clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Totally Not Fake News: Airing of grievances...Houston Texans and otherwise

‘Tis the season...to give gifts...and settle accounts.

NFL: DEC 03 Broncos at Texans Photo by Leslie Plaza Johnson/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

HOUSTON - The holiday season of late December is accepted as a time of giving and sharing the best of humanity. Yet, there can be another kind of giving that occurs during this time of year. It is giving your fellow man/woman/non-binary humanoid the business. In short, it is the airing of grievances.

In modern culture, December 23rd is Festivus. On this day that an alternate form of celebration occurs. It can range from the use of a Festivus tree, dinner, the airing of grievances, feats of strength and generally a lot of non-Christmas-specific type things. While the origins trace back to the 1960s, most associated the rise of Festivus with a Seinfeld episode from 1997.

Even if it originated in New York, Houston is no stranger to aspects of Festivus. For those associated with the Houston Texans, our Totally Not Fake News staff finds that there are actually quite a lot of grievances.

CEO Cal McNair was working on a long list of grievances directed at officials from New York and New Jersey. “[DURGA] [KITTEN], those mother[KITTEN] scum-suckers at MetLife. They wrecked my team! My beautiful, hopefully soon to be way more profitable, beautiful team with that abomination of a game on THAT field! All of those injuries. Someone is going to pay!”

Unfortunately for Cal McNair, his list of grievances and legal actions were a lot of sound, but not well-channeled fury. His fillings in New Jersey went nowhere, as officials in New Jersey told him that he needed to file those claims with New York. New York officials told him that his complaint was with the field, so that should be filed in New Jersey. Frustrated lawyers lamented “Who the [KITTEN] do we blame for all of this bull[KITTEN]? How is everything Jets-related causing pain, especially those they host in their own stadium?”

“Hey, yo! Dumb[KITTEN]! Dey been doing this [KITTEN] to us for forty [KITTEN]in’ years! You think you gonna settle that with a [KITTEN]in’ lawsuit? Get da [KITTEN] outta here!” Noted a mass chorus of Jets fans,

Of course, the Jets no sooner told off the Texans lawyers before offering up their own holiday grievance, ironically against the Texans. Since the Texans had somehow made Zack Wilson and the Jets look really, really good in that December game, it gave them false hope before getting blasted by Miami 30-0 the following week, eliminating the Jets from the playoffs.

The grievances did not stop with the New Jersey debacle. A lot of grievances came up the next week against Tennessee, who decided to use their home game against the Texans to showcase the legacy and history of the Houston Oilers. This included wearing the Columbia Blue Oiler uniforms. As far as any of our crack researchers can tell, they have absolutely [KITTEN]-all to do with Nashville or Tennessee.

“We just wanted to show those Houstonian...people...what they’ve been missing, when they treated my father unfairly. Not giving in to his reasonable demands over the course of the late 1980s and 1990s to set aside a metric ton of tax money to pay for a massive edifice to his ego and leadership. After all he did for Houston. I notice that your current Houston team can’t even get to an AFC Championship.”

This was but one of many missives from Amy Adams Strunk, many of which ended up on Hannah McNair’s phone.

Indianapolis Colts v Tennessee Titans
Amy Adams Strunk (right)...when there was reason for optimism
Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

“Oh, Hannah...man, was she [KITTEN]ed” noted head coach DeMeco Ryans. “She had been hearing from Amy all.week.long. Look, I ain’t happy the Titans/Oilers decided to troll us with the classic Columbia Blues. But my rage can’t hold a candle to Hannah’s. Not even close.”

Thus, the game plan for the week was deemed Operation Festivus. “Gotta chalk that up to Matt Burke on that one.” noted Defensive lineman Jonathan Greenard. “Had us review each and every single play we attempted against Derrick Henry the past five games. Honestly, I thought we did pretty [KITTEN] good when we held him to a mere 125 yards last year in the final game. But Burke...ah [KITTEN] nah! He rode us on everything. Suddenly, we realized all the grievances we had against [Henry], rushing for over 203 yards a game over his last five against us. I think the results bore out in that game.”

While Festivus is the 23rd, the Texans played the Titans/Oilers as though that game was the airing of the grievances and the feats of strength combined. Using once and future starter Case Keenum, a brutal defense [KITTEN]-bent on making the “Throwback Day” brutal for the Nashville team, and a whole lotta schadenfreude from a Houston fanbase, the Texans emerged with the 19-16 win.

Post-game, Hannah McNair didn’t seem to want to get into a social media fight with Amy Adams Strunk. Something about taking the high road. Although she might have had some other thoughts on the matchup:

While there weren’t a lot of post-game words from the current Titans/Oilers owner, the original owner did manage to convey his thoughts:

“[DURGA] [KITTEN]it!!! I use my otherworldly influence to get Amy to go with the throwback day against Houston to stick it to them...and then what happens? The Oilers go all Oilers from the late 1980s-early 1990s, blowing a double-digit home lead to a team that ends their season. And that I actually looked up to see that happen.”

Tennessee Titans 2008 Headshots
Original Owner
Photo by Getty Images

What’s your issue? Man, Jeff Davis doesn’t complain near as much as you. After all I gave you in that deal...” noted a presence that emanated from Pandemonium.

“Whatever, dude. The city of Houston runs a better establishment than you.”

I’m not the one who forgot to say in the contract about actually winning the game, not just getting there. Man, you always ran organizations that couldn’t do any better than runner-up. Good grief, you chose to name your team after the biggest losers in mythology, for Hades’ sake.

“Thus speaketh the entity that finished runner-up in that whole pre-Genesis thing...”

That’s it! Beelzebub, bring over the probe...and if you keep that lip up, I’ll force you to spend eternity munching the [KITTEN] of Dan Snyder when he...”

At this point, we immediately ran to the nearest church for absolution of the highest order. Still, for the Texans, this is part of a tough stretch. Next up, the Texans must face the Cleveland Browns, led by their stellar backup, the classically elite Joe Flacco. All of that likely sans C.J. Stroud.

“Kicked his [KITTEN] in 2014, we can do it again.” noted Case Keenum.

“Right attitude to have there, kid. Just as bright-eyed and eager as you were back then when you were such a young pup.” opined Jon Weeks.

Yet. there are no shortages of grievances with the Browns/Texans. Flacco has still never forgiven the Texans for their victory in 2014, but that is only a minor undercard to more upper-level feuds.

Chicago Bears v Cleveland Browns
[KITTEN]ing Case Keenum!
Photo by Nick Cammett/Getty Images

“You talk of Flacco. Well, if anyone in that match-up feels aggrieved, it’s GM Nick Caserio. He has been livid seeing this late-career renaissance for Cleveland. Keeps making the Browns’ draft pick that the Texans own for 2024 get worse and worse. Granted, the Cardinals are mad as [KITTEN] about the Texans’ not sucking, making that pick even worse, but whatever.” One unnamed staffer noted.

Kansas State v Texas
[KITTEN]ing Joe Flacco!
Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

“However, Cleveland ain’t happy. They hate Caserio for Watson. That trade is turning into the worst ROI since Musk bought Twitter. Gonna have a $63M cap hit a year for the next 3 seasons after this, and the QB hasn’t played a full season of games for Cleveland. Ok, Houston didn’t force them to sign Watson to $230M fully-guaranteed, but who would go to Cleveland for less than that? Maybe someone from the Oilers, but anyway...yeah, that Christmas Eve game is going to be a Festivus on rage mode.”

Tennessee Titans v Cleveland Browns
[KITTEN]ing Nick Caserio! And Double [KITTEN]ing Deshaun Watson!!!
Photo by Nick Cammett/Diamond Images via Getty Images

Perhaps it will. Perhaps Stroud makes his return, or Keenum builds on his three-game win streak as a Texans starter. Maybe Flacco remains elite, or he reminds everyone why he was in his mom’s basement just a month ago, trying to ward off Zach Wilson from paying a visit. Regardless, the game between the Texans and Browns should offer quite the holiday entertainment. Will it settle all of the grievances? Probably not. But it beats the alternative, right?