Have you ever seen the 1988 movie Mac and Me? If you haven’t seen it, you’ve missed nothing, it’s one of the literal worst movies of all time. The alien looks terrible, the writing is hideous, and it’s just a complete rip-off of ET.
There’s a scene early in the first act where the main non-alien character, who is in a wheelchair, slides down a hill at breakneck speed and then literally falls off a cliff into a river or lake or something. Or I should say a tackling dummy taped to a wheelchair fell off a cliff.
It’s the second-worst scene in a movie that is nothing but bad scenes. Why am I bringing this up? Well, for one thing, I don’t want to talk about this game and I’m stalling for time, but it’s also a good analogy for what happened in today’s game.
And honestly, the score is deceiving because it was never even that close. The only highlight that didn’t happen in garbage time was Dameon Pierce’s 98-yard kickoff return for the touchdown.
It was a rough day for the offense, barely eking out 250 total yards on the day (178 yards passing, 72 yards rushing).
Beyond that, the Texans could point to a mixed bag on the defensive side of the ball, and that’s being generous, giving up 252 yards and two TDs to Amari Cooper while also recording a pair of interceptions.
In garbage time, the Texans were able to claw back to being down by two touchdowns, with a Davis Mills (yes, that Davis Mills) touchdown to Nico Collins and one to Andrew Beck.
The rest of the game was all Browns, with the Texans giving up 419 total yards of offense and 36 points on 68 plays.
Oh, and that’s not even mentioning the combined 19 penalties for 127 yards (Browns 9-55, Texans 10-76) that both teams racked up; I assume because the refs lack object permanence and if they don’t throw a flag every other play they forget they exist.
The bright side to all this (not the game, there’s no bright side there), is that the Colts also lost, which means the Texans aren’t locked out of the playoffs yet, but they do need to get real healthy real fast for games against the BESFs at home and the Colts in Indy.
Buckle in, folks, it’s about to get real weird.