #1 overall pick). Maybe, maybe not. The #1 pick is not the gateway to a Super Bowl (see the Texans in 2002, 2006 and 2014). However, we will have plenty of time to argue that point, and many others.

With the 2022 season done, the real action for the Texans can begin. Does Lovie Smith and staff return? Are the Texans looking for a new GM? What will they do with the #2 pick? Could they still somehow end up with Bryce Young, CJ Stroud, Will Levis, or will they do something completely different? What about all the cap space they will actually have, combined with the draft picks and some of the promising new players? Fortunately, there will be plenty of off-season to answer all of those questions, and likely that drama will be more interesting than most of the Texans’ games.

While we gear up for the “real” games, we at the Battle Red Blog Masthead offer one last chance to see what we all thought in real-time of the final game of the Texans 2022 campaign. We had our takes, some of which were quite animated, and there was more than liberal usage of words that most might consider unsuitable for polite company. As always, said words were replaced by [KITTEN] in classic HOTD tradition.

With that, we commence the last ‘Dog of the 2022 season (but first Dog of calendar year 2023):

HAIR OF THE DOG WEEK 18: HOUSTON TEXANS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS...Where winning is losing, and losing is winning.

vballretired

Do you find yourself watching a game no one wants to win? Do you find yourself rooting for utter failure? We recommend Bartesian. It mixes up to 50 different cocktails flawlessly. There is no reason you should do this sober. As always we urge you not to drive or operate power tools while enjoying Bartesian.

l4blitzer

Bartesian...we’ve plugged you for at least the last 3rd of the season. Where’s our endorsement check that will make all of us fabulously wealthy?

vballretired

Or at least pay for a draft party bash?

Just an aside and I’ll say this publicly, I openly wonder how hard he lobbied to stay. He has to know the score. He’s not an idiot. He may be many things but he’s not an idiot. How hard does he really want to fight for this?

l4blitzer

I suspect there is a measure of pride involved (not wanting to be jettisoned like Culley when Smith is a far superior head coach), and possibly some benefit compensation involved (what would the severance package look like if he gets canned on Black Monday)

vballretired

I suspect he gets it all.

It’s not like he’s coaching anywhere else after this. He’s not a young man. A large part of him probably wants to ride off into whatever sunset there is left.

We joke around here all the time and I enjoy snark as much as anyone else, but the thought that your decision on Lovie hasn’t been made is frightening to me. It’s not even so much what that decision is but nothing that happens today has any meaning. Sure, Lovie puts on a good face and says we care about this game but does anyone really believe him or think it matters if he’s being completely truthful? This decision should have been made already. Sure, don’t announce until later today or tomorrow but if you are still conflicted then this organization is truly lost.

Patrick

Wait, the Bears are playing Nathan Peterman today? THAT’S NOT FAIR!

l4blitzer

...All ‘bout that tank, that tank, no winnin’,...all ‘bout that tank, no winnin’

vballretired

We have to activate Kyle Allen stat. Fight fire with fire.

Patrick

Release the Allen!

vballretired

Anyone know what Billy Jo Tolliver is doing these days?

Would starting Oliver Luck be too obvious? Maybe Dave Ragone would be more subtle.

l4blitzer

Well, Davis Mills is starting, so we are playing a strong tank hand here...

vballretired

Yeah, play it straight I guess

That’s the longest note in history.

l4blitzer

Or, we could just bust out Chris Chandler...couldn’t hurt.

vballretired

I’m so happy to be here to witness this with you guys.

l4blitzer

Was reading some other previews of the game and some actual analysts, for the 1st time that I can remember, picked this game a tie. I hope it is as stupid a tie as theoretically possible.

vballretired

Continuous clock?

We get the ball first. Yay!

Patrick

Showtime.

vballretired

[KITTEN]

It would be so Texans for people that won’t be here to decide this game.

1ST QUARTER: HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

We are driving. Of course.

l4blitzer

Uh, Texans...psst, Texans. Moving the ball this well is not usually how you lose games.

Patrick

“Patrick, you’re drinking and it’s only 10 am, are the Texans doing that badly?” Me, in tears: No, they got a touchdown on their opening drive.

vballretired

Lovie knows he’s gone. He doesn’t give a kitten

Touchdown to Cooks.

Patrick

Oh for [KITTEN]’s sake. STOP TRYING!

vballretired

Okay, let’s say Cooks catches ten balls and two TDS. Maybe some team gives up a second rounder.

DAVIS MILLS WITH THE 11 YARD TD TO BRANDIN COOKS; HOU 7 - IND 0; 11:17, 1ST

Patrick

A third maybe, I think he might be too old for a second.

vballretired

Either way, maybe that’s a positive from this fiasco.

l4blitzer

What is Cooks owed next season. $9M guaranteed? Might make it easier to move him this time

Patrick

Touchdown Vikings. Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

vballretired

Of course, we can’t win when we are trying to it shouldn’t be a shock that we can’t lose when we need to.

l4blitzer

Wha...wha...wha happened. The Vikes had a 2nd and 12 in their own territory at last check? Oh, right. The Bears have the Peterman.

He doesn’t play defense, but it doesn’t matter. The Peterman permeates all with dispair and defeat

Patrick

Our defense should be 11 guys constantly tripping on the turf.

vballretired

Fumble. Of course. The Colts are just better at this than us.

IND POSSESSION

Patrick

THE COLTS [KITTEN]ING FUMBLED THEIR OWN GUY!

THIS IS COLLUSION!

vballretired

Okay, that throw looks familiar

THE FIGHTIN’ SATURDAYS DO THEIR COACH PROUD BY FUMBLING THE KICKOFF RETURN. HOU POSSESSION AT THE PONY 18

vballretired

Okay, now we are getting in gear

l4blitzer

Busting out the galloping giraffe...not holding anything back here.

vballretired

10-0 good guys?

Patrick

I swear upon all that is holy they knocked the ball out of their own guy’s hands on purpose.

vballretired

The Colts are just running a masters class in sucking.

FAIRBARIN WITH THE 37 YARD FG: HOU 10 - IND 0, HOU FANS DESPONDENT; 9:40, 1ST

Carlos Flores

Texans are Texansing so hard right now

vballretired

We’ve been talking about it for weeks. They are actually practicing it and getting good at it.

l4blitzer

You knew it had to happen this way. You just knew it had to...

Patrick

Would it have killed Fairbairn to suddenly get confused about direction and try to kick the field goal through the opposing team’s uprights?

Just once?

vballretired

Soccer is under the bar, that would have been impressive

l4blitzer

How would you score that? I mean, it would be a 64 yarder, so impressive, but not record holding...hey, that’s why! Not a record derp. If not a record, Fairbairn ain’t doing it.

An own FG? I guess it is scored as 3 points...

Patrick

You’re telling me there’s a record for kicking through the opponent’s uprights? He’d be the only player in HISTORY to [KITTEN] up that bad.

vballretired

How about hitting a fan and spilling his beer?

l4blitzer

I was thinking more distance. 66 is the current record.

Patrick

Colts fan or Texans fan?

l4blitzer

Does it matter today?

IND POSSESSION

Patrick

Depends on which is funnier.

vballretired

Ok, this is clutch defense

Patrick

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that feels so much more comfortable now.

vballretired

If it’s while he’s drinking it’s a bonus

l4blitzer

Well, I guess we are gettin’ the Sharknado game...one where it is so bad, it is going to be good.

Patrick

Don’t you dare call that penalty right there!

I’ve been saying it all week, this could be the worst football game we’ve ever seen.

vballretired

Roll that clock

Patrick

That’s the defense I’ve been expecting, a poorly time offsides, thank you!

vballretired

Now that’s a clutch penalty….these guys are starting to figure this out.

l4blitzer

Pittman is in on the fix

Only for Collins to counter with his “fix”

Patrick

GO FOR IT YOU COWARDS!

vballretired

Anyone remember the King of the Hill episode where they let the kid with the torn ACL score?

l4blitzer

Our _efense is finding the range now.

vballretired

Oh good [DURGA]

l4blitzer

Vikings driving on Da Bears again

vballretired

We will have to do this ourselves

Clutch penalty again

Embrace the stupid

Patrick

Helmet to helmet?

vballretired

Unnecessary stupidity

Patrick

Unnecessary roughness against Houston, thank Durga.

I missed that one, VBall.

l4blitzer

Or...or...should that read “necessary” roughness, given the objective of today’s matchup?

vballretired

Touche’

Patrick

“Perfectly adequate roughness” against the defense.

vballretired

Nice touchdown Colts

Patrick

Whew.

vballretired

It’s on boys

l4blitzer

Or, is Caserio in the headset of the defense...”commit the penalties. Make the late hit...”

EHLINGER 1YD PASS TO PITTMAN; IND 7 - HOU 10; TEXANS PERCENTAGE TO LOSE THE #1 PICK DOWN TO 75.8%; 3:56, 1ST

vballretired

We need to respond with our own fumbled kickoff. Who do you nominate to collide with Tavierre Thomas?

l4blitzer

Davis Mills has been scrambling more this season. Time to unleash him on special teams

vballretired

Come on Smith. Return that.

Patrick

Make him the kicker? Sure, why not.

vballretired

Stagger Lee

l4blitzer

Vikings fumbled and Bears on the move

Patrick

Let Kyle Allen run off the sideline and have him collide with Thomas.

HOU POSSESION

Patrick

Lucas Oil Stadium is such an odd looking stadium, it’s not just me, right?

vballretired

Who was that guy in the Cotton Bowl that did that in like 1950?

Patrick

Wasn’t he an Aggie or something?

vballretired

May have been Rice

[KITTEN] Cooks is not playing along

Patrick

Maybe putting Brandin “I just want to win” Cooks in for the most important game of the tank wasn’t the brightest idea.

l4blitzer

Well, Cooks hasn’t been happy with the team. His way of paying the team back, no?

vballretired

Patrick hit it on the head

Patrick

That’s more like it

Much better.

I don’t blame him though, he’s gotta sell himself to whoever decides to sign him next.

vballretired

Count on Burkhead to know what to do

l4blitzer

Bears turn it over on downs. Vikes ball, up 6-0

IND POSSESION

vballretired

Eddie Cicotte couldn’t do better

l4blitzer

Coutee!!!! Should’ve run it back

Patrick

Coutee? Where?

vballretired

Punt returner for Indy

Patrick

Oh I totally missed that.

vballretired

90 yard TD run

Patrick

You were close.

vballretired

Well it still can be

If Ehlinger balls out I will agree to root for UT for one game next year (excluding TCU of course)

Patrick

If you root for UT against Houston next year, you’re fired.

vballretired

Point taken

END OF THE 1ST QUARTER: TEXANS 10 - COLTS 7; CHANCE TO CLINCH #2 PICK AT 74.7%

Patrick

I’m just kidding of course.

vballretired

Oh, I know. I am too

If we surrender 170 or more yards rushing the Texans will have surrendered the most rushing yards in my lifetime

Patrick

I believe in them.

vballretired

Harris looking good. [KITTEN] these rookies just don’t get it.

l4blitzer

The Christians with the sack

vballretired

Okay, we need one of those pick sixes

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Driskelcat

l4blitzer

Vikings inside the Bears’ 7

Patrick

BOO THESE MOTHER[KITTEN]ERS!

vballretired

Booing kittens won’t look right on the transcript [ED Note: Sometimes, but then sometimes kittens find away to destroy your furniture and holiday decorations, so there is that exception.]

[KITTEN] Cooks

Patrick

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

vballretired

Freeman with a clutch fumble. Thataboy Royce!,!!!

l4blitzer

On the other hand, what does this say about the Colts that they are playing like this against us? Indictment of Saturday, no?

FREEMAN WITH THE BIG FUMBLE; COLTS BALL AT THE IND 42

l4blitzer

Vikings up 13-0

vballretired

Ummm, I don’t know how to answer that.

We are now even on clutch fumbles

Kenneth L

I don’t like this

Patrick

MOTHER[KITTEN]ER, NO!

vballretired

Oh good [DURGA]. We just can’t compete on this level.

This is next level sucking

Patrick

Make the bad people stop!

vballretired

Greenard [KITTEN]

GREENARD WITH THE 39 YARD PICK SIX; HOU 17 - IND 7; TEXANS WITH OVER 85% CHANCE TO LOSE #1 PICK; 10:30; 2ND

vballretired

What does it say that we will be 3-2-1 against the South and 0-11 against everyone else?

IND POSSESSION

Kenneth L

this is inbelieveable

Patrick

That we have a sick sense of humor?

vballretired

Or Durga does

Patrick

It sounds like they might have benched Peterman.

vballretired

In favor of Mike Tomzack?

l4blitzer

Vikings back inside the Bears 10...again

Patrick

Beats me, I’m going off of Vikings Twitter.

vballretired

The kid from Necessary Roughness would be epic

l4blitzer

Welp, there is still a chance this will work for Houston...a chance

Kenneth L

As a diehard longhorn fan, I can say I’ve never rooted for Sam Elimgher harder

l4blitzer

16-0 Vikes

Kenneth L

Hahaha okay yay they picked it up

Patrick

boooooooooooooooooooo

Joe Critz

Texans are looking pretty good when the first overall pick is on the line haha

vballretired

Ugggg

[KITTEN] Ehlinger

Patrick

Maybe if we tell them next year that the first overall pick is on the line and they just need to lose to get it every week we might just go undefeated.

On a completely unrelated note: STOP THAT!

ONE OF THE CHRISTIAN LBS (KIRKSEY) WITH THE (unhelpful) INT; HOU POSSESSION AT HOU 20

Kenneth L

I’m going to scream

vballretired

You can talk about sucking or you can actually put in the work. Kudos to the Colts. They are performing on a completely different level.

This is like Baseball Southpark episode level of sucking.

Patrick

The Texans aren’t even that innovative at terrible football. This is depressing.

vballretired

No, Saturday is just a savant.

Kenneth L

This is a disaster

Patrick

This is like watching the Pro Bowl.

vballretired

I just had a feeling….

l4blitzer

Texans matriculating that ball down the field...and that is not quite so good news for once.

vballretired

You know Cal will do something stupid and use this as evidence to keep Lovie.

l4blitzer

and if Mills balls out like this...he gets another chance...at least in Cal’s mind.

TWO MINUTE WARNING

vballretired

Man that Pep Hamilton has something

Patrick

I mean y’all saw Cal at the game looking as disinterested in it as anything I’ve seen any toddler show disinterest in.

l4blitzer

Bears with a TD. 16-6 Vikes. Bears up to a 9.5% chance to squander the #1 overall pick

vballretired

Seems appropriate given the intellectual levels of the two involved

Patrick

Just saw the 2014 AFC Finalist banner and I suddenly feel better about being a Texans fan.

vballretired

No catch

Patrick

At least we don’t have an 2016 AFC Sixth Place Finalist banner hanging at NRG.

vballretired

Can we get a 2022 top five in AFC South banner?

l4blitzer

Just so long as the Texans don’t go with the “Champions of Life” banner, it will be fine.

Play under review...please stand by...please stand by...please stand by

Patrick

If they do that, I’m done. I don’t care if I do get paid to watch them.

Kenneth L

We we out here making toe tap catches I can’t do this anymore

vballretired

How many of these guys are 2023 Texans? Like they care about your tanking strategy?

Patrick

They have the Bills/Pats game on right next to the Texans and I keep getting confused and watching the Bills play and sadly realizing that my team is another screen away.

l4blitzer

Please stand by...please stand by...please stand by...oh, it is a completion...you can resume your swearing

Patrick

[KITTEN], Texans ball.

vballretired

Clutch block by Cann

They are wearing out their welcome with random precision.

l4blitzer

“The Texans can ill-afford to go backwards...” No Ware, today, they can very much afford to go backwards

IND POSSESSION

vballretired

They will need to up their suck game numerous notches

Patrick

Texans fans: We’d actually prefer it today if they did go backwards, Andre.

I think Watson got benched?

vballretired

The Colts have come to suck

Patrick

Like THAT Watson in Cleveland.

l4blitzer

:::maniacal laughter at that statement about Watson::

vballretired

A win does what for Cleveland?

Patrick

Worsens our second draft pick, but that’s about it.

vballretired

Ok, nice run defense

Patrick

Oh, Watson’s back in. Dang, I would’ve loved it if he got benched.

vballretired

Boy the Colts are just bad

Patrick

That either team has double digit points is an indictment of this game.

HALFTIME: HOU 17 - IND 7; HOU FAN RAGE LEVEL HIGH; BRYCE YOUNG RELIEF LEVEL HIGH; WILL LEVIS TO TEXANS PIPELINE CHANCES WAY UP

HALFTIME REACTIONS

Kenneth L

I’m going to cry

Patrick

I’m going to vomit

vballretired

Here’s my honest plea. Please someone tell Cal this is not impressive. The Colts are comically bad

How cosmically comical would it be to lose and trade up for number one when all you had to do was suck?

I meant win but I think everyone gets we are in upside down world

Patrick

This game is the upside-down so I think anything we say about wanting the Texans to suck should be put in THAT context.

vballretired

Let’s just say this. Everyone wants the Texans to play well. This isn’t playing well. It’s just playing less bad than they are.

l4blitzer

Of course the Texans would play in a way that would upset most of the fans. Normally beating the tar out of the Colts in their house is a good thing, especially to revel in the incompetence of Jeff Saturday, the worst possible coaching hire of any sports league this year. However, the loss of the #1 pick might sting. Granted, maybe the Texans get the player they most want/need. Chicago will be in good position if all results holds. For the players and coaches, ending the season with a win is a good thing. Just don’t expect a lot of fans to feel that way.

vballretired

Part of me is just angry at how much better the Bears have been at sucking.

l4blitzer

Only 16-6 at the half in Chicago. Min derped a FG at the end of the half with a Too-Many-Men on the field penalty

vballretired

Ultimately the Titans win will be the back breaker

l4blitzer

Go figure, the Texans season lasted longer than the Titans...nice

Kenneth L

Agreed. The bears are doing this well

3RD QUARTER: IND POSSESSION

vballretired

Our run defense coming up huge

l4blitzer

Apparently the Colts are not ready to surrender that #1 to Chicago yet.

vballretired

But clutch penalty for Indy

Patrick

That’s more like it.

vballretired

That was the worst coverage I’ve ever seen

Key drop there

Kenneth L

LETS RIDE

Patrick

Just. Run. The. Ball. Indy. That’s all you need to do run the [KITTEN] ball.

l4blitzer

But Saturday is coaching, so such logic is not well-ingrained

vballretired

Ehlinger is just next level awful

Offsides I think

l4blitzer

5-D Chess...Texans baiting the Ponies to go for the TD and increase the chances for clinching the #1 pick

vballretired

It’s tempting

Oh hell yes!

l4blitzer

Vikings back inside the Bears Red Zone again

vballretired

But the Ehlinger suck takes over

Patrick

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...

YOU JUST HAD TO RUN THE [KITTEN]ING BALL!

Kenneth L

This blows

vballretired

That’s if you’re really interested in winning though

TEXANS TRYING TO HELP THE COLTS OUT, BUT EHLINGER WITH THE INCOMPLETE PASS; HOU BALL AT THE HOU 3

vballretired

If you’re interested in kind of sort of looking like you kinda wanna win then you go with Ehlinger.

Kenneth L

This is [KITTEN]ing horrific

Someone will need to blur out my messages I’m sorry

Jeff Saturday is the worst coach of all time

l4blitzer

Winning is Losing; victory is defeat...are we sure the Texans aren’t the official football team of Oceana?

Patrick

Over David Culley?

vballretired

It’s a clinic in bad football. I mean it’s breathtaking as an artistic medium.

Patrick

It was a bright cold day in Indiana as the clocks all struck 13.

vballretired

The score stood but two to four with an inning left to play

Pittsburgh beating Cleveland

Patrick

I was quoting the first line from 1984, what were YOU doing?

vballretired

Dennis Millers rendition of Casey at the Bat

l4blitzer

Vikings up 23-6

vballretired

Mother trucker

Anyone picture Lovie as Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction to Cal McNair as Marciles Wallace on the street?

l4blitzer

Mills offering some hope

IND POSSESSION

vballretired

“You feel that? That’s pride [KITTEN]ing with ya.”

Clutch face mask

Just run the ball you idiots

l4blitzer

Penalties are rewards; yardage surrendered is for the greater good

vballretired

Look at that

Patrick

C’mon all penalty defense!

vballretired

You guys are stepping up your game. I’m impressed

Oh glorious!!!!!!!

Patrick

THERE’S HOPE! THERE’S HOPE!

vballretired

Ladies and gentlemen, nothing is as clutch as the Texans run defense.

Jonathan Owens with next level bad tackling

ZACH MOSS WITH THE CLUTCH 15 YARD TD RUN; TEXAS WITH A 29% CHANCE TO CLINCH THE #1 PICK; 6:40, 3RD

vballretired

Okay Mills. We are counting on you.

Kenneth L

C’mon boys

Lose

Lose

Lose

Patrick

l4blitzer

So, assuming the Texans come through in the clutch and wrap up the #1 pick; what number to do you think Will Levis will wear?

vballretired

155 yards rushing for the Colts. Come on, finish us off.

vballretired

69

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick

vballretired

Come on Freeman. Let’s have another fumble

Come on Colts

l4blitzer

Bears cut the deficit to 23-13

Patrick

No, Teagan, this is not something to be happy about!

l4blitzer

Universe: Texans are only up 3 and the Bears cut the lead to 10...time for a 52 yard play

vballretired

The pick six needs more flair

Kenneth L

This is horrible

vballretired

Oh come on Colts

Kenneth L

I really want Teagan to do well, just not today

Patrick

You numbnuts couldn’t do that the entire [KITTEN]ing season and you choose NOW TO START MAKING CLUTCH CATCHES WHEN IT ABSOLUTELY BEHOOVES US NOT TO [KITTEN]ING MAKE THOSE CATCHES??!?!?!?!?!?!

Kenneth L

Yay Pittsburgh

I hate this team

vballretired

Hey we sucked in the fourth quarter of game one so…..

MILLS HEARS THE CHEERS OF THE TEXANS FANS...AND CHANGES THEM TO BOOS WITH THE 19 YARD TD TO JORDAN AKINS; HOU 24- IND 14; 3:51; 3RD

vballretired

May I suggest Bartesian?

l4blitzer

Welp, picked the wrong year to do a Dry January...

vballretired

More awe inspiring play from the Colts

IND POSSESION

l4blitzer

Vikings with their backup in...maybe a chance...maybe?

vballretired

That was pathetic. They were just toying with us

Patrick

Hey look, a former Colt who is already on staff as an assistant coach, let’s totally NOT make him the head coach and see what this dude who was literally retired has in him.

A coaching decision so dumb I would’ve expected the Texans to do it.

vballretired

The Colts are just better at this. You think you’re a dumpster fire? Hold my beer.

l4blitzer

The Athletic had a pretty interesting article on why Irsay for the Colts made the move he did. Felt burned by the struggles of last season and how the team hasn’t been able to replace Andrew Luck, thus taking the hands-on role that brought us Saturday

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick

[KITTEN], it hit the ground.

l4blitzer

Again, Mills is so bad that he can’t even throw catchable interceptions

vballretired

What sucks is that we aren’t winning due to competence.

Pick six!!!!!!! Glorious!!!!!

Patrick

I’M SO HAPPY!!!!

I was screaming “don’t you [KITTEN]ing dare tackle him Davis Mills, don’t you [KITTEN]ing dare.”

vballretired

Clutch non tackle from Mills too. That’s the extra effort.

Kenneth L

Hahahahahahahahahahahah

MURAHAHAHAHAH

we are being set up so hard

vballretired

This has been an entertaining game of ineptitude. My hats off to you guys. Good show.

DAVIS MILLS SERVES UP THE 26 YARD PICK SIX TO MCCLOUD; IND 21 - HOU 24; HOU WITH A 29% TO CLINCH THE #1 PICK; 0:52; 3RD

l4bliter

Vikings up 26-13

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

How either coach keeps a straight face in the postgame presser is beyond me

That was a spectacular throw

l4blitzer

Our percentage to get the #1 pick is over 30% now

vballretired

Another pick!!!!!Glorious!

Patrick

DAVIS MILLS YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD YOU! I COULD [KITTEN]ING KISS YOU RIGHT NOW.

vballretired

This Mills kid can play

Kenneth L

Tv just showed a picture of Cal McNair sitting in an entire suite with just his wife and son. The rest of the suite was empty. That’s a metaphor for something.

vballretired

If he were sleeping….

MILLS THROWS ANOTHER INT; IND BALL; END OF THE 3RD; HOU 24- IND 21

Patrick

Was he actually watching the game? Because I’ll be surprised if he was watching the game.

vballretired

Fourth quarter. It’s our time!

His eyes were open and facing the field of play. So…

l4blitzer

To be ahead is to be behind; to fail is to succeed

vballretired

To be early is to be late.

Okay, new rushing yards allowed record

l4blitzer

Percentage to clinch the #1 pick is up to 39%

vballretired

Go Steelers

Patrick

Go Steelers, but go Dolphins too I guess.

vballretired

All levels of stupid right there

Good show Hughes

Patrick

See, Jerry Hughes gets it. He’s probably the only guy who shouldn’t but he gets it.

vballretired

Nice throw Ehlinger

l4blitzer

Ah, an Eric M***y sighting. Texans busting out their secret weapons

vballretired

I’m loving this

Run the ball you morons

Patrick

The ultimate secret tanking weapon: Eric Murray.

vballretired

Like Kyles cousin in South Park

l4blitzer

We are now at a 50% chance to clinch the #1 pick

vballretired

Touchdown!!!!!!!!!!!!

Patrick

THANK YOU DURGA!

vballretired

28-24 Saturdays

Patrick

Praise Durga and pass the ammunition.

vballretired

Still a lot of time on that clock. Don’t let up now

Kenneth L

This is amazing

EHLINGER WITH THE 4 YARD TD PASS TO ALIE-COX; IND 28 - HOU 24; HOU WITH A 63.5% CHANCE TO CLINCH THE #1 PICK; 10:30; 4TH

vballretired

Kneel down. Don’t take a chance.

Patrick

l4blitzer

Let’s see the clutch quick kick on 1st Down

vballretired

Stagger Lee

Which QB can suck more down the stretch?

l4blitzer

With Mills throwing back to back INTs, I think the Texans have the decided edge here.

vballretired

It’s neck and neck (pun intended)

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Alright. Let’s go

l4blitzer

Well, it is the last quarter of the season...can’t hold nothin’ back

vballretired

Coutee trying

Patrick

Just run the ball Colts and be done with it.

Kenneth L

I’m crying hahahaha

IND POSSESSION

Kenneth L

Pats just ran one of the worst 2 point conversions low key

l4blitzer

When you put your offensive game plan in the hands of Matt Patricia, is it any surprise that such plays wouldn’t work?

Kenneth L

I’m disappointed by him

Patrick

We have an offense in the hands of a guy named Pep, I’m not sure how much we can criticize.

Kenneth L

I thought he’d be better

vballretired

Well he couldn’t run a defense in Detroit so maybe….

Pitre likely done.

Okay, roll them chains

Patrick

Best thing for him, no sense in him trying to kill himself on defense if we shouldn’t even be trying to play defense.

C’mon baby horses, [KITTEN] our [KITTEN] up already.

You know you want to.

vballretired

Let’s do this thang

l4blitzer

If it means that Irsay will keep Saturday on staff for next season, do it.

vballretired

Another first down. Sleeper hold….

Another first down. Keep it on the ground

Patrick

At what point, when you’re being suffocated by a Burmese python, do you stop struggling and just accept that the python just really wants a hug?

l4blitzer

Up to 83% chance to get that #1 pick

vballretired

One more first down

Patrick

C’mon pass interference, you know you wanna, refs.

vballretired

Come on Ehlinger

Patrick

They’re doing the wave in Indy. [KITTEN] them.

l4blitzer

Saturday...you were a lineman in the day. Lineman like running the ball. Keep running the ball

vballretired

Field goal?

Yes!!!!!!!!!!

Patrick

I’ll take it.

vballretired

31-24 Saturdays

Patrick

Well I don’t think we’re going to get any help from the Bears here so the first overall pick is ours to [KITTEN] up.

vballretired

I think this fourth quarter has been a fitting end to this season

MCLAUGHLIN WITH THE 54 YARD FG: IND 31 - HOU 24; HOU WITH OVER 87% CHANCE TO GET THE #1 PICK; 3:33; 4TH

Kenneth L

LETS RIDE WITH THE MOB

gorgeous kick

One more pick six baby

vballretired

Glorious

l4blitzer

29-13 Vikings

Kenneth L

This loss in my veins

vballretired

Patrick

I hope Deshaun Watson [we interrupt this screed because it will not be posted in HOTD. Instead we hope you find a picture of a fox sniffing a daffodil in its place. Thank you, MGMT]

ED Note:

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Stop this

Patrick

Don’t. You. Dare.

vballretired

Intended for Jim Sideline

[KITTEN]

TWO MINUTE WARNING; TEXANS STILL HOLDING AN 82.7% CHANCE TO CLINCH THE #1 OVERALL PICK

vballretired

Nice job Cann

Okay. This is looking better

Patrick

Much better.

vballretired

Nice to Burkhead

I love that he’s on the field. Pep is bringing his A game.

Patrick

See one moment I think they don’t fully understand the whole tanking thing but then they do something like that and now I’m confused again.

l4blitzer

94% chance to clinch the #1 pick

vballretired

[KITTEN]

Patrick

[KIITTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEENN!]

vballretired

Why is he on the field?

Kenneth L

l4blitzer

Play under review...please stand by...please stand by....please stand by...please stand by...please stand by

Patrick

What is there to review?

vballretired

Kenneth L

Ighhh

Why even catch that bro

vballretired

[KITTEN]

Patrick

Oh [DURGA] I can’t even.

l4blitzer

Now, if the Texans get into the end zone, which is likely because the universe is cruel and harsh, do we want the Texans to go for 2, or play for the well-deserved tie?

vballretired

Ok that’s more like it

Patrick

Tie. It’s a lovely bookend on the season.

vballretired

Down goes Mills. Down goes Mills.

l4blitzer

There’s the 4th quarter Mills we all know and love.

Patrick

I swear if they convert on 4th and 20 I’m going to strangle Davis Mills like a Burmese python.

vballretired

What in the hell was that?

Kenneth L

Hahahahah

Patrick

No [KITTEN]ing way.

vballretired

Texans going for two

Ah the stupid it burns

DAVIS MILLS TO JORDAN AKINS FOR THE 28 YARD TD; HOU 30 - IND 31; 0:50; 4TH...PENDING THE POINT AFTER

Kenneth L

Unbelievable

vballretired

That was absolutely the dumbest play I’ve ever seen

Of course. Of course

l4blitzer

Final in Chicago: MIN 29 - CHI 13

vballretired

Okay they can still do this

MILLS WITH THE 2 POINT CONVERSION PASS TO JORDAN AKINS: HOU 32 - IND 31; CHICAGO CURRENTLY WITH THE #1 PICK

Kenneth L

I can’t believe this

Patrick

Un-[KITTEN]ing-real.

Kenneth L

We just gave away the first pick

vballretired

Talk about rip your heart out from your chest

Kenneth L

I’m dumbfounded

l4blitzer

The one time the Texans with a possible last minute win...and a majority of the fanbase is irate about that.

vballretired

How do you not knock that TD pass down?

IND POSSESSION

vballretired

Pittsburgh wins

l4blitzer

11-6 isn’t a scorigami, is it?

vballretired

Enjoy C.J. Stroud

Patrick

Just let me die.

l4blitzer

Nope, 11-6 has happened before today. Still, strange score for NYJ-MIA

Of course it would be like this...of course it would.

vballretired

Shades of 2013

Patrick

Of course they [KITTEN]ed it up. [DURGA][KITTEN] [KITTEN]ups to their very [KITTEN]ing core.

vballretired

Motherficker

It’s like bizarro backwards world

FINAL: HOU 32 - IND 31; HOU WITH THE #2 PICK IN THE DRAFT. JUST LIKE WE ALL FIGURED IT WOULD END

vballretired

Man I’m just numb

Patrick

vballretired

l4blitzer

For some reason, the concept of Pyrrhic Victory is rolling around in my head. I really don’t know why...

vballretired

Didn’t we give up a stupid Hail Mary in Jacksonville in like 2010? I think I felt the same then

Joe Critz

This game is hilarious

At least Davis mills gets exciting final game as a starter, at least for awhile

vballretired

Ignoring the negative consequences, that was a hilariously poorly played game by all units on both sides.

l4blitzer

It couldn’t have ended any other way.

GAME BALLS: There is the temptation that since the Texans won the one game they probably shouldn’t have, no one is worthy of a Game Ball. However, that is a disservice to some of the players who actually balled out today. Some may remain on the team, and it may be the last hurrah for others. Still, players play, and “tanking” is not in their nature. So, to honor a couple of guys:

• QB Davis Mills: Perhaps the biggest single contributor to much of the negative for this squad, Mills showcased the good, bad and ugly of his career in this game. Making good passes, especially to Brandin Cooks early on in the game, but then somehow going back-to-back drives with INTs, turning a 10-point 3rd quarter lead into a 4-point 4th quarter deficit. However, after spotting the Colts a 7-point lead, he moved the Texans down the field, converting on a 4th and 20 with under a minute to Jordan Akins for not only the TD to pull the team within one, but also finding him for the two-point conversion to win the game. This does not change the fact that Mills ain’t the answer as the Texans’ long-term QB option. However, it is a good way for him to end the season, and set him up as a coveted back-up, for Houston, or somewhere else.
• TE Jordan Akins: He had the two biggest receptions for the Texans this day, with his TD catch and 2-point conversion. This was part of his 4 reception/70 yards/2 TD game. This is a good springboard for perhaps being a future weapon for the Texans, whomever will throw him the balls. Plus, always a good way to end the year with a game-winning “Octopus”
• Head Coach Lovie Smith: Perhaps he could have just mailed it in, collected his severance, and gotten on with life. We don’t know exactly how that meeting with Cal McNair went earlier this week, and after the lifeless effort against Jacksonville at home last week, you could’ve been forgiven for thinking that the Texans would just go through the motions, play a lazy game, and find away to do what they usually do at Indy: Lose. Instead, the Texans came out hot, and then, when faced with a moment of truth, Lovie didn’t play conservative, he went for the kill shot. There is much to criticize about Lovie and the overall coaching job this season, but for this game, the Texans did not quit, and came out to stick to everyone. [NOTE: This game ball was awarded prior to the news that the Texans fired Smith late Sunday night. Thus, this HOTD is a lovely parting gift for his year of service as the head man]

SHOULD BE FORCED TO CLEAN UP JIM IRSAY’S BAR AFTER HE GOES OFF ON LOSING TO THE TEXANS AT HOME IN THE WAY THEY DID:

• Texans GM Nick Caserio: Under different circumstances, I might not put him here, but there is more than a little rumbling that Caserio might follow Lovie out the door. Yes, he inherited the Easterby/O’Brien mess, and yes, an instant turnaround was not a given here. However, as the “Chosen One”, what have his teams produced: 2 Head Coaches over two seasons, and overseeing the worst 2-year stretch in Texans football history (7-27-1). Questionable roster and cap moves also hurt here, and while some of the draft picks from 2022 may pay dividends shortly (Pitre, Stingley, Harris, Pierce), Caserio should probably be further along than he is. Unfortunately, he didn’t get that #1 pick, and he may not be around to execute that #2 selection opportunity. Caserio isn’t solely responsible, but he doesn’t escape blame.
• Colts Coach Jeff Saturday: This man got the chance of a lifetime: an instant promotion to lead a NFL franchise, with a 7 game trial run with a receptive owner. What did Saturday deliver: a 1-6 record, which included giving up 33 points in a 4th quarter against Dallas and blowing the largest lead (33 points) in NFL history. It was clear that the team quit on him long before this game. Maybe there was some semblance of pride, and it didn’t hurt that the Texans are not good, but blowing the late 7-point lead the way they did, letting Davis Mills beat the Colts in the air, is inexcusable. Clearly, Saturday should be fired forthwith and never, ever allowed to wear even a costume NFL headset again. However, there is part of me that hopes that Irsay makes Saturday the full-time coach, if only because it would make the Colts more of a laughingstock than the Texans.
• The Owners: Cal McNair and Jim Irsay. They own the collective compost heap of what was on the field this day. These franchises were not too long ago operating as playoff contenders with Super Bowl aspirations. Now...despite the final score and the associated drama, this was the worst that the NFL has to offer. The prospects for improvement might be there, but with either of these two are calling the shots, I wouldn’t hold my breath looking for any significant improvement.

With that, we say farewell to the 2022 Season (at least for the Texans). A chaotic and intriguing off-season awaits the Texans. There are concerns, but there are...possibilities. Perhaps the moves will be made so that 2023 is not the exercise in painful, clinical analysis that was watching the Houston Texans in 2022. Still, a major shoutout to the fans and readers who came along for the ride this season. We know it wasn’t easy, but we appreciate your input and support. We certainly hope to bring you better news about a better team in 2023. Until then, keep safe, keep healthy, and gear up for the off-season and the future ahead.