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Totally Not Fake News: Week 12 aftermath for the Houston Texans, from the therapist couch.

It is a constant quest to improve all aspects of the Texans, and that includes mental health

NFL: OCT 01 Steelers at Texans Photo by Leslie Plaza Johnson/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

HOUSTON - After arguably the biggest game in NRG Stadium this decade, the narrow 24-21 defeat at the hands of the Jacksonville Jaguars left many players, coaches and Texans’ personnel in various states of heightened emotions. While there are many official and unofficial methods for dealing with high stress after such contests, the Texans are turning to a specialized therapist, one who specializes in player outreach and gauging the emotions of those humans who are a part of the Texans’ universe.

“Oh, you thought that I was but a mere mascot, a silly bull who is good for a few rappelling moves...by the way, Ludacris still owes me for the lessons, and the sessions overcome fear of heights/stage fright. However, I also have several certifications in human psychology and therapy. Ya know, we cows/bulls do a lot of thinking and observing when we feed on our hay. Never forget that.” Opined Texans head therapist Toro.

“Overall, I think the spirits of the team are surprisingly good. Big shift from the past few seasons, where everyone on staff just had the look of a George Romero casting call. Kinda dull and depressing, actually. No dramatic despair, no anger at losses, just...being. That is actually going to be the basis of my PhD thesis.”

Given that we felt that further discussion on that topic would possibly put all of us in a coma, we asked what he could tell us about any specific members of the squad. While there was some reluctance given the whole HIPAA thing, Toro decided to throw caution to the wind and offer some accounts, with the names omitted (as far as he knows):

“Well, you start with the head honcho. Been a contained monster all season. He’s been mostly calm. However, after that loss...Immediately made a beeline for my office, hence why I haven’t gotten rid of the red hide dye. Very animated. Talked about wanting to power slam Laremy Tunsil and squeeze all bodily fluids out of Juice Scruggs. Took a lot of willpower, soothing talk, breathing exercises. Had to hold firm with him. We got through it, and I think he calmed down enough to go back to work. Did German Supplex my receptionist through the waiting room window, but you can’t win them all.”

Jacksonville Jaguars v Houston Texans
TFW you realize that your head coach is not going to kill you just for a bad play or two...
Photo by Logan Riely/Getty Images

“The coordinators...well, it was a mixed bag. The defensive guy kept going on about the medicinal benefits of rooibos tea and bites from ginormous army ants to settle his nerves down, with a chaser of diluted African python extract. Hey, what works for you. I personally couldn’t stomach that...and to let those ants bite you? I get the willies just thinking about Texas fire ants. Can’t imagine those big bast...well, anyway. I guess he also uses them to heal cuts? Interesting character”

Organic Compost from Black Soldier Flies in Kenya
Apparently the defensive guy will use these to garnish his salads???
Photo by Boniface Muthoni/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images

“The special teams guy...he was strangely quiet. Only asked about the legal ramifications of executing the entire punt coverage team and the back-up kicker. I had to remind him that Dare had not improved his range much beyond 35 and he was going to need someone who could kick a little further. He seemed to accept the answer. Also seemed a little impressed that he was outfoxed on special teams for the first time in a while. Oh, he still executed, er, cut the kicker, but hey, we made progress.”

“The offensive coordinator though...that guy was a pure basket case. Hadn’t heard that much blubbering since the birth of my last two calves. Was so, so frightened after the recent game. Of course he worried about Coach Ryans. Something about Ryans threatening to use a camel clutch on him??? Anyway, had already talked Ryans off the ledge on that one. Even after he begged to just crush said coordinator’s brain and 8th vertebrate, I had to remind him that no, we don’t channel our anger by bashing the living [KITTEN] out of our subordinates.”

“Still, I guess the guy was extremely nervous about his job prospects. Saw a bunch of his peers just got fired, at the collegiate and professional levels. Even that team in Pittsburgh. Fired a guy mid-season for the first time since World War II. Well, I guess I can understand the fickle nature of the job. After talking with my colleague in Carolina, I can understand the dynamic nature of the job and the stress. Long story short, I gave him some warm milk, a stuffed Toro, a Battle Red Binky, and after all of that...I think he will be ok, even if the Head Coach keeps menacingly cracking his knuckles whenever he sees that particular coordinator.”

NFL: Arizona Cardinals at Houston Texans
“I’m not going to kill you...maybe grievously injure you after some of those playcalls, but not kill you...at least not right now.”
Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

“Anyway, the week was mostly ok. Some players were cool about the game. Others were in rage mode about the “blind zebras.” Didn’t think we had them at the Houston Zoo...well, I did think that way, at least until a couple of them came into my office. I guess they were all upset ‘cause after the game, everyone was calling them names, giving them atomic wedgies, and stealing all of their Venmo money and luggage. I was patient, but then they got all mad about how Tavierre Thomas called them ‘stupid heads’, and, well, after remembering how they celebrated those three 3rd down conversions...I don’t encourage this, and please don’t report me, but you’ll understand why my horns are a bit...messy.”

Our reporters saw the horns decorated with gore. They carefully backed out of the therapist’s office, receiving word that Houston was filing some complaints about said “ref-ball”. The NFL noticed, and given how multiple, disinterested parties all rallied in support of the Houston complaints, the league acted accordingly to punish the guilty parties in the following announcement:

NFL: Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans
“Hey, it is ok to not flag us for every single 3rd down defensive play. You know that, right?”
Thomas Shea-USA TODAY Sports
  • The Referee and Head Linesman were told to their faces by Roger Goodell that they were bad officials and were sent to bed without dessert. The back judge was allowed to eat dessert, but banned from using sprinkles;
  • LB Denzel Perryman was fined an additional $50,000 and suspended a further three games due to referee malfeasance, even though he wasn’t active for the game;
  • S Kareem Jackson was suspended another two games and fined another $100K just because his team would be at NRG the following week and the NFL decided not to take any chances.

Likely that the Texans’ therapist and primary rappel artist will be busy next week after the huge matchup with the Denver Broncos for playoff position. We at Totally Not Fake News will keep you informed as to what comes next.