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TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: Happy (NFL) New Year from the Houston Texans!!!

Out with the old, and in with the new (and improved) Texans!


HOUSTON - The last slivers of confetti still populate corners of Houston Texans’ headquarters. This is along with the random champagne cork, broken glass or some other detritus of the revelry that swept up the staff and leadership of the Houston Texans this past week. Initially, some of our newer staff thought that the organization may have celebrated St. Patrick’s Day a little early. Our more experienced hands at Totally Not Fake News quickly educated our “rookies” that this had nothing to do with an Irish-based saint. This was the remnants of the Texans celebrating one of the biggest holidays in their calendar: The dawn of the new NFL season.

“Usually, the mood around these here parts is kinda dour and melancholy.” One older hand elaborated. “True, there were times when the team and the fanbase writ large looked to this time of year with hope and anticipation. The new season, the chance to get new players, maybe improve and possibly get ever closer to winning a Super Bowl.”

“However, the last few years...well, the organization and team just sort of went through the motions. Where once people got together, wearing all the festive party hats, streamers and those rolly-thingys [Ed Note: Sometimes referred to as party blowers/noise-makers] you blow into that make annoying noises, but you are probably too drunk on champagne and hope to care. [Easterby], even Toro would get all decked out in gold fur for in New Year’s.”

Usually, Toro stays away from gold, or going to all fours...but after a few kegs and it being the NFL New Year...well, a bull sometimes has to let himself go...

“Well, after all the bull[Easterby] we went through the past few seasons, you could barely get anyone to even look at you in the hallway, much less get a group of people together in the breakroom just to celebrate with some New Years’ cake. And forget about anyone wishing you “Happy New Year’s” or singing “Auld Lang Syne” or whatever..”

However, our sources within the Texans headquarters reported a far different attitude this past New Year...well, the NFL New Year:

“Man, it was a party the likes of which we haven’t seen in years!!! People cheers, dancing...Nick Caserio doing keg stands...Toro schooling Cal in champagne pong...Absolutely nuts!!! Then Burke brought that elite single-malt he got from his last trip to the Orkneys to scout some rugby talent...whoo, what a shindig!!!”

RONALDSAY Prince of Wales3
[Now King] Charles [III] may have gotten this one, but Burke got the extra special whiskey (scotch for you American-types)
Photo by PA Images via Getty Images

Yes, after some down years, the Texans look to the NFL New Year with an optimism not seen in years, or certainly not since the start of this decade. A collective 11-38-1 record since the start of the 2020 NFL year will do much to dampen spirits. However, the team finds itself armed with 11 draft picks (including two in the 1st 12 picks of the 2023 draft), nearly $40M in cap space and some young talent to build around.

“Oh yes, we are no longer the sad sack Houston #OxenOnParade! Nope, the Texans are gonna ride again!!” Texans CEO Cal McNair exclaimed. “Already starting the New Year off great. We got DeMeco, we got Burke, or rather, Burke blessed us with his presence...and already seeing some good free agency action.”

Likely McNair referred to the Texans signing some ex-San Francisco players, like [DT] Hassan Ridgeway and getting [DB] Jimmie Ward to help create a new No Fly Zone for Houston’s secondary.

“Of course I am referring to them. It is all part of my New Year’s Resolution, to try to reclaim the Texans’ status as the top pro football organization in the city.”

[Guess Cal is reading the advanced copy of our reporting]

Our reporter:

“Wait, aren’t you already...”

Cal McNair:

“Look, I know the score. Besides, in my therapy sessions to overcome the Minecraft addiction, I had to face up to the fact that I had problems, but that I needed to treat them like challenges. Right now, the Texans, of the three pro-football franchises in the city, have the worst winning percentage of the trio. One of my NFL New Year’s Resolutions is to fix that...hopefully over take the #2 spot this season and with some luck, and maybe hoping the XFL does what it usually does and fold, we can reclaim our spot as the top pro team in the city.”

Not that we at Totally Not Fake News would ever slander someone’s resolutions, but it seemed odd that the Texans would rate only third in the city. Yet, reviewing the winning percentages of pro football teams in Houston since 2020...well, he may have a point:

  • Houston Roughnecks [XFL] (2020, 2023-present): 9-1 (.900)
  • Houston Gamblers [USFL] (2022-present): 3-7 (.429)
  • Houston Texans [NFL] (2020-present): 11-38-1 (.286)
Washington Redskins v Houston Texans
We’re #3!!! We’re #3!!! We’re #3!!!
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

We at Totally Not Fake News also learned that Cal’s NFL New Year Resolutions included:

“In short,” a staffer noted, “Don’t do stupid [Easterby]!!!”

It appeared that Cal did manage to avoid that, as he did not sell out draft capital to move up one pick like Carolina did.

“Maybe he will stick to it” the staffer hoped.

At the time of publication, the Texans do not appear to be making a serious move to trade valuable draft capital to move up.

“Oh, thank [Altuve]!!!” the staffer exclaimed. “Hopefully, no more mother[Easterby] moves from this front office for a while.”

As the NFL New Year passes and life enters the new NFL Calendar year, we at Totally Not Fake News will continue to keep you posted on the moves of the Texans, as well seeing how well Cal McNair, et al, continue to hold to their NFL New Years resolutions.

Ed Note: Given the recent trend of NFL New Years resolutions, we at Totally Not Fake News will offer our own resolution. We resolve to retire our previous system for editing out questionable language. Henceforth, this will be the last [Easterby] time you will see a questionable work replaced with [Easterby]. The Texans have moved on from him, and so shall we.