HOUSTON - It is heady times for the NFL franchise in Houston. In eight games, they have already matched the winningest seasons this decade for the Houston franchise (4). This is their best start to a season since 2019 (5-3). By virtue of its 39-37 win last Sunday against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Texans won three consecutive home games for the first time since 2019, when they actually had a 4-game winning streak. For a team that came into the season with only 11 combined wins this decade, this start can be a bit...overwhelming. Such was the case when we talked to yet another unnamed staffer:
“Wait, what…is happening?!?!?! I...I can’t take it! My head...stop, please!!!
“Oh [KITTEN], that is the fifth one this week!!!” Bemoaned an unnamed long-time janitor. “Another one of those staffers gets all crazy, and I got ‘nother ‘xploded head to clean up! Do you know how smelly and time-consuming it is to clean up brain matter? They ain’t paying me enough to clean this [KITTEN] up!!!!”
Janitorial staff notwithstanding, the team seems overall quite happy with the early results. Plenty of people have explanations for why the Texans improved.
“I mean, you can look at CJ Stroud, who has overcome the severe handicap of being a student at Ohio State University. They way he balled out, you have to give him credit.” Noted one unnamed analytic staffer.
“Don’t sell short Coach Ryans.” noted another unnamed staffer. “Especially after that one film session with the offense when he Stone Cold Stunned four offensive linemen after their poor performance at Carolina, you have to admit that fear is quite the motivator.”
Yet, the biggest brains, the best computers, the most legal of illegal hackers employed on retainer by Totally Not Fake News all point to another source: Special Teams Coach Frank Ross.
“Oh, man, if you only knew what Coach Ross is capable of.” Noted another nervous staffer. “That guy...you think that Coach Ryans goes too far in physical intimidation...you don’t know anything until you look into Ross.”
Another staffer indicated: “Look, we all know he is, like, a great special teams coach. Figured it was just that he worked for some good mentors, when he was at Indy and when he served under the Dark Lord, but the more you look into it, the more, it...well, it is just...no, no, I just can’t...just can’t.”
What could have terrorized all of those unnamed staffers? What turned them whiter than white? Well, our investigative team went deep into the Texans’ offices, using techniques deemed legal by the University of Michigan.
Apparently, when Frank Ross worked with Bill Belichick, Nick Caserio and the rest of the New England Patriots, he came across a previously unnamed source of knowledge and insight. In the files of a New England office, Ross came across this old sort of book, one that had a strange name: Necronomicon.
Initially, few would speak to us about the book, but eventually, we got some further information from an unemployed douchebag.
“Yeah, I’ll tell you all about the Necronomicon. I heard about that damned thing when I worked for the most High Lord Belichick on the most holy of teams, the New England Patriots” noted the unemployed douchebag. “Apparently, the coach found it somewhere in New York and used it to great success, especially before Super Bowl XXV. Rumor was that he used it also in Cleveland before the 1994 playoffs.”
Our reporter asked. “Did it work?””
“Well, of course it worked, you dumb[KITTEN]!!! The Giants won the Super Bowl and Belichick cemented himself as this super genius type. He won that playoff match-up against New England in 1994 as well.” Scoffed the unemployed douchebag.
When our reporter countered with the expected follow up of any problems, the unemployed douchebag countered:
“Because it is cursed!!! It exacts a brutal toll from all who read it. Not your eternal soul, but it will be far, far worse. Take Belichick. Yeah, he won and all, but then what happened? Had a Super Bowl contender, only to see it fall apart when Cleveland moved. He got fired, then the whole Jets drama…yuck”
“He did bring it with him to New England, but he wouldn’t use it...or so he said. Then 2001 happened. Saw his career flash before his eyes when Bledsoe got hurt. Read it to figure out a way to make some minor Michigan punk become competent...Well, I guess it worked, but here is the catch: Know anyone who actually LIKES Belichick? Spy-Gate, Deflategate, The Hatred of the Shula estate, how the team has fallen apart since Brady left?”
When our reporter followed up with the question about whether the unemployed douchebag used the book:
“Well...ok, yeah, I used it twice. Once before I got the Denver Head Coaching Job and after I got fired but then returned to help Tom Brady during that second run...to help get me the Las Vegas job...well, you know...”
An unnamed staffer offered this take:
“Yes...well, none save Nick Caserio and Frank Ross have seen this...book, but you hear rumors. Now, Nick brought the book with him, but mainly as a counter to the rising power of Easterby. Didn’t need it, as Easterby [KITTEN]ed himself.”
“As for Frank Ross....well, until this season, he didn’t feel any pressure to look at the book. You saw the Texans in his 1st two seasons. But now, with Ryans here, and how he handles failure, and Frank Ross’ high standards...well, he was a bit worried, so in the pre-game prep, right before Jacksonville, he consulted the Necronomicon...”
When our reporter asked the obvious question about whether it worked, the staffer retorted:
“If a fullback can flub a kickoff catch only to pick it up, break 6 tackles and run it back for a kickoff return TD, can you honestly say that magical forces were not in play?”
When our reporter noted the Houston won going away 37-17, the staffer had this immediate reply:
“Uh, you see what happened the last two road games? Atlanta and Carolina? At that point, Ross decided that he would not do that again…but then the game against the Bucs happened. Ka’imi Fairbairn goes out with a busted quad and the team has no kicker. So, Frank Ross makes a quick run down to the bowels of NRG, finds that book, and consults a chapter or two quickly.”
When our reporter asked why the staffer would think that, here is the reply:
“Look, Frank Ross is a [KITTEN] good special teams coach, but was he so good to think that the 4th string running back would be a viable kicking option without outside influence? Using Dare Ogunbowale, who had half of his kickoffs as touchbacks. He kicks the go-ahead FG in a 30-30 game in the 4th quarter? Those type of decisions happen...successfully, and you don’t think some higher, darker power is not at work?”
Our reporter countered with CJ Stroud’s passing line and the overall team effort, but to this, the unnamed staffer merely stated: “Consult this week’s injury report”
Perhaps all of those injuries are a coincidence, as were the consecutive last-second losses on the road for Houston. But then again, could you rule out something like a Necronomicon? We at Totally Not Fake News do not dictate how you should think about the news (we leave that to those “other” organizations). However, we at Totally Not Fake News feel that all options should be on the table when trying to make sense of the Texans in 2023. Also, should you come across this book, we will advise against any using it, unless we don’t like you, to which point we say have a good read.