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TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: The Results are In For the Houston Texans Ownership…

And the [Easterby]ing begins.

Houston Texans Introduce DeMeco Ryans as Head Coach Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

HOUSTON – A few weeks ago, our vaunted, non-partisan, completely above-board and never prone to bias polling apparatus put out an analysis of who rates as the Best/Worst or Worst/Best Owner in the NFL. Plenty of quality candidates to consider, with some returning contenders and some new faces to vie for this most “coveted” of crowns.

Well, the results are in, and bottom-line up-front, Cal McNair is the back-to-back champion of this most coveted of polling. We at Totally Not Fake News stopped by his offices to offer him our congratulations on this achievement, one that clearly took a lot of work and sacrifice.

Yet, for some reason, Cal didn’t exactly greet our staff with anything remotely resembling joy, happiness, or even basic human respect.

Unexpectedly, we at Totally Not Fake News had to divert some of our staff bound for Kyiv to return to supplement our Houston sports department, as the situation threatened to get thermonuclear (literally, as the Bay City Nuclear Power Plant was within range of some of Cal’s “fireworks”). Things almost did get completely out of control.

Yet, after both sides agreed to a cease-fire, a calming meditation session between Cal, Hannah, Janice and Toro and after being threatened to have the conflict mediated by a multi-Zoom session of Henry Kissinger, John Kerry and Stephen A. Smith, Cal agreed to a little sit-down with our staff to discuss the results of the Totally Not Fake News polling.

Clearly the best option for mediation of any and all conflicts, no?

Cal McNair, after setting aside what looked like an automatic weapon next to a suspiciously large pile of white “sugar” “I see you liars love pushing your false, elitist narratives, don’t you?”

After more pleasantries were exchanged, or rather, our reporters just breathed, and Cal took five minutes to lambast every member of our personnel, we got down to business:

Totally Not Fake News: “So, Cal, you saw the results of our polling?”

Cal McNair: “It is…possible”

TNFN: “As part of our commitment to truth and disclosure, we wanted to ask your reaction.”

CM: “Well, I think I have made my views on your ‘brand’ of polling quite known, but ok, let’s talk about it, shall we?

TNFN: “Do you think it is accurate that you are the back-to-back champion?”

CM: “Well, your ‘polling’ indicates as such, but I think there are quite a few variables that you are not taking into account. For one, I have only been on the job for 4 years as the “Man”. It takes some time to learn and grow. Can’t always get it right.”

TNFN: “But haven’t you been in the Houston Texans’ operations for a lot longer than that?”

CM: “Well, I was a part of the business, but it is different, going from a board member to leading the board. Mistakes are going to be made.”

TNFN: “About those mistakes…”

CM: “Which I have no doubt you will harp on repeatedly, ad nauseum, and so forth. Look, I didn’t get it right at the beginning. I tried it one way, and it didn’t quite work out.”

TNFN: “Didn’t quite work out?”

CM: “Ok, stop right there. I know you are about to go on about how we went from playoff team to also ran; that I let a decent coach try to also dual-hat as GM and how it didn’t work, and how I put too much faith in a man of faith to run the football operation. But dude, people learn, they evolve, and that is what I am doing, evolving.”

TNFN: “I guess…I mean, there has been a lot of turnover in your staff.”

CM: “Here we go again…the whole ‘I only hired certain type of people ‘cause no one else wanted this job and then I fire them because…well…look, that’s not important right now. What IS important is that we are on the path to getting this right. Surely, even you progenitors of false narratives couldn’t find some fault with our recent hire of Ryans, no?”

TNFN: “First off, we are Totally Not Fake News, so definitely not ‘progenitors of false narratives.’ Second, yes, we find encouragement with your recent hire of Ryans.”

CM: “Good. Now, as to the ‘poll’ your people put out. You really should have waited. I feel that your ‘pollsters’ missed out on some rather ginormous data points.

TNFN: “Go on”

CM: “Did you see the latest survey from the NFLPA about which are the best franchises for players and all of that stuff?”

TNFN: “We’ve heard of it.”

CM: “Well, guess which organization finished 4th out of 32, which if I remember my public math [5 minute interlude as Cal attempted to chart out a complex series of charts/graphs/new math concepts], is like…top eigh…top fourt…well, it is really [Easterby] good! Yep, the organization led by the WORST owner in the league…great job dumb[Easterbys]”

Toro then chimed in: “Guys, if you can’t behave, I have Kissinger and Smith on speed dial…”

Washington Commanders v Houston Texans
A bull who desires peace must prepare for war…
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Setting aside the question why or how Toro would have Kissinger on speed dial, the conversation got back to a somewhat civil manner.

CM: “Well, I think there is some far more telling data points here. First, did you see which organization finished dead-[Easterby] last? Yep…the guy who makes all of them political-type fellows look like likeable local leaders. Can’t hardly get a stadium built up there, alienating fans in a bipartisan fashion, and limiting people to buy his team, restricting a guy who is, like, third richest in the world and one that could increase all of our franchise values…to say nothing of just being an [Easterby]…and I am considered a worst owner than that? Oh, and I didn’t screw over other teams by offering highly overpaid and stooopid [sic] contract like that goober Haslem in Cleveland. If I was dumping that asset, he probably should have thought…ah well, I do thank him for the draft picks.”

NFL: DEC 04 Browns at Texans
Photo by Ken Murray/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

TNFN: “Point taken. Still, it does beg the question, how can your franchise be considered the fourth best for players, and yet, the record is awful and you aren’t exactly held in high regard?”

CM: “Why you…no, no, no…gotta remember my meditations with Hannah and Toro. Can’t let hate take over. [multiple deep breaths] Can’t stoop to the lowest level. Ok, I think I have covered this before, but we are taking steps to improve our team. Nick is gonna get us some new players that can actually play, DeMeco is going to lead these men, and with Burke on our squad, well, with a man who can get the irresistible force and the immovable object to get along…we will continue to no only live up to that #4 ranking, but improve on it.”

With that, Totally Not Fake News concluded its interview with Cal McNair. While we stand by our polling as completely fact-based and never prone to the pratfalls of other sources, we do understand that there can be differences in opinions from time to time. Certainly, when we look to issuing our polling for next season, maybe we account for any potential modifications. Yet, and we will allow a little bit of editorializing here at Totally Not Fake News, it will probably take a significant amount of improvement, especially on the field, for Cal McNair to get out of contention for this annual “honor”.

LATE BREAKING: We at Totally Not Fake News received the following message from the ownership of the Cleveland Browns upon completion of this story, but before this it was slated to print:

“Oh, so I’m the “goober”, uh? Well, you know, I wasn’t on that ‘poll’ like those other [Easterbys]. So some would call me a ‘Goober’, but I think I am playing twelveity-degree [sic] chess. Ya see how my ‘stoopid’ [sic] contract is putting the traitorous Modells, er, Ravens in a bind with their QB? Oh, and who was the ‘Goober’ that engaged in poor accounting practices that cost them a draft pick? Not me!!! Well, you keep writing that bull[Easterby], and I’ll be sitting here...laughing...and paying my quarterback one-quarter of a billion...for a .500 seaso...ya know what, I’m out of here. [Easterby] off!!!”

If there are any further updates, Totally Not Fake News will let you know.